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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm somehow driven to discuss Emmaus Productions. It was for CF to decide but now I've been somehow interested in helping the elderly. We must find those who are genuinely in need of help as elderly people. We cannot ignore them. They have stuff. their thoughts might be bad thoughts but they are not always automatically relegated to stay in Gehenna forever. They have a purpose in life, and a function, if only to generate love and gentler feelings for them bevause of their infirmity. I have a dad who's 90 and will be 91 soon. He has been a bit lonely and sad, filled with thoughts of the past, and the friends where he was still happy. I do not wish to abandon my Dad and have tried to cheer him up sometimes. He has given me a few sad remarks about his state of mind and his life. He tends to be somewhat combative when he gets his back up. There is a part of me that doesn't like him much but my life as his daughter has been a good one. He provided for us, my Mum and me, and he has been always so sturdy. He has had ailments and once suffered a heart attack. I was so sad when that happened. He is now unable to pay for his insurance (Medicare) and he has had to spend more than he earns (social security) to paybills and to keep up with the household needs. Now that I have a job there is a promise of some financial relief and for this Dad is somehow happier and he said he wanted to eat out today but I don't wish to eat out so I told him I'd rather we got groceries and ate at home and he volunteered h'e'd make a steak. That was a sign that he was really eager to have a goo dmeal and that he was inspired by this new state of my life as a working person working for a company that is good. I want myDad and others who are like him - male or female - to know that there are people like me who wish them well. I do not know how I can be a material help but I am supposedly in the admissions process at a Uni for an MSW. If I were to do work as a MSW then I could possibly do this in a way that won't interfere with my work now or ever. I hope that if I did some galumphing here I could think of what a MSW might do to help the elderly. I think one way would be to help fund a pro bono MSW team of therapists who are engaged in majoring in gerontology. These should not be wicked people who would pretend to be social workers who only wish to inherit the legacy that their charges have for their own children. I want this to be clear - I have no ambitions to get rich from anyone who is elderly or anywhere near that or anyone who has a relationship with me who is wealthy. I am not a hungry bastard woman who is only intertested in using my 'charms' to seduce a man to give me something for some stupid sex thing. I have my principles and I am willing to go it alone if needed. Jesus is with me always andn so is my Guardian Angel. I want to please ask those who are listenig to help the elderly and not ask for any payment. That will be what we need and so the one thing to do is to take a course in this and pray to Jesus for help. You all are much younger but you need to be a charitable person, someone with Agape in mind, and someone who has a full tim ejob that pays them enough so they don't get tempted to help the elderly for bad reasons. I am so into this that i wish it would happen NOW. I hope those in politics are listenign. We DO NOT WANT WAR we WANT TO HELP THE HELPLESS and ELDERLY AND THE POOR. AND THE ORPHANS. Please God do not allow bad people to corrupt this idea. Amen. |
| My afternoon was good and spent with my Colin. I didn't see him for a while and it was nice to see him if only for while. I was quite excited by the fact that I am now fully employed. The company is an international company. It's very nice to be working full time again. One might say it could be what I needed at this time in my life. I always thought that I'd work forever, and not go into full retirement till I was 70. But that was a while ago. I remember that I consulted banks and financial websites to see what they predicted my 401(k) might be once I got retired. I also did a budget on a spreadsheet (excel) and tweatked it every week. I had credit cards to pay down and that was a challenge, and I almost got them to manageable level. I had one of those brokerage firms that told me in a graphical way how my 'score' was cmopared to others of the same income. I was an only child and I already lost my mom and all I had was my Dad. I decided at one time to see if I could 'downsize' my spending. SO instead of having to live on 74K I thought I'd tell myself to live on $40K a year. it was quite a challenge. I had many things I spent on - bills, credit cards, loans, car payments, hair appointments, massages (every 3 weeks, so very happy to have that but now I have to not do anymore massage appointments), and shoes, and bags, and outfits for work. And oh, those jewelry shows on QVC that had Judith Ripka and so many others. I had those to buy and then I wondered where on earth was I going to wear these rings? I only had two