Only Chapter One

Thank you for your submission, Jay! Sorry I was away from the site for so long.

Review of "Earthquake"

Hello, Jay O'Toole!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Nice rhyme in the beginning.

The actual story begins with a good opening hook and action when Quest is ripped from his home by an earthquake.

The one element I didn't like was how abrupt the beginning of the event was. It feels like something so exciting and action-packed as an earthquake shouldn't be dealt with within one single paragraph.

I've never been in a large earthquake (only one that made the manhole covers shudder and a loud cracking sound) so this may be a trope, but in movies, there's usually a build-up to the beginning of an earthquake where the birds suddenly fly up out of the trees and small animals are seen fleeing for cover before the humans even notice there's anything happening. Then, they don't appear to begin with the largest jolt, but rather build up from a slight shiver, through a shake, then become an earth-moving event with cracks appearing in the ground. It seems to me that the falling of scree over the cave mouth would be something that happened toward the end of the earthquake because the rocks wouldn't fall until after the real shakes began.

I can't remember ever reading a novel with an earthquake, so I've no real reference, but I would imagine that this opening would be better if you had something like Quest being surprised when all the birds suddenly flew up in the air, then seeing a squirrel flee its tree and wonder what on earth was happening, I'm sure that would provide a nice opening hook and allow you to build up more tension and excitement as the chaos escalates.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Quest is certainly a sympathetic character. I'm curious about whether he and his father wear clothes. I can't remember if animals much wore clothes in Narnia, but there's no mention of clothes in this chapter. His thoughts and actions feel appropriate to his age and position in this plot.

Casa is also a sympathetic character, but I'd like more emotion from his when he discovers his dead wife. Not just expressed emotion, but dears and a tight chest kinda stuff and more time taken attempting to wake her etc.

Plot — is it driving the story?


Lots of action and an obvious main conflict. Great.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


This was too fast paced for me. I feel you could take more time to set the scene and generate emotional actions.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Generally clear.

Notes

His Dad and Mom were gone. -> when mom and dad are used as names, they are capitalized Mom and Dad because they are proper nouns. However, when they are used in a sentence like this, his dad and mom, then they are common nouns and low case initials are used. Also note that from a child's viewpoint, and in a situation of extreme anguish like this, mom is more likely to be the first person in their mind, so mom and dad rather than dad and mom.

Quest, you're on your own, Little Man! Be BIG!" -> earlier Quest stated that he didn't know his own name. At what point did it come back to him? As a further note, because you're going for close third-person viewpoint, you might like to avoid using his name in the narrative altogether until the point at which he is able to recall his name.

The familiar fur and form were his dear wife, but Ossie was no longer in the land of the living. -> this is a little too succinct, imho. I think you could get a lot more emotion and feeling out of this if you described this event over several paragraphs, or at least one long paragraph. You can have him stumble across her, still warm because she'd just died, but be full of joy at that stage thinking he's found her only to discover that she's no longer breathing and then fall into a pit of despair. Think more about how to describe his feeling of loss at that stage.

The cave was filled with piles of varied rocks and settled dust. -> if it was an earthquake, wouldn't the dust here be just as disturbed as that near the front entrance?

The morning sun brightened his spirits and the fresh-after-the-rain atmosphere cleared his lungs. -> wouldn't he be concerned that the rain had washed away Quest's scent? Bears rely more on scent than on their good eyesight, and Casa would certainly require smell to locate Quest.

"O, God in Heaven, if you answer the prayers of bears, please help me to find my little Quest! I love him so! I'm lost without him!" -> Interestingly, I just saw something like this in the TV show Humans where a 'synth' robot decides to pray to God and addresses Him just like this, wondering if He'll listen to the prayers of something not human. However, since bears are a natural part of God's creation, and Casa is clearly aware of God, I can't imagine why there would be room for doubt here about whether He answered a bears prayers. For Casa to be aware of God implies that there has been a sign given or a prophet come to the bears to make them aware of God, and why would He do that if he then wasn't going to listen to their prayers?

He thought about The Chronicles of Narnia that he and Quest loved to read. -> this kinda ruins the suspension of disbelief, as does his thinking about being as smart as a human. Do you really think that bears believe humans are smart? From a bear's viewpoint, humans probably come across as blind, no sense of smell, deaf, and rather clumsy and slow. But it's the book that really kills this dead here. I mean, they live in a cave in the forest, and up until this point, there has been no suggestion that we're in a universe where bears have technology, tools, or education. Now suddenly we're expected to believe that these bears that live in the wilderness have access to books and an ability to read.

"WOW! Where am I? This fog clings to me like a putrid mist! If only I could see something,...anything,...clearly! I wish it wasn't so clammy. I'm glad I've got fur, but still...this chills me to the bone!" Quest mustered strength -> in this section, you have five sentences BEFORE you identify the viewpoint character's name. Why not: "Wow," said Quest. "Where am I?"

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


During the earthquake, what did Quake smell and taste? When he's 'bloodied', can he taste his own blood? Can he smell the dust in the air? Does it make him sneeze? Does he feel pain in his limbs?

Elsewhere, you make good use of sensory information.

There's a lot of confusion in the cultural setting here. In the beginning, the bears appeared to be just like bears in our world. There was no evidence of them having technology or education. They didn't have furniture. I admit Quest mentions his 'bed', but at that point I assumed he just meant a collection of leaves and stuff where he slept in the cave. And both Quest in the first section and Casa in the second refer to God as God. But then toward the end of the second section, The Chronicles of Narnia is mentioned. Then, Quest calls God Aslan rather than God.

Be consistent. If this is set in Narnia, then make that clear from the offset through Quest's initial viewpoint, eg. What in Aslan's name was happening? Don't call him God in one place and Narnia in another. It's a long time since I read those books, but I'm very sure that the only name given to God and Jesus in the books is Aslan.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


I feel that with added clarity from the beginning about the setting and more details during the earthquake and Casa's discovery of his wife's death, this could be a very good opening.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"