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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| I wish i had someone to talk to right now. Out loud. But i don't... The dnd group has successfully (i suppose) reformed without me. I'm trying not to take this as the personal attack it seems to be. I mean, the guy literally tanked his game to not play with me, was seriously rude when i asked questions, and then managed to get them all to do it while i have been gone on vacation. The girls came tonight to play hp. They say he says he's fine seeing me socially but not to game. I told them that was a lie. He stopped speaking to me before the game, adding to an impossible level of anxiety for me. Then he called it a temper tantrum. I had a panic attack. Not right then, it was later. So are they really sticking up for me? Am i better off without the lot of them? The thought of gaming with him makes me miserable, so at least i don't to do that anymore. But I'm still sad they choose him. They did try to be up front that he created a new chat. I've tried really hard not to read after i left the old one. I have a feeling there's nothing good in there. I suppose i should go throw them out of my Google drive. I think i ought to block that dude. And unfriend on fb. Too rash? |
| So, the 23 yr old in my DnD Group decided to go with the idea that I had a "temper tantrum' instead of a panic attack six weeks ago. (possibly seven, but timing isn't the issue here) And he did his best to uninvite me from the group because of this, and he's been very sneaky about it and I'm not sure anyone noticed. Until Thursday, when I asked. Because he'd finally posted about it in the forum, and not while I was traveling. I asked questions. First one was "i don't understand. I heard DnD was dead." He said it can be. After posting about he bought a campaign and would anyone want to play. So then I continued with the "I don't understand. I feel disconnected from this group and I haven't heard anything. So what's going on (I said something else, this isn't quite a direct quote)" Second part, thrown in because I only impulsively thought it "Unles you didn't mean to invite me." (To play) Which is when he said that was exactly what he weas doing, since my temper tantrum. I am still unbelievably pissed. I shouldn't need a fucking doctor's note to prove I had a panic attack. Two of them in the group are supporting me. But I accused that kid of toxic masculinity, possibly confusing another guy in the group, but at this point I'm not going back into that chat. The other word that comes to mind: Gaslighting. And I think if I had stayed to read whatever else they said yesterday after I left, we would've had mansplaining for the evil trifecta of everything wrong with entitled white males. So i asked my female friend who had been part of the group. I'm not going to play because of this. I think it'll be agony for me to sit with him that many hours. I'm kinda relieved I have another way out.. But why would you want to play with this guy. It's not like we couldn't play elsewhere. And she said she had to give that some thought, because she doesn't even want her new guy in her life to meet that dude. |
| 11 months... A lot happened. 1. I had the surgery. I did a ton of rehab. I continued to make my ankle stronger since, and it might be stronger than the other one. 2. Two belts higher in krav, but i've all but given up on kali in the meantime. 3. Started playing DnD with some krav buddies... And lately I'm wondering if that's the right game for me. I miss some of the mechanics from Shadowrun, and I miss the people from shadowrun, and - well - there's just a lot here. 4. Published in an anthology, Abandoned Places. 5. Working on an edit of Creature's Path, and attempting to stay focused. 6. Focusing on writing group this year has changed my group a ton. And it's put me in a different position as a leader. 7. Dilbert bought a bike, and for a while it had made me really happy that he was bicycling outside. Sometimes with kids. Sometimes with all of us. But the weather's changing. We'll see how it goes. He did buy pants for cooler weather. 8. Someone I thought was a friend became troublesome when she pushed me off a mental cliff in July. July fucking sucked. Then I learned a cold laser treatment can push me out of depression or a mixed state in a matter of hours. HOURS! Without the annoying side effects of medication, nor the longer turnaround time. I'm in love. 9. I need a new plan for next summer, because what I'm doing really isn't working. 