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51
51
Review of Strong Woman  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again,

The story has a clear, delineated beginning, middle and ending-difficult to successfully achieve in such a short word count. Well done. I can see this as a beginning for a longer piece

Ten-year-old Elle Palmer woke with a start. Not a hook that makes me want to read further. Too many stories I do not critique begin with someone opening their eyes or waking up. A waste of words better utilized in moving the plot forward.

Her father was standing in the doorframe of her bedroom holding a lantern. A tall man casts a tall shadow across the dingy lodgings. The flickering light threw strange shadows on his face. A suggestion, (and please remember it is my option as a reader only) would be to condense these three sentences into one concise sentence to avoid redundancies.

His eyes glowed with intense fear. Verb –A filter word distancing reader from the narrative.

“What’s wrong, papa?” the girl (his young daughter) asked and started crying. “I didn’t do anything bad, papa.” (Again, combine sentences and actions that fir neatly together)

“Never mind,” he said, traversing the room in three large strides. He threw some clothes (identify an article of clothing, a coat perhaps?) Into the young girl’s lap. “Put those on. Quick.” (Short sentences to indicate stress and urgency.)

The man had been gazing out the bedroom window. (I suggest turning towards the window as he hears the mob, sees the fiery brands. Some indication of the problem needed so the story can coalesce) He turned on the girl with frank anger. “I swear to hell, Elle, you get dressed, or I’ll …”)

Different actors = different paragraphs:
He raised his hand (to smack the child is unnecessary.)
She shrank back in terror. (This is telling instead of descripting her actions)

“Aw, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Get dressed, baby.” (Would a fearful man speak like this in a time of high stress and danger???)

She did. Her father waited impatiently, finally doing up the last button on the nondescript beige-colored shirt himself. On-the-nose writing isn’t necessary and drags the plot. The word “button” could be utilized elsewhere.

“Where are we going, papa? Elle buttoned her frayed coat.

“Never mind.”

They stole out the backdoor, the father roughly dragging the girl by the hair. They crouched low among the cattails and pickerelweeds, watching the mob of shouting men moving further up the yard, torches burning in their hands. Might make the paragraph more suspenseful by separating the action of man and child from the mob.

“I’m scared,” confessed the girl. (Dialog tags are generally limited to “said” and “asked.”)

Her father’s grip tightened. “Yeah.” Good use of action tag!!!

They pulled a wooden canoe into the nearby river and boarded it. (How did they get to the river? ) Once they were a good distance out, the man permitted (Verb filtering the narrative) himself a backward glance. The entire cabin was up in flames now. The sound of the mob had subsided. Frogs croaked in the darkness.

“I’m sorry I killed the stable boy.” (Some indication of speaker needed, and a clue as to why the boy was killed.)

“It’s okay, baby.”

“Where are we gonna go, papa?”

“That’s a good question.”

“Is there somewhere out there with other people like me?”

He studied her thoughtfully. “Perhaps.” (Telling)

She smiled, her fangs gleaming white in the moonlight. (The ending, I feel does a disservice to the reader because no indication the couple was vampires hinted at in the body of the story. Would be like the movie Jaws not mentioning a shark until the attack.

Keep striving to achieve success as a writer,
Cathryn


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52
52
Review by Cathryn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Charlie,
The theme is quite appropriate at a time when liars and schemers are applauded, exalted, and worshipped, and accountability and personal responsibility counts for naught!!!
Entertaining read capturing the ridiculous excuses given by individuals who cannot own up to their own stupidity and self-centeredness.
Cathryn


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53
53
Review of Obtuse  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Sumojo,

Pure delight and very Odgen Nash-ian!!!


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54
54
Review of "IF"  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, G.B.,

I felt I was reading either the text of a powerful sermon or a motivating commencement address. (but the sound advice would benefit any audience!!!)
My immediate reaction was recalling Kipling's marvelous poem, "If"... and Polonius's advice to Laertes before his son leaves Denmark and embarks for Europe.
Good writing,
Cathryn
P.S. Are you a poet, too?


