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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 23:33 I started writing a blog easily enough - doing so every day it helps me get my absolute minimum of daily ten minutes of writing, regardless of the quality of that writing or the word count. But for what purpose do blogs really exist? Is it entertainment? Not sure how I do with that! Is it providing strangers a glimpse into one's life? Meh. Maybe they're just for random stuff because...why not? I figured I could read back over the entries I've written but the idea doesn't appeal to me very much - so apologies if I start blathering on about things I've written about before. I've tried to make use of this space more practically before, with mixed results. I've tried to write an entry from the POV of one of my characters (which wasn't very good). I've tried to plan a novel on here. I've explored a bit of my past, although that was largely due to a task I was told to do for college. Maybe if I was more involved on WDC, I'd have more to talk about. But these days, I am being especially lazy. Maybe it's the (intermittently) warm weather. Maybe it's the fact that my husband has gone to Pakistan for several weeks. Maybe it's the mountain-load of college work I have to finish before mid-September which I am finding too daunting to even begin. Maybe it's the impending deadline for the novel I started on here, which is to be finished by the 8th. I don't know! I'd like to do prompts for my entries again, but like everything else in my life at the moment, I can't be bothered. It's far too much work to click on the link at the side of the page and scroll down to see what the daily prompt is. Don't even get me started on uploading my entry! It requires astronomical amounts of willpower to link my work to a forum post. It's too much. You might as well ask me to run a marathon. Ok, starting to fall asleep at the computer. That means I'd best go to sleep. It's so easy to decide I better get to bed when I've promised myself I'll do some writing! When I feel I have to stay up to read manga or watch a movie, I'm absolutely fine! 23:51 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:53 I've done stupid things in my time - who hasn't? But you would think that I would think twice before pulling an all-nighter to read some dumb-ass manga when I'm already suffering from lack of sleep, have a back problem that makes sitting on a stiff chair for hours on end a very bad idea, and have a small child who will not let me have a lie in come morning. Oh, and of course, while I was reading this manga, I was supposed to have been writing. And then, through most of today, I finished reading this crappy manga...and then decided to watch a movie on Netflix! I can practically feel my vision getting worse from all the screen-staring I've done. So much for laser eye surgery! What really makes me so annoyed with myself though is that the story is sort of starting to hit its stride and I went and ignored it in favour of some entertainment which should have been transient but because I have no self-restraint when it comes to things like this, it lasted way too long. If I'd spent an all-nighter working on my story - and actually sat to work on it rather than fallen asleep in the chair - I would have had a large chunk of it done by now. All-nighters for writing only happen when the inspiration has hit hard. Anyways, took a bit of a break. Not even a break - I think my mind wandered for a bit and I started watching YouTube videos of Keanu Reeves, just to see what his take was on his performance in Always be My Maybe, which was the movie I watched earlier. His scenes were hilarious! And I should go before I find something else that grabs my attention, ending with me leaving my blog entry hanging until four in the morning or something. 23:23 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:54 I've always felt a bit curious about how characters interact off the page. Do conversations ever peter out with friends, family, and life-partners? This has been a bit of...a concern, I guess. Not just as a writer, but a reader too. Particularly if one of the characters is portrayed as a bit standoffish or arrogant. I guess family and friends aren't that big of a deal - if the character has friends, then they know what he/she is like and have chosen to accept them as they are. Family is family - there will always be complications, right? But what about the person they see every single day? Sometimes for the entirety of those days? Then is the relationship that is presented between these two people believable? Or does all the important stuff in their relationship happen on-page, leaving it to the reader's imagination to figure out how the rest of it goes? If characters only ever talk about what is currently happening in the story, then what do they discuss in mundane situations? Do they just stay quiet? I know I'm mincing over details here. But it's always been a bit of a concern of mine that, even in real life, at some point or another, there will be no more topics of conversation and everyone will just stay silent. But this is from a long time ago, when my world was still idealistic and I trusted people. I know now that conversations will never stop because if you run out of good things to say, or at least things that