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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Enchanting Ghost [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise"  Prompt: “Real beauty is in the fragility of your petals. A rose that never wilts isn’t a rose at all.” ~Crystal WoodsAbout roses or people, do you agree? 100% agree. And I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me, there is absolutely power in fragility. There is power in vulnerability. I hate this societal idea that pervades every aspect of life pushing the narrative that only analytical, logical things have value. Fuck that and fuck you. I'm analytical for 50 hours a week while I do accounting. I'm not going to spend my free time patting myself on the back for making astute, surface-level observations on a litany of bullshit. Whatever. I'm off topic already. How emotionally stunted of me. The fact that we applaud people for 'rising above' anything that has emotional depth grosses me out. Growing up isn't my forte. In my late teens/early twenties, people were more tolerant of me and my #issues. In my late twenties, it's incredibly difficult to get anyone to see me as anything other than emotionally crippled and immature. Who could have guessed that untreated mental illnesses don't just go away? No one could have predicted that I wouldn't "outgrow" a lifetime of deep trauma by age 25. It's difficult for me to even communicate with other humans at this point. I have all this shit that goes down in my life, and yeah, 90% of it is probably me fault, but that isn't really the point. The point is that it's hard to go from the shit I experience on a daily basis to having a normal conversation with another adult human. Every time I talk to someone, I feel like I'm making a dialogue choice in a video game that is going to determine whether I gain or lose favor with the other person. It's hard to even respond to, "Oh, hey, how are you doing?" "What have you been up to today?" Do I fucking lie? Is that what normal, mature adults do? I've gotten to the point where people are so sick of hearing the same shit from me that I could say the craziest fucking thing is up and they're essentially like, "Ah, I see..." Like, no one wants to be that fucking person. But my options are like do I just lie to this person's face and have all of our conversations go like, "Hey, how are you doing?" "Fine, you?" "Yeah, I'm good too, I was just reading this book about a dog that found its way back to its owner after being lost for two years and..." That's great sometimes, but with the absolute hellhole of a backdrop I have going on, I will instantly fucking dissociate during these conversations. I don't even feel like a real person who is present in the moment. I don't even feel like I exist. Especially because I've gotten to the point with people where I can tell them what's going on and they'll still tell me about the book about the dog who found its owner after being missing for two years. Literally, "Hey, dude, what's up?" "Ah, I just got my fucking ass handed to me. I'm losing my mind; I need to get the fuck out of here." "That's cool, I was just reading this book about a dog that found its way back to its owner..." From a comedic standpoint, fucking hilarious. From a human standpoint, I completely depersonalize and derealize in that moment. I feel like I don't matter, I guess? And like regardless of what I responded with, you were going to tell me about the dog book. It isn't other people's fault, really. I don't know what can be expected of others, especially because every shitty thing in my life is directly related to having borderline personality disorder. I'm just insanely impulsive and self-punishing. My relationships are an absolute clusterfuck because I allow them to be, because I don't know how to accept love that isn't toxic. Any time I try to extricate myself from a shitty situation, I feel a high level of guilt for 'abandoning' the situation. And if we're being real, I don't believe I deserve to be free of bad things in the first place, so that kills the motivation a bit. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't openly share things with people. It's part of the impulsiveness of my mental health disorder. Oversharing things that people don't really give a fuck about is kind of a trademark of BPD. Then later you're embarrassed like, why did I even try to talk to that person about something they have absolutely zero interest in? Then you hate yourself a little bit more and it just cycles that way endlessly. And I'm always reminded of being 16 and obviously being kicked out of my parents house. And having my older brother look me directly in my eyes and call me a burden. I've never been able to escape the feeling I felt then. That feeling of like, You're an annoyance to others. You don't bring anything valuable to the table. People would be better off without you... It isn't fair or reasonable to put your fragility and sensitivity on other people. It's not fair to expect for someone to continuously uplift you from situations you willingly put yourself in. I think what's hard to understand is that in the moment, I really don't care. I'm so full of self-rage that I don't care if I've put myself in a dangerous situation. I don't care that someone is being aggressive or violent with me. I don't care if someone beats the fuck out of me. I don't care about the money. My mind completely blanks out. It's like someone choking you and your vision is starting to grey out. And I'm just like, fucking kill me. please. It's almost cathartic in a way because all of my fears, all of my anxieties that have led me to that moment, are just gone. It's like if you jumped off a roof and you didn't care because you'd already leapt? Those moments are so peaceful for me because it's too late and it was in my control. The situation is out of