This story, in which a person goes for a hike, and gets suddenly swept under a storm of snow, is a great reminder that no matter how far humankind gets with technology, and how smart we think we are, the smallest 'mood' change of nature, and we're in total loss
What I liked most about the story is your beautiful describtions. "A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky; cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top." - this is amazing, I could picture myself in the forest so easily.
Just a little typo I noticed: "I couldn't see it, but still sensed it's approach.." -- I think it should be "its".
Write ON!
Dana
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Your story tells about a guy who plans to give a girl something metalic in a romantic surrounding, but it doesn't work out quite as he'd planned. I think it was written very well and the twist was very nicely done and surprising.
However, I have just one thing to point out, and it's that your story has no rating, and this may stop some members of WDC from reviewing it.
I believe this may be rated [E], but anyways this is the guide for correct rating: "Content Rating System (CRS)"
This poem is so beautiful, reading it made me smile. You've described the short life of a snowflake beautifully, making it come alive. Your story holds a lesson for the reader - we can and should enjoy the small wonders of life, and try to find good things in every situation.
Thank you for this beautiful piece,
Write ON!
Dana
Your story, talking about humankind hating things that are hard for them to accept and understand, and the sad events that follow this hatred. I finished reading it with a shiver. Hate can be a very dangerous thing, and you've described it well.
I just have a couple of small points you might want to correct, it's just a suggestion, of course:
"I would sneak a glance in her direction just to be able to catch her starring at me." - I think it's supposed to be "staring", not "starring".
"The news became riddled with stories of police arrests for public indecency. Murders became more ramped as politics favored the removal of our kind. We watch in horror at the debates to make our love illegal and held each other, savoring every touched." - you write in past tense, and then "we watch in horror". It would read better if you keep the past tense, in my opinion.
Other than that, a powerful story. I hope people learn to love, and if not love then at least accept, each other as they are.
I've read your blog and checked the link to this item, so many people think of aging as a bad thing, and I admit that I did too (even though I'm only 18) and now you've changed my opinion.
I think this is a very important piece because it gives another perspective on aging. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.
My favorite part was when you said: "For every year I'm blessed with another 365 days on this earth I experience 5,000 more kisses......" Sometimes it's so difficult to find positive sides to things, and I'm so glad you can do that! It's important.
The story of Brandon is also touching, and it kind of makes you open your eyes.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to print it and show it to my mother. Maybe I'll make her understand.
I liked the way you describe how he looked, how he felt in your arms, it's very touching.
The only thing I noticed is that everything seems to be alright- you are happy, and then suddenly in the last line it's over.
I find that it left me asking "Why?"
Thank you for an interesting read.
-BW.
(review #2)
I love how you added snowflakes to the poem, it's pretty. But I like the poem most. From inside the house, snow and snow storms looks so lovely, but when you step outside... Wow.
No errors and the poem is great!
Thanks for sharing,
Write on!
Dana
Whooo, spooky poem! And very well written. Once again faith saves you, and it's great! I think every person who 'enters' your port, will leave with a smile upon his face, and full with new faith!
I especially liked the stanza about the woman on the stairs.. *hmm...I see a painting here*
"I have taken many painful turns;
but am thankful for all I've been through."
Tracey, I think that shows your wisdom, because it's very hard to see (and oh, how I know it) that everything happens for a reason- for the best and for the worst. And we need to stay faithful and believe in ourselves at all times.
"It was their love that guided me,
to be the best person I can possibly be." - You don't take all the credit for yourself. Some would say "I've been through so much, and I did it on my own." But sometimes without a friend's help, we can not make through, and the fact that you mention them, makes you a wonderful person.
Thank you for sharing this, and I wish you luck in all the crossroads you may face!
-D.
Belief is the strongest thing.
My grandfather tells me all the time (when he comes to visit us in Israel) that without beliefs, we can not live. And we can not live without our God.
I agree with that, and with your poem.
It's lovely my friend.
You've done well with this one, the reader can almost 'hear' the silence and see the high trees as they try their best to reach the moon as the moon shines down on them.
Wonderful imagination, and if it's a real place, then you've picked a lovely subject for your poem.
The melancholy in this poem is easy to see. It's so very sad, and made me think of empty spaces that once were full with people.
Of lost love, and sadness.
Favorite Part
"Yet, here again, we'll never meet" - these words, go straight to the heart, like an arrow. Amazing.
Thank you for sharing this,
Dana
Keep Writing
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Thank you for entering my contest "Invalid Item" !
Overall impression:
This is a very interesting poem, Therese!
I liked how you made a list of everything you do and do not want, and put it into the poem with rhymes- it gives the reader the feeling that you know what you are writing about.
"I don't want to be clever, I want to be true." - interesting approach, and one I respect, because most people want to look clever, even if it means they should be hypocrites.
Errors:
Just a little one- in the line "Drowing in black eternity" it should be Drowning.
I liked this poem very much, good luck in the contest!
-BlackWillow
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You've done wonderfully with the AA BB rhyming scheme! It sounds great, and the story is creative...
My favorite lines are definitely:
"And the lunatic who slaughtered them that night,
Went entirely crazy, out of intense fright."
Ha! He got what he deserved!
I wish someone would say those things about me one day. Beautiful.
The way instead of looking at things from the outside, like the beauty of her lips, the color of her eyes, to find the true beauty that lies inside is the most important things!
Errors:
No errors!
Favorite Part
"Oh, Mom, she is a dream. Her poise is regal for she walks with knowledge and self-esteem. Her figure carries no excess weight or stress, since she has no need to control or impress. Yet, she is faithful to her principles, true to form."
It's easy to see why he fell for the girl!
And it's a very nice thing that he thanks his mother for teaching him how to look
Thank you for sharing this lovely poem!
-BlackWillow
Keep Writing
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No errors and the poem is great!
Favorite Part
Errors:
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