I think you have a great story here with Aunt Fanny...
-I'd like to know more about the meeting, the beginning. It's okay to "cut" to another scene in a story, but this one felt abrupt. I blinked and said, "huh?" I think you could use another paragraph or two about the church visit. It's a common "rule of thumb" in the short story business: show vs tell. Show is always better.
-Along the same vein, let us-your readers-discern that you became "the best of friends." If you tell us the conclusion before the meat of the story, what's our motivation to continue reading?
-I'd very much like to "see" more of these people. What does the protagonist look like? Does she have a streak of gray in her hair? Is there a way you can allude to her age as opposed to Aunt Fanny's without actually telling us? What does Aunt Fanny walk in? Was it running attire or something different? All these things could serve to bring us more into the story, helping to invest us "in the moment."
-I think it would be great to find a more inventive title for your story. Could you think of somthing that has to do with your "Wonder Woman" theme? The title really needs to GRAB us and make us want to partake of the story within...
Is this story a memoir, as in something which has actually happened to you? Somehow alluding to that in your description could also entice us to take a look, then stay for a read! Memoirs can be entertaining pieces of another person's life. We are true voyeurs...we love taking a peek into another's closet of memories!
It's a story with great potential. Aunt Fanny deserves her walk in the sun...of fame!
Well written, seriously good premise in the world where we currently reside...
-I worked to picture Charlie, saw him in an Army uniform, tattered boots-remnants really-dragging along behind him as he kept upright but just barely...am I picturing him, correctly? I would have liked to "see" him through your eyes just a little more completely.
-The conclusion is plausable on a level...when the plane went down he was headed for home...I guess maybe I'd like to-and I know this might seem silly considering the story content-but I'd like to experience a more believable scenerio for how he'd be so close to home when he's supposed to be lost in the wilderness. Could he have crashed a car trying to get home? Maybe he was being escorted to his front door...I know the eliment of surprise is important in this tale, but there's that little piece of disbelieving me which says "really?" When the old man utters those words...
The opening line to this is AMAZING!!! Best beginning I've read yet! The title of your story also fit so nicely I could weep.
THANK YOU for entering my contest and supporting it the way you did. I so thoroughly enjoy your writing every time I have the privilage to read it!
I very much like your writing style-you have quite a voice!
-In this, I saw so much more than a short story. I saw a segment of a much longer story, a novel. There is much you can't explain to us in a short story that you COULD if you turn this into what it longs to become. Why did the person sitting at the table find such interest in the men with the book? Why was your protagonist there to begin with? Why did the book make him think about the mystical creatures of old?? SO MANY unanswered questions...in a short story, unanswered questions can be good, but too many of them take away from the story and make us feel like we've read a piece of something we didn't get a chance to read more of. We need more backstory to fully put ourselves into the moments and to fully understand exactly what's going on.
-For most of the story you were grammatically correct; I was impressed with your vocabulary and with your grasp of English rules for grammar...there are so many of them it gets hard to keep track! I did see a few places where you need to be careful of run-on sentences, those thoughts which bleed one-into-another. Here are two examples I found: As I looked through the restaurant from the bar towards the many tables of the restaurant guiding my eyes towards the door, and The men all seemed to be hiding their facial features and wearing these shroud or robe like black clothes, normally one would notice a long beard or rather rough features when looking at the local men here. Both of these sentences simply need to be broken up into TWO separate sentences and the issue will be solved.
THANK YOU for entering into my contest! I really like your writing style very much and look forward to reading more of your work.
I enjoyed so much of this tale! You took a carrot and made it quite sinister...I'll never look at my salad in quite the same way...at least the ones with carrots in them, doused in ranch dressing!
-i'd like to see you get more gradually into this man's story. Could we see him before the digging, perhaps the fist paragraph being left the way it is, then "glancing" into his morning before the carrot fiasco began? I think a more complete picture of who he was before his "descent" would give us more of the "creep-out" factor and put us more fully into his spiral from reality.
