Great photo for the poem. Good concept. Good rhyme.
With this type of rhyme scheme, the flow is much better if each line has the same count. Yours varies from 11 to 9. You might consider an edit to make the lines even. Try not to force it, but usually with time there is a way. 12 counts per line is a commonly used rhythm for such a rhyme. Here is an example using the first three stanzas of your poem, edited to have 12 counts per line.
I watched as you left on that bitter wintry day
Without a backward glance, there were no words to say.
A frosty exterior glistened on your heart
as you altered your focus to a new life start.
From loved ones you turned away, dismissed with such ease,
like withered fallen leaves left blowing in the breeze.
A small child’s quivering hand gripped mine out of fear.
There were no pleas to stay, only one silent tear.
Keep anything I have suggested, toss out all if you wish. Only hoping to assist.
I like this...cool and dark, not quite cold. The last line of stanza one seems a bit long.
I played with the poem as if it was mine, which IT IS NOT...it is all yours and fine like it is. Here is my rendition, not completely satisfying, but it was fun to try.
A dab of gray-green here,
smudge of charcoal there,
palette slowly mixed with
dark colors, dusky hues;
I’m painting you.
A small camel hair brush,
with sparse thinned bristles
grasped in my trembling hand,
tries to capture the span
of your dark soul.
Cynicism once was
your main saving grace,
searching for the right color
to express cold beauty
that is your face.
I remember reading this previously....and I loved it then and I love it now. Vivid images, touching heart and mind...captured by Emily and the puppy and Dad...oh how sad that time slipped away. Emily and the puppy grew...I hope so did Dad.
I like the reference to the Coke commercial. Had not thought of that in ages. Short, sweet poem, basically free verse. In honor of the earth, i think..at least that is what I see.
Great sentiments but I did not feel a flow to match the poem's intent which I saw as a lover's dream...and then awakening to reality. perhaps I missed it but that is what I saw.
I...am...overwhelmed....taken to another place. This is ab-so-lute-ly INCREDIBLE!!!!! I have chills all over............ it is most definitely going to be added to the bottom of the piece for the students to see. PRAY that they (students) will SEE...HEAR..KNOW. Well, you know what I mean...that epiphany, the revelation, that truth, the vision...the journey................ Oh, you know. RATE: 10+++++++
Quite good for a first poem. I assume you mean your first poem posted on this site. Good rhyme and rhythm...it moved right along as I read it without a "bump in the road." I started to say I didn't know what happend on December 26, 2004, but then I thought: "I'm on the information highway here; find out."
"The 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake was an undersea earthquake that occurred at 00:58:53 UTC on December 26, 2004, killing more than 225,000 people in eleven countries, and inundating coastal communities with waves up to 30 meters (100 feet) high."
When put in perspective of the event, you poem is even more engaging. I change my rating from 4.5 to 5. I find nothing to change in this poem.
How can I not give this poetic piece a five
since it has such a sparkling rhythm and rhyme.
I find that I am drawn and almost taken in
by the writer and His Muse if not his sharp pen.
Norwegian, the true language of the chilly brave
who tussle to get rebellious words to behave.
I take my leave with this phrase:
Hva er galt med rim og måler?
Okay...okay. Zeros and ones? Trying here. don't get it. Something cultural, I'm missing. I'm "old" and live on a farm -maybe this is a city thing? a young thing?
But that world has long left and gone nuts, This line just screams at me for an "ago" to be implanted.
"But the world has long ago left and gone nuts.
the road the reason,
the camp—
a rest, at the end of the day. Think I might have put a "the" before camp...to be more emphatic, declarative THE camp.... hum, thinking that over...
Yet the road goes beyond the bend - Nice, since I think you put beyond since it has gone further than "around"...hummm...and I right that this was meant ?(I know multivalance - it is whatever it is)
Fav part:
the road the reason,
the camp—
a rest, at the end of the day Well said in a few words.
OVERALL...really liked it, enjoyed the journey, the rest, and the prying into the mind of the author...what did he mean? hummmm
This is one that deserves at least a 4.9. or a 9 depending on the system. To heck with these numbers.
"I've seen fire, and I've seen rain. I've seen better days that I thought would never end..."I've seen days when I could not find a friend...but I always thought that I would see you..somewhere...again." Yeah, I be singing right here in the middle, well not middle, just beginning of my reivew of this piece.
This is an exquisite visit to a place of holy burning. This piece grips the soul and won't let go. Like it wants to tug the reader into the fire, or at least onto the hot burning embers. Only so much some people can take at a time. But to really burn, letting the flame have its way! Not many.
Skipping all my consistent use of rhyme, rhythm, prattle. This one is perfect as it is.
I love the poem prayer. That first piece could be expanded or framed into a poem with quite an impact. It was quite a write that I would like to see developed on its own. I can see how you drew the first two pieces into the prayer - quite nicely.
For all those who did not come back.... a moment of silent prayer. For those who came back to a different world and could not relate... a moment of silent prayer. For those who returned and then stepped back into the fray... a moment of silent prayer. For those who went, came back, and lived to serve in a different way... a moment of silent prayer. For all who served over all time... a moment of silent prayer and praise. Your salute to the troops inspires the soul.
Good imagery for this nightly experience of sadness, anticpation of dreams both good and bad. The aloneness, if not loneliness, seeps into this existance and is held back by a golden cat. (Truly sorry for your loss.) Midnight musings are seldom sweet having had nothing good to "eat" throughout the day.
No, I will most definitely not add this one to the lot of poems written about fall. This one rises far above the lot, the rest remain as dormant as the fallen leaves. But this one lives. You have woven the sheer beauty of the autumn season with truth and wonder of the Creator. Word choice, phrasing... more excellent than my words can relate. This has to be one of the very best free verse poems I have ever read. You say you are only 17? LIfe experience resounds in this piece. But God....
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