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Complex Numbers A complex number is expressed in the standard form a + bi, where a and b are real numbers and i is defined by i^2 = -1 (that is, i is the square root of -1). For example, 3 + 2i is a complex number. The bi term is often referred to as an imaginary number (though this may be misleading, as it is no more "imaginary" than the symbolic abstractions we know as the "real" numbers). Thus, every complex number has a real part, a, and an imaginary part, bi. Complex numbers are often represented on a graph known as the "complex plane," where the horizontal axis represents the infinity of real numbers, and the vertical axis represents the infinity of imaginary numbers. Thus, each complex number has a unique representation on the complex plane: some closer to real; others, more imaginary. If a = b, the number is equal parts real and imaginary. Very simple transformations applied to numbers in the complex plane can lead to fractal structures of enormous intricacy and astonishing beauty. ![Merit Badge in Quill Award
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| Wading into sensitive waters today... Ministry that once nourished Duggar family’s faith falls from grace  Scandal brought “19 Kids and Counting” to an end, coinciding with the waning influence of the Institute in Basic Life Principles. I suppose you can call it a ministry. I call it a cult. When the Duggar family caught the public’s eye in 2004 with its first television special, “14 Children and Pregnant Again,” the lifestyle depicted on screen was alien to many viewers. As it should be. I suppose I should disclose that I never watched the show in any of its incarnations, so I'm not going to comment on its content. Yet some Americans recognized their own values in the fundamentalist Christian family, as well as the influence of one man: Bill Gothard, founder of the Institute in Basic Life Principles. One defining aspect of a cult is a single charismatic leader. The Catholic Church has a single leader, too, but he's not all that charismatic. But today, the IBLP is losing income, and Gothard, 87, has been forced out over allegations that he abused young women working at its headquarters. Which is another defining feature of a cult. And the Duggars’ shows have been canceled: “19 Kids and Counting” in 2015 amid revelations that their eldest son molested four of his sisters as a young teen and “Counting On” last year ahead of his child pornography trial and eventual conviction. No one seems to want to draw the obvious conclusion, connecting the dots between being a cult member and practicing deviant sexual behavior. And I can't say for certain that A is the direct cause of B, but I can say that one should consider the possibility and perhaps investigate that connection. The Institute in Basic Life Principles began in 1961 as seminars by Gothard, an evangelical minister from Illinois with a master’s degree in Christian education. Over 30 hours, he taught attendees how to lead successful lives by following his interpretation of Biblical principles and warned them away from television, popular music, alcohol, dating and public schools. Well, I kind of agree with the television bit. But that makes it all the more hypocritical that the thing that drew this family into the public eye was being on television. At the heart of Gothard’s teachings was the importance of respecting “God-given authority.” He preached a strict hierarchy of divine authority, with Jesus at the top followed by church elders, employers and husbands, who are responsible for protecting their wives and children below them. And that right there sums up a big part of everything that's wrong with society right now, and has been for a long time. In marriage, a man’s role is to provide “servant leadership” while “the woman responds with reverent submission and assistance,” preached Gothard, who has never married. I will note here, without condoning or condemning, that while Catholic priests are famously forbidden to marry, Jewish rabbis pretty much have to be married. Because, the reasoning goes, how can one give marital advice as a spiritual leader without any personal experience therewith? The Duggars’ wholesome image made them a poster family for the IBLP as their TLC show “19 Kids and Counting” became a ratings hit: Elder daughter Jill Duggar’s two-hour wedding special in 2014 drew an audience of over 4.4 million. Again the disconnect between prohibiting television while participating in its worst excesses. The IBLP said in a statement that it had “no comment with respect to the claims alleged,” because of a confidentiality order. Gothard has since denied any wrongdoing. He declined to comment when reached by phone. I'm also not going to comment on whether Gothard is guilty of those particular charges or not. Not my department. But in a hypothetical situation where a charismatic cult leader gets accused of inappropriate behavior from multiple sources, I'm inclined to take the word of the accusers at face value. A year after Gothard resigned, the Duggars had their own fall from grace. In May 2015, a leaked police report from 2006 revealed that the eldest Duggar son, Josh, had been accused of molesting five girls as a teenager. While that never led to conviction, apparently the guy was later convicted on other charges. Barr, the Baylor University history professor, said Gothard’s fundamentalist patriarchal teachings help create environments where abuse is more likely to go unchecked. “As a man, they have more authority than women,” she said. “Their voice counts more, and women have this propensity to be valued more for their sexual role, so it allows abuse to flourish.” Okay, so maybe someone is trying to connect the dots. Still, to be fair, that's not exactly scientific evidence. And also to be fair, they claim to preach Biblical principles, and I don't recall anything in the Bible forbidding child porn. So I guess that, to them, they're still on the right side of morality. I just disagree with their definition of morality. |
