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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Kid Cudi Song: Just What I Am [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: If you could live the next 24 hours and then erase it and start over just once, what would you do?Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with yesterday's entry.  I know there are some things you're not supposed to talk about, especially in a community blogging challenge, but I've never been great at finding those boundaries, so here we are. I'm mostly just working through things in my own head, but writing them out helps. I understand what I need to do.In the hellhole of 2020, there are so many simple things I would do with a "free" day. I would go visit all the friends and family I haven't seen for months because of the virus. If we got infected, no harm no foul because I could just rewind out of it. I mean, really, the whole day is a do-over so what I'd do is just take all my money and plan a day trip for my family and friends. Although mixing my family and friends would be... weird. Okay, new plan. Visit family in the morning then fly out of town with friends in the afternoon and spend the night with them. Actually, that sounds really tiring and the logistics are messy. Revised plan. Visit family in the morning, come back home and do a club crawl with my friends at night. Plus, I don't even have to deal with the hangover because I'm erasing the whole day anyway. Oh man, the things I would do if I could just erase them are vile.  But really, this year it would just be normal stuff that I've not gotten to do for pretty much the whole year. I guess we're back to the basics at this point. When it rains it pours, whiskey bottles on the sinks and floors |
Artist: The Menzingers Song: Good Things [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: One thing outside of my control that I need to stop worrying about is... Just one thing? My answer can't be everything?  Honestly, I have such an issue with control and I think a lot of other issues stem from that. I just want to control the way people react to me, which is obviously impossible and stupid. I didn't have a great weekend because I met up with the dude from over here "Invalid Entry" . For those who are keeping up with that saga, he decided it has been long enough since my surgery to talk about things and hang out. But in the meantime while recovering, I decided I don't want to do a contract which would commit me to that relationship for a certain length of time.So I told him that and he was like, "Yeah, great, we can still do our thing occasionally, but I'm not comfortable doing some things without a contract in place." Then he proceeded to do the most mild almost vanilla scene with me that didn't put me in the right headspace at all... just not what I'm looking for whatsoever. I know I'm skirting the lines on my GC-rating right now so I'll stop, but it's so frustrating because I just want to make him do what I want. And at the same time, I only said no to a contract because my friends told me to and I couldn't control their reaction to it. Life would be so much easier if I could just force people to react how I want them to react.  Now I'm just going into the work week with a bad mental space because getting 40% of what you need is somehow worse than getting nothing. Like, I need that system shock to feel grounded and normal. I've felt totally off since then. But in addition to letting go of my desire to make people do what I want them to do... I could also do with not worrying about: - My surgery recovery, which is either going to happen or not happen regardless of how much I stress over it. Actually, stressing out over it probably makes recovery worse. - Work things. I'm doing fine in my role, but there are some incoming changes looming over my team and we don't really know how things are going to shake out so it's a bit worrying. But again, something I have zero control over so it's pointless to worry about. - The pandemic. Like, totally reasonable to do everything you can to protect yourself, but I had to step away from the news completely. I couldn't take the 24/7 news cycle about it. Even still, I hear about it a lot just from everyone and everything. - Politics. I know ranting about politics like I did in my last entry is bad form. I'm probably going to do it again though, to be fair. The reason I should stop worrying about it is because I'm never going to change anyone's mind, so all I can do is vote. I'm sincerely so worried about this election and the aftermath of it though. - Winter. As silly as it is, I'm legit concerned about winter coming because it's kind of a depressing time of year for me on a good year. But then on top of that, we didn't get to enjoy any of the good weather this year because of the virus. I've mostly been stuck in my house since March minus a couple visits to the aforementioned dude and going on short walks. But I can't control the seasons, sadly. Usually when I'm feeling out of control with my own things, I focus myself on other people's things. Not super in-depth because I'm not great at solving my own problems, let alone anyone else's, but just basic things like leaving comments on people's blogs or whatever. I just know that people need to feel "seen" and I try to validate that whenever I can. It makes me feel at least semi-productive to do that. I've been having a horrible time Pulling myself together I've been closing my eyes to find The old, familiar failures |
Artist: Face to Face Song: Blind [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Respond to this quote: “Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.” -Ruth Bader Ginsburg Man, 2020 really is just all gas no brakes, huh? This entry is going to be hard to right because I honestly feel sick over R.B.G.'s passing. The news is simply devastating for our country in a time of extreme tension and animosity. First of all, Rest in Power to The Notorious R.B.G. She's absolute powerhouse feminist icon who was never afraid to lay down the hammer for equality and human rights. Special shoutout for being a major ally to the LGBT+ community. What's not to like?  It's difficult because it feels disrespectful to get political immediately after someone's passing, but her life's work was political in nature so it's a bit difficult to not acknowledge that angle. I know she held on as long as she could fighting cancer because she knew that the Trump Administration would immediately work to push through a controversial conservative replacement before the election despite McConnel refusing to confirm a replacement for Justice Scalia in 2016, even though he passed much earlier in the election year. Instead, they waited until Trump got elected and he nominated his own conservative replacement. I don't know how much people know about or understand... but this is a huge deal. They expressly refused to vote on Obama's nomination which was made in March of 2016 because they said it should wait until after the election. Now they're going to try to push through a nomination AND vote in less than 2 months. There are no "two sides" to this. It is infuriating and it is disgusting behavior. Anyone who agrees with this needs some immediate and serious self reflection. And likely some education, which they'll invariably refuse to do because they might learn something they don't like. I didn't want to get into this rant, but... fuck, man. This is just about the worst timing I could fathom in likely the worst year I've witnessed. As for the quote, of course R.B.G. hit the nail on the head with this one. It's one thing to fight for what is right; it's another to inspire others to also fight for what is right. There is power in numbers. Everything we've gotten from desegregation to same-sex marriage has come about because the number of people willing to fight for it outweighed the number of people willing to fight against it. There will always be dissenters, but we as a society have decided that we're going to stop being shitty people in some regards and we accept these things as human rights now. I can't believe in the futuristic-sounding year of 2020, there are still so many people who would like to revert back to discriminatory ideologies. It totally baffles me. But either way, you are not going to win. Because of great leaders like R.B.G. who devote their lives to equality and inspire others to be forward-thinkers, you are always going to find yourself on the wrong side of history. And you should, because society deserves better.  What if I'm right and you are wrong? What if you knew it all along? |
Artist: Fall Out Boy Song: Suger We're Goin Down [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What life lessons have you had to learn the hard way?I'm saving everyone's responses to my last entry for future reference when I feel invisible at work because I'm sure that's bound to happen at some point. Not so much right now because we've all been working from home for almost my entire time with the company. But, in the not so distant future (maybe)... Before I answer the prompt, if you're planning on doing NaNoWriMo or OctoPrep this fall, you can add me on the official NaNoWriMo site. I decided to do OctoPrep next month, but I'm planning on handwriting all of it on my tablet and then I'll convert it to text and organize it ahead of November. I haven't tried NaNo since I completed it in 2015. Which brings me to my first lesson of this entry... You should do most things how you want and when you want.I'm focusing right now on participating in things how I want to participate in them. I have a long track record of trying to appease the leaders of any given group of people (work group, family group, WDC community) and it actually tends to diminish my personal experiences. Instead of growing as a person/worker/writer, I try to meet the expectations that have been placed onto all of us and it doesn't really seem to pay off that frequently. At the end of the day, I'm often like, "I could've used that time to do X, Y, Z and gotten the same result." That sounds more negative and bitter than it's intended. It's more like I'm reminding myself now that I have every right to experience things at my pace or in my own way whether or not that aligns with what someone else wants me to do. And even doing so, I'll likely still be received the same way. You don't have to be friends with everyone.Oh, hey, this is a recent revelation. I'm so friendly and used to getting along with people that really only in the past couple years have I realized that, not only do you not need to be friends with everyone, you also can't be friends with everyone. See, what I used to do is I'd let people push me around and talk down to me as much as they wanted. While I'd be thinking, man, this person's kinda a dick, what I'd say would not align with my thoughts. What I'd say is, "Well, different strokes." Or, "I respect your opinion even though it's different than mine." But something changed, and I can remember the exact second it changed. I was talking to someone who was claiming to be persecuted for their opinion. Of course, I thought damn, that sucks. Everyone has a right to their opinion even if I might not agree with it. So I had them elaborate and it turns out their "opinion" was something egregiously hateful against an entire group of people. That's when I realized that we can still be friends if you eat meat and I don't, or you like Microsoft and I like Apple, or you prefer structured poetry and I prefer free verse. We cannot be friends if you're homophobic and I'm not, or you're sexist and I'm not, or you're racist and I'm not. These are not things that can be compromised, nor should they be. These "opinions" have no place in 2020 society. It's like earlier in the year when I think Robert Waltz  had a great entry about how anti-science opinions are not comparable to scientifically proven facts and shouldn't be given the same weight. There are no "two sides" about it, and I won't try to get along with someone who subsists on hatred and anti-intellectualism.Am I more than you bargained for yet? |
Artist: flora cash Song: You're Somebody Else [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "JAFBG" Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week."30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Have you picked up any new hobbies or interests since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic in March?I'm back, sort of. I've been off trying to reconcile feelings™. I have this thing in life that's difficult for me to understand. I feel like whenever I do something bad, like whenever I have a negative behavior, I always have to pay the price for it. I always have to deal with the bad consequences of my bad actions. And that makes sense. But... I feel like it doesn't work the other way around. When I do something good or feel like I'm a net positive to a situation, it doesn't seem like it's acknowledged, like, at all. I think this is related to growing up in a reward/punishment-based system where it's like "Do what I want and I'll reward you. Don't do what I want and I'll punish you." But in actuality, the former is really, "Do what I want and I'll be neutral toward you." It's frustrating to me because I want to be "good" but I've grown to understand the concept of being good or doing good things through acknowledgements. I think people, by nature, want to be recognized when they put a lot of time and effort into something. Not that they need people to bow down before their greatness, but just the slightest thumbs up to be like, "Hey, you're not invisible and you're doing a good job." I see microcosms of this scenario everywhere and it's super demotivating to me. I'm not the type of person who does well with blasé responses because my brain is like, Hey, if they're indifferent to you anyway, why not just do whatever you want? Because often when presented with numerous options, I base my decision on expectations or desires of the other party. Sometimes it's like, why not just do whatever I feel like doing in the moment since it clearly doesn't affect the outcome regardless? So, that's what I've been wrestling with a little bit. I'm in tune with my mental health issues, as unraveled as they've been lately, so I can recognize my BPD being triggered. The question is do I want to involve myself in something that triggers my BPD? Not sure this flip-floppy brain thing is a new COVID hobby for me. It might’ve been around just a tad longer than that. But there is so much time to think now, and that’s why it’s so important to be thoughtful and deliberate with your actions. I mean, even unrelated to this tiny meltdown I’m having, the smallest things can brighten someone’s day or week or even month during COVID times. Almost everyone I know has been sitting at home for months now, not seeing their primary social group, not doing their typical summer activities, looking ahead to the holidays where they might be celebrating without friends or family for the first time ever. It’s crucial to do what you can to make people feel appreciated during any time, but especially during these times. I don’t know that I’ve picked up any new hobbies, but I have been doing a lot more of my pre-existing hobbies. Without commuting for work, I’ve had a lot more time during the work week to read, for example. I have so many books on my holds shelf at the library because I’ve had more time to read book summaries and get a super long to-read list going. I’ve also been writing some off-site, which is cool. I’ve been trying pen and paper a little bit to avoid distractions and it seems to be working well. Depending on how long I’m essentially stuck at home, I’m sure I’ll pick up some new interests and hobbies, but really I have so many half-hobbies that I’m more likely to just focus on making them a little more consistent hobbies. Also, I haven’t checked my emails from the last week but I will soon I’m sure. Having my mind engulfed and being in pain all the time has proven to take up a lot of space in my life, so there’s that part too. Well you look like yourself But you're somebody else Only it ain't on the surface |
Artist: Soul Coughing Song: Circles [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write a letter to your future self. Write the date you would want to read the letter again at the top of your entry (you can choose how far in the future this date is; One year, five years, twenty years, etc.) What would you want to tell your future self? What would you want to know from them? This one will be short because I have a really bad migraine.  I just wanted to update though and say that I went to see my surgeon. He removed the stitches and said there's still quite a bit of bruising. He said it will take at least a couple more weeks before we'd expect noticeable healing and I'll likely be in pain for a while yet.So I'm going to go back at the end of the month to check on how it's healing. If I've not seen a significant improvement after that point, I'll get a second opinion. Just feeling kind of down because I thought it was weird that I was still in pain 2 weeks after surgery and he was kind of like, "What are you talking about?? You have several more weeks to start noticing that you're healing and a few months until it's fully healed." So I don't know...  This prompt is fun though so... Dear 9 September 2025 Me, I have nothing to tell you that you don't already know. I do have a million questions though like... When does my jaw stop hurting and what can I do to make it heal faster? Also, who should I trust at work? Who should I get in with to get a sick promotion? What are the winning lottery numbers? How's Tesla stock looking? Where should I move? Should I buy a house? When do we get a covid-19 vaccine? Is it effective? How much longer until I can leave my house and safely be around people? Are 2021-2025 any better than 2020? Yeah, this whole pandemic shit is pretty big in 2020. Please tell me you're not reading this letter from quarantine. Signed, 9 September 2020 Me I mean, at least that would show my 2020 mindset, I guess. When you were languishing in rooms I built to file you in And when the wind set down in funnel form and pulled you in |
Artist: The Cardboard Swords Song: Flannel [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What does confidence mean to you? Describe the traits of a confident person. Looking at the traits you listed, would you consider yourself a confident person? My first instinct on this was to look up the standard definition of "confidence" but I realized that wouldn't be very confident of me, so I didn't. I've thought about it on my own and I've come to the conclusion that: Confidence = I know I can... I know I can explain that topic because I know that topic. I know I can succeed at this job because I have the skills. I know I can overcome challenges because I'm strong. I know I can survive without you because I don't need you. I think confidence is just about having faith in yourself and knowing that no matter what shit goes down, you’re gonna adapt and roll with it. I’ve got a few super confident people around me who are unflappable. Like, straight up, I’ve never seen any self-doubt in them. You can say whatever you want to them. They’ll brush it off like you’re a gnat, like you’re completely insignificant. In case my blog isn’t clear, my confidence mileage varies. I have no idea how people handle criticism or negative comments without feeling like shit about it. I’m like, “Aren’t you even slightly upset that someone said that to you?” And they respond with, “Who said what?” That’s a legit superpower. Like, you haven’t been ruminating over this shitty thing that person said to you? Not at all? Oh, you instantly forgot about it because you don’t give a fuck about that person or their opinion? Cool. I have a very unstable sense of self. My level of confidence varies wildly depending on my mood. I’ve been called both cocky and insecure in the same day. Multiple times... When talking about the same topic. I’m never stable in that regard. I’m either so confident that people are like, “Ok, dick, calm your ass down.” Or I’m so in the throes of self-doubt that people are like, “Hey, come on, you’re not that bad.” I haven’t developed a consistent sense that’s required to have that stable view of yourself and your abilities. I am getting better though because I'm starting to understand what confident people are talking about. For example, Logan has always said to me, "I want you to be with me because you want to be with me, not because you need to be with me." You have no idea how badly this hurt my feelings when I first heard it. I was like what, you don't need me? If you don't need me then why are you wasting my fucking time? I mean, I really lost it at this statement. Even after he explained, like, "I don't want you to be dependent on me. I don't want you to feel like you need me because I deliver something physical or financial or emotional to you that you feel reliant on." I was like how dare you... But coming back together now and hearing him say, "I want you to stand on your own two feet and tell me that you know you're okay without me." Something clicked. I get it now. And I've been applying this to all of my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and everyone else I know. Because I realize how many times I've allowed myself to be hurt because I thought I required someone in my life. And almost in a dignified way too, like, "Look at how much I can withstand from you because I need you in my life that badly." As though it's proof of how much I care for them. It's not. All it has proved is that I lack the confidence to simply say: I know that I can find someone better than you because I know I deserve it. As with most roads in life, I don't think the path to confidence is linear. Even after that little epiphany, I've still fallen backwards and been that same speck of a person, pathetically begging him while having a total meltdown like, "Please, I need you. I can't be without you." To which he promptly pulls back again and says, "Try again. Show me that you know you're self-sufficient. Show me that you know you have the strength to be independent. Show me that you don't need me." So that's what I'm trying to work on in my interpersonal relationships now. I know several of you gave good comments on my entry a couple days ago when I was beating myself up because I was worried that I'd offended or upset various people. I know that those feelings of guilt are actually coming from fear. Fear that if I mess up or upset someone, they're going to instantly abandon me and stop being my friend over it. What I want for myself is to develop the confidence to say, "I want and I value our relationship/friendship, but I do not require it to continue living my life. We'll meet each other halfway, and if not, I'll move on and be fine." I'll keep doing the things that I do And I'll find someone who wants me like I wanted you |
Artist: Relient K Song: Be My Escape [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: I completely rearranged my desk space yesterday! It was a much-needed change and has helped with my motivation. What does your desk space / writing space look like? What sorts of things do you need (or not need) in your work space to be productive and happy? I realized today that I'm getting super depressed. Maybe I've been depressed the whole time. I don't know. Feels like I'm oscillating back and forth between panic and depression. For the first time in probably 8 months, I thought about killing myself today. Not like an active planning kind of thing, but just that passing intrusive thought. Like, hey, you have this option too. I just realized how depressing that opener is with this prompt. Amazing.I'm gonna interlace some things. It'll be #fun. I don't have a desk, which is kinda messed up because I've been working from home for like 7 months now. I actually did have one, but I tossed it when I moved in June cuz I literally never used it. I pretty much do work on my laptop either on the couch, or in bed, or outside, or on the floor... I really don't need that much. If I'm going to have a productive day, I can have it anywhere. I can work wherever, sleep wherever. I'm pretty much flexible. There are certainly conditions under which I cannot be motivated or productive and I'm under those conditions now. I've just barely been getting by doing enough work to seem productive, which I can only do because there's a pandemic so the whole fetal position parts of my day are flying under my radar. I don't get what's going on, really. I usually handle physical pain way better than this. I'm used to have migraines fairly regularly and I also have some extracurricular activities that are pretty much painful. I've come to the conclusion that I can handle physical pain a lot more if I know what's causing it. With my current situation, I don't get what the issue is and the doctor doesn't seem to fully get it either outside of "it was a complex surgery that didn't heal correctly." But that doesn't tell me much in terms of what to expect now. The fact that the second surgery was almost two weeks ago now and I feel worse than before isn't very promising. It's likely fucking with my head because there are the unknown aspects of what's causing it to not heal and how long it's actually going to hurt for. I mean 4 months straight of pain seems excessive, but even so, I'm a little surprised that I'm mentally coping so poorly. My guess would be that there are other things