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 |  A JOURNEY THROUGH MY MIND: THE WORDGODDESS' BLOG |
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THIS IS A JOURNAL OF WHAT'S MAKING ME WRITE. WHAT I AM WRITING, AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER SCARY THINGS. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** PLEASE READ AT YOUR PLEASURE, AND PLEASE SIGN MY GUEST-BOOK WHILE YOU'RE HERE. SOME LUCKY VISITORS WILL RECEIVE SOME SPECIAL ATTENTION. "Invalid Item"  by A Guest Visitor ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** NOW, ENJOY. |
| The bright light from the monitor flickers rapidly, staring me in the face as if taunting me. My fingers quiver over the keyboard, searching for the keys that spell out my thoughts. They seem to find them without trouble, or is it trouble they will find? Courage creeps up from my innards, stopping short of my throat..lingering and leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Are words so bitter they taste rancid on the tongue? Through my fingers flow this confession of sorts, to amend and not defend. Searching for the explanation none will want to hear, I dig into my subconsciousness and ask myself what it is. How hard it is to face the truth. Life is full of uncertain paths, and choices we must make. Each day's journey leading to tomorow's turns. These journeys have lead me hear before, now once again I stumble through these gates and ask for rites of passage. Time has placed a burden on my soul, my conscience drenched with guilt. Ashamed to admit life's greater hold and disappointed in my weakness to defeat it. Oh, how I had played it out differently in my mind. Like a circus clown, professionally juggling all of life's balls at once without falter. Only it would prove to too hard. Unstable, unreliable, the balls fell out of control, falling all around me, bouncing back to tease me. I watched as pieces of my life crashed to the floor, reaching to save the ones I could. So here I stand balancing what I was able to save, minding every ball. This time I will keep them spinning, I must not let them fall. I have learned from my previous act that too many balls spoils the show, so this time I will show reverence and keep only as many balls as I can hold. I am sorry that I dropped you before. I can only promise to hold you tighter and keep you closer. Please be part of me again. Please be part of my juggling act. |
| I know that it has been terribly long since I updated this blog. what can I say, life gets in the way. A few things that have kept me busy away from here. For one, my kids. They seem to require more and more attention lately. Homework, tutorials, student council, football, braces, doctors visits, ER visits, and birthdays galore! we celebrated my 2nd daughter's 14th on th 2nd and my nephews 5th today and then my son's 11th is on Wednesday. The other thing that has kept my attention from my blog is that I have restarted my E-bay business! Hooray! After a year long break, I decided to break down and stop making excuses and just jump back into it. I had to start a new account until I can sort things out with my old one. I am a resale queen! I love resale and I show it E-bay. Particularly handbags. I can't believe what an abundance of perfectly good pre-owned bags there are out there to sell, and people are buying them up. I won't get rich selling $20.00 bags, but every dollar counts, right If you are looking for a great bag, you should check out my page at http://myworld.ebay.com/vividresale As I am putting these listings together, I was thinking about writing when it occurred to me that I was still writing. It takes some skill and talent to be able to put together a well written description with vivid details. I felt better about it once I convinced myself that I can practice writing and run auctions at the same time. The last thing that has kept me so busy is a decision that I am coming close to making. in my attempts to tackle my hearing loss and overcome that obstacle, I was told that I am a candidate for a cochlear implant surgery. This is a big deal and has many benefits I have spent endless hours on Google reading testimonials and complaints, I even watched a live surgery take place. The technology is amazing, but I don't know if I am ready to take that step just ye. You see, I have some pretty good residual hearing, maybe not on paper, but I know what I can and can't hear and with this surgery, I would lose whatever natural hearing I do have and replace it with digital artificial hearing. The implant works with an antennae which is attached to a processor that is worn behind the ear, much like a hearing aid. The antenna is also wired to a magnet which attaches itself to the implant under your skin behind the ear. when I took off the processor, I would be in a silent world. This scares the daylights out of me. The doctors tell me that I am loosing my hearing rapidly and it won't be long before I am in that silent world anyway, so what is the loss I'm not sure, but it is a hard decision to make. I think I would prefer to just wear a good set of aids for now until I can't hear at all, then have the surgery. It has been so consuming and exhausting. So, there you have it. Just trying to keep it all together, in real life and on WDC and Ebay as well. One of these days I'll learn not to overload myself, but then what would I do with all that free time? |