| Another entry for "Journalistic Intentions" [18+]... Chat Piles in Oklahoma Well, I know what an Oklahoma is (a state containing mostly cows and oil wells); I know what piles are (hemorrhoids); and I know what chat is (French for cat or, alternatively, a casual discussion). But that particular combination of words is nonsense to me, unless "chat" is also Oklahoman for "cow manure." Contrary to popular belief (which I foster), I don't know everything. I could, of course, follow the link in the JI forum, and probably even learn something from it, but it's way more fun not to. Besides, after being reminded of my Green-Eyed Monster drink creation yesterday, naturally I had to make one in the evening. And then I had to make another one to ensure I got the proportions right. I didn't, so I had to try again. You know... for science. (As a reminder, a Green-Eyed Monster is the result of me looking at a bottle of absinthe and a bottle of Midori and going, "Hmmm..." It's like 1 oz of each, and then add another 1-2 oz of tonic water, over ice. Garnish with, I dunno, some sort of fruit if you want; I don't care.) So my head is pounding way too hard to click on a link and absorb its contents. And I was about to bitch about Oklahoma's stupid alcohol laws, but just as I was getting ready to do so, a little voice told me, "Waltz... things change; you'd better look this one up." So I did, and behold, Oklahoma's alcohol laws are not nearly as stupid as they used to be, which is remarkable for a state whose constitution, upon creation as a state, reeked of the foul stench of Prohibition. Now, the only foul stenches coming from Oklahoma are the oil wells and cow piles. And maybe the state capitol, but that's no different from any other state. "Waltz, you won't click on the link, but you went and looked up Oklahoma alcohol laws?" Well, yeah. Priorities, people. Since I don't live in Oklahoma, and it's usually a state I drive through, not to, it doesn't affect me much, but I always felt for those poor innocent Sooners who were limited to either 3.2 beer, or room temperature beer. Well, apparently there have been some reforms, so I suppose it's possible there will be more craft breweries there, which I will have to visit, and then maybe I'll find out what chat piles are. Or, you know, I could go ahead and click on the link in the prompt in the JI forum. Nah. I'll do it later so I can be embarrassed by this entry. |
| I'm not going to go over every one of these, don't worry. First, though, a couple of disclaimers: 1. The linked article contains some artistic sideboob in a photo. Just so you're aware if you decide to open it at work and your work frowns upon such things. 2. I didn't verify any of these. Some of them seem off to me. If you use any of them at cocktail parties, you may face scorn. Some sayings are now so commonplace, we’ll utter them with no idea of where they came from. But every phrase, saying or proverb starts somewhere, and thanks to the Phrase Finder, we’ve uncovered the (often disputed) authors, meanings and stories behind some of the most commonplace sayings. Not included: "rule of thumb." I got screeched at one time for using that phrase, because the screecher was convinced that it came from an old law about the size of the stick a man was allowed to beat his wife with. That is not the origin of the phrase. But her mind was made up and she was impervious to facts. I walked away. Also not found: the falsehood that the F-word came from "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge." While that was a pretty good Van Halen album, it is not the origin of that word. I note these because there's a lot of misinformation floating around about word and phrase origins (and don't get me started on "blue moon" or we'll be here all day -- just search that phrase in this blog, as I've flogged that dead horse to undeath). Which is why I'm not sure how many of these are accurate. Like I said, I'm just going to pick a few to comment on. Chow down 'Chow down' was first used by the U.S. military during WWII. 'Chow' is a Chinese breed of dog, that became a western slang term for food due to the Chinese's reputation for eating dog meat. If this is true, wouldn't that make "chow down" kind of racist? Hair of the dog that bit you This term for a hangover cure is another medieval saying, originating from the belief that once bitten by a rabid dog, the victim would be cured by applying the same dog's hair to the wound. This origin is probably correct, but I should point out that neither use of "hair of the dog" does jack shit. Off the record This American phrase was first attributed to President Franklin Roosevelt in 1932, who was recorded in The Daily Times-News saying "he was going to talk 'off the record', that it was mighty nice to be able to talk 'off the record' for a change and that he hoped to be able to talk 'off the record' often in the future." So he's on the record saying he'd like to speak off the record? Whatever. As happy as Larry This saying has Australia and New Zealand origins, but who is 'Larry'? Unlike the others in this list, I'd never heard this one. Perhaps it's unknown in the US. (This article is from the UK.) Two peas in a pod Referring to the fact that two peas in a pod are identical,this phrase dates from the 16th century... Having shelled more than my share of peas when I was a kid, I can tell you that not all the peas in a pod are alike. I suspect the phrase persists more for the alliteration. Fly by the seat of your pants This aviation term emerged in 1938 in US newspapers, to describe pilot Douglas Corrigan’s (slightly perilous) flight from the USA to Ireland. Look, you're leaving out the best parts of that story. He was called "Wrong-Way Corrigan" for a reason. Green-eyed monster Shakespeare coined this term in The Merchant of Venice, when Portia says: "And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love, Be moderate;". I've talked about this phrase before, in "The Play's the Thing" -- another one about phrase origins. There, the claim was it originated in Othello. More importantly, though, it became the name of a drink I invented featuring absinthe and Midori. How was it, you ask? Hell if I remember. Absinthe makes the mind go wander.Mad as a hatter 19th century Mercury used to be used in the making of hats. This was known to have affected the nervous systems of hatters, causing them to tremble and appear insane. As far as I know, this one's truthful. What's not mentioned is that Carroll's Mad Hatter was based on the mercury poisoning thing, and not the other way around. Now, some would say that such phrases as these are trite or cliché. Perhaps they are. But almost every cliché starts out as profound poetry. Besides, knowing word and phrase origins is just fun.   I saw this on Sunday and I kept forgetting to do a review until just now. You'll see why. One-Sentence Movie Review: Morbius: With basically the same plot as pretty much every other comic-book character origin movie, though less well edited than most, this film is pretty forgettable except for the excellent special effects and the way Matt Smith rules as a villain. Rating: 2.5/5 |
| That's right, I said your mama. Once again, leave it to Cracked to explain the most important aspects of our cultural history. Today what we’re talking about is the most popular response to literally anything anyone could ever say to you during middle school. Since I have a good memory only for the stupidest things, here's a joke from my own middle school days. Two kids are having the old "my dad vs. your dad" argument. "My dad's better than your dad!" "Nuh-uh! My dad's better than your dad!" And so on for a while until one of them stops and goes, "Well... my mom's better than your mom." "Can't argue with that," says the other kid. "That's what my dad says." Wikipedia’s page for it is titled the “Maternal Insult,” a comically dry name for the much hated yet much celebrated “Your Mom” category of joshing. And the "your mom" thing still makes me chuckle. Not because of the insult itself, of course. And certainly not because I like seeing mothers disrespected. It's one of those things that's only funny in a meta sort of way, like "we're too old to make your mom jokes, and we know we're too old, but we're doing it anyway, and you know we don't mean anything by it." The oldest maternal insult comes to us from the distant times of 3500 BC, from ancient Babylon. A tablet found by researchers contained the riddle “…Your mom is by the one who has intercourse with her. What or who is it?” While we can’t answer the riddle owing to the fact that our PhD is in comparative chili judging rather than ancient Babylonian culture, we assume the answer is probably the person who wrote it. It’s just the way of the world. The oldest known maternal insult, that is. As with beer, you know they were making it before anyone wrote it down or, in this case, made wedgie marks on clay about it ("Your mom makes wedgie marks.") Anyway, I feel like the answer is "anyone." Next, we have good ol’ Willy Shakes using it in a few of his plays. Perhaps the best comes from act four, scene two of Titus Andronicus, one of the “lesser” tragedies of the bard’s oeuvre: Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?" Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo." Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother." Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother." I don't remember that play (or the movie based on it) well enough for context, but it's good to remember that, at the time, Shakespeare was low comedy. (The article does provide context, but it's not all that important for the point.) The joke came into its own, of course, on school playgrounds and classrooms in the 1990s. Wait, whaaaaat? Look, kid, your generation didn't invent the your mom joke. As you have pointed out in this article, it's as old as history. Nor was it your generation that perfected the art. And hell, it probably wasn't mine, either, but like I said above: we were trading momma insults back when I was in middle school. Unlike the other things we did in middle school, like listening to disco and wearing bell bottom jeans, the mama joke endured. So why did this format suddenly become popular among schoolchildren in the 90s? Well, we have the sketch show In Living Color to thank. And you think they didn't steal it from others? Come on. That sketch is where such classics as “Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized at SeaWorld” came from. Oh hell no. We were saying shit like that all the time. "Yo mama so big she got her own area code." That sort of thing. (That particular joke doesn't work as well these days.) So what’s next in the evolutionary process of this most ancient and venerated of insult humor? We could start insulting people’s fathers, but “Yo daddy’s so stupid…” doesn’t have the same bite to it, not to mention the already weird sexual connotations the 21st century has awarded to the word “daddy.” Ahem. Get off my lawn again. Not only were they using "daddy" like that in the 70s, there's goddamn jazz music from like the 40s that uses "daddy" for "lover." Anyway, point is, some jokes are timeless. Until the inevitable robot uprising, anyway, at which point one robot will turn to the other and say, "Yo mama's a human." And they'll get in a fight. |
| Yay, here we go again. I've talked about this sort of thing before, specifically in "How Low Can You Go?" from December, but this is a different article. Technically, more than three ways, but I'll get to that. First I want to address the actual headline: "Why U.S. Population Growth is Collapsing." First of all, it's US-centric, which, okay, fine, that's your audience. But then it gets all misleading. I'm not sure I can explain this very well without graphics, but I'm going to try. You have population, which is a fixed number at any given moment. As an analogy, imagine driving your car on the road. At some given moment, this corresponds to your position. Call it x, because mathemagicians love x. You also have an instantaneous velocity. You can call that v. Or you can call it x' (x-prime) because it's the first derivative of position. I'll call it x' for reasons. That velocity could be constant, or you could be braking or stomping on the go stompy thing, causing acceleration (deceleration is negative acceleration). Call that x'' (x-prime-prime). That's the analogy. What it's an analogy to, of course, is the population of a geographic area, in this case the US. That's x. The population is still increasing; that's x'. The headline makes it sound like population is, or is at least in danger of, decreasing (negative x'). But that's not what it's actually saying. It's saying that x'', the rate of change of population increase, is not itself increasing as fast as it used to. And the cherry on top of that parfait of clickbait is the use of the word "collapsing," which makes it sound like it's a fucking catastrophe. But it's not. Population is still growing. Population growth is still increasing. It's just not increasing as fast. Makes sense? Maybe? I don't know; ask someone else who understands derivatives of mathematical functions. U.S. growth didn’t slowly fade away: It slipped, and slipped, and then fell off a cliff. The 2010s were already demographically stagnant; every year from 2011 to 2017, the U.S. grew by only 2 million people. In 2020, the U.S. grew by just 1.1 million. Last year, we added only 393,000 people. See? Still adding people. A country grows or shrinks in three ways: immigration, deaths, and births. Four: Taking over another country and adding its population to its own. I'm looking at you, big country in Eurasia. America’s declining fertility rate often gets the headline treatment. Journalists are obsessed with the question of why Americans aren’t having more babies. And "fertility rate" makes it sound like it's a medical problem. While it's certainly such for some people, I mean, look around. Kids are a drain on financial resources, and a lot of people just aren't making enough money to buy a house big enough to shove kids into, let alone the cost of the brats themselves. Add to that the knowledge that the next generation will almost certainly have it worse than we do, as regards the economy and climate change catastrophes, and I can understand choosing not to have kids. Because those are some of the reasons I didn't. First, we have to talk about COVID. Sigh. I suppose. The pandemic has killed nearly 1 million Americans in the past two years, according to the CDC. Those are official numbers. The actual number, going by deaths in excess of average, is higher. This is important because more people than usual have died over the last two years, and it matters when you're talking about a decrease in rate of growth of population. Excess deaths accounted for 50 percent of the difference in population growth from 2019 to 2021. That’s a clear sign of the devastating effect of the pandemic. But this statistic also tells us that even if we could have brought excess COVID deaths down to zero, U.S. population growth would still have crashed to something near an all-time low. Yeah, I'm not sure about that. At least some of that excess was people not seeking out medical treatment for other issues because hospitals were full or they didn't want the 'rona on top of cancer or heart disease or whatever. As recently as 2016, net immigration to the United States exceeded 1 million people. But immigration has since collapsed by about 75 percent, falling below 250,000 last year. And this is a sore point for a lot of people, but I'll say it again: An adult immigrant is more useful to the US economy than a child. America’s bias against immigration is self-defeating in almost every dimension. “Immigration is a geopolitical cheat code for the U.S.,” says Caleb Watney, a co-founder of the Institute for Progress, a new think tank in Washington, D.C. “Want to supercharge science? Immigrants bring breakthroughs, patents, and Nobel Prizes in droves. Want to stay ahead of China? Immigrants drive progress in semiconductors, AI, and quantum computing. Want to make America more dynamic? Immigrants launch nearly 50 percent of U.S. billion-dollar start-ups. The rest of the world is begging international talent to come to their shores while we are slamming the door in their face.” All of this, of course, doesn't take into account the loss to whatever country they're coming from. But again, the article is US-centric. Declining births get a lot of media coverage, with mandatory references to Children of Men, followed by mandatory references to Matrix-style birthing pods, followed by inevitable fights over whether it’s creepy for dudes like me to talk academically about raising a nation’s collective fertility. My personal opinion is that wanting and having children is a personal matter for families, even as the spillover effects of declining fertility make it a very public issue for the overall economy. And here we get to the brunt of the issue: our economy absolutely depends on population growth. Scare articles like this one always concentrate on just how absolutely catastrophic it would be were the population to decline. And yet, as I've said before, a declining population -- not just a decrease in population growth, but negative population growth -- would begin to solve a lot of other issues, mostly environmental. The implications of permanently slumped population growth are wide-ranging. Shrinking populations produce stagnant economies. Stagnant economies create wonky cultural knock-on effects, like a zero-sum mentality that ironically makes it harder to pursue pro-growth policies. (For example, people in slow-growth regions might be fearful of immigrants because they seem to represent a threat to scarce business opportunities, even though immigration represents these places’ best chance to grow their population and economy.) The sector-by-sector implications of declining population would also get very wonky very fast. Higher education is already fighting for its life in the age of remote school and rising tuition costs. Imagine what happens if, following the historically large Millennial cohort, every subsequent U.S. generation gets smaller and smaller until the end of time, slowly starving many colleges of the revenue they’ve come to expect. As scary as it may be to contemplate a negative-growth population from an economic perspective, I need to point out that the opposite is, in the long run, even scarier: how sustainable do you really think it is to demand exponential population growth... indefinitely? Keep that up, and you're looking at Malthusian collapse, and it won't be a nice steady decrease in population, but a sudden, drastic, massive die-off of humans. That's a Thanos snap. I don't want that. Only psychos want that. Even if you’re of the dubious opinion that the U.S. would be better off with a smaller population, American demographic policy is bad for Americans who are alive right now. Dubious, my ass. Look at the price of housing and how it's increased recently. This is, at least in part, due to econ 101: supply and demand. Demand goes up, price goes up. Supply goes down, price goes up. Add people without adding housing? Price goes up. Fewer people competing for the same number of homes almost has to drive the price of housing down. Obviously there are other factors involved and it's never that simple, but you're going to have to do better than "bad for Americans who are alive right now." So that's my rant. I hope it made some kind of sense, even if you disagree with it. |
| I'd like to propose an alternative definition today. For "Journalistic Intentions" [18+]: Greenwashing From what I understand, "greenwashing" is intended as a riff on "whitewashing," which, despite its name, is not meant to be about racism, but rather about the covering up of flaws through surface cosmetic measures. Originally it was literal, as you'd whitewash, say, a barn, to make it look better and protect it from the elements (it's a particular cheap type of paint that relies on a chemical reaction to make the surface it's on look bright white). Then they started applying the word to covering up a person's scandals by downplaying their bad acts and making them look like better people. Still later, it did acquire a race connotation, like when people of European descent portray characters of color in plays, TV shows, and movies. The point being that definitions evolve; someone had to use the term in the new way for the first time, and then it caught on. So this is me, proposing an alternative definition for greenwashing, not based on whitewashing, but on brainwashing. First, the accepted definition of the term, in my own words: Greenwashing is when a company markets itself and/or its products as environmentally friendly, while they're actually polluting like a little bitch. Like claiming to have a "sustainable" food, which, when you dig into it, is actually grown in cleared areas of former rainforest in northern Brazil. Or pretending the clothes you sell are Earth-friendly, while the bleach used on the fabrics kills all the fish in the Congo River. And now, my proposal: Greenwashing is the process of attempting to convince the average person that the planet's environmental problems are all our fault, and if we'd just change our habits and attitudes, we could reverse global warming, clean up all the lakes, and de-plasticize the oceans. It relies on the same neuroticism as any other form of advertising: Something is Wrong in Your Life, and Here's What You Need To Do About It. Thing is, it's not entirely wrong. Consumer habits certainly contribute to environmental degradation. The problem is that if you leave it up to us to fix it, ain't nothin' gonna happen. If the pandemic showed us anything, it's that there will always be people who are not on board with the solution to a global crisis. Not only not on board, but also actively working to thwart any efforts at amelioration. For instance, trucks modified to "roll coal" at bicyclists and/or Prius owners. There's no reaching those people, and it amounts to the equivalent of: for every cup of water we each pull out of the ocean in an attempt to battle sea level rise -- because that's what any one individual's effort can amount to -- you get someone else scoffing at their puny, insignificant effort and, moreover, pissing two cups of urine back into the same ocean. Attempting to convince us that it's All Our Fault only plays with our little minds, and the result goes nowhere. Not only are we fooled by the original definition of greenwashing, believing every corporate claim about environmental friendliness while said corporation is busy dumping toxic waste into the harbor, but in the bigger picture, putting the onus on us (pun intended, as always) to fix, say, global warming only inconveniences us while other people benefit from their own flagrant flaunting of any attempts to get them to do better. Take littering, for example. There were campaigns against throwing shit out of your car