ring fingers you see, and well, I had to stop buying rings anyway. Then the next thing I got into was earrings that dangled and glittered and everything else. I had a few times I went for a manicure and that was so expensive - imagine a manicure that would be $25 and if you wanted 'gel' it was up to $35. So I only did those things occasionally, specially when the manicurist would ask coyly why I was having a manicure (like I had to have a reason, lol) so I'd lie and say I was going to a wedding or going to an evening event with my company. So I had all these fun things. But after a while, after trying to downsize to a lesser income (even with the same income), I also had to put in the reality of when my Dad would pass on. Would I have enough money to pay the mortgage and the utility bills? Would I still be able to pay for the lawn company to cut the grass or the snow removal service to come whenever it snowed over 4 inches of snow in town? Would there be a person to ask to fix a problem with the furnace, the toilet and the electric plugs? Would I have to hire a handyman who asked for $300 for a few hours of work? Would I be strong enough to haul that Troy Bilt lawn mower around the back yard and into the front when I was in my 70s? It was a scarey thought these, but I had to face this and I was not too daunted, but I had to go and become more healthy I thought> . I went and worked out at the gym and see if I could at least go on the treadmill and lift weights and do whatever. I wasn't a happy person sometimes but then work got so fucking sad and I felt so toxified. I couldn't stay there. So I felt as though I needed to take a break - and I signed up for an MFA to see if I could write creatively. And that cost me a lot of financial aid stuff. Then I quit my full time job and took a leap of faith that God was going to catch me on the way down. My Dad was ok with my quitting. He said that he was going to say that I ought to quit my job, I guess he saw how I was when I got home from work. Many times I'd be home and I'd collapse on the couch. He'd be the one to cook and then he'd wake me up and tell me dinner was served. SO I'd go to the table and eat. Then I'd skip washing the dishes till the next morning. Then I'd go to the same couch and sleep, and then I'd wake up then next morning when it was time to go to work again, still in the same clothes I wore thenight before. It was like that. I was gaining weight and then I got so stressed. There were some people gunningfor my job there and I had no cover. I was going straight into a hellish end. My boss was infatuated with a young Asian girl and so he told me he was goign to put me into another department. I said Fine, but I think you're rejecting me. He had no real answer but he told me with a smile "You'll be star there" and I didn't say anything. It took three months to get to the next department. The girl he got pregnant came back from maternity leave and so he said Ok you, Mary, go on to get to the INternational department. I sat there surrounded by these jerks who were crowing about how fun it was to do so many cool projects and I was like What about me? I didn't care I wanted to tought it out and see them go and be fired for being so stupid and talking all day like they could fritter their paychecks that way. But God had other plans. So my exit strategy was to make up a story about something - I had a former crush in the past - so I told everyone that this guy was back and he was gonig to marry me and so I had to go and leave. I told them he was going to take me to England and we'd be a happy couple forever. I also gotone of those Diamonique solitaire rings and wore them everywhere, and well, they were believers. Then some asshole talked me into trading in my Accord for a BMW 320i and well, that pretty much sewed up my departure! But life had a twist and turn and well, I spent all my 401(k) on myself and others - like it was Christmas time. It wasn't too hard to do that. I was told that all that money I saved was BAD money. Nobody wanted it in heaven, they said. SO I said Ok, I'll spend it - I went on Amazon, I published a book or two (I paid for it), I bought scads of boots and makeup and well, I also helped a poor family in Manila whose mom needed money to set up a small booth in the market so she could support her kids - her husband was a drug addict and was no good. I might say that these people don't know anymore about me. Then one of the kids I and my Mum while she was alive, supported him through nursing school. Mum died in 2011. I retired in 2017. I now have gone through a very strange and interesting journey. I met my real husband then and now he's happy with me. I now feel as though all of that was somehow a way to learn about loving God and Jesus. And loving those who were loved by Them. I am now lucky because (well blessed not lucky) I've got a new job and it's fun to have some sort of financial security. My Dad was so stressed out because he was gettin the runaround by his banks here in town. There was so much frustration with him, and how he could strethc his small income to get food, stuff to keep thehouse from gettingi nto foreclosure. I even contacted HUD to find a way so they could help. And they did give me a name to send an email to. But because of this new job I think we can keep this house and maybe in a while we can replace some of the things that have failed to work. I guess we can all learn from what happened to me - a jolly and carefree girl who suddenly had to grow up and then go through a rather hazardous journey to learn about trusting God and making it through each day and thanking God that she was still alive. I hope you all have a good evening. Mary |