10. I must have been feeling the need to stir pots lately, because I did the mandatory Y meeting last night and I told the new branch exec how many things at his branch made it unwelcome for my children and how that's changed my relationship with the Y. He listened. I don't know what might change, but I put it out there. Then I invited a yoga teacher to a studio where she used to work and didn't necessary see eye to eye with the boss. It's friendship month, though, and I don't see her. I don't know why I did that, though. {e:shrug} She doesn't have to go. Generally, I've felt a shift this month. Like I'd been cruising along, and suddenly a lot of things aren't working for me. the DnD group has been lighting up my paranoia buttons, and I finally figured out why on Saturday. Now I'm working to put up boundaries in order to not let that go again. ICON rocked. If you're my friend on FB, you can see my sparkle dress with tiara - literally the most sparkly I have ever been in my life. Also, the least intimidated. I had a panic attack shortly after the binder was printed, but by the time I read it I reminded myself I had earned my place among them. (The panic attack was also connected to the DnD crew, one more reason I'm letting go of the group mostly) It had a book party for Abandoned Places, and we signed books. Reconnected with a bunch of people that I've been silent with since last ICON and figuring out I broke that damn ankle. I'm allowing new friends to come in as the older friends are drifting into different pockets. I think I'm going to be okay, and I think I'm going to figure out where I am on this writing thing. Except I thought I could just rewrite my short story, and then oops, it happened to be dragged out with cleaning for a party I had Saturday night, which also went really well. First time I've kicked Dilbert out of his little unfinished room of storage with all the other adults to go watch the kids. (Another dad got kicked out, too) but damnit, they were playing CAH and one other mom and i were the only ones left upstairs. No one was circulating, just hiding from the kids. So, i can do that, too. School also changed, to 8:00 to 2:50, a 25 min difference from last year. Gymnastics M and W from 4-6, and Tumbling R 6-7, plus Dance M 5-6 (on the other side of the river, too). Writer's group on Monday plus krav M W R (but not on writer's group Mondays. I had to quit book club pretty much, too. My Monday-Tuesday schedule is grueling, and then it isn't as bad the rest of the week. Game night at the church every other Friday, and I go nearly every Sunday plus the Pagan Festivals. Dilb goes with me to all the church stuff, and he even went with the kids when I was at ICON. We both actually joined the church, too, so we're official UUs and my kids love it there. I can think of worse things to have accomplished in a year. |
| 1. Scheduled for surgery Dec 28 2. Signed Dogbert up for a new dance class. 3. Dogbert struggles terribly with Kindergarten. Working on all the possible strategies to help him focus and do his work. I just don't know. But I also said I'd volunteer in his class tomorrow. He has lunch at 10:50. No wonder he's starving when I pick him up at 2:25. 4. Trying to get all the gifts together. I feel like we ought to send a card somewhere to people. I'd choose another holiday, but it's gotten late. Ugh. 5. the church and the yoga studio are both doing solstice events on the same day. Make it difficult to celebrate with all my friends.... 6. and that book deadline is coming. At least - 7. Dilbert leaves for India for two weeks on Friday. 8. I need to schedule subs for after surgery, because I will be non-weight-bearing on the right leg for a month. 9. I'm missing krav and kali for those two weeks that Dilbert is gone, which stinks, but at least I have time for the book. It needs it. Ugh. |
| Ugh. I made it through thanksgiving. But i feel like someone's reporting really fake numbers in the sprint forum, and the lack of honesty is irritating. So today I haven't sprinted, mostly because of family obligations, and I have mostly managed to get my Duolingo Swedish finished. I did get my 750 words. My ankle is broken, so I can't do much but write. And the problem is, when I look at the numbers in the forum, many of us are fairly static. If we can do 1800 words, we do that. If we can only do 800 words, we do that. But while there are fluctuations, most of us are not changing. These trendlines are flat. So what do you do when someone's trendline is far from flat? That it is so far from the norm that it feels like three different writers- one for the first ten days, one for the second ten, and still another for what's been left of the latter part of this month? And that this writer only matches history from the first ten days when compared to previous years? I find out more on Monday about the ankle. It's only been broken since June. Dilbert's going to India for two weeks and I need to have my novel done by solstice. I just can't focus on it. I haven't looked at anything else for a bit. I need more sleep. |
