Your work always reveals fresh insights into the human condition.
I have one suggestion (well,two actually).
1. Those memories are sweet and piercing,
Like thorns and petals
2. I feel by strictly following established patterns for rhyme and meter somethng vital is lost in this poem, constricting the poet's marvelous voice.
Thank you for introducing me to the poet seers!
"Someone Should Start Laughing" is divine.
Powerful. Evocative.
A poem I will memorize and recite in the early hours of the morning when sleep eludes; and to those who ask how I am feeling my reply will be,"I am doing the autumn leaves shuffle."
I have been absent from this site for a while, and with a gentle email reminder from Writing.Com, I signed in. The first entry up for review was yours. "How fortutious," I thought.
Another powerfully poetic piece.
Reminded me of Sara Teasdale's poem "There Will Come Soft Rain".
"... and not one, neither bird nor tree,
will mind if mankind perished utterly.
And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn
Would scarcely know that we were gone.
Hello, Iamb.
Your author's note was compelling; I was anticipating your story, but the switch from your authentic voice to the "author's voice" /" protagonist's voice" disappointed me.
Writing in-scene(like a camera focusing on the action) might be useful.
The first note was timed almost perfectly. It bounced off my workstation in the University of Washington IT Lab just as I walked in. I froze and watched the ping pong ball roll across the floor, vaguely aware of a low-pitched ‘whump’ and a tiny tingle of air brushing past my face. Where the hell did that come from? I looked around to see who had tossed the ball but, as usual, I was the first one in. I picked it up and saw that it was almost covered with writing:
A low-pitched ‘whump’ and a tiny tingle of air brushed past my face. I froze and watched the golf ball rolling across the floor of the University of Washington II Lab. Where the hell did that come from? It was only----o'clock and, as usual, I was the first to arrive.I picked up the golf ball;it was almost covered with writing.
I also think the inciting incident(the golf ball lobbed into the lab with words written in the narrator's handwriting) might require emphasis instead of simply wandering around in the wilderness with filler and non=essential information.(on-the -nose writing isn't required-just a suggestion will do.
I gathered, I left, I stood, I couldn't help wondering, I took, I thought = filter words that block the immediacy and real-life feel. Also, too any paragraphs began with that particular formulation.
I’d only known the Doc a few weeks, but his loss had really hit me hard. I had skipped the funeral and turned to Lisa for comfort. Here reverting to events in the past-change of tense required.
“Well, maybe so,” she mused noncommittally. “But sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence.” Dialogue tag should be limited (mostly) to "asked"or "said" and indicate noncommittal by some physical reaction(show instead of telling).
Thank you for the wonderful example of the poetic form -etheree. And a double etheree, at that!! Lovely.
This was a new type of poetic form for me, and I did a little research into how it is constructed; you did a splendid job. I feel the creativity of your words and use of split sentences is masterful.
I am going to save this poem in the book of favorite poems I collect.
Thanks again,
Cathryn
Hello, Rojodi,
Well-paced story with a satisfying plot. The story has an even flow that never deviates from the main theme. Well done. I do have some suggestions, and take them or leave them as is your wont. My opinion only, but done with good intentions and is well-meaning.
What do you mean this isn’t the egg?”
no hook for me How about: Pascal Egg of Frederick William IV’
Of course, I was upset.
No, later in the story, it is clear the agent knew all the details about the Egg
.I spent the better part of the last year searching for it. Specify how many months and where searched--aids in imparting setting
The client,
name him, as well as the agent
the man wearing a fresh daisy in his lapel gave me a photo of what he wanted and why: An heirloom egg, made of gold, brought to the U.S. by his Prussian great-grandparents, stolen during last Christmas’ charity ball, and wanted to give it to his daughter on her wedding day.
This section would be more effective written in-scene with the two men having a discussion with physical and emotional details
He picked up the object and held it in his hand. “The Egg should weigh more than this. It was made of solid gold.” He tossed it to me.
New actor/action = new paragraph
I caught it before it hit my iced coffee.
I shook my hand.
My head????
“We did a little research, Mr. Von Riffelbacher. According to documents we read at the German embassy,
the Pascal Egg of Frederick William IV omit
was never made of solid gold. It was a golden box in the shape of an egg.”
I took a sip of my drink, the pause calculated to make him stew.
Telling;
show him balancing the egg as if weighing it instead of sipping coffee. He has the upper hand so demonstrate that fact
I continued, omit
“I’m guessing you knew this. You wanted us to retrieve it and tell you who stole it so you could bring personal justice to him.”
Too many fuzzy pronouns muddling the meaning..and you have begun most of the paragraphs with pronouns, too; either "I" or "He'
“Is that such a bad thing?” the casino owner scowled sat up straighter in the leather chair.
Might be effective if a more ominous gesture of a threatening nature
I became nervous.
Telling
he could be readying himself would have and have his men
His men could be outside waiting
‘take care of me’
is idiomatic, and not descriptive-leaves no goosebumps for the reader to imagine the fate of our protagonist
“So, where did you find it?” I inhaled deeply
knowing that my next words could cause my death.
