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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| Trying to create a list. It's feeling like so much is going on. So many things to do, to attempt... and I feel like I'm failing. But a friend gave me something. It's just a keychain, stamped with two words: Word Warrior. but that reminded me that i know where my strength lies, and I know how to combat my issues. Write it down. Make it work. It's going to take paper and pens and all kinds of mental maneuvering. She wanted me to be kind. I will live up to that as much as I can. There's no reason to attack. I simply need to persuade and to be exacting with the facts. I will be up to this challenge. Both with the political things and throwing it into my fiction. |
| I keep reading. I keep thinking. I keep listening. And Rascal tells me that many women are suffering PTSD from this election. http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/basics/symptoms_of_ptsd.asp Huh. No surprise. And I read one (to be linked later) about the Culture Wars and how the Christofascists have been preparing through homeschooling for years. Like, long enough they can vote and they are also linked to the Tea Party. They've been organized and planning for their shot for a long time- not Trump but Pence. That takes even longer for me to sink in. Not Trump but Pence. PENCE?! The man who let HIV and AIDS run rampant through Indiana to wipe out the gays? Yes, that answered the question. That man, that is their goal, and who they've been waiting for. My heart is sick and my head hurts. Though I had a bit of a bad karma coming to me from watching the Joy of Knitting go down on FB. |
| I've been working on learning Swedish. It's probably been more than a year since I started, but I had been taking breaks. Most recently, I pulled it up on October and I have worked nearly every day since. Currently on a 31 day streak, and while I miss a day here and there, it's progressing. My daughter wants to learn Spanish, so I had set her up on her tablet for it, but she doesn't respond well to it, and she doesn't do it often enough to make it stick. Currently thinking about other ways to engage her linguistically. So I picked up Spanish after she asked me to read her a book in Spanish (Nochebuena) sometime after christmas. Why is that funny? It isn't. The funny part is the sentences that Duolingo puts together. For a while, I smiled every time "She looks like a moose." came across my screen. I am not certain if this is something that they programmed in to be funny or if it's something people in Sweden might say. More research will happen to ascertain this. Second seriously funny line: Why is there a Norwegian architect lying in my bed? Because you know we're all asking ourselves this question. There's a story there but it hasn't come out yet. That happened last week, I think. Last night: The nineties called and wants its shirt back.  I have a notebook that I am working to create a journal of sorts of my Swedish (and Spanish) learnings. I didn't write those sentences down, though that's what I ought to do- create a funnies page of what makes me just wonder what the heck they were thinking. However, today I did write two sentences down. They came one after the other, and in light of last weekend's protest and the backlash, they set me thinking again: 1. We are trying to seize the day. 2. You do not need to agree. That last one sticks with me. With talk of echo chambers and the expansion of safe spaces to be where people are not forced to face opposing or even in any way expanding ideas, where do we teach people it is okay to disagree and still be friends? That it is okay to have different opinions based on one set of overall facts and work together? That one idea might be more important and that leads you in a different direction than it would lead me. Sorry, I strayed from amusement- but it does seem like the idea that everyone needs to agree and have similar opinions is stifling. Last bit to go back to funny: literal translation "seventeen also" becomes Darn it or confound it. I have GOT to figure out how that happened! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| For Saturday's yoga class - I made 2.6x my usual rate. Plus I only had 9 people to adjust instead of 40 from the previous Saturday I taught. I haven't had less than 17 on a Saturday in months. One of my friends saw the log in the studio and called to congratulate me, and also to see if I wouldn't mind helping her rebrand her class. Of course I agree. but it's also good to remember why I might intimidate some of my former fellow trainees- because I was already a good teacher, and now I'm becoming better. I was nervous for class, but I feel great. The only person I knew was my namesake, and it's nice to have such a fun crowd. I hope they return. I'm only sure that two will. But that's the trouble at the studio, too. So I'm considering what I'll do