| I've been a bit tardy here and I'm awake rather early. It's after midnight. I slept early after doing tax stuff. I've not finished of course. Mostly getting my receipts all ready and then finding information about the invoices that I received from several vendors. It's not exciting but it will help my accountant, if he still wants to work for me, lol. I know that last year or before I was in such a state of mind that I had a very messy tax life at the beginning of the year. So I had to get all of these things gathered up and the accountant wasn't happy. Consequently, I had to go through an audit and then it went a bit like a slow pain in the butt and then they said it was ok, so I was relieved. It's not uncommon to go through audits esp if there's a lot of work on things and then there was that thing that I had to withdraw my IRA from my bank in toto and so the IRS saw that and got a bit sad at me for having a huge income all of a sudden, but that is as one has to go through. I learned to have to - well, it's water under the bridge. But if you happen to withdraw a large amount money like an IRA (even if you're over 59 1/2 that amount will figure in your taxes as income et cetera et cetera). Now I'm a little stressed a bit because of well, I've got job! I got interviewed and then they hired me on the spot. I had a similar experience with a co in the area but I didn't like the job. I'll be trained starting in the morning. They will have someone go through training with me over the internet. It's a bit of a change but these things are now de rigeur for people, I hear, so I'm quite happy to do this. I was thinking how it was fun to be an independent owner of a business but if the money gets a bit dried up there is a lot of misery! I am VERY GRATEFUL TO GOD for this good blessing. I've tried and tried to get a job, it didn't matter what but it had to be something that wasn't in science because I've had it with science jobs. I was looking into things like clerical, or, admin stuff, or some marketing and communication stuff. I also looked into regulatory but these jobs can be quite fraught with stresses like having to do things in a hurry or getting to talk to the FDA (which I've done) but it's really rather like going back to some place that I'm not happy about. This new job isn't quite clear about what things I'll do. They asked if I had a good typing speed (I think I do), and if I were accurate with math and statistics. I confessed that I only remember some things of statistics like the old T test, et cetera. I wasn't asked more about that. They asked about code of conduct and also about privacy. I'm sure they are very concerned about this. I'm thinking about getting an office space to lease or rent, or even a small one bedroom or smaller apartment nearby. That might be where I can do the work and it will be seaprate from my house. I'm not quite sure about this yet. I have called or emailed a few of these places, some from the Purdue research park spaces, and some apartments in town - like there is one by the post office and then one closer to Purdue, and one which seems to in th emiddle of the Chauncey area which might be cool. I'd go there and work then step into th estreet for a break and get a coffee from some fast food place, or even take nice walk. I'm not that sure of course. The pay might not be enough to pay for a lease monthly. The last choice is to get my one bedroom that I'm using as an office that has a nice new desk but it is a bit messy and I need to see if I can have Dad take away the bicycle (the stationary one) in th emiddle of the room. Then there's a short file cabinet that I hardly use. Then well, a little stand for the kitties (that was where they used to stay when in the room being acclimated to the house when they were first new babies). I will be doing some of this clearing up today God willing. I'm not quite up to all this activity. I do have to remove and 'perhaps file in the trash' some of the stuff (old files and books that I have no wish to read). Dad already went to Mass yesterday and I"ll be trying to clear up that office room. I have an idea that they'll be looking at me (it'll be like that) while training me, and there's a poster of something I bought a while ago- it came from St Joe's Indian School. It's a painting (not a real one) of an Indian camp with a teepee and a small fire on the ground. In the setting sun. It was a nice picture and I had some money to spend - I also bought some Indian-artist made things - like a nice reddish clay pot that now