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the metamorphosis from me to ME along the journey |
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~~METAMORPHOSIS -1~~ on the journey AN ACCOUNT OF MY LEARNING, POEMING AND LIFE-J0OURNEY, 09/18/09ff ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++THIS IS TO BE READ BY ALL WHO DARE TO READ AND ENJOY!!!**!!!*** +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SEPTEMBER 21, 2009 This is my inaugural entry in this journal. This is really a fun and rewarding way to do this!! I am looking forward to filling these pages, and more!!!. . |
| By my escape hatch, I refer again and often to our NEW HANDICAP RAMP! Never has an assembly of lumber had such portent for my life and attitude! Today is our Monday; the world's thursday! With our weekend being tues/wed, our week starts on Thurs., with the corresponding Monday-brain to go along with it! Confusing, at best! Sort of a bass-ackward approach to the week and productivity and all. Because of this and the reality that the rest of the house has a normal week, I have a true 7-day week! I literally don't get a day off. Those 5 days in the hospital were the FIRST days away from this 24/7 milleiu since 2/10/09! Hope I don't have to get sick again to get some down time. We sort of have to stand up for our needs better around here. Rick is not here to do all the housework, and I am not here to be the maid! Or the cook, or whatever, :O{ |
| Didn't mean to make that last entry sound so pitiful! I meant because of the configuration of the house, a stretcher couldn't be easily rolled through. I sound pititiful, and I am not! Just a little cooped up!; |
| I am thrilled to announce that we now have a handicap ramp outside of our house!! We did just have a portable metal ramp that we can only use durinng DRY weather. We slid off it last year and my ribs ached for months. I landled in the chair on top of poor Rick. He is such a trooper. We have been excruciatingly careful since that awful fall. The result is that I have only been getting to to outside about once per month. All of my nature poems have come from my memory. That's why I am so obsessed with the cats--they are often the only lively things I see day to day! So, I feel like a free woman! Because of the shape of the house and the ramp situation, we even had to take me down the metal ramp in the wheelchair and then load ,me onto the ambulance stretcher in the yard to get me to the hospital last week. We had to get me discharged early to miss the rain that came last week. So, this solves lots of woes!! |
| I am thrilled to announce that we now have a handicap ramp outside of our house!! We did just have a portable metal ramp that we can only use durinng DRY weather. We slid off it last year and my ribs ached for months. I landled in the chair on top of poor Rick. He is such a trooper. We have been excruciatingly careful since that awful fall. The result is that I have only been getting to to outside about once per month. All of my nature poems have come from my memory. That's why I am so obsessed with the cats--they are often the only lively things I see day to day! So, I feel like a free woman! Because of the shape of the house and the ramp situation, we even had to take me down the metal ramp in the wheelchair and then load ,me onto the ambulance stretcher in the yard to get me to the hospital last week. We had to get me discharged early to miss the rain that came last week. So, this solves lots of woes!! |
| I am writing this entry from little j, my back office computer that I had to earn a little money to fix. My ancient computers are so old that the power-supplies and other essentials are now wearing out. But for the simple charge of $25, we were able to order one and I'm now back in the sanity business. That is to say, pre-surgery normal instead of my kitchen-office as hospital room abnormal. Now, I at least have somewhere to retreat to under the pretense of feeding lunch to the cats! But I count this as a small victory of sorts. Heck. I got a Rhodes Today this AM and read about me--I have told them that I am bringing a book of self published poetry to the reunion in October! I'd better get busy! Gotta pick the poems and earn the money for the book!But I still have 8 months to get the books in. ~~ PLENTY OF TIME!! Ha! lol! ROFLOL! &C! |
| I am suffering from too little down time. It is making me crazy! I SO can't wait for our days off Tues and Wed! I just need to get out of this dark house and into some guilt-free sunlight.I am going to spend some time in with the cats later on today working on homecoming and the room in general. I just feel like I am at such a dead end every day. It is like I have a Jenny Template that I live in and fill out with each day's meagre victories, despite everyone else's best efforts. I feel sort of parenoid and defeated today. Can't much figure out how to make that stop, either! |
| I have now transferred all of my journal entries from this year to this blog. I am assured that my readership will be anonymous and non-family; just my WDC friends know how to access this! Read on, I say! There is NOTHING private or hurtful in here; I just want some me-space free from prying relatives! If they can figure out how to get into WDC and my account, more power to them! |