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55
55
Review by Cathryn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Bats,

Still chuckling at the clever, clever "jokester" ending! In fact, I chuckled throughout the entire story.
Boy, could I relate to the jokes; there are lots of similar jokes told by Pennsylvanians about New Jersey and its citizen!

Great read,
Cathryn


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56
56
Review of Take This Job...  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Quiltingmama,

Your whiz-bang opener hooked me immediately. You hit all the right bells and whistles, as far as I am concerned; beginning in medias res(the middle of the action), a great narrative voice, a unique style encouraging further reading of the story, a hint of conflict. I was eager to continue reading.
But I was sorely disappointed with the remainder of the story. Gone were the delightful descriptive elements, the distinctive voice, the style reflected in that first amazing paragraph.
The use of the "bookend, technique was excellent, and the plot was strong with a likable protagonist, however, the overuse of tropes and cliqued expressions dampened my enthusiasm for this piece.

Best,
Cathryn


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57
57
Review by Cathryn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Odessa,
Thank you so much for sending me this sequel to read. I did think(and sorry I didn't express the idea after reading the first flash fiction concerning this family) that there was, as Paul Harvey famously said "The rest of the story".

The tie-in with chasing the sun added a convincing and satisfying ending to this interesting tale.

Cathryn


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58
58
Review of Chasing the Sun  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Odessa,

For me, this is a perfect little gem of a flash fiction story.
The father's yearning, the son's questioning, the wife's hesitancy blend perfectly in this taut, cohesive work--nothing else was required to inform and enlighten the reader.

Cathryn


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59
59
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Max.
Reading this story, I was reminded of "The Little Drummer Boy", and thought what a marvelous Christmas movie this would make! (think Rankin and Bass animated cartoons.)
The message is powerful without being overstated, preachy, or heavy-handed.

The characters, some filled with Christain kindness, others not so much, are well-delineated.

A suggestion concerning transitions:

" Late that afternoon, he stood in the sanctuary admiring the Nativity Scene. Susan's lush blanket swaddled the Baby Jesus. "

Maybe describe the weak December sun filtering through the stained-glass window on the madonna's glowing, alabaster face.



"Two hours later, townspeople began to trickle in"

Maybe describe the preacher putting on his vestments and hearing the merry voices and the rustling as the parishioner's arrival.

"At last, all settled in their pews,"

Maybe have the preacher nod at the organist to begin playing the hymn. The preacher can nod and smile at the congregation as they "settle" (maybe describe their settling)

I will remember this lovely story and hope you can find a publisher.

Cathryn


P.S. I feel maybe the title could be reworked. ( the main theme isn't really about the knitter.


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60
60
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Anna Marie,

Boy, did your rhyme stir memories of childhood nursery rhymes; in particular "This Is the House That Jack Built".
Chuckled at the antics of the critters.
Very clever, catchy piece!
Several lines threw me out of the poetry because the meter failed to remain consistent. The first example was this: The rabbits had their habits to contend with, but it was funny to see Bugs Bunny steal the show.
I am going to read your poem to my granddaughter-they will enjoy it!

Cathryn


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61
61
Review of Ya Know?  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear E.O.,

"One of these days, Alice!" Do you remember the TV show The Honeymooners starring Jackie Gleason as Ralph Krmden? Your character reminds me of that obnoxious guy who, to me, was a misogynist.
Very good characterization. I loathed Stan. Dialogue alone gave the reader a fully-fleshed-out individual one "loved to hate."

The story began "in medias res", but maybe some clarification as to setting might have helped comprehension. The setting was addressed in passing, but so much info was packed into that first paragraph, I missed important info and was a bit confused while reading this piece.

I feel the beginning was actually embedded in the story. See what you think like this for the beginning hook.

Stan shifted in his seat. It creaked loudly in the church basement. He cleared his throat and continued.(began)

"I really didn't mean to do it. Ya know?".

Nods were given from around the room. It was his fifth anger management meeting.