| After eight-teen years of marriage I can say with all certainty that I know when my husband is about to blow his top and as of late, we were due. The day to day of rut of getting four kids back-to-school along with his daily battle with a disabling back problem, the stress level had risen to the top of the chart, and it was up to me to cool him off. Lately he had been depressed, irritable, angry. Not at all the guy I fell for. He was so overwhelmed by it all, he was forgetting to enjoy what he had. So, tonight I asked him out on a date. Just the two of us somewhere you wouldn't find children. He accepted (he's so smart like that) and I rushed to get the kids home from school so that we could start our evening early. (after all, it is a school night) I told the kids that we were going out and the only reason they should call my cell phone is to tell me that 911 is on the way. In other words, if they can't help you, neither could I. A quick hop in the shower and slip into something black and skinny, something that reminds him of my old rock-and-roll me and how young and fun we were, a dab of red to tease my lips and a bit of the perfume that makes him stop and sniff at the nape of my neck. Bam! Ready. he was waiting for me by the backdoor where we kissed the youngest good-bye, assuring her that her big sister would take care of her, and made our way to the car. We decided on a drink at a local pub that we had never visited, you know, try something new. It couldn't have been more perfect for him. All his favorite beers and plenty he had never heard of. They served a cheese plate with his favorite Irish cheddar. The savignon Blanc was fabu and well worth the price. We laughed at the drunk guys at the bar as the bartender told them stupid jokes. We talked about this and that and the other. We shared some onion rings and then some flourless chocolate cake .(don't ask, it was to die for) When it was time to leave I noticed that I was leaving with a different guy than the one I walked in with. The guy I was leaving with was fun, he was laughing, smiling, happy, sexy. This was the guy I fell in love with all those years ago. Date night was a blast and i hope to make it a weekly routine. After tonight, I want to keep this guy around a while longer.  |
Everyone has their cross to bear, right? Well mine is a haearing loss that I have lived with all of my life. As a small child, seven or so, this discovery was made possible by a second grade school teacher and her weely spelling tests. Though I would study words all week long, every Friday I would bring home a big X on my paper. My mother would call the teacher to find out why she marked "dog" wrong on my test when it was indeed spelled correctly...the teacher's reply, "The word was log, ma'am." This spawned an entire year of hearing and neurological testing, only to come to the conclusion that there was really no expanation or cure for the problem. They put me in hearing aids, which in 1977 were not yet socialy acceptable on a school playground among children. Needless to say it caused a bit of isolation and dissasociation from most of my classmates. Though hearing aids helped to amplify the sound of what I couldn't hear, but they also amplified what I could, cancelling out any benefit and giving me killer headaches. I learned to live with it. I got by in school. I didn't need to hear to read, or write. That was easy. Keeping up with notes in a lecture hall, that was another story. As I got older and became financially responsilbe for myeslf, I couldn't afford to upgrade and replace those hearing aids for many, many years. When I finally did, it was amazing how much difference there was. I had found a new me. I new confidence, a freedom from an invisible leash that had been holding me back, unkowingly. I was living a new life and it was taken away by a LhapsoPoo. You know, a dog, a little, white, furry, yappy thing with sharp teeth that like to chew on small plastic objects. In about ten seconds, that dog took my entire life. As I pulled the mangled plastic and micoro wires from his crooked little teeth, I started to cry. I hated that dog, but kept him spite of it for a while longer...then gave him up for adoption. I went on, got used to it again...not hearing, not knowing what is going on all around me. I went back to relying on my husband and children to interpret everything for me, I never thoght I would have the oprotunity to hear like that again. That is until last week. I made an apointment for my daughter with an ENT for a hearing test...upon