Blog @ Work

Not a good day!

** Image ID #2099018 Unavailable **

What is something about yourself that annoys you? "JAFBG"   by Elisa the Bunny Stik

I am so fucking annoyed with myself I could scream today! Okay, I have had this checkup for breast cancer the day before yesterday. I went, didn’t I, although I put it off three times? I fucking went, and that is good. But why am I totally messed up because of it today?

I didn’t go to work, I slept in, and I tried to hide from the world and doing a good job at that. But I am afraid and I don’t like it. It is also so unnecessary to feel this way at the present. Nothing has happened yet, there is no cancer yet to be dealt with but still, I am paralyzed, waiting for that phone to ring and my GP telling me something is wrong. It’s stupid, it’s silly, and it’s devastating to my mental health since the doctor can phone me anywhere within a fortnight. A fortnight! For crying out loud, I am not going to bitch about this for fourteen days, am I? And then, if something is found in the X-ray, I still have to face that consequence and have all that time in the world to feel sorry for myself.

I hate this about myself. I am acting like a little child that has a tantrum, stamping its feet and shouting “I don’t want to, I don’t want to.” I just don’t want to be a grown up now and be sensible about it. I am fucking scared to death and I want to hide in my bed all day for fourteen days and do nothing then suck my thumb. I am regressing I know. Sigh.

So what is my course of action?
• I have to convince myself not to worry in advance. Don't worry about what you can't control!!
• Write down what’s bothering me in my blogs. Vent about it, that’s what a blog is there for.
• Be gentle to me. Negative thoughts of any kind can destroy what’s left of the little hope I have of a good outcome.
• Try to keep it together by just living my life as I know how. Not going to work doesn’t help. Appointments are there to distract me from feeling hopeless.
• Start to act and do research as soon as you know more about the X-rays, not sooner. There is a lot of information and resources out there and on here at WdC. "Breast Cancer Awareness - Contest & More"  [ASR].
• Find distractions: go to the movies with friends.
• Talk about it.
• Keep your cool!!