Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Epitaph: Clearly meets the form requirements. I appreciate and agree with the message. Quite a tongue twister in its current form. The archaic language? I think I would prefer the following:
I would be remembered for words written well,
not for words spoken ill.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Clerihew poem form: Your work meets the form requirements except for the comedic aspect which I found missing. I loved the poem for what it said and its flow regardless of the form. Your choice of words expanded my vocabulary which I enjoy. Nicely done.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Shape poem. Incredibly difficult to read in the shape. The words blur into the sunset. BUT when broken down into shorter lines, the poem itself is INCREDIBLY wonderful. I think this one is worth moving out of the shape and given its own legs to stand on.
Finding a shape for a poem other than a tree or diamond is really difficult using WDC ML.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Tyburn form well done. Great alliteration. Very interesting view of Southern ladies. I have become especially fond of the South from living here in Texas and studying the Civil War and Virginia. Here is a quickly done Tyburn on the same subject.
Lively
Lovely
Lilting
Longing
Southern girls are lively, lovely belles
Their voices longing, lilting compel.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Great concept, however, the rhyme is clearly off in the last two lines. And the Today - Saturday are, for me, just to close to being the same word. I think you meant "raptured," but then maybe you were trying for a play on words. Punctuation: there is no need for a comma after Saturday or heaven. And it might read better with a period after today instead of a comma.
My personal campaign is against the use of caps at the beginning of all lines - except when it is required to proper punctuation or names. It helps me in the reading to know when to pause.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Definitely free verse On the subject of resumes - life lists - and more. Food for much thought about living life in the moment. In the section about the flour and dancing, I think "clean" might be better than "cleaning." This is one I may have to write a response poem to....just thinking.
Resonance is, for me, the most important aspect of a well written poetry. I listened to your poem today, and here is my response:
Good one! Fits the form instructions. It "bounced" right along. Grandma does not need to be capitalized in this case and no need for a comma after guilt.
As always, I was intrigued, inspired, and humbled. For in the simple things, you see and capture without a camera those things unseen and lying underneath the surface waiting to be exhumed..no, not that, for they are not dead but quite alive and willing to be used for seed for other things. I like the reuse of the word "STATE." It is in a state we are, of what kind we make ourselves. How can my vision expand as yours to see the unseen in the seen?
There is so much more here than what the surface words transmit, so much more. It's a "thinker's poem." For those who choose not to - think - it is but a little piece of poetry. "Become one with the underside of a stone" - perhaps my favorite line. How often have I been there and did not see it in this way! I wonder what the stone thinks of my desire to metamorph into one of its own.... I'll have to ponder this one further. I do feel a response or seed poem brewing.
I will write a response poem when I can see clearly through the tears and my parched throat gets relief. I read this out loud, as I always do, and felt the heaviness descend upon me about 13 words in. I think it had been building in those 445 bends and released itself at "anger" and then spun out of control until the end which is where I am. And yet, I am still trapped within unable to float or drift, just sinking further down, down, down. I close my eyes and lick my lips trying to break the hold. I think I'll go get another Diet Coke with Splenda. I think I can get up and walk that far. Dan, this is not poetic nonsense but the real physical journey I am taking here and now, your poem as my guide, my captor, my inspiration.
Blah, blah, blah... You have described so well the "small talk" of the weather which pretends to be conversation. It merely fills the space in the air between people who don't like empty air. How rarely the stimulating phrase of a good kind is spoken.
Here is my response:
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The pain and emotion come through in this piece. A little change of format (dropping all the capitals and adding puncutation), a few word change.... here are my suggestions. Use them, lose them....just my take. This version would change the title to "I Died a Little Today"
All the plans we made
shot up in smoke.
The love we shared
lost somewhere because of
those words you spoke
You say we can be friends.
That’s something at least,
but its not at all the same
When you came to me
and said it was over,
my heart took the blow.
Somehow I know
I will never be whole again.
Five long years I have tried,
and it has come to no good end.
I will never stop loving you.
You will always be more than a memory
What happened – why did you go?
I ask myself everyday.
You say it will be okay.
I hope you are right because
I died a little more today.
How much more dying
can I take and still remain alive?
This is absolutely incredible writing! The imagery impales my mind, punctures my heart, takes me to a place - I don't know its name - but it's not the place where I live. It's almost tangible, this place, this feeling you relate. How do I say the words to describe this masterful creation? Perhaps this is my favorite part:
There is always a soundtrack playing in my head. Like the melodies of sirens disguised under the cloak of angels. I draw ever nearer to the sound, unable to heed any warning I would sooner have thought of from stories of times past.
This cannot end well for me.
But then tomorrow in a new reading, I might chose another part. I find I am not wanting to leave this place, this page, this writing. Have I been captured?