Show fear rather that tell
I looked at the tough
Tough is idiomatic and some readers may not know that expression. And this character should be introduced earlier and not sprung on the reader; it is like the shark in the film Jaws not being introduced before he attacks the swimmer--unfair to the reader.
at the door, the one who had
been fidgeting our conversion.
typos, I think
I closed my eyes. "Of course, I will be paid.”
He nodded.
I pointed towards the door.
Hope this is so some value to you. I find critiquing helps me improve my own writing--sometimes we need a "fresh pair of eyes" as they say on CSI. ha
Best luck to you, and I would like your feedback if you feel like emailing me your response. It helps me see how authors feel about my critiques.
I think this is a whiz-bang, creative idea for a children's book dealing in a humourous way with childhood fears.
Several suggestions from reading kiddie-lit to my grandchildren.
1. Consider changing the narrative voice.
2. Maybe provide real, concrete examples children reading the book can readily relate to. Perhaps show the protagonist's fears by following their day and describing a series of particular "spider-causing" events.
3. The protagonist might discuss his concerns with several individuals during the school day (and give us their opinions or solutions).
4. Before bringing the problem to Mom and Dad, maybe have the protagonist try some of the friends'/teachers' suggestions--with varying degrees of success.
.
Very good luck to you,
Cathryn
Hello, Brenpoet,
A perfect rhyme scheme.A perfect metric style. Perfect narrative voice, and a perfect nursery rhyme--second one I critiqued today--describing how the frightened child is rescued by Mom, the hero of this fantastic piece.
Hello, Huntersmoon,
Delightful, modernized nursery rhyme caught my eye before I checked on the author--of course, it was written by my favorite author on this site!!
I can imagine this piece included in an anthology of updated rhymes.
Best,
Cathryn
Here is an updated version I learned a long time ago:
Hickory, Dickery, Dock
Three mice ran up
A grandfather clock.
The clock struck one.
The others escaped with
Minor injuries.
A graphic depiction of a young person's internal growth from a powerless victim to a strong, independent individual capable of controlling their body and their ultimate destiny.
Stirred memories of Elvis singing the mournful song, The Green, Green Grass of Home. I enjoy his version because of the reverential--almost spiritual--undercurrents that are missing from Porter Wagoner's version.
Are you planning to set this poem to music?
Well done.
Too, too funny--and realistic.
OMG, I thought, reading this amusing piece and sipping my cuppa(avid--maybe even a rabid-- coffee drinker since age eleven). So thankful coffee has so many benefits that I don't have to use your wickedly clever mathematical method to devise a way to continue drinking coffee if scientists suddenly declare drinking java was detrimental to one's health!!!
Thanks for the chuckle, and we won't even tiptoe around ways to calculate the number of donuts required with each cup of coffee.
Hello, Dr. M.C. Gupta,
Enjoy your poetry and the explanation of the poetic mode you utilized.
Just yesterday I read Neruda's poem, “Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines" so your poem and Neruda's are like a coin; the obverse sighs for love lost, and your words, on the reverse, sing of love won.
You might enjoy Ella Fitzgerald's version of Black Coffee, too.
YouTube has several versions of her singing at various stages in her career. I enjoy her earlier renditions, but a later version deeply resonates for me-she sounds as if life experiences have shaded her words with empathy and pure emotion as she matured.
Almost passed over this story after reading the description. Do I want to read about a crippled man on such a gloomy morning? I thought. But the humourous first lines drew me in, and then I saw the story was written by one of my favorites!!! Whee!!
Good plot and an interesting story with a hopeful ending.
I noted the following areas for your consideration: use of filter words, authorial interference, and dialogue tags vs. action tags.
A large, dour-looking nurse entered the room. "Und how are ve today, Herr Doctor?" I feel it might be effective to add some action after the nurse enters the room.
"I think you're safe, Anna. I'm not up to chasing you around the bed just yet." Same idea here. Does he wink at the nurse? A good chance to add some characterization to Robert's profile.
Anna chuckled. "You haf eine visitor," she said disapprovingly. Why is she disapproving? I can understand if she is a dour person, but then why did she chuckle?
she said disapprovingly. A filter word that indicates to the reader that the story is being told rather than experienced.
"No ..." Bob started but was cut off when the door opened and as an old woman pushed into the room. The dialogue tells readers all they need to know without authorial interference.
Hello, Paul,
I thought I was reading a story written by a teenager or young adult because the angst and hysteria displayed by the protagonist are truly spot-on; so typical of that age group. Very good characterization.
“I HATE YOU,” she screamed then stood her ground, glaring at me and leaning forward like she was going pounce on her prey. Me{{/c}/b}
My suggestion: Rewrite this sentence eliminating most of the pronouns in this sentence. (forgive me, but muddled pronouns are a pet peeve of mine and catch my eye almost immediately)
Glad you are still honing your craft. I read(and enjoyed) your story about the lost/found locket when I first joined this marvelous writing group.
Hello, Dawn.
For me, the disturbing stereotypical construct of this piece left me feeling uneasy especially in today's world where acceptance and tolerance should be manifest in our writing as well as our everyday lives.
Nevertheless. here is my suggestion concerning the mechanics of writing fiction: the use of action tags vs dialogue tags. The following sentence uses both a dialogue tag and an action, but the action by itself could be utilized as the tag. "What are those for?" Jason asked, pointed to the three large color-coordinated boxes positioned in their living room.
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