holds a lot of my pens and other things next to my laptop. I used to think I'd put it under St Michael the Archangel's statue in the living room where I'd put a few things as petitions to see if He would take a look and maybe bless them. I did this for a while, but Dad in his own way of things took it away and so I had to rescue it and now it's holding pens and penknives et cetera. Haha. I don't know what I'll do with the business I guess I'll not write creatively any longer. I will put my stories that I've got or started where they are. I have no real wish to get into another tizzy with hacking people. I cannot go through such a horrible experience again. I know that writing is fun and creating new characters and ideas is fun, espcially with my Muse, Colin. But it's not such a good income earner I've found. I've nothing more to add. I seem to be a bit dazed still by this rather good turn of events for me. I will be trying to save my money so I can get some things paid off (bills and taxes and such), and then I'll put away a few dollars so that I can at least get a few Christmas presents. I'd like to find a good thing to do for some favorite charities of mine. It's a secret, haha. Guess that is all she wrote, haha. Love, Mary |
| 'dfbjsflnbksnfv'ldifjg I'm a bit sad now but I hope that this trip we're on in INdy will not be a waste of time for us. I've had such a difficult several weekends. Now my Dad has been going through such obstacles and red tape just to get his stuff done in the Walgreens here. They've got Western Union there you see, and my cousin sent him some money and so I think it's just sad. He was there for a long time and I got a bit sadder and sadder. Mrs. Shriver Eunice was there in stuff and thoughts, she drove a cobalt blue car or suv (i don't remember what it was I thinik an SUV). Then she went in to the store then she went after me and wanted to kill me with some sort of weapon I think it was a pistol, and I was so sad and frightened I didn't know what to do, I finally called on Jesus. Joe Biden said He's waiting for us in Indy so he can get a potshot at me, you see, and then Mr Abbott Denny has made plans for us to get into a big death thing in or towards INdy. He and Mr Goerge W Bush were in talks in the thoughts with Mr Pence (I am not sure what he's in there for) but I feel that Mrs Ruble Cynthia has been in this too. I also know that other people might have had some sort of fun to try to get me sad while I was waiting for Dad to get Erwin's money from WU. So I'm sad and hope that this day will be somehow a better day if we are in Indy for a while. Please I cannot imagine how I could survive this weekend. They need to top last weekend when I went into a long downward spiral of being made to be sad and sad and sad. With the company of Colin (or maybe some facsimilie of his) and BOnneville Hugh and Laura Emge and maybe Trevor Winnett who was the cop who took me home as my escort. I think it might have been him but he was with a woman's thought named Sebolt LEopold Judith who is really The Joan of ARc. She is so evil and has molted into different people: Linda Schweiger (that one is still somewhere in the back seat) and Betty PRice (whom I saw in Kroger yesterday looking at pet food) and Carolyn Pruitt (she's so evil and has poisioned me and my cats and dogs I'm sure) and well, I think there are others like Megan Cotterman, Jennifer Kerr, Ginny Mahn, Chris Holdride, and then there are those in CBI who might be her too (well Cotterman works there) such as well, I could say all the big women there because Joan of Arc is into women's lib and wants women to be strong over their male coutnerparts, and also she wants them to go it alone or ditch their stupid hsubands, and she also wants to have people or I mean, women who have been jilted by their lovers and husbands to consider fucking other women who are lesibans or, in reality men who masquerade as women. I am rather a sad girl for knowing these d=things and so I am finding myself somewhat liek the WOMan WHo Knew Too Much. I am sick now. I am expecting some cops to come out of nowhere to flag us down and make us pay for a speeding ticket. The countryside isn't bad and several fields are already done with their harvest but I also feel that the cold chill of the weather is going to be awful and I expect there could be some precipitation but I hope not where we're going to be. I do feel a bit more the thing as we travel past the rural areas of middle Indiana. I think we might be finding some good food but not that good. We can't leave the Bengal Tiger int he car for too long. I hope and pray that things will be better soon. I've been pleading with God to take me away, and today I was so sad that I wanted to die and asked Jesus to take me Home to His Heaven. Then I decided to get out of this miserable thought and took some sort of thing to eat. Then Dad was up but he was a very grouchy man and he seemed put off by something and didn't eat anything. The food in the house must be somehow made to be sterilized by UV light because it isn't very happy to eat something, unless some bastard is eating with