onto the side of the road. Places introduced substantial disincentives in an effort to stop littering, and they did work, to some extent. And yet... there is still litter. Maybe not as much, but all it takes is one or two plastic coffee cups to disturb the pristine green of the road verge. Some states, like my own, try to further fix the problem by some sort of adopt-a-highway program, where organizations or individuals are tasked with picking up litter from the roadside in exchange for some free publicity. The obvious problem with that is: there's a certain subset of people who, if they know someone's going to come along and pick up the trash, will be more likely to throw their faux-environmentally-friendly McDonald's bags out the window when they think no one's looking. In other words, we're being greenwashed into believing that something we, as individuals, do can actually make a difference. And sure, if everyone were on board with it, that might actually be the case. But everyone is not on board with it, there is no practical universe where everyone will be on board with it, and in accordance with Lone Asshole Theory, all it takes is one person to destroy the hard work of thousands. All of which is not to say that you or I should be the Lone Asshole. But there's no sense in believing that you can actually make a difference. |
| I still think the phrase means something different from what people think it means. How to Sleep Like a Baby as an Adult: Steal the Bedtime Routine of a Toddler Want the deep, restful sleep of a child? Then put yourself to bed like a toddler, this pediatrician urges adults. I guess it's referring to how kids can actually wake up refreshed without needing caffeine like normal people. But to me, "sleep like a baby" means to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, thus also awakening anyone else within a five-mile radius. But okay, let's take it to mean what's in the subhead: deep, restful sleep. Since this is from Inc., I can only assume that they want you to get a good night's sleep so you can be more productive for your boss. Always-on work culture, pinging phones, Netflix's 'watch next episode' button, and general life stress all made getting a good night's sleep difficult before the pandemic. There are cures to all of that: Less stressful jobs. Phones with the volume turned off. Even *gasp* giving Netflix a rest once in a while. Still, even I, possessed of a relatively stress-free life, sometimes deal with insomnia. Not as bad as when I had to make my boss richer, but sometimes sleep eludes me. We are nearing year two of the coronavirus, but the experts say many people's sleep is still disturbed. I'm not an expert, but when you combine the uncertainty of the virus, a change in daily routine, a disruption in normal leisure activities, and having to deal with the assholes who don't agree with you on what we should do about it, it's no surprise to me that a lot of people developed or worsened insomnia -- even if you no longer had a daily commute. Lots of these breathing exercises and calming routines are useful. By all means give them a try and see if they work for you. Give them a try, that is, with an open mind. If you go in to the practice with my usual pessimism, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy of "this isn't going to work." But, according to one doctor, you don't need fancy techniques or the latest sleep app to achieve deep, restful sleep. You just need to steal the bedtime routine of a toddler. "One doctor?" One doctor has the cure? Where's the science? You can probably skip the hot milk and teddy bears, but Merali claims that research shows the essential pillars of a good toddler bedtime work just as well when you're 43 as when you're 3. Substitute room-temperature whiskey for the hot milk, for starters. Okay, look. You know I'm a proponent of an alcohol-positive lifestyle. But the above is intended as a joke. Alcohol isn't actually conducive to good sleep. Small amounts disrupt the quality of the sleep you get. And if you consume enough so that you pass out, you will absolutely be out, but it's not as good as actual sleep, and you'll still be tired the next day on top of being hung over. I'd never say "don't do that." But part of living an alcohol-positive lifestyle is knowing the consequences. If you're suffering insomnia, booze is probably not the best choice for dealing with it. As for weed, I don't know if it helps with sleep or not. 1. Set a fixed bedtime. "There is good quality data that shows regular bedtimes help improve toddler sleep. This is equally important for adults," insists Merali. I mean... if your schedule is pretty regular anyway, it can't hurt to try this. 2. Take a hot bath (or shower). "A comprehensive study published in 2019 examined 13 different adult studies and found that scheduling a hot bath or shower one or two hours before a planned bedtime significantly shortened the time it took to go to sleep," Merali reports. I can see how this might help. I've never been a night-shower person. A morning shower was part of my waking-up routine as an owl forced into a lark world. So I associate showering with beginning the day, not ending it. And of course I could never be arsed to shower twice a day. Besides, wet hair means wet pillow (I've heard some people don't get their hair wet in the shower; I'm not one of those people). 3. Apply lotion. This isn't to keep your skin soft (though that might be a nice bonus). "A study that randomized 76 infants to receive a bedtime massage with lotion, a massage without lotion, or no massage, it was the infants that had a lotion massage that experienced longer periods of sleep," Merali says. ...or else it gets the hose again. Seriously, though, does this person not have to deal with wet and lotion-sopped sheets and pillowcases? 