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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
| Hey everyone. Hope you’re all well. But if you're anything like me, everything seems pretty awful right now. But oh boy, do I have a rant for you. So, I had pretty much routine surgery done over 5 months ago. I was supposed to feel better within a few weeks... but I didn't. Instead, I've been in pain since then. We tried everything to figure out what was going on. Eventually, they did a second surgery to explore the area and found that there was some damaged tissue preventing it from fully healing, so they took care of that. Great, right? Well, no. Because I spent the next 7 weeks in horrible pain. I was almost feral with pain. I went back to the surgeon and I was like, "Okay, this is super fucked. Like, this is really bad." The surgeon did a 3D x-ray immediately to see what was going on. I thought I certainly had some bad infection or something. Instead, he came back and told me that the surgery site was fully healed.  I said there's no way and again described all the pain that I’m in. The surgeon just looked very confused and said he doesn't understand why I'm still in pain.So he decided to refer me to a pain specialist. I set up an appointment for early last week with the specialist. In the week between seeing the surgeon and pain specialist, I had a migraine every day. On top of that, almost all of my muscles in my arms and legs were shot. It felt like I had done the most epic workout, although I can assure you, I had not. Long story short, I went to the pain specialist and he said he had examined my x-rays and saw no reason that I should be in pain at this point. He said we would do a full CT scan of my head/neck area just to double check. But he said what he really thinks is going on is a central nervous system issue that causes the communication between your brain and your spine to not function correctly. It causes your brain to send strong pain signals when it shouldn't and apparently has a correlation with chronic pain conditions like chronic migraines, fibromyalgia, idiopathic back pain, etc. He said that the surgery not going well and leaving me in pain for months could have essentially shocked my central nervous system into creating "repeat" pain signals, and the fact that I’m already predisposed to chronic pain disorders (i.e. migraines) lends credence to this diagnosis. I have never heard of this before. Ever. But I’m also not a doctor who has specialized in pain for 30 years, so I said, "Okay, Cool. How do we get my central nervous system to do what it's supposed to do?" Well, this guy starts laughing. Like, LMAO level laughing. And I'm just sitting there staring at him. He's like, "If only it were that simple! No, no, this unfortunately isn't something that can be cured. But we can manage it well with the right treatment plan." I was totally shocked. I'm in my twenties. I was like WTF. He was like, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's meet again in 2 weeks and go over your CT scan results and then we can go from there." So I’ll go back early next week for that. But I've just been floating through the past couple weeks totally confused. Scientifically, I don't understand how that all works. Like how pain signals work or why they wouldn't be working correctly. Is it a mental illness? Like, am I making up being in pain? And also, why would I do that? And how do I stop? Like, I'm just... confused? On top of that, the world is a complete and utter shitshow right now. The COVID numbers in my state (and a lot of states/countries) are the worst they’ve ever been right now and it hasn’t even gotten really cold outside yet. It’s impossible to avoid the news because I know several people who are actively sick right now. I have employees at work who are sick and I feel guilty because I’m working at home while they’re having to be in the field risking their health. Every time one of them gets sick, the employees who were around them have to be quarantined until they can get tested. I’ve had one employee quarantined 3 times since March- and I’ve had to actively advocate for her to be able to stay home until her test results get back every single time. One time early on it took 14 days to get her results back and the executive team was on my case for it every day saying that if she has no symptoms she’s fine and should be back working. I’m incredibly nervous about the election next week. I keep telling myself that I’ve done everything that I can do. Everyone I know has already voted too. There’s nothing left that can really be done. We just have to wait and see. I want to have faith in my country and believe that they’re going to do the right thing, but I have no hope left. After spending the past 4 years attempting to understand Trump supporters, there’s just no way to hold any faith at this point. I’ve gone out of my way to try to have those discussions, for my own sanity, to understand why and how someone can possibly still defend and vote for Trump. For the longest time I believed that I was just missing something. That if I had the right discussions with the right people, I would be able to at least see where they’re coming from in a logical way. But it simply is not going to happen because they are not logical thinkers. Every single conversation I’ve had with one of them has ended with them talking loudly over me or calling me names. Every time I’ve brought up something indefensible, they’ve pivoted to talking about someone else. The conversations take the same form of: Wife: I can’t believe you cheated on me! Husband: I can’t believe you FORGOT to turn on the DISHWASHER 3 years ago. I wanted to use my SESAME STREET cup but you left it dirty over night. You can guess which hypothetical person is the Trump supporter. And I’m talking every.single.conversation. I’ve engaged in with them. The exact same fucking talking points. Do they have a secret underground manual that I don’t have access to?  