I'm 💙 Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your flash fiction piece "Evening Sirens" as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I really liked this piece. The concept was fun. A young man is sucked into the local folklore of the Isle. He luckily survives his fate. I would have the fisherman pull him out of the water and up into his boat instead of talking to him on shore. That would emphasize the survival part.
'I woke up on a boat shore coughing.
"Easy lad. You just took a dive... you are so lucky you didn't hit the rocks below." A fisherman who had pulled me out out of the lake told me.'
There were a few other spots that pulled me out of the piece, but they were minor editing blips - I have mentioned them below.
I did notice a few spots that were probably simple misses in the edits:
"My eyes seemed to glaze of over." This needs to lose the 'of'
"A fisherman who had pulled me out out of the lake told me." Drop the second 'out'.
"he skeptic in me wanted to dismiss his words as folk lore but it was obvious what happened." The the work folklore is one word not two.
Beyond that I saw no spelling or grammar issues.
I wish you luck in the contest and look forward to reading more of your writing as the year progresses. Keep Writing.
Hi JACE - House Targaryen,
I'm 💙 Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your wee story as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I have wee chuckle at this story. In a 110 words you manage to pack in quite a tale that I am sure happens on a regular basis between couples all over the world. I can even image it happening in Japan, India and France.
I love the way you worked in the prompt - You did that on purpose. Well done. My hat is off to you.
Thanks for sharing your story and I look forward to reading more of you work as the year progresses.
I'm 💙 Carly and I found your chapter when I clicked on the read and review link for the day. This is not usually the type of story I would read, but it seemed to pull me in despite feeling lost... starting at chapter 27 does not help.
I'm sure there is a lot of background that I am missing so I am less inclined to comment. The action is there. There is a build up that I think is rather well done. I feel for Kam.
But I am not sure about the various groups of people or how they fit together. Silo's group and Kam and Bel.
I did notice this:
"He needed a belt for his slacks this time, and the vest hangs off his shoulders in a way it didn’t before." I think hangs should be hung.
I was also not sure if Kam is dating only Bel, but also Silo.
I'm 💙 Carly and I found your poem when I clicked on the read and review link on the side of my WDC page. I like the randomness of the picks... and the extra gift points is a sweet treat as well.
I really enjoyed this poem. It told a story that is lovely and heartwarming. Feeding the masses of those in need when your family is late in coming and when they do finally make it they add their own food and continue to share in the bounty. I love that.
Your poem follows an aabb pattern and holds through each of the stanzas. Only one stanza - the last broke from this pattern. By then the story was nearing its close so it was not something to disrupt the read.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I do hope you continue to write and share your work. I see this is written in 2010... that is the beauty of the randomness of read and review - it picks up stuff and puts it out there - reminding the readers of the wonderful writing here at WDC, but also reminding the writers of the wonderful work they have shared over the years.
It's 💙 Carly and I wanted to do a read and review and your very tiny item "Lace and Streamers Wedding Card-Nov. 23" came up on my page. I had to laugh... not at the poem. It's lovely, but at the fact that I need to do a review of over 500 characters for a piece that has all of 26 words!
So you are giving "all your love to that non-traditional couple on their big day with this card."
I know that kind of thing can be short and sweet, but I would have liked more. Who is this lovely non-traditional couple? What makes them non-traditional? How did they meet? What is special about their relationship - other than their marriage - that makes you happy? How do you know them?
The sentiments you do share are heart felt and genuine. I wish them well and hope they have a wonderful life together.
Thanks for sharing and I do hope you continue to write and share your work with the world.
Hi Genipher.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of I Write in 2024.
I have just read your short story "El Diablo" , which I found when I posted my own entry to the forum and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I liked this story. I could picture who I would love this to be.... there was satisfaction in the kill and utter disappointment at realization that he had not died.
Characters:
Emmanuel - good name choice.
Mr. President - who is shot and then comes back to life. I thought him painted as a rather slimy person - touching and smelling the little girl's hair.
The VP and body guards.
Setting:
We are in a hotel room with Emmanuel as he takes his shot, then later we are with him watching the TV as the president he killed comes back to life.
