Carly's Ramblings Blog - Style

Reinventing Myself, Birthdays & Stop Making Everyone Happy

30 Day Blogging Challenge

Creation Saturday!
Have you ever had to reinvent yourself personally, professionally, or otherwise? How did you go about it?

Trying to reinvent myself.... I guess you could say I am trying to do that now as I make my way through Preston Smiles's book Love Louder: 33 Ways to Amplify Your Life. Each day I am stepping into and reawakening things I let go of in my life. Things I put aside to become part of a couple.... things I should never have let go of and now I see the error in doing just that.... so in reclaiming who I am, I am essentially remaking myself... and I am hoping that by doing that I can reinvent all areas of my life - including my professional one = as teacher and writer. I feel I am always in process as life is a journey.

Blog City – Day 853

Oh my it's Saturday and it's my grandson's 12th birthday. We're going zip lining together Let's reminisce about our childhood birthdays. What was your favorite birthday year? Did you do theme parties? Or go places?

I only had one big birthday party. I was six and I had enough friends their to fill the whole dining room table. I don't remember much about it... I only remember because of the pictures.

I do remember my friend, Sally's birthdays. Her birthday is in October when the weather in New Liskeard was still decent. Her mother always make a cake with money wrapped in aluminum foil! It was the best.

I also remember a birthday cake... not sure who it was for... but my friend Herbie had gotten up on a chair to admire it. His hands were on the edge of the table balancing over it... when his five year old self face planted in the whole thing. It was hilarious. My babysitter, Mrs. Cameron handled it all so calmly. She had five children of her own and Herbie was her nephew. I think I was seven then.

Love Louder - Amplifying My Life

I have decided as part of my blog to comment on each of Preston Smiles's ways to Love Louder. He has written an intriguing little book or 33 Ways To Amplify Your Life. The full title is Love Louder: 33 Ways To Amplify Your Life.

Day 11 - Stop Trying To Make Everyone Happy

"People pleasing is a dangerous self inflicted disease that kills dreams and sabotages relationships."

I have lived my life as a people pleaser... trying to be the best daughter so as not to upset my mother, trying to keep a harmonious marriage by not saying or doing anything to rock the boat and being overly sorry and apologetic when I did cross the line of \unacceptable' in another person's eyes. But what has it got me? Feelings of smallness, a crushed self esteem and a broken marriage. Certainly not a fully lived life... I feel like a shadow of my former self... the one I pulled together when I became an adult on my own... and my mother went on medication for depression.

So things need to change and believe they will. I even told my mother to 'not tell me what to do' one morning when she was in one of her anxiety plunges.... I felt really bad at the time, but later she told me she was really proud of me... that I could stand up and say that... she wished she could do that too... lately she's dealing with a breakup as well. It has chipped away at her own confidence.

So who are the people pleasers? Well, Preston Smiles says you are more likely suffering with people pleasing if:
1. You go out of your way to make other people happy at your expense.
2. Your choices and actions are based on what others may think, want or expect from you. I would be paralyzed with indecision if I could not figure out the way my husband would want something done. It was his way and no other way would do.
3. You constantly put other's needs ahead of your own.
4. You are always looking for ways to fit in. I am an introvert by nature, but I have learned to be more extroverted to fit in... I want others to like me and it bothers me to know someone doesn't.

"People pleasers often hold back their true feelings because they don't want to offend or rock the boat." This is so true of my relationship with my ex. I pushed my feelings so far under I did not even know how to read them anymore and he would get upset when I could not express myself and tell him what I was thinking and feeling. I didn't know. His silence in waiting for an answer would only make me want to implode and become smaller.

Smiles says "when we take care of ourselves first, we're actually taking care of everyone else at the same time. We can't possibly give to others from our cup if we haven't been filling it first." I know this to be so true... on an intellectual level... but on an emotional level it is a bit harder to put into practice. I find I have less difficulty with others who I am not in an intimate relationship with... with my mother there is an unconditional love that sustains me and provides an invisible security net... it is also better that she is on a medication that regulates her moods. Depression is not living in our house anymore.... although I am excellent at reading her emotions and giving space when it is needed.