What about Hillary Clinton’s emails? (Even though Trump’s own family has used personal phones and computers for confidential emails.) I just think he’s funny. He doesn’t care to speak his mind! He’s just being a troll/joking. (As though having a troll in the most powerful position in our country is a good thing.) COVID is a liberal hoax, but it was also manmade in a Chinese lab then deliberately spread, but also it doesn’t exist and will go away on November 4th. (I have heard this several times.) I don’t care if it’s hypocrisy to push through a new Supreme Court justice in 2 weeks after refusing to even hear it for 9 months when the shoe was on the other foot. (Which is what it boils down to: “I don’t care about things or people who don’t align with my views.”) “Well, I’ve decided I don’t want to talk about politics even though I brought it up first.” (Best case scenario response from a Trump supporter usually said after they’ve made themselves known as a Trump supporter but realize they’re not going to ‘win’ an argument defending him. They’re non-confrontational, but will still vote for Trump. Also, talking about leadership response to a global pandemic isn’t really ‘political’ as much as it’s just natural when a thousand people are dying a day.)And if you dare to bring up any of the things in parentheses, they start talking over you loudly, calling you a socialist/communist, etc. Basically just covering their ears and going “LA LA LA LA LA.” Absolutely pointless to try to have a mature, genuine conversation with them. I think deep down, they know that they’re wrong. They know that the president is heartless and completely lacks empathy. They’re happy because he lacks empathy toward the same people who they also lack empathy toward. The interests are perfectly aligned. When pushed, they’ll laugh or resort to name calling because they know there are no words they can formulate to actually defend Trump or his administration. If they were able to, they 100% would. But because they know there isn’t anything they can say, they revert to laughing and saying they don’t care, talking about someone else who has either done the same bad thing or less bad things than Trump, or telling you that you’re a Marxist which indicates that they know nothing about Marxism, economics, sociology, or politics. On top of that, they refuse to admit when they’re wrong. Instead of looking at our country’s COVID numbers and the deaths of their fellow citizens and saying, “Ah, fuck, I should probably just wear a mask properly when I’m around other humans” they choose to either not wear a mask, wear a ‘fake’ mask that has holes in it to make a political statement, or wear their mask around their neck or chin. They’re literally getting us sick and killing us by being so incredibly anti-science. This isn’t ever going to end because they’re also going to refuse a mask + refuse a vaccine. Their mission is to get as many people sick as possible because of reasons I haven’t quite figured out. They’re probably doing it as a joke. My employees have told me that they regularly deal with people who put masks on to enter our locations and then take them off and put them in their pocket as soon as they get in the building. They’ve told me that almost invariably that the people are either wearing Trump/MAGA apparel, apparel that calls COVID a liberal hoax, or start screaming about Trump and their constitutional freedom when confronted and asked to put a mask on. We’ve been dealing with this issue since March. I have personally had people literally quit their jobs because they were either threatened with physical harm, coughed on, spit on, or shoved when they’ve told these people that they have to put a mask on in order to be in the building because there is a fucking pandemic. They’re sincerely bad people who want to cause physical harm and illness to others. Their behavior and lack of interest in protecting the citizens of our country is about as unAmerican as I can imagine. I get sick of sitting in meetings talking about how we can possibly keep people safe and meet government mandates on masks while also protecting our customers and employees from our country’s own citizens. Like, wtf world are we living in. It’s an absolute fucking nightmare every single day. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few weeks. It’s scary. Our country is so divided and so incredibly angry. Despite everything, I have no interest in harm befalling anyone. I don’t want anything bad to happen. I don’t want either side fighting. I just don’t see any way that’s going to actually happen. With the temperature so heated between people, the lack of confidence Trump has instilled in the voting process, and the fact that they’ve basically already said they won’t accept the election results if Trump loses, we really have no way of knowing what’s going to happen. We don’t know what the reaction is going to be no matter which way the vote falls. Even if it isn’t close, even if Biden wins in a landslide for example, I don’t think that’s going to be an accepted result. I hope that I’m wrong and that Trump will slink away silently. I hope that our country will begin to take the pandemic seriously and begin to repair itself. I don’t see how it’s possible, but I hope. I know this isn’t the most popular opinion on this site. I don’t care at this point because I have very little to lose. Best luck to all of us in the coming weeks/months. Wear a proper mask and wear it properly if you’re not both homicidal and suicidal. Examine your belief system. Research “both sides” thoroughly using reputable resources (hint: Facebook and your drunk neighbor shouting over the fence are not reputable resources). Think about the world you want to see for future generations and your future descendants who will be straight/gay/black/white/brown. Imagine them reading your 2020 blog or journal. Would they be disappointed by your belief system? Embarrassed? Are you sad or pleased when you read belief systems from the 1800s? Or would they be proud? Are your beliefs admirable? Logical? Rational? Empathetic? Kind-hearted? Thoughtful? Write a list of your beliefs in Column A. Write a list of how you came to believe each thing in Column B. What research did you do? What are your sources for that research? What are the alternative beliefs? What words would you associate with your beliefs vs. the alternative beliefs? How did you reach those conclusions? What other perspectives could you try on? Who could you talk to who might have different experiences? Have you made the effort to calmly reach out to them and have a discussion? How are you biased? How are others biased? What can you do today to rid yourself of biases and negative preconceived notions? Examine yourself with an open and honest heart. Step outside of yourself. Stop settling for comfort in what you’ve always believed or what you were taught to believe. Think for yourself. And above all for my US friends... Vote your conscience.  |
