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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey of House Lannister

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

October 15, 2020 at 12:35am

#995916

Me first, please

I thought I'd update because it has been a few weeks. As I mentioned several weeks ago, I’m no longer doing things with my free time that I don’t feel doing. I’m doing relatively okay-ish, primarily because I’m aggressively pursuing the things I do want to do. I’m trusting myself to make my own decisions. I’m allowing myself to acknowledge emotions without being overtaken by them. I’m eliminating myself from spaces where I don’t feel appreciated. I’m making myself unavailable to people who expect me to serve their purpose rather than my own.

In short, I’m not carrying favor with a lot of people right now.

I have several friends who aren’t really communicating with me; I’m not really communicating with them. It’s difficult when you know people care about you, but your ideal path for yourself differs from their ideal path for you. I try to listen and take advice where I can, but, ya know...

I’m admittedly being hedonistic.

But I think I’m doing it for the right reasons. Which has been making me think lately, can you do the wrong thing for the right reasons? As long as I don’t harm anyone else in the process, I’m failing to see why I shouldn’t freely choose what I do even if it turns out to be a mistake in the end. It actually surprises me a little bit how surprised the people around me are when I firmly make a decision and don’t sway on it.

I’ve had multiple conversations over the past month that are basically like, “I don’t want you to do X thing.” And my response is, “I’ve already chosen to do X thing.” And they’re appalled, like, “But I don’t want you to do X thing.” I guess I didn’t realize how many people were hanging around me with conditions. As in, you’re going to do/not do what I say or we’re not really talking anymore. I haven’t talked to a couple of my friends in weeks because they quickly dipped out when I didn’t back down from my decisions.

And I’m being a little unfair here. Obviously, they do care about me or they wouldn’t be trying to control what I do. They want me to make good decisions and they don’t trust me to make those decisions for myself.

I had the opposite conversation today where someone wanted me to do something rather than wanting me to not do something. For story’s sake, I’ll clarify that he wanted me to come hook up with him. When I told him that wasn’t something that was going to happen, he was furious. “This year has been really hard for me. You know I’m depressed and it would cost you nothing to come hang out for an hour. How can you be so selfish!?”

Oh, the humanity.

Have I really been such a people pleaser that I can’t simply tell someone “no” without it turning into a thing? That’s what I’ve had an interesting time doing this year. Just being more honest and more clear with what I want and need. I’m being more direct about how I feel. People don’t enjoy it.

I’ve been able to do this through self-care though. I eat healthy food, drink a lot of water, write in my journal, read a ton, and probably most importantly- meditate. I meditate on things before I talk about them. I meditate before I make a decision. When I’m upset, I meditate so that I can explore the emotion. I try to break it down almost analytically.

My starting off point is like, “I can’t believe this. Fuck that dude. I’m so pissed off.” Hands shaking, heart racing, all that meltdown kind of stuff. But then I go off by myself, do some deep breathing exercises, and meditate. Then I’m calm enough to explore it, like:

Okay, what does pissed off actually mean? Well, it means I’m angry.
Okay, why are you angry? Because he’s not listening to me.
Why does it matter to you if he listens or not? Because I always listen to him and I trusted him to do the same.

Then it’s more bite-sized so I can digest the fact that I’m not “pissed off” so much as I’m feeling hurt/rejected/betrayed/disrespected/scared or whatever else. Next, I explore why I’m feeling those things and then finally does it even matter that I feel those things.

That’s how I get to, “I’m feeling disappointed with that conversation because I’m scared that he will reject me if he doesn’t see my perspective and I don’t feel like I was heard. But I understand that I don’t require his approval as long as I approve of myself. I’m choosing to let go of this situation for the time being because I’m not in control of how he reacted. His feelings are just as valid as mine and I’m sorry for both of us that we can’t resolve this issue for the time being.” And then I end the conversation with myself with an affirmation like, “I’m learning from my past self and evolving into someone better.”

It might sound lame. It’s okay if it does. As someone who has borderline personality disorder, my emotions are incredibly intense and difficult for me to truly understand. Those initially shaky-handed ‘I’m so pissed off’ moments have gotten me into so much trouble. Every time I can sit with those negative emotions and accept that I’m going to feel them without resorting to negative impulsive actions it's a huge personal win for me.

It’s provides me with proof that I can trust myself.

So that’s what I’ve been doing the past few weeks. Making my own decisions which may or may not be mistakes, acknowledging my emotions without acting on them, and figuring out some of my relationships. I hope you’re all well?

“It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

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