control, but I made an active choice within my control and now whatever happens, happens. I just feel so calm. But then, inevitably, when I survive the encounter, I have days of emptiness that follow. I have deep shame and guilt because I'm so angry at myself. I'm in physical and mental pain, but I still have to act normal. So I talk to someone and they're like, "Hey, how are you, I'm going to tell you about this dog book regardless of how you're doing, but go ahead and tell me so we can move on to the part where I tell you about the dog book." And it feels like my experiences aren't real. Like, the juxtaposition makes me dissociate and makes me feel so abnormal and just nonexistent. Because I feel so nonexistent, I end up cycling back to it because I need to feel something again. I'm not even doing it for the money at this point, I'm just doing it so I can feel like a person who exists for an hour. It just loops like that endlessly. People who know me more intimately are just like, "Holy fuck, dude, just stop." But I can't. Because I'm completely disconnected from the world and everything around me and I need to briefly connect myself to something. So, to the people who say or imply that people shouldn't be fragile or shouldn't be vulnerable (especially openly/publicly), this is what you're dismissing. This is what you're brushing off as worthless. Oh, and P.S. I started doing drugs again. Bye. Did you cut your hands on me? Are my edges sharp? Am I a pest to feed? |
I'll keep this brief for everyone's sake...  But, I've decided to open "Invalid Item" back up in some capacity. It's going to look a lot different than before and it's going to be easier on everyone (especially me) to run.When I got the idea for the group back in 2018, I was really just prompted by seeing people posting a lot of their struggles on the newsfeed, in their blogs, and through their writing on the site. I thought it would be great to have a place where people could congregate and rant about whatever's on their mind, support each other, and talk about writing things that are related to mental health. Of course, I had a lot of difficulty running the group the way I had planned because I myself have mental health issues that impede my ability to do basic shit that everyone else can do easily.  But, I had a lot on my side because I had a lot of wonderful donors (huge shoutout to Fivesixer  , Hannah ♫♥♫  , and Lilli 🧿 ☕  , and others.) In fact, the group still has quite a few GPs in it just sitting there.Nothing happened that made me close the group. It was just one of those things where your mental health is cracking and everything in your sight is like, "No, I'm done. I'm done." So that's what happened with the group a few months ago. I figured I'd end up reopening at some point in the future, but this second reiteration is NOT going to look like the first go-around. Primarily because: 1. I'm not tracking participation in anything. Ever. 2. I'm not guaranteeing prizes for participation. Ever. You participate if you want, when you want. I'm not keeping a tracker of whether you've participated or not and I'm not going to give you a reward just for being around. Straight up. So instead of having a monthly challenge and private support forum, I've just created ONE forum that is open to the entire WDC community.
This is a spot to rant about whatever's on your mind, post your writing, discuss anything going on in your world, review other people's writing, support each other, etc. You don't have to be a group member to participate although you can be if you want to receive emails. And I'm only going to do 3 things each Sunday (which should add up to maybe 10 minutes total): 1. Updating the spotlighted "WDC Friend in Need" member. The WDC Friend in Need is someone who has been nominated by the community to receive a little extra love that week whether it's because they're stressed out, posted something in the newsfeed about losing their job, they've lost a family member, they're ill, they're going through a breakup, or they're just struggling and general and could use a little uplift via reviews, MBs, awardicons, raffle tickets, cNotes, or messages of support. You can nominate people for this spotlight and get more information here:
2. Updating the weekly discussion topic. I'm going to post a weekly discussion topic in the forum just to keep the conversation flowing or in case anyone wants to participate but doesn't know where to start. Forum conversation is in no way limited to that discussion topic. It's just there if you need it. 3. Updating the weekly writing prompt. This is just a creative writing prompt that you can use for writing a poem, story, blog entry, whatever. You can post your completed work in the forum if you want and maybe someone will read it and comment/review it. This will be a lot easier for me to manage because I won't have to track who's doing what and because there's no set rewards attached to it, I can just enjoy supporting people who need support instead of trying to make sure everything is being done "fairly" for the group's sake. Also, you'll be happy to know that I'm not changing anything else with this group. It's one support forum open to everyone on the site. If the forum dies off because there isn't a need for it, it's no issue for me. At least then I can say in naturally fizzled out instead of me pulling the plug because I had a BPD episode. I know that there's a need for this type of forum in some capacity. I've had people asking me if I'm ever planning to reopen since I closed it, especially with everything that's going on in the world right now. I see people posting in their blogs and in the newsfeed all the time, clearly reaching out and getting little to no support.If we can get the group into the hands of the people who need it, at the very least I'll be able to provide some level of support for those people, even if it's just me alone. I'm going to tag some people though who I think might be able to help me get the word out that I'm reopening the group (without making me sound like a total tool for closing it in the first place. SB Musing  , Elle - on hiatus  , Kåre Enga in Montana  , ~Minja~ , 🌑 Darleen - QoD , Jayne  , Schnujo is Late to Lannister  , ⭐Princette♥PengthuluWrites  . and ruwth  . Yeah, I'll start there. Plus the people I tagged earlier.  If you made it this far, thanks. That was "brief" in my world.  |