Plot:
The assignation of the president and its aftermath.
Favourite Part:
Suggestions:
In this part:
"Emmanuel let out a sigh and lowered the rifle. He could be patient. A few moments later and the door opened again. First came the wall of suits and there, in the middle, was a glint of white hair. Emmanuel lowered the rifle and centered it on his target’s head."
I think the rifle needs to be raised before he fires, not lowered.
The dialogue of the VP repeats the word today and t seems an awkward speech.
The dialogue of the president when he comes back alive also seems fine to me but I would not be inclined to call it eloquent.
Additional Comments:
I enjoyed reading this short story. I wish you well in the contest.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi Jacky,
My name is Carly and I am doing this review because I challenging myself to do at least one review a day. I clicked on the read and review and your short piece popped up.
I have just read your short piece "Making it Right" and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
This was cute wee piece. Interesting characters. It made me smile.
Characters:
Gwen and Basie are waiting and watching to see if the spell Gwen bought from Eldrith is working on Juno.
Eldrith has the hots for Juno.
Setting:
Gwen and Basie are in Gwen's house watching Juno who is out on the swing.
Plot:
Gwen bought a spell to get rid of Juno from her swing. Why she needs to get rid of him is unclear.
The spell she bought is from Eldrith who is interested in Juno romantically. Apparently Eldrith sold her a spell, but not to get rid of Juno. The spell is probably to get Juno to fall for Eldrith.
Gwen decides that since she has been duped she will at least cast a spell to change Juno into a rat.
I am curious as to why she needed to buy the spell from Eldrith in the first place - if she was already able to turn Juno into a rat herself. And why a rat?
Favourite Part:
I like the explanation of why Eldrith would sell her that kind of spell in the first place.
Suggestions:
I see no spelling or grammar issues.
Additional Comments:
I am not sure what the contest is or what the word count is supposed to be at. I would have liked a bit more information as to why Gwen wants Juno gone and what kind of trouble he's been causing.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
I'm 💙 Carly. I found your poem "Invalid Entry" on one of the request a review pages here on WDC and since I am trying to challenge myself to review at least one person a day I decided to pick this lovely poem. Happy National Poetry Month.
It is important to remember that I am not a professional. I am simply one who wishes to learn and grow in my own poetic voice. To do that, I practice my own creations and review the creations of others so that my knowledge can be furthered. That said, I want you to consider my opinion as merely that... your poem is ultimately your creation. Please feel free to use or disregard my advise as you see fit.
Overall Impression:
I quite liked this poem. The juxtaposition of the past to the current sadness is apparent and heartbreaking.
Form:
I am not sure of the poems form, but there is a rhyme in there on occasion - every other line.
Techniques:
Repetition is used to highlight the power this couple had together - "our meadow"
Favourite Lines:
I really like the beginning lines of this poem:
"Beneath a distant spring
where the summer still awaits
there are mornings in the dawn
where expectation lies in wait
As the sun begins to rise
and dispel the early dew
the sound of birdsong in the air
heralds in the day anew;"
There is a freshness to this that resonates with me.
I also like the repetition of "our meadow"
Suggestions:
I like the rhyming pattern of wait and participate, but I find at the end it could be a little fresher. The repetition is fine, but instead of participate the birds could confabulate. Just a thought.
I also thought a line break after "my king --" would also emphasize the change from past to present.
Additional Comments:
I am not sure if the loss of love is a breakup or something more, but you well to capture the pain and tenderness of such a moment. I was right along with the person. Their emotions were palatable.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I enjoyed reading it. I look forward to reading more of your work. Do keep writing.
I'm 💙 Carly. This was a great poem to read. I could picture the sour pinched up faces without the video, but the video was funny. That you for sharing both and making my day sweeter with a tinge of sourly facial gymnastics.
I love the guy popping his eye open.
Your rhymes were divine and the flow was heavenly. I want to try writing a poem for this. I don't usually read other people's stuff before my own attempt, but I could not resist this morning. I will make my own sour attempt after you wee poem settles down in my mind and lets me create one of my own.