REAL LIFE 2011: TOO MANY CATS, TOO LITTLE SANITY! 01/30/11 That statement is not to be taken too literally; I don’t want to lessen our cat load or have more quiet! In fact, despite all of my vocal pleas for more quiet and less people and just more rickandjenny time, this whole sandarsurgery thing has terrified me and let me see just how much I really miss her. Just how much I have gotten comfortable here with our status quo. Just how lost I feel here without her and von. He has gone to Durham to be with her for the surgery on Tues. so it is just the two of us; we are outnumbered by the cats! The “too many cats” thing has become economic for now. Because of a garnishment against Rick that is eating up over $400 of his income each month, we are really in pitiful financial shape right now. So, my writing has become more essential than ever for now. I NEED to produce about $100/wk. That is easy to write down, and much harder to do! Sandar’s illness really has me in a funk; depressed and frightened. I am hoping that this little writing avenue will give me an outlet of sanity and centeredness! 01/31/11 Yes; just knowing that I once again have an active journal is making a difference. Now that my back machine is dead, I won’t get to work on it in back, but can take hard copy to write on if I so desire. Sandar is doing ok. She is understandably terrified about her surgery tomorrow. She was found to have no blockage in her heart, which made the physician performing the test murmur “wonderful, wonderful” all the way through it. So, things are looking good at this point. That determination lets them see that they can go in through the “back door”—not having to crack her chest to operate on her heart! We take good news wherever it is! 02011 I am so relaxed that I can’t hold my eyes open! I guess that is what vacation is for, and I am counting this as a mini-vacation, free from stress and expectations. This is the first time since 2/10/09 that we have been by ourselves, to just think about stuff of our own doing and life. And the concern about Sandar is with us still! I never realized how much stress is on me here. I am “on” all the time, to quote Rick. There is no time that I am not having to answer to something, out here in front of God and everyone! That is more fatiguing than I had ever realized until now. And I don’t see any remedy for it, either, except to just enjoy this week as much as I can! And look for additional ways to not let this milieu take such a toll on my psyche! I guess I stay “on” so much so as to not let all of this get to me at once. I feel like I have to stay alert to keep it from consuming me and my spirit. I can deal with the mess and the basic curative work just needed to keep it livable but can’t afford to let too much of it get to my head and focus. This is the first time I have been able to verbalize my real perceptions about the situation. I am actually glad that I have had this on-site opportunity to decompress before going somewhere like allen’s and making an ass of myself! It is good to be ok on my own terms and own turf without acting out unexpectedly somewhere else. That will also help us when we go to pick Sandar up. By then, we will have gotten von back; that happens tomorrow. I just need to formulate some strategies on how to preserve this together feeling for myself without giving it away inadvertently. This is something I need to pray about, too. To be able to focus on my whole self, and to nurture it in Christ so as to be a more complete person to be able to do Christ’s will in the world. 020311.1 For some reason, I am a whiny basket case today. Not really whiny; there is no one to whine to! Rick woke up in his usual puddle today. I am just sorry that I can’t really start my day without his assistance, but then, I am not sure the day would EVER start without my bitching and goading. It zaps my good mood before I can even make it into the chair most days. I just don’t know what to do. And so I feel compelled to perform magic, like making laundry baskets appear so that I can finish the laundry, etc. I unfortunately use it as an excuse to not be good or focused at what I do well and get paid for. I need to figure out a way to stop that bullshit before I let it get out of hand again. It is just not fair to me to have to plan to outmaneuver depression and inertia every damn minute. So, now, I am letting my sour mood get in the way of working and making money, which we so desperately need to do better. I am not talking more toys, I am talking about the basics of life, like more Lasix and toothpaste and deodorant. Forget make-up; even Cover Girl has gone up to 8 bucks. Who can afford that?? I guess if I’d end my pity party and work, I could! I have plenty of jobs and ways to make money if I would only do it consistently and reliably! That would make me an attractive contractor and a great employee. That is what I want to be and do. So, I will! 020311.2 I am realizing that I have done it. Done the unthinkable. Broken into the freelance market after little over a year of trying!!! Against unbelievable odds—my environment and not knowing what in HELL I am really doing. I feel like law school has given me an unimaginable breadth of knowledge in reading all of the bizarre cases. It was never a dull moment, and I am thankful for that. Being turned loose here with nothing other than a keyboard, a connection to the net, and some aging and needy cats for company, I have