misfiring in my brain that I can't adequately identify because the physical pain is clouding my usual processing, um, process. Honestly, if I could go without pain, I'd work in a fucking cave and be productive. I'd work inside an airplane and then parachute out of it at the end of the day. I'd be more motivated to work inside of an actual trash bin if it meant I could be pain-free. That's where I'm at with things right now. I’ve given up on giving up slowly I’m blending in so you won’t even know me |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Reflect on the last week. Write about something you did really well last week and something you could have done better."JAFBG" Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week.This is going to turn into a rant, so you've been forewarned. In the last week, I've participated in a couple different birthday activities. I've done 30 reviews so far, and I think they've all been pretty good reviews. I think I did 30-ish reviews in all of last year so I'm killing it this year, by comparison. I'm planning to do 10 newbie reviews today and then that'll probably be it for me for birthday celebration. I guess that's what I did well in the last week. Now for what I've done poorly... My anxiety has completely reignited in the last few days. I think people who don't deal with anxiety, or don't deal with it frequently, maybe don't know how all-encompassing it actually is. There's so much more than just the straightforward feeling of being anxious. There are the physical symptoms, for one thing. The headaches, nausea, racing heart, chest pains, body aches, muscle tension... all of which make you feel more anxious. There are the interpersonal symptoms, which are some of my worst mental health symptoms, probably because I have a personality disorder layered on top of the anxiety. I just get very... prickly(?) when I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety. I'm very quick to get upset or get angry. I'll give you two examples from this week. So, this guy I know who I'm friends with and also not friends with messaged me and was like, "Oh, I have something to tell you, it's not a big deal at all, but don't get angry ok?" And just already being anxious and prickly, I instantly got angry. I was like why the fuck are you bringing up something that's 'not a big deal at all' if you know it's going to piss me off? If it's not a big fucking deal, then don't bring it up to me. Of course, that little meltdown pissed him off and he was like, "Well, I just won't talk to you then!" So we haven't talked in a few days, which I'm not all that broken up about, but it's just an example of how prickly you can get when you're dealing with anxiety and other issues. The smallest thing can quickly spiral. Then, example number two. Here's the setup for this one. My grandfather's birthday is in mid-September and mine is in mid-December. When I was a kid, I hated my birthday being super close to Christmas, I wished it was in October because that was my favorite month and then I'd actually get a birthday that was separate from Christmas. Well, I complained to my grandparents about this and my grandfather was like, "You should celebrate your birthday with me in September!" Everyone else in our immediate family (literally everyone) was born from January-June. So I was like, hey, that's the closest other birthday to my birthday, we should do it. I think my parents were all for this arrangement because it meant not having to dish out gifts for my birthday as they were trying to get gifts for everyone else too. So as a family, we've celebrate mine and my grandfather's birthday together pretty much always and then I've always celebrated with my friends in mid-December for my actual birthday. With that setup out of the way, my grandfather called me yesterday and was like, "Hey, so, I don't want to celebrate my birthday with you anymore." I was like, that's cool, but we've celebrated together for over 20 years, minus years I was away from the family. Seems a little weird that he would want to stop now that he's like eighty. But I couldn't really get him to tell me why he wanted to stop celebrating together. I was making light of it like, "You want your special day to yourself?" and he was laughing about it. But then he's like, "I actually don't want to go to Thanksgiving or Christmas either. I don't want to be around your dad." That set off this whole-ass conversation that I didn't want to have, so I cut it super short and I was just like, "Do what you wanna do, but don't worry about the birthday thing." It's really not a big deal, just one of those weird family traditions that neither of us probably have cared about for years and were doing for the other person. These two incidents are just microcosms of my entire week where I've felt like I've done something wrong or pissed someone off. I just feel super prickly- emotionally and physically sensitive to everything. I try really hard to anticipate what other people want from me, but it's like, extremely fucking difficult to do. Even on WDC, it can be hard. Like, I get a review response and I'm like, shit, I pissed someone off. Or I have a conversation with someone and I see them say something related elsewhere on the site and I'm like, shit, I pissed them off. Those little "conflicts" which aren't really conflicts, more just like shit that happens, really suck when you're going through a heightened anxiety cycle. Kira will be like, "Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?" And I'm like, well, fuck, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, my thoughts are racing... I'm doing the best I fucking can to pay attention to what you're saying with every part of my body feeling like an electrical current is running through it. When I get like this, I get this attitude going like I'm just not gonna respond to anyone. Like, I'm just not going to answer my phone, not gonna answer my messages, just gonna go total no contact with the world. Even if it's a nice message or something, can't offended or annoy someone if you don't respond, right? But of course... wrong. Because if you don't respond then it's like, "Why are you ignoring me? I saw you read my message. You had to have checked your phone in the past 3 days. I see that you're online." So, I dunno. I guess to loop back around to the prompt, the thing I did poorly in the last week was maintaining my composure with people. Or, well, that's not true. I maintained my composure with people and then I went and privately beat myself up because I'm prickly over everything.  