Thanks again for sharing this. Have a great Easter Weekend and I do hope to read more of your poetry again soon.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. I am not a professional, so take what you wish from this review that works for you and leave anything that doesn't. Remember this is only my opinion. This piece of writing is ultimately yours.
Wow. This is quite the action piece. I would be curious to know more. This could be the start of something much bigger. I was drawn in right from the very beginning. I realize it is a nightmare, but I could see more coming of it.
I did find that for such a short piece, there was a lot of characters. I had to read that part over a couple of times to make sure I was sure I had them all in my head before reading on. I would inclined to cut a couple to make it a bit easier to follow them all.
I also noticed "They cages" should be "The cages". That was just a wee thing.
I would also have the big dark form jump onto the carpet of glass and not just step. I get the impression this beast would move with more force than a step could encapsulate.
This is some nightmare. One very scary ass one.
I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short fiction piece as it came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. Please remember that this review is only my opinion and ultimately you are the one who crafts the story. I hope my comments will be helpful to you. If they are not, just disregard them.
Overall, I found this an interesting piece. The character seems like an interesting one. And I love his name - Haze Foxstone.
I am assuming that the 'small shifter campus' is a university of sorts that teaches creatures who can shape shift into animals. I don't read this type of story, but I found it intriguing and I was drawn to read more.
There were a few spots where I got out of the story.
**"That is one disciplinarians. Even though most of the staff are female, some joke they act like enforcers like in packs because they often break up any fights or problems." The girl giving him the tour whispered, acting like a proper goldfinch gossip."
This paragraph reads awkward for me. The word 'like' was used three times and I found the second one awkward and jarring. A possible suggestion - some joke they act like enforcers. They are usually in packs because they often break up any fights or problems.
I like the part about acting like a proper goldfinch gossip - that gave me a great image.
I like the description of the small boy... the hamster.
I also enjoyed the ending.
Interesting tale. Good luck with the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work over the course of the year.
The first part could be smoothed out - maybe - That is one of the disciplinarians.
It's Carly. I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece as it came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. Please remember this review is only my opinion and I am only a fellow reader and writer here at WDC. Take what you can use, discard anything that doesn't work for you.
I like the idea of a Goofing Off day. I tend to take more of those than I should... many a day starts out with productive thoughts and ambitions, but as the day progresses and I hit a few hiccups I tend to abandon the things I am supposed to do and Goof Off.
I really like the first three stanzas. They resonate with me and the reader learns something in the process - how to lower their blood pressure and heart rate.
The last verse repeats "Goofing Off" and I found there could be something more there in the third line. Maybe a further thing to do...not sure what exactly, but I am thinking to get rid of the extra goofing off in that line.... just my opinion. Maybe something like 'refuse to check our emails'
I know there is a rhyming pattern. It changes in each verse.
The poem is fun and quirky. I hope you were goofing off as you wrote it.
Good luck in the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work at the year progresses.
This is definitely a cute piece. It had me thinking about a woman on Instagram that does the voices of various tech things. I can't remember her name but she takes on the personality of each of the things and I find it quite funny.
This piece was like that... and I am a Samsung person myself.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your scary wee piece that came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
The 666 words snt tremors up my spine... was that part of the contest?
I think you did an excellent job painting the picture of this wee Leprechaun and his nasty intents. I loved the description of him. I really liked how you introduced him at the beginning enjoying the night - prancing through the trees.
He watches the villagers from his nightly perch. His need to harm them is like an itch that needs scratching. I get that sensation as I read this.
I enjoyed this sinister tale... I believe I will take care when I go out into the forest the next time...
My only qualm was with the last line: "Beneath the veil of night, a lithe figure slipped noiselessly into the heart of the forest, evading any pursuit." I was not sure if it pertained to Malachi or something else as he seemed to already be sung back in his home. That line was either not needed or could have been put before the last paragraph it was about Malachi... or was it something else out there in the forest?
I wish you luck in the contest and look forward to reading more of your work as the year unfolds. Have a great week and happy writing.