concern only you, you could always turn to gossip or all the crap that's happening in the world. The topics are endless. There's some new drama happening somewhere in the world. Or maybe next-door. This was what I came to when thinking of what I should write about. I hope it's been a good read. I guess I could have done better. I'm trying not to start my entries with "I'm so tired" or "I'm feeling so lazy". Because that's just...yeah... 11:06 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:22 Today has been exhausting. I woke up at half six and was disoriented for a while, thinking why I'm up that early when my son hasn't yet woken. Then I remembered that I had to get ready for the trip and make sure the kids were ready. I fell asleep on the coach (on the way, my three-year-old told me to go to sleep - as if that all I'm good for!) He was grouchy for pretty much the entire day. I left him in my friend's care while I went to use the bathroom but he came up after me to be all clingy. I went on one ride without him, and he was pretty upset about that. He did cheer up when it was just the two of us for a short while, although the grouchiness came back when our travel companions returned. On the coach coming back, he had a little rest so when we got home, for an hour or so before I put him to bed, he was so upbeat. Maybe it's just the age? He likes being around people, but it takes a while for the excitement to sink in. By that time, we have to return home lol. I watched a couple episodes of Umbrella Academy with my cousin, who had previously heard of it but not seen it yet. Then I thought I'd better get some writing done, although I'm yawning every two seconds so I don't know how good of a job I'll do. It's not going well. I don't think I'll be able to finish by 8th August. I'm being super lazy and the story isn't really that appealing to me anyway. It's not my usual way of working. I feel confined because I have a good idea of what's supposed to happen, but writing out all the parts in-between the major plot points is a real pain in the backside. My college assignments are weighing me down too. I've made a few minor additions to the one that just needs some corrections but not really progressed much. The two other...Ugh, I can't even think about them right now. And I haven't been looking into placements. Bad Shiki! Bad! How does one get rid of laziness? Anyone got any helpful tips? 23:34 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:27 It's been quite an eventful day. I took my young cousin to meet my family and things were good, until a certain member of the family had to ruin it all for me. I take criticisms very badly, whether they're directed at me or my loved ones and even from one loved one to another. I guess by now I should just learn to tune it out but this person has always made me feel small so I'm hyper aware of the things they do and say. But recently, instead of looking at this person from the perspective of a feared and respected adult, I see them as someone who is stubborn and almost childish in the way they deal with conflict and betrayal. But that doesn't change the fact that I am far too reserved to come out and say what I think. My niece and nephew came over to mine earlier this evening so my cousin had a good time catching up with them. Three rowdy kids in the house - even after my little one, the youngest and rowdiest of them all, had gone to bed! But they're not little so I didn't really have to "look after" them, even though that was what my sister usually sends her kids here for. They did their own thing - talked about anime (I'm a good role model for the younger generation XD), played video games, and made a batch of cookies and then pretty much ate all of them alone, with one to spare for my sister when she came to collect her two. We're off to Blackpool Pleasure Beach tomorrow. The weather is going to be horrendous, by the looks of it, but what to do? I've already paid for the coach seats and everything! We'll just have to stick it out. Besides, a day out is a day to somewhere that is different from the same old view my kid sees every day. I'm going to attempt some writing and then get to bed. Just thinking about bed makes me yawn. 23:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 16:30 I feel I haven't done much of anything today. I finally sewed a pair of pants I'd measured and cut several days ago but it's one of four garments that need sewing and making pants doesn't require a whole lot of effort. Plus, it's quite warm here these days, adding to the lazy feeling. I have less than two weeks before I'm due to upload my first draft of the Blugaste story. Still on the introductory chapter. I added a quote to one of my assignments and that was about it. I'm useless. My cousin, who has come to stay a while, has been reading my Rift-Touched novel. The feeling of being able to ask questions about my own story, to see what she thought and whether she found anything amiss, was awesome! I guess it's always going to be like that when someone shows an interest - at least, I hope it will always be like that. I'd hate to get used to that feeling, because everybody's input is valuable with regard to my stories. Any opinion shared can be an opportunity for me to better my work. In other news, back during Ramadan, I was grousing to my friends about how the