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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| I'm breathing. I'm looking for which way is forward, finding something that I've been meaning to do for a while. Stuff keeps getting in the way. We decided to move about a year ago. Prepared to move: got to the new destination in June. Apartment was designed to be temporary. With the loss of all my fitness jobs and the adult contact I had every day, I started falling into the darkness. Bought the house in September - moved in November. (shaved my head at the end of August. Tempest cried. Dogert loved it. Dilbert yelled at me and hated it.) Sadly it's over the months that I finally started taking care of me. I started PT and a chiro and I took Tempest to a massage therapist. I had a long way to go. About a week after I moved into the house- I hit a deer. Also, Wisconsin is the state that hits the most deer per year. Figures.  Two weeks later (yeah, that sounds like me) I went to Urgent Care over that deer accident. (The week before I'd taken tempest over a possible broken arm, and the next day I took Dogbert for a possible knee injury. Ugh) And The day I took Tempest was my birthday too. Thanksgiving my mom was more herself, but by December she stopped driving. January was where i started noticing, at least in hindsight, that things were changing. I didn't know that was a lot of the things about her beginning that death spiral, not at a the time. She wouldn't let me visit for January and part of February. When she let me back in, I was there as much as I could. I'm glad I did that, but I do wonder what might have been different if I had been there more earlier. She went to Hospice on the first of March. Many times this year she talked about what she looked forward to, and what she wanted to be alive for (the latest of them were summer). Her Celebration of Life (Memorial) will be in about two weeks (the 24th). I got it livestreamed for some of those who wouldn't be able to get there. It is hard to focus on that. I want to text her or call her about every day. I know that's normal, but it hurts. I've returned to my list lifestyle, trying to remind myself to be here and now and not be stuck. I haven't gotten a job since I moved to Madison, and I really do need something for myself. I do have two part-time online jobs, and I'm grateful for that structure. Unfortunately I've been seeing too many doctors but I'm getting to where I need fewer of them. Today Dilbert and Dogbert are both under the weather. So I got into my office and I'm doing my thing. I need to get out and do the yoga and tai chi and PT, because movement helps. I wrote exactly one day in March. April I've completed 7 but I haven't written yet today. Plus I was editing yesterday, too. I can't say I have a lot of headspace, still. I did take my meds back down and I'm working on my focus on small things. P.S. Anyone like tarot cards? I'm thinking about hanging a sign to read them for others. |
| Ha. Funny my last post was about not having headspace. I asked the doc to up my meds. I've been crying. I've been off. Everything is hard. The only good thing is I'm writing again - but I'm messing up like everything else. Wish me luck. If I can survive until we move into the new house... |
| Sometimes, people take up a lot of headspace, even when you don't interact with them much. Dilbert labels these interactions as "well, you can tell they've never been in business" which is probably his way of dismission personal struggles between people. But I'm thinking about this. So - Rascal, I think, of R&D was texting me today. For a service on Monday. I started it- but she brought up that I had blocked her on facebook so she wasn't sure whether she was allowed to contact me at all. And after some urging from Dilbert, I didn't put the part that I thought: That I didn't pretend to be a friend on failbook because we had stopped being friends and it hurt to watch things scroll by. But then I wondered- I have different things that stick in my brain. Sometimes, it is pieces like that facebook memory that had a 90 year old woman doing yoga (and full splits, even) where she mentioned that prayer was talking but meditation was listening, and it is very important to listen. That left an impact that I didn't remember from back when I first saw that. Meditation is listening. And my mom told me today to listen to my intuition, because when you don't you miss out on things. Mom's not doing well. Like. Not well. One doc gave her six months, last month. Okay, maybe two separate unrelated doctors ... It's been a big blow, a big struggle to figure out what to do with that. I'm still not over it. I recognize the signs of grief in me, (s)Dad, and mostly Mom. |