This is a marvelous write. So moving. Imagery so intriguing. So descriptive of dreams. Wow! If I was to make change, I would not use capitals at the beginning of each line, and I would use proper punctuation which would show the reader where to pause and breathe. But the words....magical. Last stanza, I would use "fading" instad of that fade. That is one of those overused, harsh sounding words we writers tend to fall back upon when we need something to connect one thought to another. Learn to NOT use it, and your writing will immediately improve. Pedestrians WHO move... Waging instead of that wage
This is beautiful - I only changed the capitals and punctuation...
A dream is a baby
with its concept of day and night
so mixed up, that sleep,
when it comes, consumes its whole
being in blissful repose.
Another piece of "seeing" and putting into words. Masterful! Even if most saw the log, they'd simply kick it aside or step over not even taking note of it's place in their lives or the life that still lives therein. Dust to dust, but not quite yet.
Outstanding treatise on searching.... Yes, well all need more than words and repetitive chanting. But it is in The Word that we find truth and when it is sown, it will grow if watered with an eye to the sky seeking rain. Unclear? Yeah...but when you know you know. God is.
I stopped by your port today to read and review one of your posted items.
Observation: A rhyming poem with a repeated ending word - time - on every other line. Not completely rhythmic, but pretty close. The theme of the dance does not resonate in the short choppy lines, but the moving of time does well. A dance would sway a bit more with longer lines, I think.
I stopped by your port today to read and review one of your posted items.
Observation: On growing old and looking back and wondering... Poem in rhyme.
Relevant-spent, not close enough in rhyme for me. Also, "Manifold?" It so wants to be "manifest," the reader almost says it, and then has to double back. I know it rhymes, but...
Overall, good poem with great concept carried out well.
Having come to believe that poetry is "in the eye of the beholder," I behold that this piece does not "look" to me to be poetry. But the eye of the authorsays it is, so it is. No matter, I liked the words and the message. It speaks to me.
Observation: This seems to be a deeply personal and emotional piece. The pain can be felt which is a good with regard to poetry.
I think with some editing, this piece can be made better than average. Here are some suggested changes that may do the trick. See what you think.
In the eyes of others,
you are so perfect.
But when those eyes close at night
Mother, Mother
I hear the harsh words you say
I smell the alcohol on your breath
I see your wasted ways
Mother, Mother
I loathe those things
you say with such spite,
I'm never good enough.
Why can't I be better?
Why can't I be what you want?
Mother, Mother
Why can't you see
I'm right here in front of you
I'm not yet grown
I do the best I can
I didn't ask to be born
Mother, Mother
I can't change the world
It's not my fault
I'm not you
I’m glad I’m not you
I’m only me.
Mother, Mother
You're breaking my heart
I don't know what to do
I just want to be happy
I just want to be me
I want you to love me as I am
MOTHER, MOTHER
Please let me be
Me
Lilacs being one of my favorite "memory" flowers since we can't grow them here in Texas, I was attracted to the title of this poem. Then in reading, I found a wonderfully written piece depicting the emotions the sense of smell can evince. You gave a very clear picture of the pain of lost love. I especially like the last stanza with the clock-heart comparison. The ONLY thing that did not sit well with my poetry-reader self was the use of the word "foaming." I just couldn't relate to that word in its context in the first stanza. I could do "flowing over." Anyway, great job!
Observation: A free verse poem written somewhat in the style of e.e. cummings. The speaker is being introspective as he/she looks back on life, memories of places, people and also just thoughts. Stanza one and four have recurring lines. Stanza two and four also have a recurring section. I would have expected a two line stanza to follow the last four line stanza, but that is not the case with this poem. There is good alliteration throughout. Overall, a good poem whose concept is carried out well.
There are, however, a few places where I think (my opinion) it could be improved. I have copied and pasted your poem and put brackets around the places where I suggest a chance. I will note what those beside the line containing the brackets.
dark are the alleys of the mind
aimless wanderings
[amidst] winding roads - "amidst" would not normally apply to roads, rather a crowd of something..perhaps "along"
who [do] I meet today? - perhaps "will" as in looking forward. "Do" just doesn't sound right.
the past rides along wisps
of time-eroded [events] - "events" has a harsh sound..perhaps "pathways" keeping in theme with roads from above stanza
memories materialize at corners
[some that] have happened before, - "that" is an overused harsh word - "some have happened before,
[some that never occurred], [and] - avoid redundancy of "some" - others have never occurred - drop the "and"
the dead are tucked deep within
the past haunts the hallways
of lights and shadows
dark are the alleys of the mind
a gypsy’s gentle tread
through bygone valleys
[and] who [do] I meet today? - drop the and to keep it like the first stanza and change to "will"
Nicely done, rightly spoken, great little rhyming piece pleasing to the Father! IF this were my piece, I'd take out those capitals at the beginning of each line and use regular punctuation to help the reader know when to pause and for how long. Last stanza, there is an extra period after the question mark. Write on!
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BUT when broken down into shorter lines, the poem itself is INCREDIBLY wonderful. I think this one is worth moving out of the shape and given its own legs to stand on.