Hi Amethyst Angel (House Mormont),
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I love the Soundtrack of Your Life Challenge. I completely forgot about it this year and by the time I found it the month was mostly over. So instead of writing my own blogs for the challenge I will take some time to read and listen to other people who took up the gauntlet to do it. Have you made it all the way through?
This song took a bit to get into me. It's not my usual kind of thing, but it had a way of sinking in to my musical memory with its darkness.
I enjoyed listening to the song. I watched both videos. I preferred the one with the lyrics. I was not a fan of the maggots. Creepy, yucky things. I am still shuddering. I liked the way the lyrics were presented in the video and the cartoon version softened the brutalness of the song for me.
It is a darker song.
I enjoyed your write up. I really enjoyed how you told me about your relationship to this song - giving me a glimpse into the bands dynamic - the breakup and subsequent makeup of the lead singer and his significant other. That went a long way to explaining a lot of the pain and angst in the song.
I liked how you included the positive and negative sides in your review. That was very cool.
I also liked how this song inspired you to write something and include the lyrics in the opening of your story. I may just have to go check that out. It sounds rather intriguing and I want to see what you did with it.
I'm also curious what other songs you included in your Soundtrack this year. I may have to have further listening sessions.
Thanks for sharing your music and a glimpse into your life.
Hi Sum1,
It's 💙 Carly and I have the pleasure of reading an reviewing your short piece written for the Writer's Cramp. It falls before my entry to the I Write in 2024 forum.
I am not well versed in science fiction so remember this is only my opinion. Take what you will and leave what doesn't work for you.
I found the concept very intriguing. Two aliens finding an odd thing in space and being required to turn it in to the leaders. Their curiousity has them studying it and in turn getting themselves through in shackles.
I did find a few spots that pulled me out of the story.
"It look like it was a shiny color at one time, but now it’s dull as can be.” I think look should be looked.
"on life" would read as a new start 'in life' to me.
"mydself" should probably be myself.
I was also not sure of "most Aineat's" and though it should be Aineateans. I know you use this form further down in the piece and I liked it that way better.
Overall, I would say you met the parameters of the contest prompt. I wasn't sure if you have to use the exact wording or just the premise of the prompt. Either way, I think you did an admirable job of crafting your tale.
Good luck in the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as it came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I love poems that tell a story and I am also drawn to troubled relationships. The chill of the poem is there even in the beginning... the guy is clearly bad to the bone.
The poem follows a AABB rhyming pattern. The words for rhyming are well chosen. They pull the reader into the story and paint a picture of the man as a ghastly ghoul capable of killing an innocent.
There are four phrases that are bolded and I am assuming they are part of the contest requirements for the Writer's Cramp. Such a great contest. You do an excellent job of working those phrases into your poem. You also managed to use the dark as one of your genres.
I would see this as a winning entry. I realize you did not win the contest. Still, I think it is excellent.
I look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses. I do so enjoy the I Write in 2024 contest challenge. Good luck with all your future writings.
Cute handle by the way! I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem Oh Cupid, My Cupid as it came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
It made me think of Captain, My Captain. I like the fun of it. The line - "My voice like curdled milk did sing!" Not sure what that would sound like exactly, but it painted the image of something very off-putting and I had to laugh.
I continued to enjoy your humourous verses - chuckling as I read. The poor bugger got kicked for expressing her ardour and Cupid had on a blindfold. Priceless.
Good luck in the contest. I do hope you win as I felt it was a lovely piece.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece for the Share Your Faith contest as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. I entered this one as well because I like the concept of Nurture and Nature. I really liked your explanation of the duality of human beings.
This is something you have done some thing on over the years and I believe you have a solid faith and share it well.
I agree that education is very important. I also find intentional choices to be important in growing that knowledge over a lifetime. One must make the choice to enrich both the soul's and body's learning here on earth. Lessons are learned on the world stage. We are exposed to a cornucopia of delights and we must choose the best things to develop our body, mind and soul.
