This poem really saddened me...
It's true that there are bad and uncaring kids who hurt others and make them feel like nothing- but no matter what, the so called "nerds" should stay strong, hard as it is, and get through this!!!
It's important to have faith!
Errors:
In the third stanza, it should be "intense" not "intence"
"But he cant take it anymore", I'd suggest writing "can't"
Favorite Part
"he must stay proud
protect his crown."
You always have to stay strong!
Suggestions:
I'd suggest (and it's only a suggestion ) to add another stanza in the end... something like:
"But as he gets to his destination
Suddenly he understands-
Suicide is not the answer
There are other ways.
So he stays strong,
And carries on
And other kids join to his song"
Lol, something like that... I'm really improvising here
See, adding a happy ending will give hope to the kids that has such problems!
Hugs,
Dana.
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This is a very nice poem
You're indeed a nice guy if you act like that!
You have a good attitude, but sadly not many has the same one... mostly, people think first about themselves, and only next about others.
Errors:
I see no errors in this poem!
Favorite Part
"I guess it's true that nice guys finish last." - sadly, that's mostly true.
"My feelings do not matter,
When it could be yours that shatter." - wow, I think I love you. Lol.
Thank you for sharing this poem with us all, and again, welcome to WDC!
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Thank you for entering my contest, "Shattered Poetry"!
Overall impression:
I love how you made this poem a story. It's a great idea!
The poem itself is very sad... the fact that both his love and their baby was taken away from him.
Favorite Part
"Her tears fall upon her face screaming to remain with each breath taken, but there was nothing they could do she was now forsaken."
By calling her 'forsaken' you emphasize the unfairness of the situation.
It is a good idea.
Thank you for sharing this poem, it is trully beautiful, in a sad way.
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Thank you for entering my contest "Shattered Poetry"!
Overall impression:
A short poem, describing life without love- a heart without a home...
I liked the idea.
Errors:
No errors here
Favorite Part
The third stanza is the one I loved most.
Suggestions:
As it is a short poem, and we don't get much information out of it- it seems a little disconnected... If you add a little description after the poem, maybe it'll be easier to understand.
Though even without the explanation, it's a good poem!
Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you for entering my contest "Shattered Poetry"!
Overall impression:
I liked this poem very much, it has melancholy in it, and it makes one wonder - can you really change yourself? Should you?
There are questions we just can't find the answers for.
Errors:
I see no errors in this poem.
Favorite Part
"My youth ended when you left me
Bleeding and crying on a bathroom floor
And I looked down and back at all I’d done
Wondering if you would have stayed if I was beautiful."
This stanza is very lovely, pulls you at the gut. I love it.
Suggestions:
Instead of describing it as a "short poem", I'd suggest writing a little description of what made you write this- the description can be short but even a couple of words might help the reader understand and enjoy the piece more!
Thank you for sharing!
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This gets five and a half stars from me (even though there's no such thing! lol).
Overall impression:
What I love about your poems is the fact that you write about real things, no fakeness, you write of things that happens every day and that can be changed and made better.
This is a strong poem, and I completely agree with it- as a person who didn't give a **** once, and now is trying to make the world a better place, small step by small step.
Favorite Part
"And how each of us with a warm little smile,
Can make the day of another, at least for awhile."
How very true!
Smile On!
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You won 5 reviews from me on the 'Christmas Benefit Auction'
Congrats and here's the first one!
Overall impression:
A touching poem, written well with short lines, but even the short lines succeed to convey perfectly your feelings about child abuse!
I completely agree with you on this, because a child is a pure thing and no one - even the parents- have the right to wound or hurt them!
Errors:
I see no errors in this poem. Not in spelling, nor in the idea.
Favorite Part
Definitely the lines: "Cut me not
with your eyes.
Tear not my heart,
With your lies."
This stresses the pain, and I love the way you put the words into the sentence.
Suggestions:
None. This poem is good and powerful as it is, and I wish the whole world would see that.
Thank you for publishing this great poem.
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Silence can be seen in many colours, I, for example, see it in white because it's pure, you can't lie when you're silent...
For others, it's black, for the sad people who want someone to comfort them...
So the first line of your poem, really gives thinking material.
Welcome to WDC! This poem is very nice, though I have a few suggestions to make it even better, it's only suggestions so you may or may not accept it... here they are:
*First, In the first stanza, second line, you should capitalize the 'i' if you mean yourself.
*In the fifth stanza, you seem to mix things up a bit, for instance- "Until finally, i reachedt he top"-again, capitalize the 'i' and separate the words 'reached the top', it's confused...
This piece is very nice, but I have some suggestions that can make it look even better; remember, its just suggestions, but maybe it can help!
First, in the line: "My body so tired and sore" I think you should add is between "body" and "so".
In the second line:
"No one could ever imagine, my stress", I think you
should replace the word "my" with "the", it'll sound better and more correct.
I'm supposed to be strong
but when {Suggestion: put a coma here.} oh when I say
will I ever actually belong
Never being or doing the right thing
causes me more than enough
enough pain
When you almost seem like you achieve {I think you should replace "you" with "it" and "seem" with "seems".
Other than that, the poem is great, it has a lot of feeling in it.
I hope my review helped.
Dana (BW).
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Errors:
Favorite Part
In the third stanza, it should be "intense" not "intence"
Suggestions:
