This was a very nice poem. You did a great job of making it sound dark and kind of suspenseful. The only suggestion I have is to change "Sanity says" to something like "Sanity pleads" or "Sanity commands". Also, instead of "says the evil within", you could say "roars the evil within" or "bellows the evil within". I'm also a bit confused about the last stanza. Why was the fact that the Evil was controlled and kept hidden the worst thing? Other than these few things, very nice work!!
I agree completely with your points about feminism. It is not about making women dominant, nor the hatred of men, but to raise awareness about how unfair some women are being treated and how women should not be looked or treated differently from men. It is also true that no matter how equal we make women and men, they will always be different, though, like you said, we can still respect both genders and give them the fair treatment that they deserve. Nice job!
This was beautifully written! I love the word choices you used, and my favorite part was either "season's icy breath" or "The parks glisten in the morn with showered dew across the grass blades". I just wish that it was longer, because I would love to read more about your take on winter in London. Great work!!!
I understand how "yours and mine" is worded that way because it's supposed to rhyme with "devine", but it kind of bothers me, because I believe that it's supposed to be "mine and yours". But I don't know maybe I'm just being weird or picky. Anyway, I'm kind of confused on the point you were trying to make. I think more detail on the relationship could help the reader understand better. Also, I'm confused by "the devil's snare" and "to the grave I take" and " ne'er to deaths' affair". Did this poem take a dark turn? Like I said, more detail would be awesome! Good job! :)
I liked how the character seemed to have such a strong connection to his motorcycle. You described this as one, and I think that leaves a bigger impression than if you separated them. I think to improve this poem, you could put more detail about the cancer. What happened in the months to come? How did his motorcycle help him cope? I think details like this would help the reader feel more emotionally attached. Great job!
This poem was amazing! I love how you inspired it by a novel, and you did a fantastic job of recreating the emotions and situation of Noah and Allie. The only thing I can say that may be close to negative would be that you have some mistakes ("I" not be capitalized, etc.) and there was a lot of big words close together that may confuse some people. I loved it, great job!!!
I like the sweet meaning behind it. However, I think it was lacking detail. Maybe talk more about how scared he was to tell his sister that he was moving? How much did those campfires mean to him, why did they mean so much? How happy was he that his sister would be moving to the same area as him? More details, but good story :)
This was really great. It's very impressive that you can write such a wonderful poem about something as simple as a penguin. I love how you describe the penguin living it's day, but also the struggles of the cold weather, predators, and not being able to fly. I really love how you describe the penguin as wearing a tux. Amazing job! :)
I like that it was personal and made the readers feel some kind of emotion. However, I think more details with the emotions will help the reader connect more. Also, some kind of information about the situation would be better. I don't really understand the "By warmth of day or in cold night of rain" thing you have repeated. I don't know what that's supposed to mean or how it's relevant. Overall, good job, and it can be improved by more details and descriptions.
I like the idea of different things that can mean happiness for a person. But you were very vague and not at all descriptive. You didn't have anything that made me connect to it or made me see myself in it. "It's seeing a child's smile" and "It's when unpleasant thoughts go away" is quite basic and not very interesting. Think of creative and original things that makes you or other people happy. I am also not a big fan of your last line, because I feel like it just doesn't fit very well. Being more descriptive and personal can greatly improve this poem.
You have a good concept about smiling through life. But you made a good deal of grammar mistakes throughout this poem. Also, it doesn't make me want to keep reading it. I felt like I had to keep reading. I understand it was your intention to have the "Smile" repeated in front of every line, but it really gets boring. You need something to hook your readers to make them WANT to read it, not feel like they HAVE to. Also, you should be more descriptive. What scenarios should you keep smiling? Just saying "smile when you feel afraid" and "smile when your really frowning" do not tell me anything about this person that you are writing to.
I really liked this! I think this is a great flash fiction piece, or maybe a piece of a story that you could write one day. It was very sweet and I liked the imagery in it. Maybe you should talk more about this guy. What he looked like, his personality, how he would react to certain situations. Why do they have to be in a long distance relationship? Great job!
I think this is really good. It's very eerie and dark. I think this is more of a flash fiction piece, though, instead of a short story. Also, when you say "This isn't my kind of thing to do. Why am I even holding this?", you should make it clearer that this is Alice's thoughts. Maybe put it in italics or add an "Alice thought." at the end. And when you say "How could she have done such a thing?" are you talking about cutting her own hand? If so, I don't think that line fits, because I was under the impression that she cut herself on accident. If not, and she's talking about killing her husband, than maybe you should clarify that. Other than these couple of things, great job! :)
It had a good concept to it. However, you have a lot of run-on sentences and grammar mistakes, so you might want to review over it. Also, you are very vague, even for a short story. What about this girl makes her seem like a mystery? Why is she like a puzzle? Why are you attracted to this girl? How do you see her hiding her flaws? It seemed very rushed and didn't really connect with the reader. Also, you started out by directing this to an unnamed girl, but in the middle you change to directing towards the reader. You should stick with one or the other, but not change it in the middle.
I like the comparison with being heartbroken to being "dead" by "locking your heart in a box". I also really love the line "So you cannot dance upon my bloody muscle." I like how it gives off a dark vibe. However, I think you should make the title something more relevant to the poem. Something about being "dead" from being heartbroken, or locking your heart in a box. And maybe use a different term for "box', instead of repeating it several times.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ashlynbeach
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 6:15am on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
