I'm doing it again, looking towards a fresh start on the road to throwing it all out there. I want this road to be paved with meaning and intensity. The way I try to do everything. I'll lighten it up along the way, but not too much. Complacency is not what I have ever done; I think I have tried for "complacent" in recent years and have failed spectacularly. So this new beginning?
I'm stripping off the mask.
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Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
-Billy Joel
Poignant and touching. I empathise with your thoughts and feelings. No matter the cause of death, guilt is always part of grieving, but don't blame yourself as none of us have much control over mortality.
Having lost both my parents and my husband in the space of seven years, death is a regular visitor to my thoughts. Sometimes I feel terrified at being alone, facing the end before too long, other times I feel it could be a blessed relief and the spirit world does exist.
Ultimately, none of us know anything and though it's very difficult, one day at a time sweet Jesus is all we can do.
I am shocked too, despite not living in the US. I cannot understand what group of Americans would vote this way and fear they will regret it very soon. Only time will see what effect this result will have around the world, but I see nothing but problems.
To be quite frank, to care deeply is to never be free. I am so hard wired to care about others needs and wants, that I will sacrifice any time I have for someone else. I am so hard wired, that I actually take pleasure in this. I joke all the time that I have fulfilled my life's calling-to be a responsible adult. I've been practicing since I was 3 years old.
I know this sounds silly, but maybe...maybe you can put on the ol' troop leader hat again, this time for Olivia, and come up with all kinds of fun, crazy, exciting ways to lead those girls. Heaven knows, that's what's keeping me together right now. All of my ideas, suggestions, etc., I let the girls know, and with their work and my help, they come to fruition, and then I feel like I'm making a difference in someone's life. It's not being an actual teacher, but I actually kinda like this better.
To be even more frank, even if I DID have time to just do whatever I want to do (which I sorta kinda do...), I'd still choose to do something for someone(s) else. I guess I'm just hard wired that way.
Be free while raising Olivia...do it differently than your own 3 kids. That is what I have learned in my 68 years. You are frustrated sure...but hey, frustration is a part of life, a VERY large part. Go with the flow.
I'm much older and feel very much the same way despite not raising a child. (just a kitten) My favourite line in music is John Lennon's 'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.' Maybe this is the way it is meant to be regardless of how frustrated we feel. Have you ever had a rare day with some spare time and suddenly those plans don't seem so appealing? I know I have.
I have wanted to write a book for most of my life. I fear I never will now, but ultimately people are what life is about and the family and friends we care for and who care about us matter more than anything else. As another WDC member often says to me 'You are exactly where you are meant to be.' Your loving heart has raised three lovely girls and now I see the smiles on Olivia's face and know you are giving her a great start in life.
Life is all about changes and this too shall pass as they say. Some of us don't seem to be able to do things for ourselves when we care so much for others. That's no bad thing in this world so be proud.
Friends... drift? Yeah. Been thinking about that. Saw someone I admire at market on Saturday. He's back! But... it won't be the same. We've drifted apart and that's okay. He was there for a reason. I have to accept that.
Other friends I'm more attached to. One returns this week. And... well... that won't be the same either but we are closer.
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