Bloodrelic Chronicles - Prologue
---&---
An alabaster stone, wrapped in a richly-dyed violet cloth, rested gently between her palms. Fragile, thin fingers gently rubbed over the silken sphere as it pulsed with energy
- You have repetition of the word, 'gently' here. Normally that's a no biggy, but this repetition is present within the first couple sentences of your story. Don't worry though! It's an easy fix because all you have to do is remove the second instance of the word 'gently'. It doesn't add much, you don't need it, it's also an adverb that tells rather than shows and most importantly, it causes repetition in a critical part of your story.
Two deeply wrinkled, closed eyes twitched
- Beware, I will go on an adverb rampage. In this instance, you don't need 'deeply' in there. It doesn't add much to the image. Saying the eyes were wrinkled is more than enough to send a pretty vivid image into our brains without hammering it home with a 'deeply' too. 
Another wave of energy assaulted her frail body; she gently trembled.
- Meet my second most evil arch-nemesis, the semicolon. Many authors, like Steven King, suggest using semicolons sparingly and only if you absolutely, positively have to. Most other times, you can re-write to avoid it and end up with a more straight-forward, dynamic sentence with a less awkward stop. Because semicolon causes crazy awkward stops in your prose. You also used the adverb 'gently' the third time in one paragraph. You also can remove that and with a little re-write, end up with a stronger sentence. What I'm envisioning (which may be significantly different from your vision) is something like:
Another wave of energy assaulted her frail body and she trembled.
- That's right, I removed the semicolon and used 'and' and it works because I also removed 'gently'. I did that so that the statement 'she trembled' now suddenly needs to be attached to the first section of the sentence to make sense. Speaking of making sense, I hope I do. 
A low groan escaped her throat as she briefly paused along the tree encompassed path.
- There are a lot of adverbs in your very first paragraph, most of them are unnecessary, including the 'briefly' in this sentence. It doesn't add much and bulks up the sentence. You can make a very easy fix here by removing 'briefly' and slapping 'for a moment' at the end of the sentence. You could also just remove 'briefly' if you feel it isn't necessary or vital to the scene to let us know she paused just for a moment.
The wood was still, frozen in silent emptiness.
- Silent emptiness? Are you sure about that? Just in the previous paragraph you mentioned tree encompassed passes. Oh, I know you're trying to make a metaphor here and I'm messing it all up. But this statement isn't as obvious a metaphor as it should be, I had to do a double take to figure it out. It reads more like a statement of the scene, which is confusing because of what I said before. You can fix this by being more specific about the silent emptiness. Was it silent and empty of emotion? Of human presence? If you meant to say it was empty because there was no sound, I would suggest either saying, "frozen and empty of sound" or just remove 'emptiness' and let 'silent' do all the work. I think it can handle it.
Trees lacked their usual nighttime residents, the moss-bound ground strangely absent of scavengers.
- I think you need to place the word 'the' in front of 'trees'. Without 'the', it sounds like you're making a statement about all trees in real life, in all locations, including everywhere in your world. I'm sure you only meant to state that the trees in this particular location were lacking their residents, which is where 'the' comes in to save the day.
quivering woman kept her cloaked head hung low and her eyes closed; her complete concentration restricted to the object she clung to.
- This is the second semicolon and is consecutive with the previous one. I highly suggest you remove this one and replace it with a period and do some minor re-writing to avoid having to use it. Perhaps something like:
quivering woman kept her cloaked head low and her eyes closed. Her concentration was restricted to the object she clung to.
- I removed a couple of unnecessary words and pretty much just replaced the semicolon with a period. The reason why I removed a couple of words from the original statement was to shorten the sentences, make them more concise and make them less dependent upon each other. The word 'hung' wasn't really needed, for instance because when someone keeps their head low, readers already presume that head is hung. And I removed 'complete' because 'concentration' and 'restricted' already do the perfect job of indicating that there is a complete focus on the object. You've also mentioned before in the first paragraph that the woman was focusing on the object, so the statement itself is a bit redundant. However, I feel the statement serves a purpose in reminding readers so I think you should keep it.
A burning sensation slowly throbbed along her left temple
- I suggest you remove the adverb slowly. Instead of using it, is there a sensory description you could give us instead? How did the throbbing feel? Yeah, I know, I just asked you to describe a description. Bear with me here  . How did the throbbing move? Does it cause her pain? Basically at this point, I know very little about how this woman is feeling. I know what she's feeling, but not how. And I wish to see into her mind to see where this throbbing is and how it's affecting her. Is she bearing it well? Is it lacing its way around her temple and driving her insane? Or is she so concentrated on her object that the throbbing is like the thrumming of fingers on a drum? What needs to happen here is more sensory insight, because I'm a little bit detached from the emotions in the scene. The scenery, for sure, is great but how is the person dealing with it?
The small group now made haste through the woodland.
- Waah? She was with a group?  That felt like it was totally thrown out at me. I highly suggest you mention this group a lot earlier, preferably where you were describing the scenery. And, especially before I had composed a very solid mental image of her being alone in this place. Now with this group here, I have to re-arrange my scene inside of my head. There are somethings that are really good for spreading out, particularly character traits and plot points. But some things, like immediate scenery need to get thrown out there as soon as possible. I feel this group just sort of popped into existence now because I had no clue of them being there before this moment and it really throws me for a loop!
"Lady Feina. Are you sure you don't need any help?" came a gentle voice
- 'Came' needs to be capitalized. It's not a dialogue tag and is more of a narration. Therefore, it is a sentence on its own and needs to be treated as such by presuming the question mark is the actual end of the sentence.
the two following the old woman stood shoulder-to-shoulder in silence. Before them stood a Rhuk-carrier, a magnificent black bird with a closed cabin fused to its back.
- You have repetition of the word 'stood' here. It's rather distracting in this moment because it's a very important point in the scene. I suggest one of two things. The first is the easier of the two and that's to replace the first instance of 'stood shoulder-to-shoulder' with 'stopped and waited'. I know it doesn't describe exactly what you want, but it does get the message across while eliminating your repetition.
- The second option you have here is to do a major re-write to eliminate the second instance of 'stood'. The good thing about this option is you'll be able to describe the statue while writing in a more active voice. I was thinking something like:
The Rhuk-carrier, a magnificent black bird with a closed cabin fused to its back, towered before them.
"By the Gods."
- 'Gods' needs to be uncapitalized. People generally reserve the capitalization for God only when referring to the God. That's because it's what we call him. I wouldn't say it's a formal name, but it's the only title he's got (that I'm aware of). It's similar to how you would capitalize Allah's name when you speak of him. Or even a normal name like John. 'Gods', on the other hand is a widespread word referring to multiple deities and isn't a specific to a particular one, nor is it a formal title. So it should probably be uncapitalized.
tilting its head slightly.
- Remove the word 'slightly'. It adds nothing to the visual image, and isn't needed. I'm also on an adverb killing spree, so the really unnecessary ones better watch out.
; she couldn't afford any distractions
- This semicolon here and this statement should probably be removed. They're redundant because of what you've already stated before the semicolon. You also get rid of the need to use a semicolon. It's a two for one deal!
the encased spehere slowly drifted from Feina's upturned hand.
- Vague adverbs like 'gently' and 'slowly' appear a lot in your prose. That's okay though because a lot of writers tend to fall back on those words as a way to add a sense of pace. And it's easy to keep in mind while you're writing to avoid adverbs like that. However, most of the time when you use 'slowly' or 'gently', you can omit it and let your reader fill in the blank for you. This case is one of those instances, and 'slowly' can be removed with no detrimental consequences to your prose.
- You also have a typo here, 'spehere' should be 'sphere'. Unless you actually did mean to use 'spehere' in which case, you need to describe what it is. But it's likely a typo.
she slowly and unsteadily climbed upward into the cabin.
- There's that 'slowly' again, sneaky little fellow, isn't it? Also 'unsteadily' is really vague and here is a great place in your prose to really describe what it's like for this frail old woman to climb this massive bird. You could describe how her hair fanned in the breeze, or whipped in the wind. Or show us how white her knuckles are because she's gripping the ladder so hard. Or show us how her escorts are looking on and noticing how much she's shaking while climbing. Or maybe it's a combination of all those things. But you definitely need something more here besides two vague adverbs that make the scene beg to be flesh out more.
swaying and often loosing their footing.