-I'd also like to "see" this man, get a description of him so I'll be able to picture him and his crazy world more clearly.
-The conclusion of your story didn't feel...conclusive. It's fine to leave us "hanging," but I didn't know exactly where he fell or why. Why would the ground shake? Did the carrots cause that?? To me it was the only part of your story I didn't believe. I know that sounds wierd, considering the content, ha ha, but that's how good your story is!
THANK YOU for entering my contest, for giving me a chance to read your work. I very much enjoyed it!
You have an easy and graceful writing style, your story flowed very nicely.
-I started to have some doubts about the realism of the story with your sentence, "we never fought." It's very plausible to have a positive relationship with a significant other, but NEVER fought? It's not believable if human nature is put into the mix. I'm sure Mother Theresa argued with people, once in a while! A more realistic sentence might be, "we seldom argued" or even "we never had a serious disagreement."
-I like the premise of your story, but I think it should be considerably more difficult for your protagonist to find the diary and box. She should be cleaning the back corner of the basement, an old, ancient one, before she finds the things she did. The pages of a diary that old would be brittle, yellow...she'd have to be incredibly careful so that they wouldn't fall apart. Same with pictures from the time period you describe.
-The same goes for the finding of information on this woman from the 19th century. I don't think she'd be able to just look under a name and find such comprehensive information. A little "poetic license" is okay when wiring a short story, but especially in this day-and-age, make sure you stay believable so we can fully enjoy the tale you are spinning. Give us a LITTLE more effort in her search before she uncovers the story...
-I'd like to "see" this lady whose story we're following. I didn't realize she was so elderly until you gave us her age halfway through the story. I'd been picturing someone just past middle age. Paint her for us so we can delve completely into her world.
THANK YOU for entering my contest, and please continue writing-I enjoyed your story.
I like the idea you have of writing this man's story as a journal. Good concept!
-I notice the difference in years; it's distracting and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. In the "May 23rd" entry you say it's been a few weeks, but the year skips from 2005 to 2006. Is there a reason for that? If there is, it's not clear. The second time the year skips is with your last entry. It would make sense that this would happen a couple of days after his debate with himself, not a YEAR and a couple of days...??
-With your last entry there is dialogue, which is not in keeping with the "journal-entry" premise you're using. Perhaps you could put the dialogue before the entry, italicizing it? It would make more sense, because very seldom does a person use dialogue in a journal entry. If they do, it doesn't look as clear/concise and wouldn't be easy to follow,
-I agree that your protagonist would most definately lament the consequences of his actions, but perhaps not quite as succinctly as he does. The situation he finds himself in would be life-changing, but perhaps he could come at his revelation in a less moralistic fashion. I just don't see the character you've developed being quite so easily moved into the moralistic person we see with the last few lines. Could his change be less of a 180, perhaps?
THANK YOU for entering my contest, and KEEP WRITING!
You definately have a way with dialogue; your word-choice is great, and your knowledge of grammar rules is evident. Good!
-There is a lot of gratuitous violence in this little piece. When a story moves into a violent mode, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as we have a REASON for it. Your story reads a lot like one of those teenage slasher movies. That, in itself, isn't a bad thing if it's what you're going for, but if you want more out of your story, you can do that, too.
-Give us some eyes into Justin's head. WHY would he do the things he's done? Where has he come from or what's motivating him inside his head to perform such unspeakable acts?? How would your protagonist be lured into his way of thinking at the end, that the same sort of violence perpetrated by HER would give her that kind of satisfaction?? There's a "mob mentality" kind of thinking which means a person can be spurred on to bad acts by being enveloped in the bad acts of another. Could you SHOW us more of that with Justin and Luna's interactions?
-I think someone in Luna's situation would be FAR more horrified by what's going on and WAAAY more terrified, upset, angry, and emotional about what happens to her. What you have going on, here, isn't cookie-cutter whodunit stuff. This is seriously edgy and we need to FEEL that from her. Give us more of what's going on inside BOTH their heads.