thrived despite all of my whining. I just totaled up what my monthly income could be if I am really committed to doing this well, and it is well over my goal of $500 per month in my WILDEST dreams! I just have to keep my head screwed on straight and my energy up to make this all work! 020511 I am now in the midst of a severe funk over this am. The goings-on around here make me want to CUT MY HEAD OFF rather than keep it on straight! So, instead of a lot of productive work for today, I once again have to just put myself back together and put up with this shit. I sure don’t want to stress myself to make money to support this BS. Life is too short. So, I really haven’t done it, as far as being together enough to carry it off. Fun news, tho! I have found some neat old friends on FB, including Martha Norton, Robert deBin, Billie Cannon, Michele Walker, Jason Ray, and others. So, I am putting my world and my memories back together one click at a time! Great fun! So, I’ve just quit my blogging job for thoughts only, and am reviewing all of my options. I have pissed Kevin Ngo off to the point that I think he is through with me. What looked like a lucrative situation just 2 days ago now looks like shit. I need out of here for awhile, to be away from the false, forced drama of the thing. I am not comfortable with all of this—with any of this. I WOULD go away if I had ANYWHERE to go. But I know that I would never make it without Rick’s help. I have no income, no means of support, no nothing except a bunch of cranky cats and some old computer equipment. So, what should I do to pick up my pieces? Common sense tells me to eat some lunch and get my act together. So, I will do that. And then, work on the stuff that is in progress now, to keep up my momentum. I need to avoid setting myself up to fail by taking on too many projects that I can’t complete comfortably and professionally. I need to set myself up to WIN. That is the only fair thing to do. And, I know that I can do it with my abilities and excellent writing skills. I just need to believe in myself more. I am the only person in this equation who doesn’t believe in me! 020611 I am so BORED today! Von has gone to Durham, Rick is at work, I have done all the writing I feel like doing. . . . I guess I could start working on a Jmac article so that I would have something to bill for today. That sounds promising 020711 This day is so full of potential but I can’t make myself focus and work! I have just heard Galloway, my beloved song by Michael Gettel, and am just shaking. I wonder: will I always be this fragile and unable? I want to be response-able, not un-able! Capable and durable, not unable to cope with the mundane shit of life! I need to focus on my ability, and decide what I want to push to excellence. I am so caught up in my planning and scheduling and daytimer culture; I need to make all of that pertain to my ability. I need to get a grip on what will empower my ability. Figure out what I want to do with it. Where I want it to take me. When I want it to get me there. And, how I will get there. I guess I need to print a copy of this and dedicate a notebook to my journal. I will use the kitten one. Or, maybe have a comprehensive notebook with my calendar, journal, and work stuff. I will try that. I just worry that when I am this down and despondent and unproductive that I will never get out of my rut. I have set up my big notebook and made up some schemes to get different stuff done differently. That sort of progress always feels good. Sometimes, I just have the feeling that I’m crispy from too much life. Too much sensory input. I really like working out here more than in back, but in back at least I can control the input I am subjected to! So when I get a day like this to myself, I just stare off into space like I am unproductively doing right now when I am not whining! So, I have made it through the day at last. Even got it together enuf to cook our uninspired supper of boxed mashed potatoes and canned soup! HMM. 022111.2 I am so bored and tired of listening to Sandra moan as she sleeps. I am having trouble working in here, yet am loathe to go to the back office to work, as I won’t be able to hear her and have no computer back there anyway. Maybe rick can order a new power supply Friday after he gets paid to get the back machine working again, and Sandra will be well enough to leave alone out here. I am just so tired of trying to make our lives better against these odds. I am not sure what I expected to get out of my life, but it sure as HELL wasn’t this! I have lost all drive to make any money for us or write anything. To even write poetry or pet cats. I don’t dare get my hopes up anymore by making lists or plans or anything. I have realized that it is not chatta or even that I am out of Memphis that bothers me so much, but that I have so little control over what I can do. But there is so much life to live and so much to do. I can’t just go into a funk and quit being happy, no matter how much I want to. I refuse to do that. And, yes, Keith was right when he expressed that he thought part of the equation that wasn’t working was my disability. If I didn’t have to deal with those issues, I would have an easier time. I would be more mobile and useful. And more arrogant and less gracious. Having to sit here interminably makes me seek out stuff to be thankful for. Makes me make