Artist: The Cribs Song: Be Safe [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Prompt: The Seven Social Sins are:Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character. Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle. From a sermon given by Frederick Lewis Donaldson in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925.― Frederick Lewis Donaldson. Do you think these social sins still apply? Why or Why not? Short answer: yes. Long answer: These social sins are everywhere we look. Wealth without work? How many wealthy people are old money? Commerce without morality... isn't that called capitalism? Worship without sacrifice? How many allegedly religious people have I met who don't follow any kind of moral compass preached by their religion? Politics without principle? *motions wildly at everything* Today is a difficult day. Like many others I'm sure, I'm emotionally and mentally drained from everything. I mean, there are the regular stressors obviously, still haven't fully recovered from surgery, sleeping like utter shit, getting ready to move, and dealing with office politics at work. I can deal with all those things. Add onto it mass protests, civil unrest, racism, police brutality, a pandemic... Gotta hand it to these protestors, they're little energizer bunnies. They're passionate as fuck and they want shit to change. We had, like, 8000 people peacefully marching through my neighborhood yesterday and I don't think it even got reported anywhere-- probably because nothing bad happened. But more than anything, more than the protests and outliers who are looting, more than the blatant and continuous police brutality, more than our own president threatening to unleash our country's army against its own people... I am most exhausted by random, everyday people. The fact that pointing out that police brutality and racism are bad is somehow divisive just drains my soul. I know this administration has emboldened the worst in people, but I never thought in my lifetime (or in any lifetime after me), that people would get defensive when you say that racism is bad. I mean, really, think about that. In 2010, if you said, "Hey, racism is bad." Can you imagine someone hearing that and being like, "Okay, first of all, how dare you?!" You can't make this shit up. Can a Trump supporter explain to me why you're offended when someone points out racism in our country? Are you guys racist or something?  "But what about-isms" have taken over 40% of our population and it's a mess. I'm not trying to soapbox on it again. I just want to point out how fucking exhausting these past few years have been. Seeing your country's flag in the back window of a vehicle and thinking, fuck, this person is probably racist... And being right about it. Having intelligent family members who are suddenly like, "Yeah, Trump shouldn't have done that BUT WHAT ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON'S EMAILS???" Pointing out that police are disproportionately killing minority groups and having people be like, "Well, maybe they shouldn't have been disrespectful to the random police harassment!" This shit day in and day out for years is exhausting. It has made me so distrusting of others because apparently people were like this all along and were just barely hiding it beneath the surface. You can't even have a conversation with people. They take notes from the president and instantly gaslight you, deflect, deny any culpability, and then claim that they won without you even saying anything. They don't even need you in the room. You don't even need to be part of the conversation. They're the definition of trolls and they've pervaded every aspect of society. It's really sad to me to see our society the way it is. I know I (and so many other people) have tried to understand and be openminded to those whose opinions differ from our own. I will always defend someone's right to think differently than me and I've always tried to put myself into other people's shoes and actively listen to them when they're explaining their perspective. This is the only way we can grow as a society. Knowing that this method doesn't currently work is crushing. We'll never unify or understand each other this way. We're always going to be at odds with one another. Maybe some people don't care about that, but I do. It's hard for me to just dismiss an entire group (especially such a high percentage of people) that way. I'm like, there has to be something that I'm missing here, but I just can't find the pieces to put it together. And they're no help at all because they'll just toss the puzzle on the ground, piss on it, and then, for some weird reason, claim victory. So, alright, maybe I soapboxed a little. Wasn't intentional. My point is that this is just an incredibly difficult time for everyone, and I'm not immune to that. As someone who already has mental health issues, I have trouble staying positive when we aren't facing all the external issues that we are now. Not being able to understand something, no matter how hard I work at bridging the gap, is frustrating. My brain feels like it's working through molasses with all of this. Let's take life and slow it down incredibly slow Frame by frame |