I also never got my anxiety med situation sorted out because I've been dealing with a lot between pain/surgery and work. Feels super overwhelming to me. So, this week I'll hopefully either be able to calm myself down through various therapy and self-care techniques I've learned over the years, or I'll unplug completely from everyone/everything and give that a spin. |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about a weird, cool, unbelievable, or interesting fact you know, but don’t think many other people do.Ugh, I can't wait for the 3-day weekend. I'm really feeling myself backsliding into how I felt last month and it just sucks. I dunno how much longer I'll last blogging this month, so I better make this a good one just in case. To make matters worse, the person I wrote about in this entry: "Invalid Entry" decided that we should 'cool off' while I recover from surgery, so we aren't seeing each other for a few weeks, or longer, depending on whether or not this recovery actually, ya know... happens.  So here we go, let's entertain ourselves. I remember this video from a couple years ago and thought of it right away when I saw the prompt: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] It's a little less than 6 minutes long, so you can just watch the vid if you want, but if not, I'll summarize quickly. 1. No one was burned in the Salem Witch Trials. This is a weird one because I feel like we hear 'burned at the stake' in reference to this situation, but in reality, 15 died in prison, 19 were hanged, 1 was squished to death. Doesn't make it any less shitty, but there ya go. 2. Buddha wasn't overweight as we often see represented. The overweight statues and imagery that are often associated with Buddha are actually of a Chinese zen monk named Budai. 3. Also, Buddha wasn't a God, he was just a guy named Siddhartha Gautama. Also, he was thin. 4. Vomitoriums were not a place where Romans vomited so they could feast more. They're the entrances/exits of the amphitheatres. 5. Washington never chopped down a cherry tree. The story is used to prove that he's honest because he admits to his father that he chopped down the tree. Also, his teeth weren't wooden. 6. The Egyptian pyramids weren't built by slaves. There's evidence that they were built by paid laborers from all different classes. 7. You can't see the Great Wall of China from space. I don't know where this idea came from. 8. Hitler didn't create the Autobahn. It was already there, he just helped expand it. 9. Iron maidens weren't torture devices used in medieval times. They just weren't. The myth basically got built around the ideology that the Middle Ages were super violent and brutal. The first evidence of an iron maiden doesn't exist until the 19th century, and it wasn't used. 10. Einstein never failed math. They don't go into this in the video, but it was a confusion based on the grading system. In some countries 1 is the best grade and 6 is the worst. In other countries it's the opposite. So when he got the best grade in math, it got confused with the worst. You can delve way deeper into all of these, so if any of them interest you, look them up to get the full story. I really like learning about myths and where they originated. I feel like sometimes when I say, "Oh hey, that's not actually true. What happened was..." people get annoyed with me. But I personally welcome the opportunity to learn something new and I'd rather someone tell me if I'm perpetuating a misconception.This video hits on quite a few of the popular ones, but here's one of my personal favorites not in the video: There aren't different parts of your tongue that taste sour/salty/sweet/bitter/savory. I feel like I straight up heard this in a biology class in middle school. I remember my teacher talking about different 'zones' on your tongue that were responsible for tasting different types of taste. The original basis for the myth came from a paper in 1901 where a scientist was trying to determine how much stimulus it took to taste things on different areas of the tongue (i.e. the very edges of your tongue vs. the center vs. the tip), but the way the results were presented made it look like he was sectioning the tongue off by type of taste rather than taste at all. I know there's a bunch more. Anyone have any myths/misconceptions they'd like to clarify?  |
Artist: The Shins Song: Simple Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe a time when your work was criticized. How did you react?Ughhhh what happened?!? I was feeling so much more positive yesterday than today. Just feeling down because of trying to recover from a second surgery and just don't feel like I'm improving even though it was only last week that I had it done. I go for my post-op checkup next week. I really wanted to stay in high spirits today and review or do some birthday stuff but it didn't end up happening.I'll try again tomorrow though. Now, on this prompt I'm going to be completely honest and admit that I don't have the highest emotional intelligence. Criticism is especially difficult for me to emotionally handle without getting defensive or angry. I can handle constructive criticism when it comes in the form of something like a review here on WDC. I wrote that item. If that item sucks and I open it up for reviews, I appreciate anyone's attempt at helping me improve because I know that it's coming from a place of goodwill. But there are several situations where I do not react well to criticism, and I will gladly rant list those for you now: When I genuinely didn't do anything wrong. For example, in one of my previous jobs, I had asked my boss regularly to train me on a system that was integral to my position. He kept telling me "later, later, later." Then my 6-month performance review came up and guess what he had the audacity to say to me? "You still don't know how to use X system, which is disappointing." WTF...  