me. Tihey seem not to be able to leave when I tell them to leave me alone. I am still somehow in the grip of this sad feeling and the fear of being chased or hounded or even made to suffer for leaving the city of West Lafayette and I am almost as though they are demanding that I ought not to go away, and they were so upset that someone was giving Agosto money, they had to ask why is he getting moeny and who is givin ghim this money as if they ahd to account for every fucking dollar that this country has ever produced. I am imagining that the Treasurey of the USA must want to have an audit of all personnel because these Patriots of America are banking on all that dough to keep them in clover for ever because they are still alive in their heavens wherever they are. MrGoerge H W Bush is alive and so is Mrs GHW BUsh, and oh, so many famous people are still alive. It's sad my imagination is so fucking wild, like Dr Deutsch told me. My own idea is this it is a rather fantastic tale but if you see it my way it makes sense, and it will boggle your mind and it will scare the crap out ofyou and you wil want to leave this coutnry aasap. I am not sure that people are able to. In INdiana they say that those who renew their drivers license from last summer is gonig to have to prove their humanhood somehow - birth certificate on down the line - and that will allwow them to travel across the USA and out of the USA. This is what they said to me at the BMV in West Lafayette. I f it is a LIE then damn, They have mad ecopies of my Birth Certificate, my passport and whatever it is. If they are trying to clone me over and over again just to catch my Favorite ACtor Colin Firth, well, that's awful. I am sick now. They know ti all they know ti all they know itall. I must go - I have some of these people in my mind. |
| It's after seven pm, almost 8 actually. I've had a few things I've done so far these few hours. I've made a meal, a hodgepodge of rice and mashed sausage and then went to do yarning and then got up and started working on my tax stuff. I've not a lot bought from eBay nor Amazon, and have probably a few receipts of selling and getting income from selling old clothes, jewelry, fashion jewelry and so on. I have had a communique from my accountant who doesn't want to do my taxes any more. I still owe him from last year his fee. I've been so broke and it's been so difficult to think how best to squeeze anything with the meager monthly cheque from social security. I've decided to not work on taxes any more today. I'm trying to keep my optimism on the positive side. My Dad says I have negative thinking. It is true but it's not the whole story. Now I'm merely trying to amuse myself by having some music on, and well, finding some way to feel happy. I am a little out of sorts but I have decided to sell a few more things on my eBay store. But it seems people aren't buying and well, it's likely that these customers have become less interested in buying or spending money because of circumstances and well, I have not seen the employment figures for the last few months as there is no TV working. My Dad's subscription has lapsed and we;ve been quite clueless as to what's happening in the news or even on Twitter. I'm not that interested in foregin news but I do get some British news, and Colin likes to see the soccer results here and there. We're staying at a bed and breakfast in the outskirts of Indianapolis for the weekend and I've had to bring some paperwork but now he's trying to watch something on the telly and we've not really eaten much more than the stuff I'd brought with me from our home in West Lafayette. I'm trying to see how best to replace our dysfunctional oven. It's about that time to get a new one anyway. Something we'll have to do when we get back to the house over the Sunday afternoon sometime. Must fly, Mary |
| It's Tuesday and we made it to Indy we had to come back to see Dr Hill, h'es the therapist I have in Indy. He's in adult and child. The session was a short one. I told him all about my journey to Indy. This past weekend. Very sad about it. I think he is disturbed by my experience but I don't know. Dad had a problem his bank didn't have the money from soc sec and so he had to call the soc sec who told him it was in his old bank Chase. Then we went there. He had to speak to a banker. The banker allowed him money to get his car fueleld and me to get to see Dr Hill in Indy. The doctor thought maybe he and dr negeendank (my psychiatrist) could see me together. I tol dhim it was ok to see him and her separetly becuase I feel more relaxed being in Indy and well I lived here as a young teen and through my grad school years. He asked me if I was going to be staying in INdy for the rest of the foreseeable future (not in those words but I got the idea) and I said no I have to return to my home there in WL. So I got out of the clinic and then checked with the pp l in the MD sychiatrist's office when I might be needing to set an appointment with Dr NEgandank, so they told me that it woould be a week before the 20th of Deember. Then I said ok, and then I left with Dad to