next week, and I'm hoping I can sway them to stay with me. I get paid by the head at the studio. And 5 is enough for me to keep it on a regular basis in my mind. It's enough to at least pay the sitter if Dilb has to be gone. I am ecstatic for 9. Monday class has been going strong, not connected with either Y or studio. I brought two new people to class. And I have invited a couple others. Several people have asked for a not-Y connected class, and several more have been asking for one at my church. I haven't taken on a new class yet. But I can't say it won't happen. Still 5 classes at the Y. Dilbert's working on his recovery. the kids have been pretty good. Dogbert loves everything connected with an O and he asked if he was going to school today and when i said yes he said yay. She likes to laugh but she feels pressure to be a good girl. It's tough. I don't want her to always be such a pleaser. I'm tired. I have several story ideas and blog posts running through but most of them can't stick at the moment. It's too much. I need to take some time out and do more yoga. Just to breathe. Just to not think. Studying Swedish and Spanish so far this year. So fun. Gymnastics overheard a woman speaking about the inauguration: Well, i didn't watch it because, you know, i was busy. But did you hear his speech? It was so... And her. she looked so ... when she spoke. (The other woman supplied genuine). Yes. Genuine! Like she meant each word. And him, too. You know, what they said about Obama. I didn't vote for him 8 years ago because I didn't like what he did for Illinois and I didn't want him in charge of all 50 states, and they told us to get over it. so they should get over it. And all of the media does fake news. Such a problem. The woman next to me sighed. I have had decent conversations with that speaker before. I tried to keep my mind on the editing. The arts are important, too, even if the new president might have other ideas. |
| Surgery went okay. Dilbert isn't quite driving me crazy. Plus I slept until 8 the last two days. I've really needed the sleep. Added Spanish to what I'm trying to keep up with on Duolingo (as well as Swedish). Took the placement test, and I really don't know a lot. However, it's the improvement that matters. AND Tempest may have started asking me to read spanish books to her in the evening, and I am going to be trying to mangle them less than I did the last one. She really wants to learn Spanish, so I have to figure out how to help teach her. I missed Dogbert's birthday yesterday. He had a blast with my mother, though, and I am very thankful I can count on her to do these things.  A few months, even a year ago, she would not have been healthy enough to manage them this long. (And she's only a year older than Carrie Fisher!)Remembered my yoga flyer, so I'm going to put it up at the studio this morning. I've been researching a lot about self defense and martial arts. I want a martial art, but I need self defense. So I'm joining Kuk Sool Won next month, I believe, and I am looking into Krav Maga, and I'm most likely going to buy a couple in-depth books about self defense. There are also a couple seminars about it that a friend has recommended. Dilbert brought up politics again, and he shut me down again, and he apologized but he still didn't get it. So I tried to explain Trump as the vision of an abuser - that even looking at that man shakes up all kinds of memories from me that I'd thought I'd gotten over, that I hadn't really remembered, and that the man makes me unsafe because he's the most powerful man in the nation, because he's the one who is supposed to be role model. I also corrected Dilbert from calling Trump a man with an ego to a narcissist. That one he couldn't refute. I still don't think Dilbert gets it. He's too much of a narcissist himself. And that pains me, too. But he can't accuse me of only seeing the leftist side without also recognizing that he is only spouting the rightist side. Things he says that I have no way to change him: "Organic only means they use petroleum for pesticide, because petroleum is organic." "There was a movement in the 70s called global cooling, and that was disproved, too." (About climate change) Crap, I'd found another one but I don't remember it. But I've heard these things for years. I have to remind myself over and over that the science is there. That these things he says aren't true. He has just been reading a different version, a changed version, for years. Of course Republicans can't believe in climate change because they push the big oil. But I don't want to get harassed every time I buy something organic, even if that one time it was on accident. I suppose I should be glad he hasn't bought into the anti-vax malarkey. He didn't have a damn thing to say when I told him neither Trump nor Pence cared a whit about mental health. And somehow I completely forgot my account birthday. Ten years on WDC. Just wow. |
