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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| If you know me, you know I don't choose to watch TV much. Today I chose Dead Poet's Society. Honestly, tricky choice bc while they said it was on Disney+, I couldn't find it there. Lucky vimeo allowed it. Dilb said he didn't like it. I said that's one reason I'm watching it in here, to not inflict it on anyone else. It's the only really depressing movie I like. I dunno, maybe, there are probably others. It's also the one I really, really understand. Supposedly it's set in 1959, and those boys in prep school are off to the ivy leagues to be bigwigs. And I felt that pressure so much - I had to go to engineering, I had to do things (especially step-dad thought was good for me) rather than what made me happy. I understood Neil too well, perhaps, since I wanted to be a writer despite all the other stuff I did. He also wanted me to marry a white, anglo-saxon Protestant -caveat, had to be methodist, lutheran, or presbyterian- (man) who made as much money as i did (as an engineer). It took me too many years to realize that list had nothing to do with happiness or fun or love. It was much more about security and control and protection. I tell my kids differently. I let them explore stuff they enjoy. (not EVERYTHING because you can't do it all at once, but yeah, try it, do it, learn it.) Tempest struggles with depression already, and anxiety is awful, but she says it isn't home that's the problem. I can understand that, middle school sucks. Next year she's in high school and Dogbert has to navigate it. Ugh the headache is returning. Back to resting and no screens. |
| So, breakthrough in communication sometime last week between Dilbert and I. Like, amazing breakthrough. I wish we'd done that years ago, but still, I'll take it now. He got a follow-up to his blood pressure, and it is better, and they're waiting for him to start exercising (biking season needs to start soon). I have COVID, and I got it from Tempest. Dogbert may not have registered on the test, and Dilbert doesn't seem to have succumbed to it, oddly. Yet. I changed my cast above. It's been really difficult since the move and Mom. I miss her terribly. It's a year this weekend, and I hate everything about that. We were going to go on vacation, and then COVID. It sucks. It would have helped to be gone. I woke at 530 today. Or so. Finished listening to an audiobook (reading novellas for the Nebulas with a friend) and it's been fun. Nearly finished my tarot card readings for the certification. I'm about to go back to sleep, though. Quarantine doesn't suit me very well. I was starving and I actually didn't sneak out to get myself food, but it took forever to get people to bring me stuff. *sigh* Tempest is out of quarantine today. She still comes in now that she can. I missed her. I miss Dogbert, too, but he did bring me a clean towel so I could shower. I asked him for something he could bring me for breakfast, but it was the last chocolate muffin so i let him eat it. It's hard not having a lot of local friends here. I talk to Trillium and Steph a lot. Less Diego and Mrs Light, but most of Mrs. Light is scheduling difficulties. MotherDroid is a star wars fan, obviously, and she works at gymnastics with me, too. She's a single mom of 4 kids and i find her pretty impressive. Owl is in my ParadiseICON group, and it's exciting to be closer to her to hang out sometimes. We might go to anoher Con together in the twin cities this year. I've been crocheting stuff like mad, heightening my skills and also just letting my emotional craziness take form in yarn and thread. The writing is going nowhere at the moment. Maybe soon that will turn around. |
| Yesterday marked one month since the hypertensive crisis. He says he still has some Rx left and doesn't need more yet. He says he's made healthier food choices and seems upset I didn't notice faster. (It had been about a week since our talk that he needs to take care of himself. I mentioned doctors specifically, especially a therapist.) I feel like I need to have healthy boundaries. I do not have them here. It's really hard to admit that it just isn't going to work. Even though I know it won't. He's not going to change, he's going to tell me what he thinks I want to hear, and he's not going to do simple things like get fucking groceries (for him and the kid that's home) if he runs out of something when I'm out of town. (that happened a week ago) I feel like he's just going to hold me down here until he is fine to do what he wishes. But I do not see myself staying permanently. I try to. I try not to think of time with him as wasted. It just isn't working, and everything around me points to that and somehow I still want to not listen. This, too, hurts. Tempest has issues and doesn't want to share them with Dilbert. Dogbert always phones me instead of talking to Dilbert about anything when I'm gone. Sometimes Dogbert calls me just to talk (when I'm at gymnastics but finished with work). I can tell when his tablet has shut down, but only if Tempest is with me. Yet if what i started asking was to take care of himself (because he's an adult) = Regular doc appt, his overdue colonoscopy, a therapist, taking his meds and refilling them... He's sick today and I'm pretty sure it's from brooding over our issues because I'm starting to talk about them. *whispers* I haven't spoken about the genderfluid part yet. It's like this scary thing to bring up. I can't even say why. He's always known I was bisexual (or whatever inclusive term to mean I'm not selective of only one gender for intimate relationships). Why does gender feel so much harder? |
| I'm not the asshole. I'm not the narcissist. I feel like I'm standing on shifting sands. On one hand, Dilb agreed he needs to change his health. I still don't think he gets how close he was to a heart attack. He's blaming me for the reasons he is not home. He blames me because I take the kids everywhere, and 4 nights a week I am gone between kids' activities and my own. He worked late before I did this. And he will work late again, whether I'm home or not. I refused to wait for him, and I did things to make myself happier. He's complained in small or large ways since, that I'm not home. He could choose to work out in that time. Or to cook himself something healthy to eat. Or a number of other things LIKE HANGING OUT WITH HIS FUCKING CHILDREN. He chooses to work late, over and over and over again. I feel like I'm getting gaslit. And I am. Whether or not it's because of his neurodivergence or his narcissism that won't let him see him the way the kids and I see him. I'm not changing for him. I deserve better. I'm slowly processing through the things he said last night. Like he refuses to go to therapy because he's "fine". He's not. This isn't going to work. It's just him saying what he thinks I need to hear so I don't do anything drastic. Meanwhile, it's time to update my damn resume. |
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