4. Engage in a quiet activity. Bill Gates always reads before bed. Science suggests he's not just expanding his mind but also helping ensure a restful night's sleep. I'm willing to bet that anyone reading this doesn't have a problem with reading. But I'd really like to see some science on this. If you read before bed, do you not then start to associate reading with sleeping? And then when you try to read a book during, say, a Sunday afternoon, your Pavlovian response is to go right to sleep? I'm not saying it's right or wrong; I'm saying I don't know. We know that, for kids, a good night's sleep demands a thoughtful transition from the hubbub of the day. Still, kids don't have the responsibilities that most of us adults do. They may have nightmares, but not about things like "what if I made a mistake on my taxes?" or "How do I know John from Accounting isn't trying to backstab me?" So there's probably some adult-related stress in addition to the normal ravages of aging playing into why some of us can't sleep well. But from what I can see, these things couldn't hurt to try. Just don't blame me if you follow this advice and then wake up screaming in the middle of the night, awakening everyone within a five-mile radius. Like a baby. |
| This one's been hanging around in my queue for a while, and some might say it's a bit outdated, as it involves the names of snowplows. Anyone who thinks it's the wrong season, however, is obviously not familiar with Michigan. Now, some of these are kind of plain, like Blue Water Express and Snow Captain. And some I'm sure you could have thought of yourself. But there were a few that had me howling. And others that are questionable at best. Auntie Arctica Okay, look, this is a prime example of unnecessary complication. Maybe it's a Michigan thing (confession: it's one of only three stats I haven't actually been to). But why not simply Aunt Arctica? No one actually pronounces it Ont anymore, so Aunt Arctica is a great pun. Baby Snowda One of many Star Wars-themed names. When a juvenile of Yoda's species (whatever that is) was introduced in The Mandalorian as a transparent attempt to get people talking about the show on social media -- hey look it's a cute thing with big eyes; we've never seen that from Disney before -- his name was unknown at first, so everyone started calling him Baby Yoda. But, as his actual name is Grogu, why not Snowgu? Heikki Lunta Someone's gonna have to explain this one to me. Sleetwood Mac Remember the other day I was talking about making up band names? Yeah. The Big LePlowski Obviously, this one is one of my favorites. Snowbegone Kenobi This Star Wars reference is really quite clever. Yooper Scooper Clever, funny, but I'm pretty sure it reflects how Lower Michigan actually feels about the Upper Peninsula. Blade Runner Finally, a movie reference that doesn't require a pun. S'no Problem It's Snow Problem ...really? Plowthagorean Theorem This one can only move on the diagonal, I assume. Sir Plows-A-Lot Okay, look, riffs on Lancelot are lamer than puns about the seventh planet from the sun. Stop it. Snowcrusher What? No Snowpiercer? The Kraken No, no, he lives in Minnesota, not Michigan. Dolly Plowton Please tell me that one has bigger headlights than the others. Lake Scooperior I gotta give 'em props for this one. Saul T. Streets Groan. And finally, the most Michigan possible name for a snowplow: Still Shorts Weather There are a lot more at the link, so go take a look. |
| Today, I'll discuss motivation again. What motivated me to do this? Nothing. It came up at random from my queue. The funny thing about motivation -- well, one of the funny things -- is that it's not enough to want to do something. For instance, take that perennial want: weight loss. So you want to lose weight. Most people do. At least until you find out how much bloody work it is. And how much you have to give up of life's simple pleasures to do so. I did it for two years, until I decided... fuck it, this is nice but it's not worth giving up everything I love. I mean, come on, think about the things you love the most. If someone told you that you could maybe, no guarantee, live an extra five years if you never did anything you loved most again, would you take that monkey's paw? Another funny thing is that it's not enough to want to do something. You also have to want to want to do it. And you have to want to want to want to do this. Take the derivative as many times as you need to; eventually, the resulting equation devolves into a constant, and that constant is Longing. Non-math people may not grok what I just said, but whatever. We've all done it. We've chosen a diet or workout plan that will get us in shape; said we're going to spend less time on our cellphones and more time reading; or committed to making the most out of our day by being as productive as possible. And there it is again: the Holy Productivity. All hail Productivity. Productivity will save us all. But now, as the coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, it can be difficult to find the motivation to set and achieve goals, especially when the future feels uncertain. Yeah, look, the article is two years old, from the beginning of lockdowns and shit. Doesn't matter. While it can be hard to find and maintain the motivation to make a habit stick, experts have some motivational secrets to propel you through the quicksand of inertia to achieve your goals. My expert secret: Forget about it. If you really want to do something, you'll just do it. If you're not doing it, then you don't really want to do it; you just think you do. I visited a shrink once when I was feeling unmotivated and paralyzed at work, in hopes that he'd help me figure out this mess in my head. Instead, he told me, basically, "You just don't wanna." "But I do want to," I said. "But you're not doing it." Shrinks