Maybe this block of dialogue could be infused with action and reflection:

"I try to tell her I'm fine, but she worries. That's all she does. She just lays there some nights in bed, and I can just hear her thoughts, ya know? She's always thinking, thinking, thinking. I can't stand that kind of loud silence. Sometimes I leave the room to go sleep on the couch, but she will follow me asking what's wrong and is our marriage ok, and I don't know how to answer her. I don't think it has ever been ok."

Noted a punctuation error concerning quoting someone verbatim in a line of dialogue.

"My wife likes to get on me about my health. She says I have an addictive personality. 'You don't know how to do anything in moderation, Stan. You're going to die and leave me all alone just because you don't know when to stop!'"

A good story that captured reality. Entertaining, enjoyed reading it.

Cathryn


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62
62
Review of Snow Bound  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Soldier_Mike,
Enjoyed reading your semitragic/comic story. "Poor schmuck," is right!!!
Your writing is smooth and flows well with few grammatical errors, very descriptive, and the plot is amusing and entertaining with a definite beginning, middle, and ending.
I have a few suggestions--my opinion only, so take it as just that from a "critter" who likes helping good writers !!!
Major things I look for when critiquing include a beginning "hook" to gain the reader's interest, plot sequencing, "in-scene" writing(acts like a TV camera recording the characters' actions and their dialogue) and misuse of pronouns which make for "fuzzy" content and slows reading comprehension.

Below, I copied your story and will add comments.


Apparently," said Ed, as he finished clearing an area in the snow for the medics to carry out the stretcher, "he and the missus had a doozy of an argument. Yes, you began with an inciting incident but immediately flashbacked to information neither fireman could have known--a detective, yes, but firemen???


Too many pronouns.
He said some things and she said some things, breakables were exchanged against the walls. So, he shouted something about it being warmer out here than in the room with her, grabbed a bottle of Jack, his sleeping bag and tent, and stormed out. Looks like he set up camp here, probably thinking the overhang would provide some shelter from the wind and snow."

Scott he might have been introduced in the beginning paragraph with Ed and described as firemn from the first. finished the path from the concrete slab to the mound of broken snow. He turned to his partner.

"Can you believe all this snow, Ed?" he asked. "It was really coming down last night, but look at the sky now."

Both firemen gazed into the Colorado morning sky, struck by the clear, deep blue even as they squinted in the glare of reflected sunshine off of the pure white landscape.

"Yeah, it sure is pretty. And how about that wind, blowing everything all over? It really piled the snow up around his tent, didn't it? Covered it right over in no time and gave him that wind screen he was looking for. Unfortunately, for him, it also made a huge drift off the overhang. The drift broke off and landed right on the tent. Added to the snow it was already carrying, the tent collapsed under the weight, and I guess he couldn't fight his way out. With that empty bottle, he might not even have tried. He was all curled up at the bottom of his sleeping bag, and then he got trapped."

"Poor schmuck," Scott muttered watching the medics carry the stretcher with the victim's body draped in black cloth as he opened the door from the patio into the house. "Suffocated in his own backyard. Go figure."

If you are going to rewrite from POV of Schmuck, I like this as the opening hook. The "Go figure" comment could flashback to the couple's argument.
[296 words]


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63
63
Review of Missing you  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Ben,

Beautifully crafted story! I read several mystery magazines (Hitchcock, Ellery Queen), and this piece ranks up there with the professionals, in my opinion.
Building tension to the climatic, dynamite ending (that sadly, happens not only in fiction), authentic dialogue that captures characters' motives and mindset, and a straightforward plot with no tricks or "gotchas" to fool the reader are a few of the techniques capturing my attention and admiration.

Best,
Cathryn


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Graywriter,

Lured by your story's descriptive first paragraph, ("Aha," I thought, there's something compelling about the author's style")I read the next paragraph which gave the setting as well as the inciting incident. I was hooked!

The theme of your story toggled for me, and I am certain other readers' "better-left-forgotten" school-year memories.

Jimmy is a likable character--further impetus to continue reading. I chuckled at the slightly deprecatory narrator's voice.

The use of the metaphor of the stone rolling into the gutter as the possible outcome of Jimmy's plan was marvelous.