| I wish I was paid every single time I said that word. Anyway - Still getting my weekend together for Dilbert to recover from surgery. Completely bummed at missing my son's fifth birthday BUT glad that he and Tempest will be at my mother's and not subject to the whiny 40 year old. Still also considering hiring a sitter for just Dilbert when I teach Happy Hour Friday night at the studio. The 40 people who came to my class Saturday were stunned to heartbroken that I'm leaving that class. I wish I could've given them something more permanent- like so and so was definitely taking over for me, but I didn't have that information. I did go armed with a simplified flyer for my NEW class at the studio - same time, same day, slightly different place - only 3 blocks down. And the class pretty much went to complain at the front desk en masse. I feel simultaneously beloved and worthless - because I can explain that monetarily the Y would have been out exactly $2 per week to give me the extra 15 min I needed to stay there. But the bitch in charge of Y pals isn't interested in any classes I teach. The hiccup lately is I've spent a lot of time on that flyer, and I've been trying to make it prettier. I've had ideas for this class already. I'm not sure I'm the best person to teach what I want to teach, but then - I just need to work my ass off to make it happen. And I'm putting out word of mouth. Flyers in the hands of my class. Talked about it to book club, and one of them already participates in one of my classes. She's interested in joining another class of mine, as is another guy from book club. So. Win. A girl on FB asked details about time and seems familiar with the studio. Change is hard. I also brainstormed a part of an article for my namesake in my yoga training. She's been stuck. And she wordsmithed my flyer. I've missed having that connection, and I've set my intention for the year (it's not s resolution. She's writing the article on the difference) to slough off negativity and surround myself with those who care. That intention led me to quit the Y on Saturdays. But it also led me to contact my namesake other half, and a few other yoga people, and some neglected friends along with distancing only a bit more from S's and G's mothers. I'm still looking for how to put it into practice, but I stop and think when people are involved. And that moment of stop - think - evaluate - contact or not is helping. I'm not sure I have enough categories, but this is definitely a start. Nine days in: I've seen several people on the new list- R&D were one, texting Persia a lot, and i need a new bunch of identities for the rest. Enough. Time to sleep, but it's been great for my stressed-out mood. |
I have a spectacular bruise up and down my shin from what I'll call The Shopping Cart Incident. My son may have been involved but there is no lingering evidence on him. Four days later my leg is still killing me. When I work at the Y I depend on their childcare. When I hire a babysitter it is for $10 an hour and that's apparently the going rate for a good one. To be gone to a yoga class at the Bettendorf Y (where the current trouble resides), it is about 1.5 hours. Child Watch has become increasingly a place that Dogbert feels is not good- he is being bullied again. (2 out of the last 3 times he has been in there.) Y Pals was my option, since one of my babysitters - i met her at the Y - made an exception for him because of his age. with the new year, the Saturday Y-Pals doesn't start until 9am, the exact same time my class starts. There isn't an option to make it later, and when I asked about it being mostly my kids in there (like many times the staff say my kids are the ONLY kids in there) the supervisor over that part said the hours are being changed to accommodate the children who show up. Isn't that crystal clear? So I resigned my Saturday class this morning. And now i'm wondering- what about Wednesday night? What about when summer comes? The same woman involved with Y-Pals is also in charge of the dance and tumbling programs (which we're no longer involved in) as well as swimming lessons (kids are signed up for january) AND kids night out (which my kids absolutely love). I'm struggling with whether I need to pull them out of all of these programs or if I should see if this woman will show she has it out for them (ME)? I don't want to put my kids in danger. But I also don't want to quit the Y completely. There's a chance my friend - the head of silver sneakers - will be my next supervisor. She's volunteered to allow me to keep my kids in her office no matter what if they're there in the mornings. But she values my contribution to her program and she respects that I work hard for all my classes. That's why we can be friends. The response to my resignation was "can you ask one of your subs to replace you?" SO not my job, but it isn't her job after the 13th, either. On the flip side, this has given me the impetus to ask