%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
|
A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 10:13 I'm quite busy today. Those kinds of days are usually good days. I like being productive, which is weird because...I kind of like being lazy too. Well, no, I don't like being lazy. Being lazy is something that just happens. Well...I don't know. Let's just leave it there. I did make a start on my novel yesterday, like I'd promised myself I would. I got in about 1300 words. And there I was, thinking very optimistically that I'd try and get in 10, 000 words! In fairness, I went to my mum's and there is no computer there so I had a seven hour break which really could have been used better. Although I've resolved to plan out my stories before I begin, I'm struggling with it. I can't visualise what I want my story to be until I've written it, completed it, and then begun anew so I can iron out creases and sort out characterisation so it's all consistent. I get that it's time-consuming but I just can't come to terms with doing it another way. It's coming up with a compelling plot that's the hardest thing, and then thinking of what the ending is going to be before you've even begun writing properly. Let's see if I can do something here. Basic plot: Character A is running from her family. A plot like this requires you to have a reunion with the family, right? So something else. Hmm...Character A has done wrong to Character B and has decided to take herself out of his life. Again, requires the writer to make them meet up at the end. The problem here is that it sounds too simple. I get that you'd add elements as you progress, to make it more riveting, but if the plot is predictable, then I can't demonstrate what I mean because my problem is that I can't typically think of what the ending is going to be. Or maybe I could write any kind of story and just need to buckle down and get on with it. I'm so undisciplined. Well, this entry has been all over the place! It's always interesting to see what I'll write about since, without prompts, I have no idea what kind of things I'll explore. Actually, even with a prompt, I don't know what kind of things I'll explore! 10:32 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 11:26 Pretty straightforward title, right? I was wondering what to write about and my son was climbing onto my chair behind me so I thought, why not! He's got chicken pox right now. You would think he would be a little less of a nuisance when he's ill but noooo, of course not! He's everywhere! Every single thing that I tell him not to do, he does without delay. He seems to have taken a particular liking for the wheely, spinny chair which I'm sat on right now. I don't blame him but I can't do anything when he's trying to push me off! Aside from that, other things which are really getting on my nerves these days are my kitten, who wants to go outside all the time, and my husband, who has also had chicken pox and has been the biggest annoyance around these past week (although he was a lot better yesterday and has since been a lot more human). Basically, I'm annoyed by everything. Maybe there's something here...maybe, in actuality, the problem is...me? X_X Meh. I'm trying to get back into the mindset of writing my novel - manuscript no. ...3.5? Something like that. I'm wasting so much time. I have two assignments that still need doing and I keep putting those off too. But a few days ago, I had a bit of an epiphany. Well, not as much an epiphany as a moment of annoyance at myself (hey, I guess I do have a problem! I annoy even myself!) because it's a pretty obvious thing. If you wait for the "right moment" to come along before you make a start on something, you'll be waiting forever. How do you even tell which moment is right? Is there going to be a holy glow coming from the computer screen, with words magically appearing, telling you that the time is now? If something needs to be done, you need to do it now. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today, right? Not just in writing, but in being a mother too. I keep telling myself that my relationship with my son will be much better as he grows older. I'll shout less and we'll talk more as he starts to understand more. But the foundations I'm setting for him, the too-strict boundaries I want him to adhere to at all costs...won't it just mean he'll rebel later and do whatever he can to not spend time with me? Attitudes and behaviours have a tendency to become habits and I don't want being a harsh and overly strict mom to become my default attitude towards him. This got deep, surprisingly. Anyways, I'm hoping to start working on my novel today! I'll report back tomorrow how I did (if I did), if I remember. 11:45 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:51 "Today, write about an experience that wowed you. When was the last time your jaw fell open? Where were you the last time you felt awe and admiration? As best you can, share your experience in a way that your blog reader can feel the same wonder you felt." This one is pretty easy, actually. I am regularly surprised and awed. By life. By nature. By the ingenuity of human beings as a minute reflection of God's vast creative power. The innocence of children. The smile of a baby. The wide-eyed stare of my often annoying kitten. "But these are everyday things, Shiki!" I hear you say. Yes, they are. And it requires a specific mindset to see the wonder in these everyday things. You have to take a moment. Begin with a deep breath. Let go of the frustrations with people, even if you feel like you want to erupt with a stream of profanities (case in point - my child is bullying my kitten as I type, due to his indignation that I took him off my chair so I could write this). Just take a step back. Look at some greenery. Look at the pattern on the leaves or the shape of the petals on the flower. Study the sky. Yesterday, I think we had clear blue skies for the first time this year! It was lovely. I just sat back, looking up. Not a speck of cloud directly overhead. Just deep, unending, unblemished blue. It was the most beautiful thing ever. The summer sky is perfect. There's an amazing view from the top of my street, before the slope goes down towards the houses. Beyond the ugly-ass dwellings of human beings, there's an expanse of greenery. I think there's a park somewhere behind my house - way beyond a a thick line of trees, some train tracks, and a canal which I cannot see. The view from the top of that slope is of distant hills dotted with trees that look about the size of mushrooms from my vantage point. I see the occasional colourful dot that is a car or other vehicle, but mostly, it's just vast greenery. It's brilliant. Not so much in the autumn but right now, it's beautiful. I know I'm usually quite pessimistic but I guess a love for nature keeps me somewhat balanced. 10:09 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 12:00 I guess the title is pretty self-explanatory. Have I been surprised by something or someone recently? I guess so. New things are happening all the time and people's reactions to old things can change too. I went to a conference last Saturday and one of the speakers was a Palestinian-American lady who projected herself really well. I was just in awe. As someone who is not white, I do sometimes find myself feeling apologetic for the times when my people (Asians in this case, not Muslims) do silly things that don't fit in with "British Values". This lady was not apologetic at all. I guess that sort of attitude is something to aspire to. Other than that, although I've convinced myself that we human beings are garbage collectively, I'm still horror-struck at every story of lowlifes doing lowlife things. It's almost as if I expect that human beings can actually be...humane. Well, yes, I do. I know some nice people. I try to be a nice person (not sure how I'm doing). I know that within each person there is an array of thoughts and feelings and behaviours and defence mechanisms and history both good and bad that makes that individual a human being, and that even the most worthless people probably have some redeeming qualities somewhere, buried deeply under the piles of s*** that they live with on a daily basis. Yeah, I'm feeling kind of pessimistic today. On a plus note, I've nearly finished Oathbringer and my God! It is awesome! I don't want it to end! Does anyone know when the next one is out? 12:11 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 13:37 "Are you (or were you ever) a thrill-seeker? Do you visit carnivals or theme parks? What do you do that gets your heart pounding? Have you ever had a brush with death?" Ok, in order: No. I'm perfectly fine feeling safe, secure, and boringly alive, thank you very much! I have on occasion visited theme parks. I don't know if I do anything that gets my heart pounding. I like the idea of running - the thrill of movement is something that I wish I could enjoy more of but I'm too embarrassed to run on the roads and I can't run for very long because I'll be panting and wheezing after just a few metres. No. Thank God for that! I guess some would say that you feel most alive when your blood is pumping and you've experienced an extreme sort of emotion. But, really, I'm perfectly fine to continue my mundane, uber-ordinary existence. If only someone else would look after my kid on occasion so I could do my existing by myself, in peace and solitude. Aaah, those were the days...:'( I am tired. As always. I'm running between my mum's house and mine this week. My sister has the earlier shift at work so I need to be there when her kids come home from school (the three of them live with my parents). My mum is usually the one who's there when they get back home but she's gone to Pakistan so that responsibility now falls to me. It's a nightmare! They don't have a computer so I can't write!  13:47 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:28 Today's prompt is interesting because it is one that I have had to explore in some depth for a recent counselling assignment. "Where do your cultural roots run the deepest? Where is your family’s ancestral home? Do you feel most connected to the place you grew up, where you live now, or somewhere else?" To be quite frank, I don't care a whole lot about my culture. Why do I have to be beholden to something that changes with time? To my parents, it seems at times as if there is nothing worse than a person who doesn't abide by their culture, but what a lot of people, particularly of the older generation, seem to fail to grasp is that culture is not set in stone. Fashion trends, popular TV shows, who's hot in film right now, the mannerisms and style of the latest singer to top the charts, maybe even a poor woman who ends up writing one of the greatest children's book series ever. These all, and so many more, inform the way we interact with those around us. ...I fell asleep sitting at the desk. Not even slumped onto the desk - sitting up, leaning against the back. If that's not a reminder to get to bed, then what is?! But let me answer the questions at least: My cultural roots run the deepest in Pakstan, probably. The family home is there too, although it's usually empty with some neighbours coming in to have a look at it every now and then, to clean it if it needs cleaning, and to make sure it didn't topple over since they last saw it. I dunno. I feel most connected to my house. My house is the place where I can rest and be myself. It has little to do with culture, though. It's just a matter of convenience. 23:48 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:46 The prompt today is quite bizarre. "In your entry today, write about superstitions, legends, and curses. Are there any legends in your culture that you take to heart? Are you superstitious? Do you believe in Pele’s Curse?" Legends from my culture? No, I don't really know any so I can't say. As for superstitions...I am by no means well versed in this topic but my people hold to this idea that one can be...bewitched. I don't know if that's the right word for it but it's the only one that came to mind. Anyway, this bewitching happens via black magic or with the aid of jinn (or djinn, but they're certainly not the blue-dude-in-lamp kind of djinn). These jinn are beings of smoke who exist on a plane of reality that is similar to ours, but we don't see them. Mostly, they go about their business and we go about our own. But sometimes, petty people with a bone to pick with others (for anything from "How dare you deny my son your daughter's