| I thought I'd update because it has been a few weeks. As I mentioned several weeks ago, I’m no longer doing things with my free time that I don’t feel doing. I’m doing relatively okay-ish, primarily because I’m aggressively pursuing the things I do want to do. I’m trusting myself to make my own decisions. I’m allowing myself to acknowledge emotions without being overtaken by them. I’m eliminating myself from spaces where I don’t feel appreciated. I’m making myself unavailable to people who expect me to serve their purpose rather than my own. In short, I’m not carrying favor with a lot of people right now.  I have several friends who aren’t really communicating with me; I’m not really communicating with them. It’s difficult when you know people care about you, but your ideal path for yourself differs from their ideal path for you. I try to listen and take advice where I can, but, ya know... I’m admittedly being hedonistic. But I think I’m doing it for the right reasons. Which has been making me think lately, can you do the wrong thing for the right reasons? As long as I don’t harm anyone else in the process, I’m failing to see why I shouldn’t freely choose what I do even if it turns out to be a mistake in the end. It actually surprises me a little bit how surprised the people around me are when I firmly make a decision and don’t sway on it. I’ve had multiple conversations over the past month that are basically like, “I don’t want you to do X thing.” And my response is, “I’ve already chosen to do X thing.” And they’re appalled, like, “But I don’t want you to do X thing.” I guess I didn’t realize how many people were hanging around me with conditions. As in, you’re going to do/not do what I say or we’re not really talking anymore. I haven’t talked to a couple of my friends in weeks because they quickly dipped out when I didn’t back down from my decisions. And I’m being a little unfair here. Obviously, they do care about me or they wouldn’t be trying to control what I do. They want me to make good decisions and they don’t trust me to make those decisions for myself. I had the opposite conversation today where someone wanted me to do something rather than wanting me to not do something. For story’s sake, I’ll clarify that he wanted me to come hook up with him. When I told him that wasn’t something that was going to happen, he was furious. “This year has been really hard for me. You know I’m depressed and it would cost you nothing to come hang out for an hour. How can you be so selfish!?” Oh, the humanity. Have I really been such a people pleaser that I can’t simply tell someone “no” without it turning into a thing? That’s what I’ve had an interesting time doing this year. Just being more honest and more clear with what I want and need. I’m being more direct about how I feel. People don’t enjoy it. I’ve been able to do this through self-care though. I eat healthy food, drink a lot of water, write in my journal, read a ton, and probably most importantly- meditate. I meditate on things before I talk about them. I meditate before I make a decision. When I’m upset, I meditate so that I can explore the emotion. I try to break it down almost analytically. My starting off point is like, “I can’t believe this. Fuck that dude. I’m so pissed off.” Hands shaking, heart racing, all that meltdown kind of stuff. But then I go off by myself, do some deep breathing exercises, and meditate. Then I’m calm enough to explore it, like: Okay, what does pissed off actually mean? Well, it means I’m angry. Okay, why are you angry? Because he’s not listening to me. Why does it matter to you if he listens or not? Because I always listen to him and I trusted him to do the same. Then it’s more bite-sized so I can digest the fact that I’m not “pissed off” so much as I’m feeling hurt/rejected/betrayed/disrespected/scared or whatever else. Next, I explore why I’m feeling those things and then finally does it even matter that I feel those things. That’s how I get to, “I’m feeling disappointed with that conversation because I’m scared that he will reject me if he doesn’t see my perspective and I don’t feel like I was heard. But I understand that I don’t require his approval as long as I approve of myself. I’m choosing to let go of this situation for the time being because I’m not in control of how he reacted. His feelings are just as valid as mine and I’m sorry for both of us that we can’t resolve this issue for the time being.” And then I end the conversation with myself with an affirmation like, “I’m learning from my past self and evolving into someone better.” It might sound lame. It’s okay if it does. As someone who has borderline personality disorder, my emotions are incredibly intense and difficult for me to truly understand. Those initially shaky-handed ‘I’m so pissed off’ moments have gotten me into so much trouble. Every time I can sit with those negative emotions and accept that I’m going to feel them without resorting to negative impulsive actions it's a huge personal win for me. It’s provides me with proof that I can trust myself. So that’s what I’ve been doing the past few weeks. Making my own decisions which may or may not be mistakes, acknowledging my emotions without acting on them, and figuring out some of my relationships. I hope you’re all well? “It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” ~ Marcus Aurelius |
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