- 'Loosing' means 'uncombined or lacking' it's also the opposite of 'tightening'. You want to use 'losing' which is 'to fail' or 'let slip from sight'.
The space within the cabin was relatively small
- What's 'relatively' small to these people? The adverb 'relatively' here serves to make us ask questions of your descriptions when you have an adequate description of the space already. To avoid these silly unnecessary questions, all you have to do is get rid of the unnecessary adverb. With 'relatively' gone, we know this space is small and that's enough for us readers to work with. You also get the bonus of avoiding the use of two adverbs in the same sentence.
With every beat of their frenzied hearts, his footsteps drew closer.
- I can understand the old woman knowing this, maybe the sphere she has with her is telling her. But this is written in a way that I interpret as the two guards she's with also knowing this, and how would they? There needs to be some clarity here as to who knows this, and who doesn't.
They had no time to waste.
- I suggest removing this. It's a bit obvious and thus is redundant and isn't needed to add any new information to the story or the dire situation.
she had never became inured to
- Either remove 'had' or replace 'became' with 'become'. Using both makes the sentence sound extremely awkward because together, they're causing a tense confusion.
; for, though in her possession, it had never truly belonged to her.
- This is a really awkwardly worded and archaic statement. You can also remove that semicolon when you fix this statement, and avoiding semicolons is always a good time! Anyway, what's making this awkward is your use of the word 'for' in front of the statement. While technically it's correct, it's also a pretty dated technique. I would suggest removing the semicolon and 'for, though' and replacing it with 'although it was' with a period preceding it. I'm talking about:
Although it was in her possession, it had never truly belonged to her.
Even with the mastery of her craft
- Her craft with what? I haven't actually seen this woman do anything more spectacular than keep the sphere in her hand, ignore a headache, and climb a ladder onto a huge bird-carrier . I'm sure she has really excellent powers beyond what I see and what I understand of, but when you mention her craft here, I really wish I had a glimpse or an explanation of what exactly it is that makes her special and skilled. As of right now, I'm not wholly convinced because I haven't seen or been introduced to any of her powers.
It could care less of her magik prowess
- Again, I haven't seen anything that would impress upon me this idea aside from her standing the headache this thing gives her and knowing where its master was (which I attributed to an effect the sphere had anyway). I realize you need to some base information out, but I think this information should have been presented earlier, or not at all because it's telling me what to think about her and why she is who she is, and forcing me to ask what skills she has. I would suggest you maybe leave out any mention of her having skills in the narration or her being magically inclined. It avoids questions, and lets readers understand that this woman is impressive in some way and they'll be happy with that. I was happy, in fact, in knowing that the sphere and her were attached somehow and was ready to leave it at that . However, this explanation of her feels a little forced and has forced me to question her powers specifically, and that's something you might not have time to explain in the prologue.
- If you have to mention her rank without raising questions in us, have one of her guards refer to her as Mage Chancellor Feina. That way, you get the information out, but don't incite as many questions as putting an explanation of her in the narration.
Khameris deeply sighed
- Remove the adverb 'deeply'. You don't need it there.
he set his slate eyes in a gaze of the endless countryside
- 'In a gaze' is a really odd wording. You want to use 'to gaze on the'. So what I'm suggesting looks like:
he set his slate eyes to gaze on the endless countryside
Rolling hills and open grasslands shadowed by the moonlight drifted past his eyes like a tapestry of smoke.
- You need to surround the statement 'shadowed by the moonlight' with commas. Without those commas it looks like you have a tense confusion with the word 'drifted'. This took me a moment to figure out because it felt odd, but I couldn't place my finger on why. What I'm suggesting is something like:
Rolling hills and open grasslands, shadowed by the moonlight, drifted pas his eyes like a tapestry of smoke.
- With the commas, you're indicating a side comment that is separated from the two main comments and makes things a lot easier to decipher for your readers. You also wrote a very lovely line here. 
the bird softly shook the cabin now and then
- 'Softly' is one of those fluff adverbs that don't add much, and should be removed.
of the deadly sickness; she had gotten the illness
- That semicolon would work much better as a period. No re-write, or re-arranging necessary. What you have here are more like two independent clauses than two clauses that need to be tied together. If you're not certain about the independence of these two clauses, you could also replace that semicolon with the word 'because'.