Nurturing the right environment helps and I believe other people can be the hands and feet of God as they help the younger generation find their way in the world. We all want to thrive, but not everyone is born into privilege -finding guides to help nurture us is vital for those souls born in less than happy situations.
I am grateful for you, Neva. Have a wonderful new year. I look forward to reading more of your work throughout the year.
Hello Angelica- House Florent B & W;
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as it falls before mine in the Twenty-Three in Eleven I Write forum.
I did this contest too and made sure I added the word count to NaNoWriMo!
Since I am Canadian and my Thanksgiving in past, I focused on gratitude as it is the best part of Thanksgiving... although the food and family are very close.
I enjoyed your poem. I like the repetition of 'I'm thankful for' in the first 3 stanzas. I like the appreciation of difference as I would agree that it makes the world a far more interesting place - sameness is flat. Diversity is vibrant and a vibrant world is intriguing.
I also agree that we must always be thankful and practice gratitude in the small and big things. Appreciating what we have is a way to count blessings. It reminds us that even when things are dark, we still have shimmers of light.
Hi Sumojo;
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as it comes before mine in the Twenty-three in Eleven forum.
I can feel your frustration as I read this poem. Nasty things left in the pockets of clothing. My mother used to hate it when I would collect Iron Ore pellets and leave then in the pockets. Those dang suckers could break the washing machine if you weren't careful. At six and seven I didn't really get that, but I tried to remember.
The piece follows an ABAB pattern and all but one verse follows that pattern. The third stanza has cure and work.... although lurk rhymes with work. That verse was a bump for me, but other than that I though it was a rather good attempt for your laundry blues. Love that title.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your flash fiction piece as I posted my entry after yours in the Twenty Three in Eleven forum.
I had to chuckle as I read this. I had just entered the same contest and after reading this... you are surely the winner.
I was immediately pulled into the story and loved that Madisyn was able to work things so well for herself. She is not someone I would want to cross. As an ally, she would formidable.
Well done. I tip my hat to you. Such a great story in only 300 words.
I had the pleasure of reading and reviewing your non-fiction piece about your lovely dog, Pumpkin.
Your dog had quite the life and quite the traveling by the sounds of things. It is hard to lose a member or your family - especially the animal ones. It sounds like you had a lot of health concerns to overcome and I am so happy you persisted and got her the help she needed.
I would have loved to hear more about some of the fun things you did with her over your time together. Animals bring us many stories.
Thank you for sharing your memories and good luck in the contest.
Hi W.P. Gerace;
Having tried my hand at this prompt I wanted to see how the winner handled it and you did it masterfully. I loved your story and how you worked in the details.
Being from Canada, I had to research the various places that were mentioned. I had fun, but it put a bit of a crick in my writing.
One suggestion I would make would be to break up the paragraphs a bit so that there is more white space. Paul's texts would do well on a line of their own - emphasizing his point. I like that they are in all caps. My EX wrote everything in all caps and did not understand when I was telling him he was 'yelling' at me whenever he did that.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece as I hit the Read & Review button to generate a random piece to be reviewed. Since it is the birthday month I am taking advantage of the extra gift points and the chance to get in more reviews this month.
One Suggestion I can make - because I have gotten the same advise is to choose the best genres to best categorize an item to make it easier for readers/reviewers to find. For instance, I have often been chastised for choosing "Contest entry" and "Other". It is not a category people prioritize in searches. Choosing more appropriate genres will help your writing get seen. Try something from the dropdown menu that hits with your piece. "Short story" works, but you have two other chances to drag audience to your piece. Apparently this is a thing.
You do well to work in wheel and rock, but hat is a little awkward. I'd suggest having the girl throw her hat in frustration at the beginning. That way you work in the word hat a bit more seamlessly and let the reader know we have a female protagonist.
This also appears to be a contest that has a word count limit. I would suggest including the word count at the bottom or top of your piece. Most contests ask that you include this. I found it ended too soon, but then word count could have been a factor.
Another suggestion is this awkward:
"want to now that we’re this far. Keep telling me.” I think this should be know.
Thanks for sharing. Happy writing. Hope you're enjoying the birthday events and activities this week.
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