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 |   Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland |
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Reflections and ruminations from a modern day Alice - Life is Wonderland  Welcome to the place were I chronicle my own falls down dark holes and adventures chasing white rabbits! Come on In, Take a Bite, You Never Know What You May Find... "Curiouser and curiouser." Alice in Wonderland    |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT November 18th What is something that most people misunderstand or wrongly assume about you? I honestly don't know. These days its hard for me to tell if what I perceive in other's is a general lack of interest in me or lack of concern in my well-being because they wrongly assume I'm fine. I have this one friend, we have been friends forever and she is the most kind-hearted, selfless person I know. I'm blessed to have her in my life. I can not count the times I have received a text in the morning just checking in on me or wishing me a good day, or words of encouragement. This small gesture has made all the difference some days. She knows what has been going on in my life and she has been a real source of comfort to me. Her care and concern magnifies the indifference that others show me though. I don't think I've had any conversation lately with my sister than hasn't revolved around her and her life. My siblings never ask me how I am, I don't think they even consider it. I used to be close with my sister but in the last year, she seems not to see me at all. I thought us having Roo was going to deepen our relationship, that would bring my daughter and I closer into her world but in truth, it has been only to lead me to feeling more isolated and apart. I don't feel welcome very often and though I try to help out and be supportive, I feel her resentment and disappointment like a incoming tide sometimes. At a time when I could really use someone to talk to, my texts and phone calls rarely get answered. She has no real idea of how I've been feeling, how much I am struggling with my life at this time. My mother and I are estranged and my relationship with my father is very complicated for me at the moment. My brother has never been a support system for me. Phone calls and visits with him revolve around getting our kids together and not any real sibling comradery. I don't think he's ever given thought to what I may or may not have going on personally. He just doesn't work that way. This past year my youngest brother and I had a falling out. No, that's being generous. He snapped on me and sent a blistering series of private and public messages to me. He is an addict, and I have come to expect the up and down with him over the last few years. He has frequently said things or behaved in ways that lead to our temporary estrangement. This was different. He broke my heart and what is worse, he made me afraid. I have worked very hard in my life to overcome the imprint of fear left on me by another man...something he has first hand knowledge of. The fact that he brought me to a place of that kind of fear again by his own violent threats...is unforgivable. I cut all ties to him. It has been a devastating loss I have largely born in private. I felt mortally wounded by it all, and months and months later, I still feel the rage and grief of it all. If I had to pinpoint a time when I first felt my spirit weakening, it was when he told me I was a "piece of shit" and he hoped someone would "burn my house down on me". I had no words for how it felt to read those words, no way to equate them with the little boy I loved as if he was my own. I cut him out of life and as a result, I think I lost something of myself...something I will never be able to get back or replace. In my family, I have always been a bit of a fixer. I've taken up the slack for others who are less engaged. I'm never one to ignore the phone or the needs of others in my family. I regularly get drawn into dramas to support or back someone else. However, I have come to understand that I am rarely the person they think about. I am not the person they call just to "check in on". Maybe they assume I don't need anything, maybe they think I've always been okay? Maybe they don't see a world outside their own? I don't know. It is making me dread the holidays all the more because my heart is 100% not in it. I live closer to my two remaining siblings then I have since we all lived under the same roof. I think I believed it would make us closer. I thought, given the parents we share, that it would make us closer. It hasn't. It is seemed only to magnify that the opposite is true. Maybe they just assume I am okay with it all but they would be wrong. |
| 30 Days Blogging Challenge PROMPT November 17th There are 45 days remaining in the year. What do you want to do or accomplish before 2019 is over? I would like to get through even one solid week without falling into the slumps. I would like to get firmly ahead of my depression, at least far enough to see clearly through a holiday season and happy new year. I'd like to stick to my diet, and get all my blog entries written for the challenge. I'd like to avoid having any more arguments with my husband. This prompt is making me realize, even though my decorations are already in place, I'm not mentally prepared for what comes with the season and the fast-approaching end of the year. At a time when I am typically starting to feel festive and joyful, I'm weighted down by anxiety and prone to random days where I wake feeling extremely sad and overwhelmed. I am dreading the next 45 days because I don't feel equipped to handle all the typical family drama and the hustle and bustle of our typical holidays. That's really all I got today. I am particularly out of sorts this morning I think. |
| 30 Day Blogging Challenge PROMPT November 16th If you had to spend one million dollars in one day, what would you spend it on? A million dollars for one day sounds like a movie plot. I think I would pay off our home and all our outstanding debts. I'd put enough into a savings account for the my daughter's college. You never know what life has planned for you so paying things off and preparing as much as possible while you can afford to do it, seems like the smarter way to spend any sudden windfall. I'd make an investment in something for myself, something I could build into a business of my own one day. Self-reliance feels like something I could really get behind at this time in my life. If there was anything left, I would finally take myself on a European Viking River Cruise, the 15 day one...the creme de la creme of them all. Then, I would look for my own modest horse property where I could bring Roo home too. I'm sure there are countless things I could think of to do with a million dollar payday. I could fix the roof of my sister's barn for her or help my uncle with my grandmother's old and aging home. I could sit and think about it for another hour but my coffee cup is empty and I still need to catch up on one more prompt from the weekend as well as settle up with today's prompt too. |
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