| Something's shifted in my head, and perhaps it's just because I'm overwhelmed. Dilbert is gone again. Second week in a row, for a couple of days. He'll be back tomorrow. This is just the point where I'm catching this crap that's rolling around. (not in order it happened, but in the order I noticed that it's a problem) 1. I wrote poetry. 2. Feeling futility about the get-together that I wanted to put together but now I'm obsessing because I can't play the game I want and everyone else volunteered to bring the only food I'm good at making first. (leaving me with vegetables? I don't even know what to do with vegetables.) 3. Looking at the words I'd left off mid-sentence earlier in the day and going, why are you even trying. It sucks. The kids take longer and longer to put to bed by myself. I *Just* got Dogbert to bed again and I hear him sniffling and he just wants to sleep with me. I'm not motivated to do anything right now. Work at the Y? Questionable. Work for the martial arts dude? Meh. Do this book? Two days ago I have ALL THE MOTIVATION and today it drained out like the bathtub water. What does it matter what game we play if we're at least getting together? Why am I telling myself to call and say I can't go? Mom's coming to watch my kids Saturday so I can do yoga, but I just don't know that I want to do that, either. I wanted to get on top of things before DIlbert got back. Because you KNOW how he is. He's offering to take those lularoe things that i had in piles downstairs (some with tags) and take them to goodwill. Damnit, I spent too damn much on them to not at least try to sell them again. He only wants the tax deduction for the stupid stuff, and I need to come to grips with the money I'm never going to see. LIke he wants me to stop the PO Box. Because .... why do I have to get mail somewhere else? Especially if I can't write erotica. Because I have no sex drive and no sexual interest. Yea. you just try to write a sex scene that way. (he didn't say the last part out loud, that's just me. He wants me to have interest and drive, but really, he doesn't actually do anything to help it so he can shut up.) Dogbert also reminded me I promised to have lunch with both my kids at school tomorrow. Because tomorrow's the only day I can manage, and it's book fair week. And it's lunch with your kindergartener again next Monday and I can never go Mondays because now I have two classes at the Y and I can only get a sub for one of them and his 20 minute lunch period is smack in the middle of my time there. Today I listened to a man talk about Vegas, since he recently moved from there. He knew people who had been hurt. He just needed to talk, so I let him. I plied him with a couple questions when he might have gone silent, and he seemed to appreciate that. Introduced himself at the end. Decent fellow, but that's a hard part of moving. You can still be connected to where you were from and not be able to grieve properly. Then I cried in the car for no good reason. Just stupid poetry and feeling so [insert a word between lost and empty]. I did tai chi twice today, but I threaten the kids within inches of anything to stay there. It's not really worth it. I shouldn't be so selfish as to try to do these things for myself when I'm alone with them, especially knowing they have to stay with me and not be in an age-appropriate environment because none of that is friendly toward my children at the Y. I think I forgot to get the forum during my timespan, because I'm stupid that way and my mother was here and it's a crazy day. I don't know why I'm bothering to prep a book that I shouldn't even bother writing. Who needs a sequel to AofS when the stupid thing is out of print? At least I should really check and see if it is out of print. It's not gelling anyway. (or is that the despair talking?) How the hell am I supposed to pull enough badass out of me to go take my test for yellow belt tomorrow? while Mom was here I worked hard and i folded all the stupid laundry and then Tempest plopped down on the couch and it all rolled off.  There's just no point to any of it at all. |
| Sometimes, I still have to deal with my parents saying "But aren't you glad we pushed you to go into engineering?" The subject came up because I was amazing in art class. My teacher wanted me to major in art. And then my mother snidely comments, but at least you could feed yourself as an engineer. And she referenced my dad's comment about my golden arm. When I'm not trying to save someone's feelings, no - I'm not sure I'm glad about that. I can do it, but my mental health suffers. There's no telling where that other path may have led me, whether it was words or art or teaching or something I hadn't ever considered. I'm still having second thoughts about the class at the martial arts place, and I think I have reasons why. I appreciate a new mentor-friend, and I need to listen to whatever's coming out just now. I went to yoga nidra and for the second time I'm not sure how the connections are going, but it leaves me quiet and introspective. There are about four things floating within my head and at some point they're going to drop out. I ordered the pilates package I needed, and it'll arrive next week. Mostly read through the submissions for ICON - then I'll just have to comment on them. Dilbert's gone next week.While it plays havoc with my schedule- good riddance. I don't know if I'll make it to krav, then, but I have a babysitter lined up for yoga both Monday and Saturday. |