my own fun, such as it is. 022111 For some reason, I am just shattered. Inconsolably, unproductive, irreparably shattered. Or, not exactly irreparably, but difficult-ly shattered. I didn’t realize how tentative and impermanent-ly my sanity and stability were until they went away in a haze of uncertainty. So now, I have to look for “glue” to keep the proverbial cup from shattering into bits, that cup representing my soul and mind. I have a poem to that effect: I resent what all of this upheaval in our lives has done to my soul. It has ground my spirit into tiny, unglue-able bits the size of mustard seeds. It is said that if we have faith the size of those tiny seeds, we will be o.k. Maybe those minuscule bits will come in handy, after all! Bring on the glue! That just about sums it up—the mustard-sized soul-bits can be re-glued with the three-faceted glues of faith, hope and love! So, that would make the ingredients Faith in God Hope in the future Love, which never fail, as found in I Cor. 13: 1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version) 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. =================================================================== So, keeping all this in perspective, it seems like I can draw on the essence of my past and my beliefs to shore me up and keep me sane 022111.2 I am so bored and tired of listening to Sandra moan as she sleeps. I am having trouble working in here, yet am loathe to go to the back office to work, as I won’t be able to hear her and have no computer back there anyway. Maybe rick can order a new power supply Friday after he gets paid to get the back machine working again, and Sandra will be well enough to leave alone out here. I am just so tired of trying to make our lives better against these odds. I am not sure what I expected to get out of my life, but it sure as HELL wasn’t this! I have lost all drive to make any money for us or write anything. To even write poetry or pet cats. I don’t dare get my hopes up anymore by making lists or plans or anything. I have realized that it is not chatta or even that I am out of Memphis that bothers me so much, but that I have so little control over what I can do. But there is so much life to live and so much to do. I can’t just go into a funk and quit being happy, no matter how much I want to. I refuse to do that. And, yes, Keith was right when he expressed that he thought part of the equation that wasn’t working was my disability. If I didn’t have to deal with those issues, I would have an easier time. I would be more mobile and useful. And more arrogant and less gracious. Having to sit here interminably makes me seek out stuff to be thankful for. Makes me make my own fun, such as it is. 022111 For some reason, I am just shattered. Inconsolably, unproductive, irreparably shattered. Or, not exactly irreparably, but difficult-ly shattered. I didn’t realize how tentative and impermanent-ly my sanity and stability were until they went away in a haze of uncertainty. So now, I have to look for “glue” to keep the proverbial cup from shattering into bits, that cup representing my soul and mind. I have a poem to that effect: I resent what all of this upheaval in our lives has done to my soul. It has ground my spirit into tiny, unglue-able bits the size of mustard seeds. It is said that if we have faith the size of those tiny seeds, we will be o.k. Maybe those minuscule bits will come in handy, after all! Bring on the glue! That just about sums it up—the mustard-sized soul-bits can be re-glued with the three-faceted glues of faith, hope and love! So, that would make the ingredients Faith in God Hope in the future Love, which never fail, as found in I Cor. 13: 1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version) 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. =================================================================== So, keeping all this in perspective, it seems like I can draw on the essence of my past and my beliefs to shore me up and keep me sane . |
| Life is humming along. Rick is home this week for "vacation" and has been able to help with Sander's care. We have resurrected my back-up computer so that I can steal away to work in quiet, tho I will only use it for genuine back-up work and not to do any initial work that is not anchored in the front office. I will just use the back desk to finish work in progress. It got too out of hand before with trying to maintain two active desks. We may order additional memory tomorrow to make it run efficiently, too. But that will give me private thinking space and a space to entertain the cats. I just need some me time to be able to indulge my thoughts in peace. |
I am heading along life's designated pathway at a DEAD RUN or at least roll these days. My always precious, sometimes crazy-making sister-in-law, Sandra, the "super sister" of my old poem, has had open heart surgery and needs almost full-time care from all of us. She has been out of the surgery for about 18 days and is now home and resting uncomfortably. Can't breathe well enough to lie down, can't sleep well enough to get enough rest. And that is on good days. And the doc says that she is where she should be recovery-wise. But it is exhausting for the rest of us! No one knows enough to be any help to her; she won't let us help anyway! |
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