I stopped by your port today to read and review one of your posted items.
In concept and truth, this poem is excellently done. I would prefer the use of more modern terms, such as You and Your rather than "thou" and "thy." In most poetry, I also think the reader receives a stronger message if each line is not capitalized and normal punctuation is used. It helps the reader know when to pause and for how long. Makes for better flow. You did well on the rhyme, but the rhythm is off with no consistent line structure. Is this poem good in my opinion? Yes. Could it be better? Yes.
I stopped by your port today to read and review one of your posted items.
The concept for the poem is a good one, but the poetic flow just isn't there. For this poem to work, it needs an emotional attachment for the reader. With some work, it might be there. I notice this is a 2009 effort, so you might not care to work on this poem. If you want my suggestions, just let me know.
This came up in Random Read. It is exquisite! When I finished reading, my mouth formed the word WOW! which had risen from within my poetic soul. I like it all, but perhaps my favorite is "bouldered dilemmas."
If I could give this a higher rating, I would. This story is compelling. It speaks softly, almost poetic and yet it also demands attention. The flow, the rhythm of the piece is like a heartbeat. Although it speaks of death, it deals in life and hope. The words you chose and string together are rich with meaning, beyond their individual scope. This is incredible.
So basic and yet it resonates such a feeling of nostalgia even when the experience is not my own. It's as if I wish it were. A longing lingers after the reading. A smile stays on my face. I keep wondering...as I've said before...how do you do it? How do you pack so much inside words I've read before just not in the order in which you arrange them. Ah! You are the great word arranger!
Wonderful phrasing, your words capture me. Here is my "response" - my life version.
In the Midst of a Texas Spring
Drinking dark black coffee
Out of a mug that says “I love my husband”
that I’ve used for years.
Even if the words were no longer true,
I would still like the feel of the mug in my hand.
The words face the other way.
I’m thinking of people who write poetry
and do it so well
although I cannot tell the secret
of their writing success.
Words strung together just right.
Outside the sun is still bright and hot
as evening promises a cooling.
Big dogs run in pasture.
Little dogs run in back yard.
The calendar says its spring
Sure feels like summer.
I don’t think I will be
seeing any empty days
with nothing to do for awhile.
Garden care and harvest
dominate my time.
Even when it rains,
there is much to do.
I’m beginning to think
that I’m getting to old
for all this outdoor work.
Maybe one more season.
I am drinking dark black coffee
out of mug that says “I love my husband.”
He’s one of the things
that I care to hang on to.
Nicely done. Conveys the feeling of a mind in sway. My favorite line "When the glass was given without the wine,
my dry lips parted in despair." If is not an old tired cliche but something new and fresh. A bit long for my personal taste, but fits the wandering mind subject matter. A good exploration of what it might feel like from inside a troubled mind.
A carefully crafted brief non-rhyming poem with no consistent meter allows the trees to join in the moment of contemplation regarding the loss of a child unknown to the writer and yet recognized as having been. This poem speaks of a receptive heart that hears and sees beyond his own realm if even for only a moment. I know some would probably say this poem should be longer, but I think not. It says all it has to say, the emotions too hard to convey, can only be dwelt on for a short moment in time. Powerful poem. I admit I had to look up the word “suppliant.” Good use of alliteration in this poem. Incredible poem. The more I read it, the stronger it gets.
First Reaction: A carefully crafted non-rhyming poetry with no particular consistent meter and yet it flows beautifully. Your words not only paint pictures but also give the reader a pleasant sense of presence of someone loved and gone – and yet not gone. It speaks of a beautiful relationship past and present. The poem itself is almost surrounded by an aura, like a breeze blowing through sheer curtains draped over an open window. The reader is allowed to insert a familiar scent instead of being told; I choose lavender. The solidity and warmth of the wooden frame has absorbed that scent which impresses the senses on entering and exiting as though the person was still there somewhere. Ah! Let the poem speak for itself, I say. I am merely rambling. This poem is special.
I notice that prior to my rating, someone has given it less than a "5." I do not know how this can be. What could anyone have read anything of the nature of this poem that could speak better?
I can almost smell the scent of small town USA and see the friendly people waving - even to strangers. And knowing who the strangers are because you know everyone who lives in town and all around...except for that one particular house where renters live. And you never quite know who does and doesn't live there at any given time. It's about the only mystery in the town. Your last two lines are our salvation....if we have our say!!!
very well done. I smiled all the way through at the way your subject swam right along in the metaphorical water. It was humorous, thought provoking but not a thrust through the heart - therefore not painful. It touched a core inside with a truth unnamed but nevertheless real. I breathed the air because I must and I could.
Well done. In a few brief words, you set the scene and evoke emotions and slide right to the end leaving the reader with a sigh or a gulp, depending. I like the repeat at the beginning and end; those phrases settle into the mind and heart. Is it guilt the reader feels as he/she too has walked on by not knowing what to do - not caring enough.
Absolutely marvelous! You know how I like a good rhyme! I found nothing to disapprove of in this piece, nothing to criticize, nothing to excise, no where to go but 5. You did it well. My poetic pet peeve of having all the sentences start with CAPS isn't even here to bog me down. Wow! Correct punctuation and everything! God bless you and your writing in 2010.
This 2837 word story is marvelously written - characters strongly created, scenes well done. Emotions are evoked as the reader quickly gets to know the characters and care about them. This is the kind of writing that sticks with the reader making one wonder - how are the Gibbs family doing. Oh, yeah, they are fictional people, I think. If this was set up to accept a rating, it could only be a 5 because there is no ten. I didn't find anything wrong in the actual writing and I usually do. Maybe it was because there was none..or maybe it was because I was so caught up in the story I couldn't see anything else.
Found this in the Random Read and my immediate reaction - even before I finished it - was sadness. Sadness that children cannot be children in this "modern" age, that they will never know the freedom and being a child-adventurer without fear, and they will most likely not know a Granny who spins anything - not tales, not apple peels, not anything.
And on the other side of my brain, or was it my heart, this piece was so full of love and joy and sheer abandon. God bless you for the write.
Incredible write about a subject that is far too common in our day and time. And, yes, they need God. I very much liked how you used the same phrases in each stanza. Sometimes redundancy does not work; but in this case is hones in on the issue rather dramatically.
Quite excellent as to form, rhyme, flow, and humorous message. It is a delightful version of the old children's story. And, as with the original, it is best read out loud. Hollandaise! It sets the stage for all the delight that awaits the reader of this tail...to bring a smile, you do not fail. Traipse! Yes, a good word indeed. This is a most delightful read.
Awesome is the word that comes to mind. It needs some editing. There were places that I got a bit hung up because of spelling or other errors, but the story pulled me on. Well done.
Proper response to follow....you are the good man and don't you forget how much that is worth in a world of really bad men. You stand out but not alone, though seemingly there is none to stand beside. But they are there...surely they are there.
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