I felt, my opinion, remember, that describing and detailing the encounter between Jimmy and the girls (and their reactions to his disastrous "lunch bag" incident) might have added another layer to the story's realism.

Jimmy is obviously elated. His plan has succeeded. Or has it? (We all know about the best-laid plans.)

I felt some indication of Carmina's intentions might have been warranted; does she genuinely like him? only toying with the boy's raw emotions? willing to humiliate Jimmy in front of her friends?

I enjoyed this story. Keep writing and honing your craft.

A suggestion or two on the structure and grammar usage:

1. Too many "fuzzy pronouns. One paragraph includes fourteen instances of their use! And nine beginning paragraphs used a noun or a pronoun.

2. Overlong sentences might be more impactful if broken into smaller clauses.

Cathryn


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65
65
Review of Joker  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Odessa,

OMG! Still laughing!!

Cathryn

P.S. Did you hear the one about Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walking into a bar...?


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66
66
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Lurie Park,

Your poem is pretty good on its own, but after reading your bio I was duly impressed. A girl as young as you, with English as her second language, shows a surprisingly unique writing ability.

By developing your talents, I feel you have wonderful potential for emerging as an excellent poet.

I might suggest reading many poets' works and distilling their unique styles, their rhyme schemes, and their use of poetic devices such as assonance, consonance, and enjambment (to name a few).

Your poem reminds me of Gwendolyn Brooks's poem: We Real Cool. Here is a website that will analyze this poem for you: https://poemanalysis.com/gwendolyn-brooks/we-real-...

Looking forward to reading more of your poetry,
Cathryn


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67
67
Review of Noise Pollution  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Queen,

Flash fiction, for me, is so much fun to read when the story has a definite beginning, middle, and endings--as your has!! And a clever ending, at that. Nice work.

The piece is descriptive, evoking the mood, setting, and the protagonist's feelings.

The interspersion of dialogue and action adds to the flow of this piece.

A couple of suggestions--my opinion only, and please take them in the kind spirit in which they are given. Thanks!!

Writing "in-scene" (as the story is unfolding at the moment it is occurring) would add, I feel, immediacy to the action. Instead of "explosion had woken me" perhaps "The explosion overhead woke me. I jumped out of my skin."

Fireworks light the sky as well as emit loud explosions--I think the sparkling flairs and brilliant colors illuminating the sky should have been mentioned as a factor waking the narrator from his sleep.

Enjoyed reading your story,
Cathryn


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review of Old Soul  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Fyn,

This marvelous poem reminds me of the works of Billy Collins, one of my favorite modern poets.
You invite the reader into your world with a friendly, homey style that gradually draws the readers deep into the subject--and then you clobber them with intense meaning and feelings.
Excellent!

Cathryn


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69
69
Review of A Lesson in Love  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, jdennis.
Very witty piece of flash fiction. The ending is subtle and packs a wallop.
Dialogue sounds authentic and sets the scene deftly. In a few words, the reader "gets" the reality of Emily and Bill's marriage, and prepares him/her for the ending.
Well done!
Cathryn


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70
70
Review of Pausing  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, HUntersMoon,
The traveler in Robert Frost'spoem said "yet knowing how way leads unto way, I doubted I would ever be back"; however, your poem suggests a final merging of ways and people.

Beautiful metaphors.


I am committed to memorizing a poem a day( haven't succeeded yet, but working on it), and after memorizing "Accounts" by Czeslaw Milosz, I am going to commit your lovely poem to memory.

Cathryn


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71
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Review of Jeremy's Debut  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed reading your story. Almost everyone has experienced the panic and fear a "first" performance often occasions, and you captured Jeremey's panic, fears, and doubts as he debuts his magic act for seniors--the tension ratchets up as we realize his grandparents are in the audience and magic acts are a family tradition.The reader sympathizes with the progtagonist immediately!

You began in "medias res" and did not wander needlessly around the landscape before getting to the heart of the story, but the first paragraph did not really hook me--it read like a child's pre-primer; "See Spot run". It may have been a technique you purposely utilized,because I did notice you used that same repetitive format in another paragraph. Maybe the story is written for a young audience, but even so, it should be fast-paced to keep interest from flagging.
The banter between the grandparents was refreshing, and their pride in Jeremey typical of doting grandparents.

