I loved your poem. The feelings are well displayed and the sad tone is vibrantly felt, am no expert, but I can tell this is "GOOD"!
The only place that kinda made me "stop" without the flow was "sea" in the last stanza. Maybe you can make it better than it already is. Just a suggestion. =)
"I know we can’t be together
But I still love you forever
And even if you hate me
I will stay close by sea"
Great piece! I specially loved this stanza:
But someday I’ll see you again
I would find you in the end
And then you would say
Its time to part away
And the verse "black sorrow that has spread" In the first stanza summed up the sorrowful tone of the poem.
"And I want to just forget you,
Make it like I never met you,
Make it like I never let you,
Worm your way into my heart."
The last verse explained a lot in simple, carefully chosen words. It displayed your message loud and clear with a connective flow.
"And every day brings me farther,
Every hour makes me safer,
Every moment makes it clearer,
You're only mine now, to remember."
The last word in the stanza sums up the rest. It ends with some sort of a positive hope.
As for the 1st and 2nd stanza, I'm afraid they don't seem to flow with the rest. The rhythmic pattern isn't consistent. I love the words, and I loved the picture you paint. Try and see if you could so some more with it.
In a nutshell, it's a wonderful, strong poem that display a vivid story with emotions a reader can empathize with.
I liked how your poem started, it's very deep and relates to the title. Anyhow, it would be better if you could extend it. It seems as if it is somehow, incomplete.
It certainly has got potential. Hope to read a longer version if edited. Nice start.
The emotions have been wonderfully expressed with precisely chosen words. The words are fresh with deep meaning and the reader could easily read between the lines.
In my opinion, this poem could become even more attractive with a clever rhyming pattern. Anyway, it's your poem, and rhyming isn't a necessity in modern poetry.
I admit, the auto GP's lured me, but the story had a life of it's own once I began reading. wonderful plot. the hero has a mind of Perry Mason. Creative, sort of sad, yet comical as well. I got a bit of chuckle for the last part when the Bennet guy got what he deserved.
Wonderfully written, very precisely expressed. It had the rare quality where the reader finds herself empathizing with the hero. It is a great piece of work.
Hope to see more of these. :D (with or without auto- GP's)
WOW. The fairies seemed to rush around me as my imagination took over. The stanza where the fairies appear is very powerful and the carefree tone of the poem engulfed me as if I was experiencing the freedom of a child in nature.
Pure, open and wonderfully expressed.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/6jeans/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 7:15pm on May 01, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