| My grandfathered status at 750words.com has come into question. I'm really not excited about this, when I can find on their FAQ this: ★ Does it cost money to use this site? For people who joined the site after June 2013, the site costs $5 after a free 30 day trial. For the first 3 years of this site's existence, 750 Words was free for everyone. However, as it has grown, the cost of maintaining the servers and responding to support requests has grown. Rather than close the site down, we decided to require a small monthly subscription ($5) after a 30 day free trial. All 200,000 people who signed up before that switch over were grandfathered into lifetime free accounts, as thanks for their use and patronage over the years. (Breathing) I feel so far behind on so many things at the moment, and I don't need one more. The kids started google classroom stuff today, sort of, and it's more of a headache than I appreciate. I did get to run out to the chiropractor, which I hope will help the migraines and jaw-clenching. Cross your fingers for me. |
| Second day in a row at 750words.com where it allows me to type but saves NOTHING. It's so odd for a virtual platform to fail in a time when we're doing everything virtually. I don't know what else to do with things, but I'm saving my words. Today I'm thinking nursery rhymes. Microfiction is coming up for me, too, and at least I'm writing. Still thinking about where to share that with readers. Any advice? |
| Prozac. It's not working yet? I'm still exhausted. Still wondering why I am here. Still just plodding along and hoping something's going to change. Still envisioning darkness overtaking me. My daughter finished antibiotics for UTI. She's been doing better than Wednesday. I had too many things going on last week, and I can't keep up. I feel like it'a all flashing by. So it is Monday. And i will probably feel better after teaching the two classes that are the end of my morning. Endorphins help a little. Still doing that laser, and just added the prozac last week. How do you know it's not worth it to keep taking all these measures because you're not feeling better yet? How much of a struggle until you stop struggling so hard? I didn't work on my book that I was going to try to edit before Fridayish. I didn't work on my critiques that are definitely due Friday. There's snow coming, and I can't handle the changes in plans that requires. I'm just so tired. |
| Sigh. Today I took Dogbert to his doctor appointment (during recess and lunch. he was mad - i promised not to do it again if I could help it.). We were there to talk about his meds, and he's doing pretty well. The hardest part about his medication is he's academically reaching all the benchmarks and then some, and his behavior is better than his classmates so he's not the problem by far. But he's got a terrible bunch of kids in his grade, the teachers tell me, and they're no longer allowed to discipline them the way they used to (like even when Dogbert was in Kindergarten). That makes it a lot harder for me to say anything. But he's regularly rewarded for being able to do things better than his classmates and being a role model. Who am I to argue with that? But I expect a lot from my kids. I want them to be the best they can be, not just better than their classmates. And if there are classmates better- that's wonderful. I just worry about the lowered threshold for behaviors, and how much it is burning out those teachers, and what it's going to be like when they are older. I also made the first appointment for Tempest to talk to her doctor (same doc) about her own attention issues. To which the doctor replied she'd been noticing those behaviors since Tempest was in preschool and that it was good to get help for it. I'm glad I have such an ally in the kids' doctor. She's helpful and she struggles with the same thing in her son. (Her daughter isn't old enough to know yet.) She also talked about how and why it's so often overlooked in girls. Plus Tempest is very intelligent so she's been able to compensate so far. Then i think, yeah, I did that. About a week before Tempest's appointment, I'll have my own appointment with a doc (in the same clinic) to talk about my own list of issues - including the ADD/ADHD thing. Also bipolar and anxiety. And a few other things that are going on a list (stabbing pain in the left ear!) so I don't forget them. I know how much Dogbert's Rx is, because I switched pharmacies to get $60 off per month. I'm not looking forward to tripling it, but on the other hand, wouldn't it be better to be functional and focused? I stopped to write this blog post- I've been eating lunch, going through my closet, and writing a crit for ICON (due end of October). That's pretty much my thing, to try a few different things and see if I can make progress on them. Taking on more makes it easier, because just one thing isn't enough to occupy my brain and I get sidetracked. A lot. Easily. All the time. |