get to the car. I think that the Dr knows that I'm being targeted in WL and Laf by Neo Nazi popl and also those who are against me and Colin being together. ALl of these ppl are guarding me, blocking me and my daily work. So are they working to block Dad now with getting his money from being taken away from the bank. It's rather silly or is it real? No it's real. The ppl here are so agaisnst this treatment of You Mary. Don't worry we will pray for You. And for Colin. He is a good guy but he's sad a lot. I know he is and he is the one I love always and Only. My family have been so sad and many including Dad are ghosted and taken over by bastards whenever I try to reason with him, so there is a bald man who is Denny Abbott who is now trying to get Dad to kill me. That is what we know. Oh my God. They know they know. oh my God. Oh my God please. That is what I told Dr Hill. So he is now unhappy that he remembered this now. We need you to stay in Indy forever. That was what I was told in the weekend but I cannot leave my pets and we have to leave lafayette in a reasonable way instead of all of a sudeen etting me into a new place. We haven't any money at all. I am broke. So is Dad. But we have some people who are trying to keep us out of harm's way. Do not be worried but we are all ok and if these ppl want to make active bad acts against us they will be unable to do this. Only God can help You. True. So that's ok then. Yes. Leave it all to my God Almighty. Ok gottta go. Love to You in Heaven. Mary Ione Dench Mountbatten. |
| Hi, I went out today w/ Dad and Max the dog. I had a sbux gift card from the hotel I was in on sunday. I ordered something sweetish and then took it back to my Dad's car. The dog was wedged in with my stuff. I knitted a bit while sipping the coffee. I felt drowsiness. Then I prayed that God would take that drowsy feeling away. I'd not even taken my anti-anxiety or calming meds. Now Dad is eating baked junk food. I need to eat too but I'm not that excited about the foods we have. I might still fry an egg or have a sausage patty or not much else. The coffee is dwindling down. Received some mail which I will be reading but I want to have something to eat. Will go round and see what's there. Discovered chocolate milk packets. Weather was very cold. I had my Lularoes and the getup from the weekend or maybe not. I haven't checked but I do know I'm quite clothed. Checking self isn't what I do much now. Some bills but not much else. Dad talking about snacks to eat tomorrow. Grocery run planned for tomorrow as his soc sec chrck will arrive. Mine will be sometime around the 18th of the month. Budgeting looks like I'm over the amount that I will be getting. Phone was lost this weekend but I'm planning on (if God allows) getting another one. I don't know. Did not answer the email from the JCP manager who wanted to interview me today. I think going back to old haunts like those brings up some ghosts that I'd rather not see again. I don't think JCP experience was that good but I had to work to pay some bills and what happened was that I spent money on clothes to wear to the store. I am not sure I'm going to work in a department store. It's not a good place for such as me, who's ultra sensitive. I'd merely set off some unheard alarms. Just talked to some person from Indiana Wesleyan Uni. The man said my app wouldn't be good now as today's the deadline. The letters of references were not good enough for them as they weren't the proper forms they needed from them. So I was told that I could attend May 2020. It wasn't a good idea so I told the man that this app was closed. I don't like the woman who answered me and she was obviously alerted that I was talking to her. She's bad elohim. I think the man I usually talked to there was also a bad elohim. I don't think IWU is any good for anyone who's a follower of Jesus. I also thought I'd try to re-vive my St Mary uni app for the MSW but I didn't get far into that as they seem to also have some bad elohim there who were resisting me from trying to do anything. I will see tomorrow if they can be reached. It's probably too late. Some thoughts tell me to call them today but I don't wish to bring the bad fumes from talking to IWU to them so I'll wait a bit maybe call them in the next few. MIght have to make a scrambled egg with some toast. I have rice from earlier but it's likely not enough nor good. I've been very upset at this MSW from the IWU people who've been like bad elohim. I'm not that into getting another damn degree but it will pass the time and I'll be able to get a decent enough job after I've gotten in but the idea of going into the field work might be daunting some of my thoughts and my husband so I suppose it wasn't something that I should have even thought of but I do want to do some good on this earth but seems that both God and my enemies don't wish it. Please God what do I do with this blockage? I'm very upset. Too sad for words but very mad and unhappy . I don't know why You do this to me why do you do this to me? ONly to get me upset? I hate it. |
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