| Learning to relax and to facilitate yogic sleep has knocked me out. Something's stirring, and it's going to break loose one of these days. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L00P7XS Isn't this a beauty? I need to stop doing retail therapy. Maybe. |
Sometimes it is hard to visualize my schedule, and with as snoopy as Dilbert has been lately (back to opening my mail? Asking whether or not i "need" my PO box? telling me i need to leave ID, etc in the car at my parent's house when we go to the football game because he doesn't like my purse?) I refuse to put it anywhere he's likely to run across it - like my google calendar.  So starting here. I might end up with a Storm calendar on google because I could put it on my phone but he doesn't have access to it. Me? Paranoid? You know you can be paranoid and they can be out to get you... Kids at school: Leave house at 7 - but this often gets later if they're not ready... Return to house by 730. Leave house at 2 for pickup (1 on Wednesdays) School ends 2:25 (1:25 W) and during good weather we play on the playground before going home except Mondays. Return home 3:15 (2:15 W). Unless a playdate is planned... Monday: 8:15-9:15 yoga (projected to start in October in East Moline) Guessing I'd be gone from 745 and go directly to the Y afterward. 10:15-11 PiYo (B'dorf Y) 11:10-12 Silver Sneakers Circuit (B'dorf Y) New class for me but I've subbed for it before and my boss is burned out a bit. Giving her a break through the school year and she promised to fill in for me if I needed it. 4:30-6 Gymnastics for Tempest (Milan) Leave at 4, Dilb picks up kids and they return at 630ish and I go directly to yoga. 6:30-7:30 Yoga (independent, downtown D'port) Other activity 8-late: Writer's Group, Book Club, used to try to throw yoga in but the studio moved too far away from my class, and the kali option is just late. Tuesday: 9-10 Yoga (West Y) Technically I have to end this class early for the drive over to the other Y. And I often still start that class a bit late. 10:30-11:15 Silver Sneakers Yoga (B'dorf Y) 11:20-12 Tai Chi for Parkinson's (B'dorf Y) - But I only teach this once a month. Shooting for last Tuesday of the month. 4-4:45 Swimming (september only so far. Twice a week class and it is overwhelming at the moment and we haven't gone yet) 8:15-9:30 Krav Maga (usually starts closer to 830) I stretch after, and generally leave by 10, home around 10:15 or 10:20. Ish. Wednesday: 8:15-9:15 yoga (East Moline) 11:15-12:15 tai chi 8:15-9:30 Kali (usually home around 10) Dance? Looking at 4-4:45 Thursday 9-10 Yoga (West Y) 4-4:45 Swimming 8:15-9:30 Krav Maga Friday I try to attend 9-10 yoga downtown at studio 6-8 Game night at church Saturday 9-10 yoga (B'dorf studio) Sunday 9ish kids' program for "our whole lives" like sex ed and then with homework to talk to parents 10-11 Church + Religious Education for kiddos After we socialize... . 5:30-6:30 ?New Tai Chi Advanced (every other Sunday at South Park Mall) Weekdays I try to get everyone up around 6:15, even though I'm in bed and not yet asleep around 11pm midweek. That Monday evening time frame seems like a great one to exploit for editing, etc, since I'll no longer be able to do most of my activities. Writer's Group that I originally started with a couple years ago is changing their hours from 5:30 to 7:45 to be at the library, but that won't work for me. Ever. Between Milan gymnastics and then my other class, I couldn't even get to the library before it closed. We have a splinter group, but they've now cemented the writer's group to the first and third Mondays, and the other group is on the alternating Mondays, though I should ask them because it seems like that would not conflict if we didn't even start until 8pm, and half of us can't go to the other group now. I'll have to talk to them at some point in the near future about that, or even switching days. Every day i should be practicing: tai chi, yoga, kali, krav maga. I do not. I'm attempting to change that, but it's a slow process. Part of it is grounding myself in what I can and cannot do. I'm also looking at how i throw in housework and writing duties- like my 750 words and all the reading for ICON. |