nice guy character in K-dramas never seems to win his love interest's heart, since it goes to the male lead who's usually brash, arrogant, and really annoying but improves over the course of the story. So I said I would write a story where Mr Nice Guy wins her heart for once. Another project to look into. Hmm...maybe I can do that for Nano this year. Only four months left!!  16:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 00:56 Fifty-six minutes late! I totally forgot that I had a blog entry to do. I took my kitten to the vet at four and then went to my cousin's thereafter, returning home at like ten-fifteen. I tucked my little boy into bed, read my prayers, and then sat down to have a chat with my cousin's daughter, who's come along to spend a few days. Today hasn't been a lazy day. I did a number of things, except after breakfast where I caught up on a few much-needed hours of sleep. I know, I know, sleeping on a full stomach isn't a good practice. Despite these extra hours though, I am still knackered so I'm going to cut this entry a bit short. I'm still writing the Blugaste story, although the going is very slow. I am on my computer for the first time today...although "today" has already turned into "yesterday" and "tomorrow" is "today." This week has been quite hectic overall. My mum came back from Pakistan on Sunday. Pretty much all this week, barring today, I went down and spent the day there. Turns out I'm only cutting it short by one minute. 01:05 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:44 Yesterday, I got a sticker on my car telling me my vehicle wasn't taxed...yeah. So I taxed it for the beginning of August and...now I'm carless! And relying on others to get me places, because clearly it is an affront of me to go anywhere by myself on foot! I don't live a country away from my parents' place but here I am, unable to go back home. My sister was going to take our auntie home and I asked if I could hitch a ride back to my own place and she said agreed. When I got home, I remembered I'd left my keys at my parents'. What an idiot.  Since my sister got back from work, she's not had a chance to just sit down and relax so I feel bad for pressing the issue since we came back to my parents' but I don't want to ask my dad either. And now, like the idiot that I am, I'm sitting here moaning and groaning to myself but not really making any effort to speak to anyone about getting home. Maybe I could ring my brother, but he works odd times and I have no way of knowing where he could be at any given moment so I'm a little hesitant to ask. I guess I could walk out of here but I did some shopping and I have my little one and no pushchair to take him back. Too much hassle. I hate this. I hate having to rely on others. 18:59 Not sure I did a full ten minutes of writing there, as I had a bit of a break in-between. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:58 I wrote an entry last night. I know I did. I stole the advice prompt from the 30DB Challenge to do it. Either it's vanished into the ether after I saved it or...I never saved it. Memory, am I right? In any case, I received an email telling me to update so here we are. I took my kitten in to get neutered today. I'm not too concerned. I feel I don't give him enough attention. I feel bad but I'm so lazy that I can't be bothered being more proactive in his upbringing. I should have gotten an adult cat - they're just as lazy as me, from what I've seen! I wanted a pet that was low maintenance but kittens are very playful and require quite a bit of attention. But since I didn't know anything about animals and since Dean is the first pet I've ever bought, I didn't really have much of an idea how things would be. Plus, I'm easily scared. Animals freak me out. I love em, but they freak me out. So I thought "Let's start out small!" In other news, I've written about 1100 words of the beginning of the new novel. Two weeks and two days before my deadline! 10:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:19 While staring at the empty subject bar waiting for inspiration to hit, I figured I could just talk about that. How inspiration hits, mind. Not empty subject bars. Though they're related in this case, I suppose. It all fits into the way I write. I wait for inspiration to hit while writing, although I'm experimenting with planning things out beforehand, as previous entries will show. (FYI, it's not going well lol.) It starts off with a spark, something to ignite my creativity. A line of poetry or prose which sounds cool at that moment. Or perhaps it's a character doing something. Or just a character with a unique design. I see my characters in manga form, since that's where most of my inspiration comes from. My stories feel a lot like boys' manga. I like staying in my comfort zone. I feel I don't do particularly well writing in genres, since there are rules that I may not be able to abide by, which is why I feel fantasy fits me so well. Fantasy can be an amalgamation of everything. If you feel you don't do the whole world-building, far-flung planets, sword and sorcery types of fantasy very well, you can just stick with fantastical elements in present-day Earth. Or somewhere in-between. I love fantasy! 18:32 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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