Artist: Tupac Song: Changes [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "JAFBG" Prompt: Half a century ago, the amazing courage of Rosa Parks, the visionary leadership of Martin Luther King, and the inspirational actions of the civil rights movement led politicians to write equality into the law and make real the promise of America for all her citizens. -David Cameron What happened to equality? How did we turn back the clock of time and commit the same horrible crimes that were a a social norm before Rosa and Martin's time? Your thoughts about what's happening across the United States. What happened to equality in our country is that our country never had equality. Our country was not built on high religious morals or fairness. It wasn't built on the grounds of treating every person with equality. Throughout our country's history, people have put their lives on the line again and again just to be given the chance to be treated as an equal human being. What we're seeing right now is not a repetition of issues that existed during the civil rights movement. These aren't a repeat of police brutality from the early nineties. We have not reverted. This is a continuation of issues that were never resolved. We see them more now only because everyone has a camera in their pocket and they're recording and sharing these injustices now. Think of how many times injustices have occurred without a random citizen around to record it on their phone. As for why issues with racism, police brutality, and social injustices have never been resolved, look at the people around you. Nothing is ever going to change as long as we have people saying, "Yeah, it's bad that the police are murdering people in broad daylight while citizens record them and beg them to stop, BUT it's not okay to damage property." Those two things are not even on the same plane of existence in terms of evil. Imagine the person you love the most in the world. Your best friend, your spouse, your child, your sibling, your parent, laying facedown in the street begging for help as they're slowly being suffocated to death while people that don't even know are recording and screaming for the police to stop killing you. Can you imagine how fucking outraged you would be? As long as we have people dismissing these actions, we are never going to make progress. "Yeah, it was a senseless murder but ALL lives matter including the cops!" What a piece of work these people are. When black people are being disproportionately targeted with excessive police brutality, for your response to be, "But wait a minute! Don't say that black lives matter because everyone's lives matter!" You need some inner reflection. This is the equivalent of saying: "Why are you having a walk for diabetes? All diseases matter." This is specifically used as a measure to dismiss the issue at hand. "You're over here raising money for diabetes research when my grandfather died of Alzheimer's last year." Both issues are important. Right now, our cause is focusing on raising money for diabetes research. I will never, ever understand how people so flippantly dismiss the black lives matters movement by saying that everyone's life is important. It's a gross technique used to twist the purpose behind the movement so that it will sound like black people are selfishly saying that their lives are the only lives of any race that matter. Once you've contorted the message, you can feel more comfortable dismissing it, which was your only goal in the first place. People who remain silent in the face of injustices and brutality are complicit. People who go out of their way to actively fight against movements to end injustices and brutality are more than complicit. If you were back in school and a kid who regularly got bullied said, "My life matters, guys." Would you stand there and say, "Hey, kid, everyone's life matters at this school. The bullies' lives also matter." and then just stand there while the kid continues to get his ass kicked? Until we can come together as society and stop dismissing these issues, they are never going to actually change. When race issues get brought up, people feel accosted. They feel personally offended and will, almost 100% of the time, start giving you the details of their racial makeup, who they're friends with, who they know. That shit doesn't matter. Stop focusing on yourself for a couple minutes and look at what is going on in our country. The only way to enact change is to acknowledge things that don't fit into your personal narrative. Don't dismiss an entire movement because there have been some cases of looting. For every case of looting or rioting you can show me, I can show you 5 cases of police brutality that have occurred in the past week alone. We need common sense police reform in this country.We need people who genuinely love and care about other humans. People who are willing to actively listen, without becoming defensive, to the perspectives of people who have not lived the same life as them. People who are willing to inwardly reflect, to educate themselves on history, to look at events without the lens of their chosen political affiliation. Until these things happen, we are doomed to endless generations of inequality. Your children, your children's children, and their children's children are going to be looking back wondering why they're still having to fight this fight. I got love for my brother but we can never go nowhere Unless we share with each other We gotta start making changes Learn to see me as a brother instead of two distant strangers |