I still get angry just thinking about it because I put a lot into my work and I had done everything short of outright demanding that he train me on the system. I definitely lost my temper during that review and called him out immediately, to which he backtracked and sheepishly said, "Oh yeah, I've been pretty busy..." When I actually didn't ask for your opinion. I get ultra irritated when someone expects me to be grateful for criticism that I never even asked for or wanted. The reason this irritates me is because the other person is often presumptuous in their criticism and I think it's rude. For example, when I was in college I missed a week of classes (which I was able to do because I had documented ADA paperwork on file with the school). Despite knowing that my absences were excused, one of my professors made a comment to me about how if I wanted to do well in her class, I'd better focus more time on actually coming to lectures rather than partying. First of all, I wasn't partying, I was in and out of my neurologist's office getting treatment for an intractable migraine. Second of all, I didn't ask for your critique. Your assumptions on my priorities are just shitty and unhelpful. When the other party doesn't understand the circumstances. Partially related to above, but it deserves its own spotlight because it just happens a lot. I actually see this more frequently as a third party where someone makes a critical statement about someone else without knowing that person’s situation, but it’s happened directly to me a fair amount of times as well. Like in the above example, my professor didn’t know I had a migraine and chose to assume that I was partying rather than just asking me if everything was okay. Similarly, I heard one coworker say that another coworker had been staying out too long on lunch. Not a crazy amount of time, but often she was coming back a little more than an hour after her lunch started. Which, side note, if you have time to keep close track of coworkers at work, you need a heavier workload or you need to lose some hours and pay. But anyway, turns out the woman was transitioning her parent with dementia into a senior living community and she was going to check in on her parent at lunch that week. So, you just criticized someone behind their back for taking an hour and ten minutes on lunch instead of one hour while they were going through a major, difficult life decision and still getting all their work done. I would feel horrible if I did that to someone. When I'm emotional about the subject or just in general. Sometimes there are things that make sense to criticize, but the timing of that criticism is still important. You know when you're just having a bad day or week and you totally meltdown over something seemingly insignificant? Criticism is something that can easily spiral my mood if I'm already stressed and emotional about other things. It's like oh great, you want to throw something on top of everything else? There are also topics that are triggers for me too, regardless of my emotional state. My family is one of those topics. If Kira criticizes the way I handle a family situation, I get really upset. Because I'm like you just don't even know or understand all the layers of complexity in those relationships. It's a topic that quickly makes me emotional when criticized. When their goals for me don’t align with my goals for myself. Last one, I swear. This is a little different than all the above though. I really dislike when someone criticizes me based on what they want or expect from me. Your criticism of me is worthless to me if it doesn’t align with what I want or need for myself.I’m sure some of you have experience with this somewhere in your history. I had friends in school who wanted to go for English or history, but their parents would only help them with school if they went for a science or math major. So they did it, hating their field the entire way, before even getting an actual job in it.  There’s a difference between showing concern for someone, like, “Here are the pros and cons of X, Y, Z decision, are you sure this is what you want to do?” and being like, “How stupid could you possibly be to think that decision is at all sensible?” Or, “What you’re doing worries/concerns me because A, B, C reasons.” vs. “You’re going to hell for doing that because I personally disagree with it.” I’ll shut someone off instantly if the reality of the situation is that I want something for myself that they don’t want for me and they’re going about criticizing me in a judgmental, close-minded way. No thanks. You wore a charm in a chain that I stole especially for you Love’s such a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove |
Artist: Sum 41 Song: In Too Deep [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Be inspired by this quote: "Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma GandhiWell, I managed to do 20 reviews today.  10 short stories and 10 poems. Next up is 10 anniversary reviews and 10 newbie reviews. It's like quadruple GPs this week or something like that.The really shocking part? I did all 20 of them either on lunch break or while sitting on pointless conference calls. Scary to think I have that much time at work. I mean, I usually just draw or write in my journal during this long conferences. I used to take notes but then I realized that I literally never even glanced at the notes again after writing them so that was kind of pointless.So anyway, ah, yes... self-fulfilling prophecies. I definitely believe in the power of positive (and negative) thinking. I know your mental state has power because I’ve fallen into the trap of ruminating on negative thoughts and it’s totally detrimental to both your mental and physical health. The problem, of course, is that it’s way easier said than done. I can consciously know that thinking negatively results in negativity, but how can someone with an anxiety disorder whose physical brain functions abnormally just decide to be positive instead of negative? The short answer is that you can’t. My brain chemistry is never going to function normally on its own. What you can do is attempt to think positively, take medication as needed, take care of yourself as best as you can. The things that get me out of slumps like the one I had last month are: 1) drinking water and eating decently healthy 2) attempting to sleep a normal amount (not 4 hours a day, not 12 hours a day) 3) distracting myself by going outside, journaling, watching movies, reading, listening to music 4) leaning on a support system 5) focusing on philosophies, therapy techniques, mindful activities, and other positive outlets That being said, I still have negative thoughts. I don’t promote this ideology that