for that class at Bettendorf studio. I've wanted one, but I haven't said- hey, can i teach x and y time? And the response was 'when do you want to start?' Dilbert's even on board with this change. I just have to wrap my emotions around it, because it's thrown me for a loop. I love the class. But they can follow me if they wish. Or they can see whatever instructor can stomach the Y and their "family friendly" environment. As for resolutions - I'm stealing this from a facebook meme: peace, love, light, and a little go fuck yourself. Dilbert's surgery scheduled 12 Jan. Dogbert birthday 13 Jan Start at the studio 21 Jan I have reached out to friends this week. Wrote a recommendation letter for Doc. Texted Dogbert's preschool friends' moms, and I'm feeling seriously disconnected from S's mom and G's mom. What's the point, then? S is in another school district and I pretty much only see her at the Y. Like today, when I told the Child Watch supervisor why I was leaving saturdays and why, and without putting any blame because i know there are way too many children and even the good ones miss things. I don't harbor her ill will at all. The Y pals supervisor is another thing - I hope karma gets her. I have lunch plans with yoga people Thursday and Friday and that'll be good to catch up. I couldn't sleep last night. My mother read my blog post today- the one about being bipolar. And she said I was brave. And I love her for it. Mom's awesome. I hope someday Tempest and Dogbert feel the same about me. |
| Ugh. So... yeah, I seem to have mashed chapters 1, 2, and 3 into special parts and made them not work together. I don't know if I can sort them all out. SO much for writing it better this time. I don't even know if I"m making progress. Which stinks. I need to make this thing into a novel - and i need to have it go fly out there and be in the world. It all leads back into one direction: I don't feel like I'm making a difference right now. I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel like I'm an entity in the world. And it's sucking all the energy out of me. I hate the christmas holiday. It's clearer and clearer every year that it isn't worth the trouble it causes to get everything together. I had to schedule the holidays with the in-laws twice already, and the second time was only because Dilbert didn't like when I scheduled it after mentioning that I had to schedule it with his sister. Because it's "impossible" to make it home before 10:30, and the day he wanted to do it was the ONLY DAY that his sister was doing something, and we left xmas eve open because my mother always wants to do xmas eve. (Plus i have to work at the Y. Grrr.) Did I mention I made it there by 7am on Black Friday with both kids in tow? That we're always up for HOURS with his dad, who often naps in the chair, before we can finally leave because Dilbert manages to get himself out of bed?  So mom doesn't even want xmas eve this year, and when i said that we had it "oh, no, you don't want to do all the xmas in three days? The kids need to have time between it." UGH. No. Just let me get it the hell over with. How does she not get that it's only obligation that makes me celebrate it? I'd let it go if I could, even the damn shopping, if I could weasel out of the entire holiday. Did I mention I hate it? So today was the youth service, and Tempest was supposed to sing. So I mentioned it that we had to be there by 930, and Dilbert says, no, she hasn't been to other practices. Even though we were all ready, and then Tempest says she only wanted to play with play-dough during the service. And so she didn't go. And her name was listed in the choir, and I remembered they've been practicing instead of other religious education for a couple weeks, so of course she would have been fine -if-we-had-shown-up. And it upset me, that Dilbert can completely derail me that way, that I had it in mind that she had to be there, and then he presents it in a way that makes me question what I knew about the situation. And I realize today, just now, writing this: He's gaslighting me. He might not even mean to, but the way he attacks the ideas I present, that Tempest presents, conflict with the idea that he's open to disagreement. The way he questions these things you start to wonder if that was true. And when you do remember you still question because he's adamant that she hadn't been to practice. And this is the way he attacks all of the things. So I'm often questioning myself. Not always, but enough. Like how I refuse to tell him I lost anything. He treats me like a child, like there should be a place for everything and everything should always be put in its place. And if he loses something - like the coupon for the cafe that he had cut out of the magazine early before we went out last night - then it got 'moved' by someone. There was never an option that he misplaced it. when I lose something he berates me about how i could have lost