Artist: Rage Against The Machine Song: Killing In The Name Of [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "JAFBG" Prompt: What current rules, restrictions or guidelines do you disagree with or chafe at, and why?Yeah, I know this prompt was written for coronavirus rules. Don't give a fuck, let's go. Let me tell you, when this shit all started going down last week, I was looking at it from the frame of mind of someone who has been isolated for 3 months, doing everything fucking possible to avoid getting ill or passing the virus onto other people. I only go to the grocery store twice a month. I wear a mask any time I'm outside of my house. The preservation of human life couldn't be more important to me and when I see over a hundred thousand people dead in 4 months and I see massive amounts of people gathering, all I could think was fuuuuuuuck. I'm saying that to add color to what I'm about to say which is... holy shit. Way to make me flip the script. When you have someone who has been quarantined for 3 months changing their mind on mass group gatherings during a global pandemic, you sincerely fucked up. All I've got is one question— Where the fuck are the Constitution warriors? Where ya guys at? You were flipping the fuck out a few weeks ago about small businesses being closed, not being able to get haircuts, and the government telling you what you can/cannot do. Where the fuck you at now? I saw some of them even here on WDC, posting in the newsfeed about how unconstitutional it is to tell people that they can't operate a business during a global pandemic. Where you at? Haven't seen one fucking word about the President of the United States threatening to unleash "thousands and thousands" of military forces to "dominate" the streets across America. That's not stepping on your constitutional rights? Curfews at 1pm isn't stepping on your constitutional rights? Being refused your first amendment right to peaceful assembly isn't stepping on your constitutional rights? Your fellow countrymen are being physically attacked at peaceful protests every day. You cool with that? Almost makes me think ya'll aren't so concerned about the Constitution. Almost makes me think you're protecting something else. Wonder what it could be??  Did people not see the peaceful protestors in DC physically attacked so that Trump could have a photo op after declaring war against his country's own citizens? Don't turn a blind eye. Here is a 50-page document full of shit. Don't have time for 50 pages? What about 2 minutes ? There is no excuse. There is nothing that anyone can tell me that is going to change my mind. If you support our president, if you support him declaring war on his own citizens, if you support police brutality, you are anti-American and no friend of mine. I've had days to think about this as shit has been raging on in my own backyard. It's hard when you have opportunists taking advantage of a chaotic situation to go destroy businesses and loot shit. Your first reaction when this is happening outside of your window is just.make.it.stop. I think that's a natural human reaction to a distressing situation. But there's no way to prevent these advantageous criminals, just like there's no way to stop the spread of coronavirus at this point. It's too late. And the consequences of that are likely going to be devastating. I hate the timing of this. I think it likely couldn't be a worse time for this to be happening. And I'm furious about it. I'm furious about it because we've been down this fucking road before and nothing changed. Why is it so controversial to end racism and police brutality? How is this even a polarizing issue between political parties? Now during the middle of a global pandemic, we have to have all these people out in the streets shoulder to shoulder with each other, screaming, coughing from tear gas, etc. It's a complete and utter nightmare that could have been prevented, just like George Floyd's death could have been prevented if even 1 of the 4 police officers present with power would have made the absolute minimum amount of effort to preserve human life. Instead, we get to watch Trump fully launch the dictatorship he has been building up for years and we get to see what the police truly think of the citizens that they're allegedly supposed to protect. What we've seen in the past few days is a police state and a government that is infringing on its citizens rights and declaring war against them. The amount of peaceful protestors vs. the rioters is not even comparable. I have seen and heard so many times where people are peacefully protesting and are attacked at random by an insanely aggressive, militant police force. How embarrassing. And all I've been waiting for is the people who were all for the re-open protests a few weeks ago who claimed that the government was infringing on their rights to show their faces now and stand up for the rights of their fellow Americans who are being brutalized for exercising their first amendment right. Where are they? Or does the first amendment right only apply to things that they agree with? I was against the re-open protests because I thought it was too dangerous and too soon to open given the opinions of epidemiologists, scientists, and doctors. But over my dead body would I have suggested tear gassing them, shooting them with rubber bullets, or beating them with batons. Like, what in the actual fuck. They stormed a state house open carrying weapons and the police didn't do anything because of their first amendment right. But we have people peacefully protesting with no weapons, just the shirt on their back, and we're cool with them being slammed to the ground, pepper sprayed, tear gassed, just so the president can hold a bible up for a photo op? If you're not actively coming out against this brutality and infringement of constitutional rights at this point but were willing to come out to defend re-open protestors' rights, you're fucking twisted. And with that, here is a list of places needing donations to support the cause. You can do this safely from your house. There are also cleanup efforts in almost every major city and it's easy to social distance while attending, so check those out in your area.Now you're under control and now you do what they told ya. |
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