You have real talent. You have a solid writing style and at your young age that's AMAZING! Keep improving on those storytelling skills-really getting into motivations and "what makes people tick"-and you have a great future in writing! {e;delight}
As soon as I opened your story, I knew I was going to enjoy it. I am a great advocate of memoirs!
-I was caught in little Pat's journey as she worked so hard to gain the praiseful acceptance of her parents. I felt for her as only an adult can, wanting to sweep her onto my lap and explain to her that making a mistake is PERFECTLY okay!
-I'd like to "see" more of little Pat and her parents. What did they look like? Especially in little Pat's eyes? I'd like to know more about the time frame in which this scenerio unfolded. I want to be completely encased in the moment, and these small details could only help me understand Pat a little more, which I want to do! What did Pat's taunting brother look like? Was Pat the only one who dealt with this "perfection" issue in her family? There were six of you...I'm So curious...!
-In other words, ha ha, the word count is necessary for contest purposes, but it would be really great to see you expound on this story, develop it more. Your 10-yr-old experience could resonate with many of us, which makes a memoir that much more enjoyable!
I'd like to know if you've written more of these...I'll have to investigate! THANK YOU for entering my contest and giving me a great read!
You have the makings of a seriously good storyteller! I see so much in here that tells me as much; your writing style, you word usage, the story itself...you have the beginnings of something really intriging, disturbing, and interesting...
-I see some grammar issues from the start, mainly in your use of commas. Here's a rule-of-thumb I was told years ago that works quite well, actually: read the story aloud to yourself. If you naturally take a breath while you read, there might be need for a comma. If you don't, there's not. Also, it couldn't hurt to brush up on comma rules. You can do that by googling grammar and commas! Kind of a shortcut for the internet savvy, ha ha! There are rules to learn so you can break them and find your own unique style. It doesn't SOUND sensible, but it does work in the long run.
-This has a stream-of-consciousnmess feel to it which isn't a bad way to write at all-especially when you're delving into the mind of someone who is OUT of his, but we do need to be able to follow the story to a reasonable degree. This feels a lot like a rough draft, something started that, upon careful and multiple editings, will be a really golden story for you!
-the conclusion feels rushed. Here I'm going to employ the "show/tell" theory of writing. You TELL us about the drug he was taking, you TELL us what happened to him. SHOW us, instead. Take us into his mind and his world completely. Give us a glimpse, perhaps, of when this all started for him, when he first began to take the drug and what he was like. Walk us through his deterioration...perhaps even at the end. Find your way with this, but do work on the SHOWING of events leading up to the conclusion rather than TELLING. We want to be spectators for the WHOLE thing.
You really do have real promise as a provocative, interesting storyteller. I very much appreciate your entry in my contest and hope to read your work again very soon!
I found the title of this piece and its description intriguing enough to open it for a review, compliments of Showering Acts Of Joy.
You have a great character in Artoni. I wanted to know more about him from the beginning...
-You tell us a lot without letting us "see" his world. I'd like to be an observer of more...show us Naples-of-the-day instead of telling us what it was like. Let us be a part of a day-in-his-life, "seeing" his lady friend and being a part of his actions and activities. Allow us to get to know him by walking with him through his days-or even one day.
-I think this story would be more powerful if you left out observations of what's true, today, as opposed to what's true from then. Dive us into THAT time period without comparing it to ours. Really delve into Artorio's world so we can, too. We'll get the idea as you describe it. Let your reader do some of the work.
-I noticed some issues with commas, something very common amongst us writers. I had a great writing professor who once told me to read my work aloud to myself. If I didn't pause naturally to take a breath, then a comma was most likely not needed, there. This practice usually works pretty well. Some places where I noticed unnecessary commas: In the first paragraph-"standing, as one..." Comma not needed. Also in the second paragraph-"...and in such a magnificant way, that..." I'm sure you get my meaning by now.