Society also holds this one up for mothers... and it is often what they use as a filter for what a good mother should be... but to be a good mother, you need to give time to yourself. A good mother is one who is there for her kids, and has the ability to do so because she has taken time to recharge and fill her own cup. There is nothing wrong in that... in fact, it should be the right thing to do. Daddies need to do their part as well and women need to let them. They are adults and together you are parents raising the best kids... no one person needs to take the job. Those children will be better for it if they have both parents involved.

Okay, sorry. I got a little off topic, I think... the thing we all need to remember is that YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE. There will always be naysayers and haters. We are human... and many people loved to find fault in others... probably because of their own insecurities. So stop caring what others think and focus on what you think, what is right for you... and you will be stronger and happier for it.

Preston says "a part of loving louder is letting go of the need to take care of everyone else and focus on what you want. You cannot turn the volume up on the amount to love you give to others until you are wiling to turn in up first for yourself." I found as I pushed my own emotions down to not offend my ex, I lost focus on my own feelings and how they needed to be expressed in a healthy way. I am not always a happy go lucky person, sometimes I am serious, sometimes I am sad... sometimes I am angry... and I do not need to be told to smile. To feel the love you have to feel all your emotions, not just the good ones... the pleasant ones. And if someone else can handle that then... let them go. They are so not worth the energy to stress over.
I refuse to be constantly drained and anxious about getting my own needs met and ultimately won't have the energy to truly share all of myself with the world.

From all of this resentment and pain is slowly killing the people pleaser. Here is Preston Smiles's prescription for his People Pleaser Recovery Program:
1. When did you first notice it? Your first memories of people pleasing; where did this need come from, what hole were you attempting to fill. For me it was living in a household with a mother who was dealing with depression that went unchecked until I was 16. I tried to be the perfect daughter so that I didn't rock the boat, but what I found was that there was no pleasing her... no matter what I did is was not good enough.

2. Catch it is the moment. Be aware of when you are being a people pleaser. See where you bend to the needs of others, what patterns emerge... Also take stock of your mood after certain interactions... I used to feel small and useless. Angry at myself, but feeling stuck. Emotions range from anger, frustration, sadness after you have had contact with someone, check in and see if you were people pleasing... sometimes we don't even realize we are doing it. Awareness is key.

3. Create healthy boundaries and practice keeping them. "We are what we continually do. Whatever we habitually practice, we become skilled at." Journal it. Write down what is okay with you and what is not. What are your deal breakers. Practice speaking up. Remember small steps lead to big change, so start finding small ways to reclaim your needs and desires.

The bottom line is that people pleasing is not a healthy choice for any of us. It is stressful and draining... I have high blood pressure now probably because of it. "It's your job to do and be what makes your smile, to express yourself from the fullest version of you." We are all going to be judged, just accept that and shake it off. Get on with what's important in our lives.

And to hit that home on a music note:



I love this video. Just be you and don't care what others are going think. Shake it off and live your life.

A few lyrics:
I stay up too late, got nothing in my brain
That's what people say mmm, that's what people say mm
I go on too many dates, but I can't make 'em stay
At least that's what people say mmm, that's what people say mmm

But I keep cruising, can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music in my body and it's gonna be alright

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I'll never miss a beat, I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see mmm, that's what they don't see mmm
I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own), I'll make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know mmm, that's what they don't know mmm

Full lyrics: https://play.google.com/music/preview/Ttxvexczzhjvhmdpgy4gvp6ht3m?lyrics=1&utm_s...

#LOVELOUDERCHALLENGE
Write a letter to someone you've been trying to please for a long time. Pour out all your feelings about them and let them know how you feel about trying to please them. Write down everything... end the letter with how you intend to be from now on. When it feels complete, share the letter by reading it to someone you trust who is completely objective. After you have done this tear the letter up into tiny bits and throw it away. This process is for you... not for the person the letter was written about.