leaving the Dr.'s, I made one for myself too. the audioligist told me about a program that she thoguth could help me in more ways that I ever thgouht possible. It was bitter-sweet. The audioligist went over my hearing tests with me, she described the rate of decrease in my hearing loss as severe and was very surprized by how well I get by without assistance. I apparently have an overactive brain that assimilates sounds very rapidly, the sounds I can hear. Then the words came from her mouth like dagers, "You are leagally deaf." This sounds horribe, doesn't it? but to me it meant an opprotunity. You see, meeting the criteria for this definition entitles me to tuition waivers for college, employment placement programs, assistive services and devices...hearing aids. I felt strange being so excited about a diagnosis that most people would be devistated by,. I looked at my husband as he wiped at a tear that had escaped my eye and I knew that I had made the rght decision to see that doctor and do something to change my life. So, now it appears that I can finally go back to college and get that degree, but I have no idea what to do now that I am all grown up There are so many choices, and so many things I would enjoy doing, but where is the money? Afterall, the motivation behind it a is money. My family needs the security and I will be able to finally give it to them, if I do it right. If I pick the right thing. What an amazingly difficult decision is this? I have to make a sound one. |
| Wow, so this week I have so many tasks and items to create. I must start the newsletter for September, Complete my first draft article submission to Shadows, write a form poem for the PDG class, create a contest for them as well. I have a Super Raffle and Auction starting on the 1st and the WDC mom merit badge contest ending then as well. I have a new group to help promote as a leader, the crusaders, I have entered several contests whch are ending soon, I am always so excted to see who wins. I have been more active in Noticing Newbies, and sent out welcome notes to a few of them and invited them to look at some good groups. I hope that they enjoy the site. I have done some reviews and will be doing more. I hope to get the MOMs group a bit more exciting. I need to come up with another contest. Something big! Well that is enough to keep me going for a while. I will try to this blog more updated, a challenge I face. |
| So, today I sent all of my little fishes back to school. I have four kids in four different schools, this means a lot of driving to and from. As I stopped in front of my daughter's high school this morning time all hit me at once. I have been taking kids to school for eleven years now. They grow up too fast. I know all parents have said this at one time or another, but it is so true. sometimes I feel like tey don't even need me anymore, especially the 16 year old. I mean, they need me to cook their meals and wash their clothes and give them rides, but not for any of the important stuff. They have it all figured out. I miss the days of when they relied upon me for everything. Now they are independent and so sure that they can handle everything on their own. I remember being a teenager and feeling the same way. I also remember being a young adult and realizing that I didn't know a damn thing. as a matter of fact, I just grew up last week!  When do I have to let go? Why? I am loosing control and don't like it. I am a control freak, and this is not working. Even my four year old sho ust started pre-K tells me she "can do it myeself" about just about everything. Ok, so then what am I here for? Why? What is left now, be here to catch the when they fall? To clean up their messes and get them out of trouble? I guess for now that will just have to do. but I am not happy about it. It is so hard to let your child become independent. I am so afraid of the screwing up. but, I guess I don't have a choice, they are growing and I am getting older.  Hold on for one more day....... |
| So I have begun putting together ideas for the article/column I am writing for "shadows" e-zine. I am excited about this adventure and am hoping it leads me to a full time freelancing hobby. This will be the first seriously organized and thought out piece I have written in such a long time. Unlike poetry, artiles need to be engaging and informative. Poems just need ot make you think and wonder, "huh?" I am going to have to put together some surveys or polls to get some statistics on specifics. I plan on using an easy tone and friendly voice with a hint of sarcasim and wit. I want to appeal to my readers as a friend and advisor. This should be very enlightening and give me a good idea as to the work that goes into freelance artilce writing. I hope you all check out the article in shadow upon release. FROM THE MIND OF THE ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Do you know someone who deserves a merit badge? Nominate someone with your writing today!