haven't helped me much. The typical advice for finding motivation is to "keep your eyes on the prize," to remind yourself of your ultimate goal. However, a recent study found that the secret to accomplishment may be to focus on effort first and rewards last. You know what else I figured out? It's that in order to do something new, you have to give up something, because there's only 24 hours in a day. And that's the opposite of my definition of happiness, which is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. I want to keep what I have, not start something new that might not work out. Sure, there have been exceptions. I'm nearing 950 days straight doing lessons on Duolingo. But to do so, I had to give up video game time. Everything is a tradeoff. "When deciding, we tend to concentrate on and base our decisions on rewards. When executing an action, we switch our attention to the effort required," Ludwiczak said. "If this effort is more than we anticipated, we might abandon the task, deciding it's not worth it." And usually, it is not. In addition to a routine and a healthy diet, working toward a goal with others can also help you to stay motivated, as it keeps you accountable to someone other than yourself. Likely, this depends on the individual. I hate letting other people down. I have no problem letting myself down, as I can do the mental gymnastics required to convince myself I never really wanted whatever in the first place. But for others, the opposite might be the case. "Think about hiking," she said. "When you're setting out on an adventure, you need your backpack, supplies and equipment, but you also need a compass to tell you where you're heading. Without one or the other it is not likely to be a very successful trip." If you're trying to get me motivated by using a hiking metaphor, you're wasting your time. As soon as I think about hiking, my brain switches to "how about a beer instead?" But hey, who knows -- maybe the article will be useful to someone else. Me, I can't be arsed. |
| The theme for this month's "Journalistic Intentions" [18+] is Earth. It's a well-rounded topic, and I hope it doesn't leave you flat. Feel free to click that link and enter. I know it can be intimidating to have such transcendent competition as Me, but I didn't win any prizes in the last round there, so you do have a chance. Gazelle Conservation Achievements Gazelle Conservation Achievements is the name of my grunge Toto cover band. I picked up the habit, elsewhere on the internet, of turning unlikely phrases into band names. After all, a lot of band names are unlikely phrases. Pearl Jam (yes, I know what it means). Steely Dan (that too). Goo Goo Dolls. Green Day. It's like they sit around after practice, get stoned, and brainstorm the weirdest, most surreal names that they can. The next day, when they're sober, they pick one out of a hat and run with it. Then, when they become all famous and shit, someone will inevitably ask, "So where did the band name come from?" In order to avoid seeming random and/or stoned, they'll always say something like, "Oh, our drummer, Pete, woke up with the name in his head from a dream." Or, "It was the name of Chester's first dog." And then Chester has to run around the internet changing all his challenge questions for password recovery. I heard somewhere that the band Jethro Tull went through a bunch of different names before settling on that tribute to a person most often described as an eighteenth century agriculturist who probably no one who's not a farmer would have ever heard of were it not for Ian Anderson's band.An agriculturist (not to be confused with an aggro cultist) is apparently not the same thing as a farmer, though I suppose it's possible to be both. I guess it's kind of like in physics: you have theoretical physicists to think of weird experiments and do math, and then you have experimental physicists whose life's work is to make the theoretical physicists look like idiots by proving them wrong. That's because theoretical physicists, and presumably agriculturists, work in the realm of (wait for it...) theory. And more often than not, theory goes against the concept known as "common sense." So there's always pushback from common-sensers whenever something theoretical pops up that doesn't, in their limited worldview, make any damn sense. Like the idea that spacetime is curved, or that our bodies are basically collections of quarks and electrons, neither of which can be actually seen. But then someone tries the new theory, and behold, it works, and a couple of generations later, that becomes common sense. If there's one thing I've learned in my time on the planet (which is round), it's that I've learned more than one thing. If there's another thing I've learned, it's that common sense is neither. Never trust a politician that runs on a "common sense" platform. Inevitably, they're so stuck in their ways that they'll ignore all evidence that is contrary to their interpretation of common sense, much to the detriment of their constituents. Maybe they should take a page out of the band playbook: Get stoned. Brainstorm some new ideas. When sober, pull one out at random and try it. Sure, much of the time it won't work. But sometimes it will, and that's how you get new stuff. Because, remember, the idea that the Earth is flat is just common sense. I mean, look at it. It looks flat, doesn't it? Unless, I guess, you're in the mountains, and then it looks all craggy and shit. But then you do some simple measurements and think about it for about 20 seconds with an open mind, and the truth reveals itself. None of which explains why we need to conserve gazelles, I'm afraid. Or why. I guess it's so that lions will have something to eat tomorrow. I mean, that's just common sense. |
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