The story flows well and has flashes of descriptive elements, then the narrative reverts to "telling" the reader what is occurring instead of describing the actions.

The ending has an embedded, clever twist. I was left wondering if the grandparents had something to do with the sudden reappearance of Bugs, the rabbit. And that makes me question why the rabbit was introduced earlier. If the bunny had peeked out of the hat, the audience would have seen the animal and certainly reacted at that time.

"Jeremy placed the hat on the table." Where was the table?? Maybe should have been mentioned in the beginning paragraph.

Is granny the grandmother or, as stated eleswhere, the great grandmother?

"...peek through his tightly closed eyes"; Is that possible?

"Jeremy shuffled the cards again,“Sim, sim, sa, la, bim.” Correction: Jeremy shuffled the cards again. “Sim, sim, sa, la, bim,” he said.

What was I thinking? I can’t do this! (requires an attribute)

Very good writer with a definite flair for an inventive plot. Remeber a mix of narration, action and dialogue makes for a lively, interesting read.

Sorry, but I cannot let this go. The following paragraph has bothered me, but I hesitated mentioning it because you are an experienced writer with a lot of awards under your belt--and I do not want to appear officious. But, here goes and remember, this is just my opinion: The small crowd started clapping slowly. Jeremy’s grandparents beamed from the front row of chairs and wheelchairs. His grandfather nodded, almost nudging(nudging is a phusical action) him to get started with the show. needs to be a new paragraph. The rule is: new actor= new paragraph Jeremy stared at him mouthing the words, Ladies and Gentlemen. He suddenly remembered he was supposed to be performing his magic act.
again new paragraph; how could he forgetwhen he was mouthing tghe words?

I have enjoyed your story, and hopefully some of my suggestions might resonate with you,
Cathryn


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72
72
Review of Should Be A Hot  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Fyn,
I have wondered the very same thing!!
Reminds me a little of Odgen Nash's humor.
Very nice.

One thing: the rhythm falters in the last stanza.

why the heck is what I have(to be consistent, should contain 5 syllabes)

called a cold???(to be consistent, should contain 5 syllables)

Achoo!! Keep writing,
Cathryn


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
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Review of Soft Summer Rain  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lou,
(Please excuse if this is a duplicate- I do not believe my first critique was sent.)
Your evocative poem is sensitive and reminds me of Sara Teasdale's "There Will Come Soft Rains". The metaphors are thoughtful and apt.
My one comment: utilizing strong verbs and avoiding 1st person POV narration may help readers feel the immediacy of the situation.
"Soft summers rains kissed the earth..."
I would be interested in your thoughts on this idea and it is only my thoughts--you are the author.
Cathryn


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74
74
Review of Christmas Lights  
Review by Cathryn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Queen NormaJean,
Clever, inventive plot. I felt it was a taut bit of flash fiction--complete with beginning, middle, and ending.
However, I did feel the beginning wasn't really the "hook"; too many words were spent on the dog's part of the story when the interesting aspect was Santa's visit and the help provided.

"Jasper and I went into the house. But darn, those lights did look nice." Love the ending!! Maybe "book-end this story by opening with some immediate reference to the tangled mess the dog created with the lights, and end with that last sentence. Just my thought.

Nice read!!


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75
75
Review by Cathryn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Seuzz,
Ah, another great "read" for me! I do so enjoy your rollicking humor and wit.
Title well-suited to the theme of this story.
The plot was well thought out, and the additional hints sprinkled throughout the piece wrapped the piece in a neat, satisfying ending.
Besides a great plot. I felt the characterization was very good; I could envision the two of them plotting the murder of the hapless weather forecaster.
The sentence tags (grinned, sneered, moaned, panted-lots of panting going on!) bothered me and threw me out of the story.
One point felt to me unrealistic; an approaching typhoon could NOT be an erroneous forecast--accurate technical information can be verified by radar.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story.


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