Feina was the only one capable of folding their way to the Mage Capitol of Thoros
- You refer to Feina specifically at the start of the sentence. So, to keep things consistent you should keep referring to only to her instead of switching to the plural 'their'. I know you want to indicate that she takes her guards with her, but readers have already assumed that. What you are doing here is describing how her skill works, and not really who she takes with her. So instead of the word 'their' you should use 'her'.
"That's an answer only she has. But, she wanted to leave, Khameris. And you know how unlike her that is, how strange the request was for her to make; she never wants to leave."
- Hey, Dude! She's also sitting right there. I suppose this feels strange to me how her two guards are talking about her as if they were doing it behind her back while she's sitting right next to them and, I presume, is able to hear them.
"Will you two quiet yourselves? I'm trying to concentrate and you're both being louder than a skavren giving birth to an oversized pup."
- Told ya, she was right there to hear you two.
They both knew it more than likely had to do
- 'More than likely' doesn't add much to the statement and actually causes the statement to sound a bit weird. Removing it will help with the flow of your sentence and won't cause any detrimental consequences.
---&---
Plot:
- So far, so good. You start us off with an interesting setting and three intresting characters. I like how you made Feina an elderly woman instead of someone young. Too many writers rely on young characters to carry a story because its easier. The elderly think differently and their bodies also react differently. So I'm looking forward to Feina's involvement, if it is a lengthy involvement. At the moment, I am actually more interested in her than I am in the mysterious sphere she has or even the individual who apparently wants it back. I also loved the bit about the bird carrier, it reminds me of fairy tales and is very creative.
- The one thing I wish to suggest to you is to focus more on your character's feelings, reactions, emotions and body language. There are a lot of adverbs (I know you heard that a lot from me, there's going to be more from me about this) that take away from your chances to get into your character's heads and really help us get to know them and deal with their feelings, thoughts and help us flesh them out as possible people. On the other hand, I felt your descriptions of sceneries and your use of porse was very successful, I want to see the sort of beautiful description used in describing how your characters feel. Also, there was the moment earlier in the story where I had the sudden shock of realizing there were more people there than just Feina.
Characters:
Feina: As I said above, you've very brave to write in the voice of an elderly individual, especially given your age. And not to mention to write a female elderly individual too, that's twice the challenge. I think you're successful so far and I hope you continue to be successful because I don't see enough older people having large involvements in stories!
Khameris & Ghadrik: I don't know enough of these two to form a detailed opinion of them yet. As it is, they seem to form the slightly inexperienced apprentice to the master archetype. I'm sure as you continue to write them, they will break out of the archetypes they were assigned and form more unique personalities. So no worries. However, as I said above, focus on their feelings and reactions. It's an excellent way to help us really feel and get to know characters.
Technical Aspects:
- Watch those semicolons. You keep those in control fairly well, with a few strays here or there. I will continue to point out those I feel you definitely need to remove in the future as well as write a short reminder in this section for you.
- Adverbs. There are a lot of them in here and many of them aren't needed and only serve to fluff up the prose and make it more cluttered than it needs to be. There are also some adverbs I felt that needed to be instances where you showed something instead. You're good at showing things! Just sometimes, you need to avoid those adverbs and fluff in order to just show instead. In future reviews, I will highlight the most glaring adverbs and write a short reminder in this section. Same deal as the semicolons.
Overall: I cut this review right after the first scene transition because it was getting rather long and I wanted to put my full focus on the second half of the prologue. It isn't a comment on the length of your prologue at all, so don't worry . In fact, the length is perfect for a published book size and I presume you're aiming for publication. The one thing I suggest you look out for most is your use of adverbs. In the future, I will make one very short reminder in the technical suggestions area if there are adverb problems, and only point out glaring adverbs for you. Just keep in mind that whenever you use an adverb, there's a way you can use showing instead to paint a more vivid scene. And always ask if that adverb you use really adds anything to the statement or if it's just cluttering things up. Aside from that and a general desire to know your characters more, you're off to a good start.
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| (3.5)
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