if you were in a negative mindset, you caused negative things to happen in your life. Yes, your positive mindset might help you overcome obstacles more easily, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re someone like me whose brain is a whole-ass rollercoaster. Humans have self-doubt. They have worries and concerns. The more you care about something, the more you want it, the more anxious you may become. Just do the best you can and remember who you’re striving to be. I lean on stoicism a lot during my most difficult times because I believe in the teachings of stoicism. Not that you are not allowed to suffer, but that suffering is a natural part of life that we all must experience at times. I try to accept that and nail into my head as much as possible, and over time it has helped. It has made me stronger. And with that, here are a couple of my favorite stoic quotes that I personally prefer to the one in this prompt. “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” ~ Marcus Aurelius This quote reminds me that the way I’m processing something might be actively making the situation worse than it is in reality. It also reminds me that I’m the one who controls what and who makes me suffer. If someone else is causing me pain, I can revoke their ability to do that. “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” ~ Epictetus This is much the same, but it’s something I roll around in my head frequently because I do tend to have temper flares. This is the type of philosophy I most lean on. It’s not a religion, and I don’t use it as one. But when people quote religious texts, I think of stoic philosophers. Maybe we're just trying too hard When really it's closer than it is too far |
Artist: Green Day Song: Brain Stew [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: I know this is cheesy, but I have to do it... In your entry today, write about what you love about Writing.Com. How have you grown as a writer? How are you (as a writer) different from how you were when you first joined this site? Thank the members who helped you get where you are today.I just couldn’t stay away! I figured if I’m going to be social and reading blogs in September, I might as well write a few of my own. For those who haven’t kept up with me in August, the reason I didn’t keep up with you is because, I went through back-to-back a dissociative episode and then a second oral surgery. It was just... a very difficult month. I’m sure September will be more of the same. But trying to stay positive and hopeful that I’ll heal properly this time. I just had surgery last week so it will be a several weeks of recovery before healing fully. I still have stitches and all that.Alright, so, the prompt... I love writing, but I can write alone. There are tons of writing sites if I just want to get feedback on my writing. We all know that what makes WDC so great is the people. Genuinely from the beginning of my time on the site, I’ve felt welcomed and accepted, even though a lot of things about me generally aren’t socially acceptable. I would have never stayed here so long if it weren’t for the great community. Not everyone in the community is great and I do think there are some of the more “social media” aspects that detract from the writing aspects, but generally speaking, it’s the nicest place on the internet that I’ve been to. As a writer, I’ve grown into someone who is comfortable showing the vulnerable side of my writing. I still have a long way to go. I could take more risks and my insecurities stop me sometimes from trying new things or entering contests, but before WDC, I didn’t share any of my writing with anyone. Ever. So in that sense, I’ve grown a lot. I’m also comfortable with giving honest feedback, which I wasn’t at the beginning. Most of my early reviews are pretty much sugarcoated because I didn’t want to rub any of the established site members the wrong way. Once I became more comfortable with my position on the site and the purpose of reviewing, I became a lot more direct and honest in my reviews. Someone must agree that I’ve grown in that area because I did get Best Reviewer in the most recent Quills. My thank you list would be endless and I hate to start naming people. Certainly lizco252isback got me into the site with her initial Soundtrackers challenge. Fivesixer  , Lyn's a sly fox  , Elle - on hiatus  , Cinn , ~Minja~ , Joy  , ♥Hooves♥  , Tiggy-Cheers for House Martell  , 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷  , and so many more people kept me around year after year. Patrick  got me into serious reviewing. Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm  , iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen  , and Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk  with their numerous activities kept me engaged in the site.Throughout the years, I’ve met soooo many people that make the site worth staying on. I won’t start listing people because it would be like a 500-person list. But for starters, I owe a thanks to everyone involved in hosting, judging, and participating in 30DBC. You’ll know I’m talking about you when you read this without being tagged.  I’ve met so many great people through blogging and I continue to meet new people every time I participate. That’s the aspect of the site that keeps me engaged now. All the people who comment on my entries and whose entries I comment on keep me around. On top of that, I have my mental health crew from "Invalid Item" and the other people who check on me in month’s like August when I was really just losing it frequently. Logging in and seeing a message titled “Just checking in” reminds me that people here do actually care about each other, even privately without the expectation of anything in return. As I said in the beginning of this entry, it’s the community that keeps you locked in. The community helps you and you help the community. By writing a review, entering a challenge or contest, liking a newsfeed post, crediting a review, hosting or judging an activity, commenting on a blog entry, answering a question, welcoming a newbie, and just generally being around for the ups and downs that everyone experiences. It’s the caring community that has kept WDC active for 20 years. Happy 20th birthday, WDC!! Enjoy your celebration. I'm having trouble trying to sleep I'm counting sheep but running out |
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