| Anxiety makes everything a harder struggle than maybe it ought to be. The laser is supposed to make this better. I'm exhausted and I want to sleep- because the sleep has been so hard to get lately that I'm losing executive function. Tempest has nightmares. Dilbert accidentally woke me and then decided it was a good time to talk despite me yelling at him that it wakes me up more... I don't know if he learned his lesson but no one disturbed me for 9+ hours. The sleep wasn't great but it was a start. Part of it is that looming ICON deadline- October 1st. And a looming anthology deadline, also around October 1st, for which most of these I haven't written much. I'm terrible at grounding something in a current time and place. I'm terrible at a lot of things. I'm also trying to knit a hat. Because knitting is easier than breaking my brain over writing while the sleep thing isn't working. October is also my first religious services meeting to learn to do sermons. Because my brain thinks that's a great idea - to talk to a bunch of people who already don't understand or agree with me. I finished reading White Fragility, and I am stunned at the overwhelming arrogance of the author. She pushes it off as her racism, but damn. No. It's something she would have done no matter who the recipient was. She didn't see the arrogance. But then my brain plays tricks on me, because I wasn't like 'all the other americans' according to the Persia and Swede when we were hanging around in preschool. They always thought of me as more European. Is that the American Arrogance, and then wrapped into racism? I'm twisting that around. And unfortunately, one girlfriend might take this as an excuse to not read the damn book, and she's the one who always cries to get people to comfort her. She did at at the lunch I complained about this book at. Then second friend tells me not to confront when I'm severely sleep deprived. She's right but it also must be done. So many books to read that won't make me so angry. |
| I have DnD at my house tomorrow. With a new group I created. We've been playing since January. I had asked 8 people originally, and all of them said yes in time. The DnD drama at my table was one dude, who was in love with me, acted manipulatively and kept it all inside. Scary, to a point, where he's finding time with me outside of anyone else being there even though I don't at all try to be alone with him. I don't, anymore. He left the group. He said one day we're not friends (back in May) and gave no reasons. And, I'm perfectly fine without that. It's been more peaceful at my table since he's gone. The crew consists of two guys from Tai Chi (DM is S, other is D), one guy I used to play Shadowrun with (he's a pathfinder guy but he's been a RPG dude forever and he's fun - K), one guy from that old DnD group (the only one worth being friends with Y), and two from my church game night (A and P). A moved back with her husband in Chicago, but yay she stayed with us. Y and K joined us as the obsessed guy exited, and the transition wasn't horrible. Poor S is trying to make sure we have enough bad guys, and he's doing a great job. Everything is in LEGO and it's the best thing. I love playing with this group. I love that we're not drama-laden anymore. And I enjoy the game we're playing. (Even though I'm a cleric. It's not the best but it's not the worst. I'm glad I chose something different than the fighter I played in Shadowrun but I'm also becoming a War Priest in the prestige classes for DnD3.5ish that we're playing. Ish because we're using combat rules from AdvDnd version 2.) Basically I haven't been around for the summer, or longer. It's been a pretty rough year. I lost a friend and my father-in-law in June. Both my parents had surgery in July. (mom was nothing, dad had prostate cancer and exploded intestine into colostomy bag. he'll have surgery again in November to reattach everything.) My sister-in-law had breast cancer in August. She's through the worst of it now and changing her lifestyle for the better. (I hear one good recommended book from a doctor is Undo It.) We also had a man disappear on the farm as well as a neighbor across the street breaking into my home. Not to mention church drama that's become a congregational crisis. On the bright side- I got to visit my cousin in Montana. This was probably the single best ten days of the summer, despite face-planting my phone in the pavement and having to deal with Dilbert during that time. (We were hungry! It was dinnertime, not buy a new phone and activate it time!) My writer's group is about to finish my book, the Creature's Path. I'm terrified I ended the book wrong. I'm terrified to start changing it without knowing what they think of the end. I'm just... really stuck at the moment and I hope it's going to go well. 3 more meetings- and they'll finish just in time for me to NaNo book 2. No, it's not a good decision, and yes, I'm going to do it anyway. I'm also two weeks away from my ICON deadline without much idea of what's happening there. I need an up to 5k submission, and I need to figure out what the heck those words are.  