Ha ha, I LOVED the name "Anabella Mozzerella"...Priceless! Many of your names did, of course, induce my hunger signals and make me want to visit the Olive Garden for lunch, tomorrow. *stomach rumble*
-Your story is gripping. My attention was held throughout, especially during the unmasking of the painting. Again, though, I would love to SEE more of what you describe at the end, the reason WHY Artroni did what he did. Let us be more "in the moment."
You are a great storyteller with really solid writing skills. Give us more "show" with this story and you'll be utterly AMAZING!
I like your descriptiveness! I'm a descriptive writer myself and very much appreciate others who are, as well. I could TASTE the apricot jam and the bitter coffee...made me want some coffee-way to go!
-The story is intriguing, Margaret is in interesting character...but I think you could do even more with her. I'd like to "see" more of her; what is she wearing? Is her house as tired as she is? Every single detail you give us could put us more into the moment. Could she, perhaps, "see" the recliner when it was newer and her husband was the one who sat in it? Could she look around the room and envision a brighter time in the past, then maybe jolt herself back into the depressing present? Sorry, but this showcases my enthusiasm for your story. You could do so much with this!!
-You could, perhaps, go back and expand on the plot of the story. She finds the cell phone but doesn't have one? She'd be completely floored to find something so foreign, wouldn't she? I didn't feel her surprise at this discovery. It's her routine to shuffle into the room where she finds it-she knew it wasn't there yesterday, then. She should be SHOCKED and we should FEEL it.
-The conclusion of your story is sweet, but expanding on it could give you layers beyond "sweet." Have you heard that age-old advice to writers about "show" over "tell?" It feels like we're missing a lot of what her husband said to her, so much of what must have been moving through her head. Let us into their moment-we want to be a part of it so the ending will mean even more to us.
What a beautiful tribute! I loved "seeing" this man in his simplicity, yet not...in his world surrounded by what was...
My only "grammatical" note would be about commas. You might want to take a look at their placement and whether you need them. I really like your way of writing and a lot of these "extras" work with your unique style, but you don't really need a comma at the end of a line to emphasize the rhyme-let the reader get it, that's the best way. Without those commas I think your words would flow a little better.
Wow. I truly enjoyed this journey through your protagonist's thought processes.
You had to tell us a lot in a such a short amount of time, with such a short amount of words--you did well! I was captivated by the story throughout and could "see" everything he envisioned. Really, really good work.
Grammatically speaking...you could use less "had"s. The word "had" is usually what someone means when they talk about "passive voice." I'm not afraid of passive voice like some teachers and literary critics because it has its place, but not really in your story. When you go back through it, you'll find that if you pull out those "had"s, your story will read the same but flow better. Give it a try... You might even want to keep a few but drop more-I also noticed only one spelling faux pas: the term is "itself," one word.
I think I can understand why this particular poem has been lacking in ratings/reviews...it's simply too good for these simplistic cyber walls. I know it's frustrating, but herin lies the truth...
I couldn't lock it into a poetic style but I'm not the most well-versed in that sort of thing...let me know if my eye simply misled me with that...
Doesn't matter, however. The style in which you wrote and the content are, in a word, magnificent. I was captured and held by your educated, worded style throughout, and felt like I learned something by the end. THANK YOU
I will have to read more of your work. I am captivated.
*First a comment about the way it comes up on wdc: go back to "edit", scroll down to the end of the page as it is now, and hit "delete" until you're up to the poem. The way it is now, it takes forever to get to the rating and comments
*I like the content of this poem; VERY refreshingly different from so many romantic/heartbreaking types. It IS a kind of soulsearching one, but it has a more lighthearted, yet important, message for those who read. Good work!
-Watch the commas. You have a few which are unecessary. Read this aloud to yourself...if the thought continues while you read without a break...you don't need a comma. The flow of any work with words should be natural, even in poetry. Let the rhyme scheme take care of itself. You don't need commas to show us where to look for them...we'll know.
You did a great job with a subject I enjoyed reading very much. THANK YOU!
The writing in this story is superb. I loved reading it just for the style alone...the story, however, was gripping, as well.