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so yesterday I was honored with a prefered author promotion. How surprised I was when I opened my email to see the message from The StoryMistress   congratulating me. I was certainly humbled. For months I wondered what one must do to have such an honor bestowed upon them and I still don't know. All I can say is Thank you Shen I first joined this site, I set a few short and long term goals. The short term goals were things like "learn WRITING ML" "Join groups","start a blog"...The long term goals were to "start a group for MOMs," " become a prefered author" ," get publshed". So I can scratch a few of those off my list and concentrate on the getting published part. Thanks to this recent promotion, I feel like I can actually do it. So while I get used to my new color, I am also taking my writing goals to a higher level. I now feel that my writing has merit and that many enjoy reading it, so I am going to write more, submit more and read more. I feel so refreshed and optimistic...I think I need to write a poem about it.  FROM THE MIND OF THE ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Do you know someone who deserves a merit badge? Nominate someone with your writing today!
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| "August and everything after" is the title of an album by "The Black Crows". They are a band that we were listening to during our first pregnancy in 1993. Most fittingly, she was born in August and everthing after seemed to change. This time of year is what our family calls our "Crazy time". From August to January we are packed and stacked with birthdays, anniversaries, school events, football practice, on top of all the regular calandar holidays such as Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, New-Years. Whew, I'm exhausted just thinkng about all that has to and will be done. This all starts on August 23rd, when my four chidren will continue their education by returning to school. My youngest daughter will be starting her first year and my oldest will be a sophmore in H.S. (God help me). Only days later, on August 26th, we celebrate that daughter, Ashley's 16th birthday. From there we will get rolling with school activities and sports during the month of September and celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday ,then straight into October, When daughter number two turns 14 on the 2nd, followed by my nephew turning 5 on the 7th and then my son has his 11th on the 3th, oh and wait...we need costumes for the 31st! November hosts my birthday, which I share with my younger brother on the 10th, and my darling husband, Sean  turns 40 on the 13th. Our oldest nephew will be 21 on the 21st and then Thanksgiving shall commence.We all know what is coming next...the holiday shopping season. But for us our calendar is still full. Football playoffs, semester exams, college night, My sister's birthday comes December 2nd on top of all the holiday school performances, parties, and events. Right after the holidays, on the 27th we celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary and get ready for the New-Year, when finaly, my plate won't be full. And through all of this hustle and bustle, I will continue my quest. I will keep writing in this blog and recording my thoughts, working on projects here at WDC, and of course writing poems, I will continue to do. I will make time for all of these things and never neglect a one. No matter how busy my life gets right now, I will always find time to write somehow. |
| So after two weeks in the new house, still no internet. I was thinking yesterday while writing in my notebook about how we ever managed to get anything done without it. Things as simple as writing. I have had much less productive writing time with my pencil than I did with my computer. Somehow, just knowing that I am connected to the web, gives me the encouragement I need to get my thoughts out. Writing is only one example of sacrafice living off line. Ican't seem to get anything done! with back to school around the corner, I normally would be shopping for uniforms and supplies, registering kids for classes, renewing memberships and setting appointments. I suppose I could call to make appointments and I could actualy go to the stores and compare prices for things I need to buy, you know, like in the old days. But what fun is there in that? And the time. What about the time? I do miss my internet connection. It is really more of a life connection for me. Without it I am lost and alone. I think of all the things I could be doing and working on and get so flustered when my time is up onthe computer at my local library, or I can't take the smell of starbucks anymore and have to leave their network. I dream of theday when I can sit jn bed at night and type out my day's adventures on my laptop. I can search the world for whatever I need and find something new everyday. Oh for the day of connection. Until then, I wait. |
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