it. He will ask repeatedly where i had it last and what i did with it - and honestly if i could answer those questions to someone else i would already have it. And I've noticed I can never, ever calm down until he's gone and away for at least 20 or 30 minutes if not longer. And then in a day or two i'll find it. But when it's a check he's already pressed the phone into my hand to cancel it. Even if I know it's in the house. Gaslighting. Damnittohellandbackagain. So if I felt like he was a warden today, when he knew I was so upset because I had everyone ready to go and we just didn't go because of his questions - he wouldn't let me vent to the daycare ladies because he was there, lurking, making me go with him. He stood over me and made me find a table in the coffee hall. I'd already said I didn't feel like anybody cared that I was there, and he just pushed me. (Aside, I did sit with R&D and I got to talk about my book a bit, and that helped a little. and I have lunch scheduled next week without the warden to oversee what i say and do.) It feels unfair to call him the warden, but i mentioned i'd like to go to the women's march to protested the president-elect at his inauguration, and i got completely shut down. "What happened to giving him a chance?" Uhm, EVERY DAMN THING THAT HAPPENED SINCE THE ELECTION. At least he's sort of stopped saying 'liberal media'. But I haven't gotten the chance to retort "conservative propaganda' which I've realized is my only defense. And a flimsy one for the gaslighting guy i live with. If all media is liberal, where the hell does he get his other ideas? I feel like I'm on a slippery slope. I'm going to lose something in this. No wonder I have no feeling of connection to him right now - only obligation. I say whatever a lot because there's nothing else that matters. How do I get out of this and have direction? One of the only good things about the terrible turn of events in the real world is I found one of the big keys missing in my rewriting novel - when Jane miscarries, they'd need a funeral. Thanks, Texas. Stay classy. |
| I'm having a hard time putting it into words. I want to put it on my Noble blog, but I don't know that I can make it fit. So I'm trying to get my words out here. I'm ANGRY because street harassment is literally the least threatening thing that can happen to a woman. I'm angry because I hear the words of just shaking it off, that it's my fault for what I was wearing, that those boys couldn't mean to just think of me as an object. But honestly. I want to be treated as a person. Have you seen those signs? The ones who say I'm not someone's daughter, wife, mother, sister - I am someone. I don't feel like someone. I feel like something, and not something valued. Maybe it's just because I've been dealing with this sort of harassment on many different levels by many different people for over 25 years. When I was young it was because I wasn't attractive. Now that I am older it is because I am. Objectification is in the eye of the beholder, too. I'm angry because there's nothing I can do. That there is nothing to make these men look at me as anything other than just a piece of ass. I'm angry because even in changing my appearance, they win. And they're absolutely free to go harass someone else today, and tomorrow, and however long they feel like it. I'm angry because this little thing that I have to let go of and focus on something else is just a symptom of a larger problem. Who is to say that they won't find a more vulnerable target next time and it leads to something worse? Absolutely nothing. I'm angry because my culture says I am not worth as much as a man. That his word against mine means his words matter and mine don't. And don't think I haven't been in situations where this becomes law. Over 25 years. I've been told it isn't as bad as it used to be. But this is far from over. It started in junior high, on the bus, in the school hallways, anywhere we weren't supervised well. It moves on into college. Even at my first job in an office (as an engineering intern in the late 1990s) - I was harassed there. Sure, being called 'honey' might not seem bad by a coworker, but having the union foreman talk about his wife and kids when your male coworkers are there is one thing and when they disappear and he follows you with only three feet of space and none of his union guys around and you're alone? That's absolutely different. And he wasn't talking about his wife and kids anymore, either. In other places it's more subtle. You're not invited to the table with the guys that you work with. They shift subjects and they won't talk about certain things. At least they allow you to sit with them. Sometimes. They still set you up to fail in front of the bosses and they still cheer for your mistakes. It's a lot of anger. It's a lot of things I can't do differently. And I need to find a way to function. |