I'd love to be "brutal," as you request, but I'm not sure how to do that. The "critique" I can think of is to be careful of cliche`s...this tale smacked of a movie whose title escapes me, the one with Robin Williams. His wife is a painter, the plot a convuluted story about how she is, essentially, trapped in a painting of her own making...simply be careful of what's already been done...
You are an amazing writer with a great eye for detail. I love that I can't wait to read more of your work...
What a powerfully gripping subject, one with a timely, chilling message.
*You have a great subject matter, here. I think you could help it along with a few grammatical and stylistic changes:
-There are some places where you use commas that aren't needed. It's good to incorporate rhyme and rhythm even in a type of story poem like you have here, but you can't be a "slave" to it. Don't build your poem around the style and rhyme; build the style and rhyme around the poem. Don't worry about the rhyme scheme and punctuate according to THAT...puncuate according to the phrasing and sentence structure. Let the rhyme and rhythm take care of itself.
-A good rule for commas: read the poem aloud-where you take a pause, a natural break in the flow of what you're saying, that is probably where a comma belongs. Other than that, let the rhythm take care of itself.
You have an excellent beginning to a wonderful, thought-provoking story poem.
Of course you had me in a puddle of tears. How easily that could be ANY of our daughters slams home to me with great clarity. The strength you and your wife have shown through the most harrowing thing a parent could live through...you have my respect and my admiration.
And my thanks. Here I wrote with melancholy in my last blog entry; it took your most beautiful tribute to Renee and Coffee to remind me of what's important.
Renee is still with you, I have no doubt. And now, because of your writing ability, she's with me, too. Thank you once again.
You do a great job with dialogue, something I don't see enough when I review
-You wrote a lovely story, although it felt more like a drama than a romance. When you write in a specific genre, the element of that subject should be the primary focus; with this tale it was more about loss and what wasn't said or done...there's a good moral here about NOT leaving one's feelings unspoken, very good point.
-Your last line might need a minor tweak; I was tempted to break into the the "Annie" song, "You're never fully dressed without a smile..." It's a nice sentiment, but you probably don't want that song to be what's thought of in the context of this story.
-You wrote the dialogue so well I almost saw this as a play. Have you ever written one or considered it? I think you might have a knack for it!
I apologize for the looong delay in reviewing/judging for my "romance" contest. GPs are for the wait-
-It is indeed intriguing and the story itself is promising, but I think you narrate much of the story when you probably don't need to; let us discover through dialogue and action that your protagonist is ill, perhaps through a morning medication ritual or something similar.
-Why would he scream? The deed was already done, it felt like overreaction and out of character for someone who'd already made a choice about the situation. Sadness would certainly be enough, even tears. To make a later continuing relationship more believable, we should see remorse and even grief at what he's thought he's done. The same would be true for HER.
-The realization that she was in the same boat was interesting, but I think you need more development, here. They would both have to come to terms with what each of them might have done to each other. Whether it became a moot point or not, falling for someone who essentially put you in the path of a bullet would take TIME and much soul searching between the two of them.
-Your ending seemed almost eerily chipper for what just occured You might want to consider how someone who just lost a spouse, whether it was expected or not, would react.
I did like your different take on the idea of "romance," but this particular topic needs a lot of introspection I didn't see. Also, the disease has become somewhat managable in the last few years with medication. Far fewer numbers experience the full blown illness, and even fewer are actually dying, at least in THIS country. Be sure you research a subject like this before you write about it.
Enclosed gps are an apology for taking so long to review/judge my "romance" contest-
I do love your writing style! You gripped me from beginning to end with Val's story--
-The only thing I'm not completely sure of is the ending. Not that I think it has to be "happily ever after" by any means, but if feels very up-in-the-air; it didn't feel like a conclusion. It seems as though I'm hanging on a word cliff, waiting for the final drop indefinately...?
-Have you considered expanding on it? I'm still wondering about ol' Harold, the butt!