| So, krav is going decently. However, the sprained ankle is still bothering me a bit for kicks. It has been seven weeks and change, and I'm simply done with dealing with it. I tape it, and I soaked it once this week. Other than that, I'm trying not to let it hold me back. I taught the class last night. The teacher handed me the clipboard and he didn't take it back. My class, he said. He bit his tongue twice, and while they had suggestions - I don't think the class was a train wreck. Turns out I had a migraine, too, though not a terrible one. (I threw up when I got home.  ) Both my teacher and the owner talked how to get better, and I appreciate it. Then he talked more about me possibly teaching, and how much do I need for salary, and what that means for how many numbers he needs to pull in for the thing. No subs, no alternatives, as a subcontractor style. I've been holding it in, but then I told Dilbert. He doesn't like how far it is away. Why don't I spend more time writing? Partly it's because I don't spend the time writing. Or I do, seasonally, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything for good progress forward. Until last month when I actually made a good effort to edit daily. And then came Game of Thrones, which I joined on a lark with two friends who are no longer playing (one is a sub, one is a stark). That hasn't worked out so well for me, momentum wise. However, this will change again in two weeks when the kids are in school. It'll also change my Y schedule now that I won't be teaching Wednesday nights, either. Oh? Didn't tell you that? The unpleasant woman who ran Y Pals is gone (she had many other duties including dance, tumbling, and the pool) - and she didn't care that she sabotaged Y Pals along with it. Her last week, no one was signed up in the evenings and no one was scheduled afterward. And the woman who stepped in temporarily (they guess until midSeptember) is not going to be changing that. So, I mention this to the director of the branch (my supervisor was gone that day), and she had three things to say: 1. eight year olds are welcome to roam the branch unsupervised by the Y. 2. This is a member service, not a staff babysitting program, and 3. haha, i don't make more than i pay out in child care, either. If she was my boss, I would have quit then and there, all five classes. I had a sub for last Wednesday, and I only popped in at the end to say hello and that we'd only have class one more week. My mother will have the kids, so that won't be a problem. One of the members said her oldest would turn 8 soon, and I told her to fill out comment cards about this needed program. That's what I told all of them. It won't save the class, but it should bring the program back when someone stable goes into the job. Speaking of which, I know that it took 3 supervisors for my position before we got one who stayed (okay, she's only been there 8 months, and the first one was there about 10 months, but current one seems much more likely to make it). And my supervisor listened while I explained all of that, and she had said she would look into options from a short text/email exchange. She found no options. She's sad, but she was also happy I didn't quit straight off. She knows that I'm very valuable to the Y, even if the Y doesn't. If you're curious, for me to pay a babysitter to continue teaching this class is out at least $10 every single week, after salary, taxes, and gas... It doesn't make sense. So this other possibility of working within a small, family-run company of people I like and respect, seems like a good idea. The studio is also fine, but I need to advertise my class better. Which I have known and simply not done. Ugh. And my other class? Thriving, at least. I prefer it when word of mouth speaks for me. I need to work through that. Also, I picked a fight with one of my krav buddies during kali (stick fighting). I was the only female fighter that night, and while we're often in the minority I'm not the only one as often. He called all of his male partners 'ma'am.' And i asked him what he was saying about that - because he's insulting ME with that. He's saying I am not a good fighter because I am the one who is normally called ma'am. I'm not sure I got through to him yet. Which I mentioned to both the teachers after they critiqued me for the krav class. And also that I didn't like that other little guy that had been bothering me so much (the one who prayed over my ankle) in his first days. I still don't like him, but I'm polite and I don't engage him as much as I can do without becoming a target. They don't like him either! My krav teacher was like, yeah. And the owner said no one likes him. So that is nice enough, at least I'm not alone in this, and I hear the kid is going away soon. I can deal with that. But I want to teach there. I want to be around these people, even though many of their views are different than mine. I still feel part of it there. Am I wrong to want that? |
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