| I'm angry, and I'm upset, and I'm not getting over it. Today Tempest is home sick with strep. I'm exhausted for no good reason, but at least I'm trying to stay home and rest. I should have taught a couple classes today, and I'm missing the boost that I would have gotten from teaching. Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) tweeted at 5:55 AM on Tue, Nov 29, 2016: Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag - if they do, there must be consequences - perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail! (https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/803567993036754944?s=03) (I need 🌕 HuntersMoon  to put his stamp of poetry on this thing. I need more humor in my life.) Yesterday, I was searching for a postcard. At a gas station, I left Dogbert in the car to simply run in. And I ran right out again, with nothing. I passed a parked car on the way to mine, and the (passenger) guy rolled down the window. "I just had to tell you you have a great ass." (this is just after 2pm, closer to my son's preschool than my daughter's elementary) I turned away, got into my car, drove off. What can I do? This isn't okay. This isn't wanted. I wanted to kick him in the teeth for that humoring grin that he just "had" to say something. I do not want my son to learn that this is okay. He wasn't paying attention, maybe, this time. I want to really make it hit home to people who objectify women that it's not okay. But it's accepted in this society. I've been harrassed in one form or other for 25 years now, and it's probably not going to stop in my lifetime. Soon it'll just pass to my daughter when she's of the age where men begin to notice her, and then to her girls if she has any. Today I'm going to call the martial arts place. Perhaps Dilbert will come home early enough for me to go there. Have I mentioned how often Dilbert has been asking me where my phone and wallet are? Because he's keeping tabs on both these items, and driving me absolutely batty. More about that in a minute. Last night, still ashamed by my lack of anything to say to the guy in the car or his friend the driver, I was on my way to my yoga class after Tempest's gymnastics. The light was on as I got everything together, doors closed but not locked. A vehicle approached me, lights on, and went to a spot near mine. I thought the car wanted my spot, though ti was coming at an odd angle, so I left out of the parking spot and on my way. The car followed. Blinked lights on high and off again. And I worried that some kind of person was following me for an unknown reason. So i drove faster. I had to get away from that person. Dilbert called a moment later, asking if I had my fucking phone. it was HIM in MY CAR.  He said he rolled down his window, but I couldn't see that. I had the light on in the car, and my eyes might not have adapted to the full dark outside. (it's 6pm) I was scared. I asked why he didn't just call first. I've asked him repeatedly why he's so damn worried about my phone. I have it. And if I don't I'll deal with it. I'm a big girl. Perhaps i shouldn't be so angry with him. I mean, obviously it crossed my mind it's my fault that the guy made comments to me because I was wearing yoga pants (easier to wear them than always have to change and be in three or four outfits per day for only an hour or two each). Obviously there are going to be men out there who only equate women with what they see, it's not new to only be a sum of my physical assets - especially with the PEOTUS's campaign comments. Part of me is only surprised it doesn't happen more. I woke this morning to find that tweet from Trump in the items i had missed. So, of course, there will be more letters to my congressmen. Everything is bleak. See the 10 things Trump denounces more than racism from Mashable if you want to worry more. So much for being president for all americans. 700 hate crimes between election day and the 26th, i think, reported. Of course Dilbert says some of them are hoaxes. But what about the ones that aren't getting reported? The quiet little things like the street harassment that women see all the time, just becoming emboldened? What about the looks that anyone who doesn't present as an assumed example of whatever box is allowed? The small comments we brush off without a lot of examination? I miss that idea we had of a melting pot. Where my mother told me I could do anything when I grew up. Before I had to do research to try to understand what happened with reaganomics and how the wealthiest people in this country who used to pay 74% taxes before he came into office only paid 28% when he left. Did Reagan create the 1%? And why do we connect hard work to character, to contribute laziness to those who can't earn a living wage, when we put so many barriers between actual work and what you earn - these ideas are not equivalent. Oh, the horror. I feel stories coming on. Time to get out a notebook and doodle. |
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