Thanks SO MUCH for entering my contest with this fun story that was a joy to read; I apologize for taking too long in reviewing/judging, and the gps are my tiny way of compensating.
I really like the tone of this story, with its whisper of wistfulness and nostalgia-
-I like your writing style as well; I was ready for some differing sentence structure and vocabulary!
-I do notice that you "tell" us so much of the story--it's good to let us in on past history so that we'll understand the motivations of these characters, but "showing" works to plunge us into the world you've created. You could give us some of their history, for example, by allowing them to dialogue about it when they meet at the bus stop. And flashbacks work well, too. Let us "see" George's wife, hear her break the news to him, watch her fading figure as he's forced to let go...allowing your readers to witness these events would lend power to them, get us truly involved in their lives.
-I'd also like to get a clear idea of what these people look like; sharing what YOU see them wear, what their eyes look like, their overall physical appearance...you do this a little, but more would help us really get to know them and picture them accurately.
I really like the plotline you created, here! If you expand on the characterization of these people it will be, in my opinion, very publishable Good luck!!!
And sorry for the delay in reviewing/judging for my "romance" contest. Thanks for entering and gps are for the wait.
This was such a moving story, probably more so because I'm a parent and couldn't imagine how I'd react in a similar situation.
-You do a lot of "tell" instead of "show." Hank gives us the background story almost all the way through. I'd like to "see" more of what he tells, perhaps as a flash back, or even a back-and-forth between Hank now and then; we'd feel so much more a part of the story that way.
-Dialogue would help along the way to explain his return as well, maybe coming into contact with others who haven't seen him in all those years-townspeople, neighbors...? The story would really solidify with an addition or two involving the reactions of others.
You came up with such a wonderfully touching story--thank you for sharing it.
And apologies for such a late response to your entry in my "romance" contest, which I am finally reviewing/judging! Enclosed GPs are a further apology.
You packed an awful lot of story into a small amount of space...
-From a high school graduation in the opening scene to a college graduation...I see the "full circle" element of it, but this is no short story. It's more of a synopsis for a much longer novel-type story.
-You "tell" us so much without giving us a chance to plunge into the world of these people. It's difficult to feel connected to them when it feels like we're being told about past events from a distance, almost like a letter to a distant cousin. To really put us into the lives of these people, we have to BE there, not simply be told about what happened.
-So much happens in so little time...it seems very rushed and your writing style suffers as a result. I liked your beginning story, both your style and the story itself, but then it seemed to turn into almost a different story, then even another different one...by the end I felt that I had run through a maze of happenings that didn't seem connected.
SLOW DOWN the telling of this story! Give us details, dialogue, and moments when the characters interact that last long enough for us to invest in them and their relationships. You DO have storytelling talent and a solid writing style, just give us some time to enjoy them
Thanks for entering my "romance" contest, and apologies for taking FOREVER to review/judge. GPs are a "sorry"
I'm currently reviewing/judging my "romance" contest--yes, I'm the world's most HUMONGOUS procrastinator--but your entry isn't a short story; however, I read your very short play--but it's not really a romance, either. It's actually a drama with an element of "lost love," although not nearly enough affection to label it anywhere NEAR a romance.
Just a few comments:
-There's certainly nothing wrong with being "real" and "believable" with your writing, but be careful of being TOO real. Your characters should sound and act like the setting from which they originate, but you must also connect with the reader/audience. Try to cut back a little on the slang and expand on your vocabulary; you'll be surprised at the rising interest in your writing.
-If you really want to write plays, start reading books written by the experts who have done it for years. They'll teach you, in a book, more about playwriting than you can figure out for yourself. Community centers and colleges sometimes have classes about playwriting too--those are fun because you sometimes get to read and act out the plays your write!
Good luck with your writing, but be sure that the next contest you enter is the RIGHT one for your work.
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Many of your names did, of course, induce my hunger signals and make me want to visit the Olive Garden for lunch, tomorrow. *stomach rumble*
You might want to consider how someone who just lost a spouse, whether it was expected or not, would react.