My church game night crew is changing, and growing, and I'm liking all those lovely people. It's something to look forward to, and I need that. The best part is i don't have to clean my house for that! At some point this summer I finally woke up to how very politicized so many of the people at my church are. In some ways this is good- we care about who's elected. And in some ways it's bad- because there are big issues that we don't actually get better at changing ourselves and looking inward, just pointing fingers at other people. I've been struggling out of a pretty deep depression. I'm getting through something, but it's hard to mark the progress sometimes. I lost a friend for a while, and he apologized for his depression (Smiles). And of course when he went radio silent again I worried he was mad at me again. It's my damn asshole brain. And while the laser has kept me out of the darkest of the pits, I do wonder at times whether I need other things to help me out. Like medicine. Like an actual neurological test to figure out what these issues are and what I can do to keep them in check. Because it's been a beast lately, and I'm struggling on a level that's not truly functional for a time period that's pretty unacceptable. Plus, it's not exactly a walk in the park to have the brain literally working against me at every turn. I've been knitting a lot. It's calming. It won't get my writing done, but I suppose I have to win back my brain first. I have a bunch of new friends, and a bunch from that current list are not really relevant, so I guess I'll update that. I've also been missing from this blog a ton, and my own promotional stuff almost completely. Also, I quit the studio. It was time. I had anxiety about the owner, and the person who made all the staff decisions that made it a place where I want to work left to start her own place. Originally I was supposed to go with her, but we're not there yet. We'll see how it goes. She's busy as hell, starting a studio, and that's hard for me to digest. I'm on my own for now, with a lovely Saturday class that's slowly maybe going to gain traction, back at the elementary school on Thursdays with some enthusiasm from those teachers, and a Monday night class at a church I don't attend but is a decent earner. I still work at the Y, and also the local old folks home. One of them, anyway. I haven't figured out how I never learned to make dinner. I'm always hungry and I don't know what to make unless there's something semi-together in the freezer. It's weird. I've also been reaching for a lot of hard books lately - finished radical acceptance but not able to get through much of White Fragility without getting mad about how people have treated my mother, and many of my other family members. Let's not forget how racist and homophobic my (step)dad's family was and is, and how they wrote my dad out of the will. It was subtle and manipulative and damnit- the way they demonized my mother it really most likely on her skin tone. My dad thought that it would be okay if he adopted me, but I didn't want in that damn family. Not in any way. There are so many things that are awful about it, and I just couldn't. Wouldn't. I don't think it would have mattered. I'm my mother's daughter. They would have done anything they could to make sure I didn't inherit. They're that devoted to this notion that my mother is bad. They're dead wrong. It should never be a relief to not have family holidays anymore. And yet, it was with them. It's hard to bring about that family on my husband's side- my in-laws have exactly two. I'm not ready to be an elder. But with both my parents facing potentially serious issues this summer. I've almost lost mom twice already. But she seems the strongest at this point, and that's scary. Also, my parents are separated. Dad lives on the farm, and Mom bought a treehouse in town. It's not an actual tree house, but that's what she calls it. Today was the auction for my FIL's stuff. We got the play by play from my SIL, who was there. It's been a good thing overall and at least we're all staying close so far. We're pretty dedicated to staying that way, so I'm glad. |
| Tempest is excited about puberty. I mean, okay, she just turned 10. They're about to have that talk about bodies changing in a few weeks at public school. I promised to talk to her about these things, even though I doubt she's going to go through it for a long time. I was nearly 15, and she's a gymnast. She's always been the tiniest girl in her class. I can start to tell a couple of girls she knows are close. My friend did call to talk about her daughter being needed to be prepped for it- who is six months younger. But they're a family who starts sooner than we do. Mom's words to me when I told her I got my period? "Already?" Uhm, yeah. I was the last one in my class to get it. I wish we wouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up, because then the slow years go faster and the fast years fly by and we're old before we know what old really is. I keep telling people I'm young though i'm still sore from Wednesday night Fight Club and I added to that carrying a friend's 54 lb box from her mother to her apartment. Who thinks it's a great idea to pack a bunch of china in a huge box and send it IN THE MAIL with only a bit of bubble wrap to protect it? She (the mom) is lucky that only almost half of it broke. Plus she only asked for the cuckoo clock. I told her she'd better only pack clothes in that box when she moves. I'm feeling like I've lost my way somewhere. I'm trying to find a new path, and creating new paths isn't easy. I've reached tipping points- things that just have to change or it won't get anywhere. I'm attempting to learn to edit all those words I've poured out that need to be shared. It's going to be interesting. Far more interesting than talking to my daughter about puberty. |
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