hand in marriage!" to "Your family shall never enjoy success in any way, shape, or form! MUAHAHAHAHA!") call on beings from this other plane and they cross over to where we live and then...things get messy. This is where demonic possession and stuff like that comes in for us. Satan was a jinn too, once upon a time. The bit about the jinn is from Islam, but I'd wager it doesn't happen all too often the way it seems to in culture. I mean, how often would you see someone running off down the street laughing like a hyena because they're about to unleash ruin upon some undeserving innocent family? But the thing is, in my culture, people use this almost as a means of saving face. Someone's behaviour has recently changed? They must be possessed! Someone's depressed? A jinn made her that way! Someone's got some kind of skin condition or health problem that's destroyed their beauty or body? A jinn did it! A marriage broke? A jinn. Did. It! Whatever it is that the "jinn" is doing through the individual, it's usually something the family in question perceives to be wrong, so they do the easy thing and stick a label on that person, I suppose expecting that that will halt the rumour mill. So Ayesha's been diagnosed with a mental illness. What does the family do? Why, placate the neighbours of course! "It must be someone's evil intent to bring her down! She is such a good girl...why would she get this out of the blue?" But this is definitely something from the previous generation. I'm hopeful that for my generation and above, it won't be a means of saving face or finding an easy answer for something inexplicable. As knowledge becomes more easily accessible, I pray that people can accept things for what they are and not try to stick labels on them, especially when those "things" are living, breathing people experiencing uncertainty about themselves and their place in the world around them. And no, I don't believe in Pele's Curse. It kind of defeats the purpose of being a Muslim if I suddenly said I believe in the existence of another deity. It's the ultimate sin to put someone else on the same level as God. This has been fun! I must go and do my prayers now. Cheerio! 22:10 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:57 I'm nearly out of time for today's entry. I completely forgot that I'd said I was going to do it in the afternoon! I had plenty of chances to do it too. I now have two minutes. Oh well. It's been a slow kind of day today. I got back from the conference yesterday at about ten at night and enjoyed another blissful evening without my son, since I'd left him with my sister the night before and he'd already gone to sleep by the time the train pulled into town. My mum went to Pakistan last week so going over to my parents' place felt a bit strange. I can't believe we're already into the last week of June! Where has the time gone? I'm still reading Oathbringer. Until I finish it, it's unlikely that I'll be able to concentrate on my own writing. Excuses, excuses... I have two college assignments to do too, with a third on the horizon. Assignments are not my strong point. It's a type of writing that doesn't resonate with me. Writing essays has always been a bit of a huge hurdle to cross for me. I can remember struggling to meet the word count since high school. There should be a word for this. Calculexiphobia or something. I'm falling asleep as I write this. These past couple of days have been quite hectic, in prep for the conference yesterday. But now that it's over, hopefully life will return to normal. Mercifully, that's ten minutes! 00:08 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 14:58 I'm attending a Muslim conference today. Actually, I'm supposed to be a volunteer and helping with the conference, but I've just been sitting around or wandering about. I'm tired! I woke up for prayers at three in the morning, and didn't go back to sleep in order to have plenty of time to prepare for getting to the conference. I think I worry too much when there's a biggish event coming up. Getting to and from the event becomes something that takes up pretty much the whole day. This is one of the reasons why I don't like getting out - every little trip out is perceived to take longer than it actually does. And then there's the logistics of it - how am I going? Will I get a lift there? Will I get a lift back? If I'm walking, when should I get out to make it for the appointed time? Can I ask someone for a lift? I don't like bothering people for a lift, but I also don't like the idea of driving myself. I want to sleep. I want to go home! T_T I want to continue reading Oathbringer! It's getting really good! (Not that it wasn't good before, but every page makes the story better.) 15:08 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:34 The moment I read today's prompt, my mind went to the gutter  Something that I secretly love is...romance writing! I don't think I'm any good at it - not in a traditional sense, anyway. It's never about the dashing hero whose every action is an invitation to intimacy (that kind of thing is most definitely not my kind of thing). It's not about a couple overcoming all odds to be together (  ). I think the romance that I occasionally indulge in writing is where one party is quite odd. The relationship is...kind of healthy, but one half of the pairing is not. Which begs the question - how can the relationship be healthy if one of the main players in it is not, right? I guess I'm just a bit weird that way. I know in reality, those relationships probably wouldn't work. I can't really think of anything else that I secretly like. I'm pretty much an open book so I don't have any deep secrets which never see the light of day. Although...my friends are convinced that I'm a tomboy, since I used to act all queasy around girly topics in high school and I hated the colour pink. I'm not that bad around girly topics (I suppose having had to marry, give birth and what not, has helped me overcome my discomfort ) and I don't even mind pink, although I'd keep it to a baby pink or pastel pink if I had to wear it. I love babies. I love flowers. I love pretty dresses. I guess I'm pretty much a standard girl lol. I should show this entry to my friends. 10:49 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
