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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa
Review Requests: OFF
169 Public Reviews Given
169 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to be straight-forward. My reviews will focus on my reading experience, not the way I would write your story.
I'm good at...
Story logic and motivation are important to me. I enjoy word play and crisp dialog.
Favorite Genres
Short stories of interpersonal drama, comedy that comes from character, and science fiction are my particular favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and gore have to be really good to keep my interest.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and flash fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Piece drew me in. To the same place as "Two Faces Have I" by Lou Christie
{x-link:https://youtu.be/ulmIyqb6W-8?si=1SUnc8kACeUl7071/}Two Faces Have I{x-link}
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Review of Virus  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Amethyst Angel 🍀🌸 . I found your story "Virus by strolling through your portfolio.
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you find useful. Ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I wish I could write as smoothly as your story flowed. My attention did not lag throughout, which is a significant writing achievement.

Plot: Damien decides to kill Mary Rose, an innocent gardener, because her father reported Damien's computer crimes to the government. He takes her to an isolated, backwoods location, but has particular scruples as to finally ending her life.

Antagonist: Damien seems too reasonable in his dialogue, not like a computer driven mad by a virus. He doesn’t harm Mary Rose in little bits to heighten her fear. That he didn’t just kill her needs more explanation (to allow the reader feel the threat).

"Because I'm a hacker, not a sex offender” is so readily recast as "Because I'm a hacker, not a murderer” that the illusion of him as a creditable threat crumbled. His character became whatever was needed to drive the story.

Climax: The title imo is misleading. I liked the idea that his behavior was driven by a virus, like a strange behavior in a computer program, but the resolution didn’t depend on that or add anything to the bare idea.

Diction: POV shift. Question marks. He considered this a moment. She's only a girl. Wouldn't do any harm to let her stop a moment. That is a nice little plant there, isn't it.

Thank you for sharing your story, Amethyst Angel 🍀🌸 . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

Invalid Photo #1068181



3
3
Review of Summer Kiss  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Schnujo is in the Falklands ,
I know this is an old entry. I hope you won't mind a thumbnail review from a reader in 2023.
Solid, clear, flowing telling of a first summer kiss.
I waited and waited to find an attitude or action that would confirm the approximate age of the pair. In a similar vein, perhaps intentionally, you did not reveal much about the era in which the kiss occurred. With the narration re first kiss, second date, I assumed perhaps 1950s.
Thanks for an enjoyable story.
Burning Thoughts
4
4
Review of Soup's On You  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The ending made me laugh. Good job!
5
5
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful image and exotic to a USA'r
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6
Review of Watermelon Man  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Graywriter . After your helpful review of "Invalid Item, I want to return the favor. I found "Watermelon Man highlighted in your portfolio.

Good mock epic style. The story was a smooth read with humor.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you find useful, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt Spitz's yearning for victory, but I did not feel drama and suspense. To achieve that, you need obstacles, not just an opponent. I liked the foray his mouth was dry, but it was easily remedied. After that, Spitz's efforts were the same, just the results varied.

As a mock epic, you are allowed a wide swath of improbable events from the villain, Winkhauser, to thwart the hero's efforts. Spitting on the running platform causing Spitz to foul an attempt—comes to mind. I'm sure you can come up with better.

Neil Gaiman says that a writer should accept as fact when a reader says he doesn’t get something, but the reader’s solutions are often wrong. If they are right, rejoice and use them, but don’t focus on the proffered solutions, but on the knowledge that, for that reader, your story missed a target.

Thank you for sharing your story, Graywriter . Keep on writing!

See you around the site.

Burning Thoughts




7
7
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Chris Breva . I found your story "Strange Fruit Salad on scrolling through your short stories. The title, combining oddness with fresh fruit, demanded I read it.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what is useful to you, ignore that which isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I quite enjoyed the juxtaposition of ordinary and oddness as well as the lead's self-deprecating attitude. If you decide to revise the flash story, here are a few suggestions for your consideration.

Characters:
"Oh Mom," he complained. "I'm... The lead is a woman! The earlier phrase "Being a glutton for punishment" seems a masculine sentiment.
Theme:
When discussing dinner, consider strengthening the characters. Perhaps Mom: I’ll knock them out of their food ruts. Husband: steak and potatoes. Son: wants pizza and coke while he plays computer.
Does Milbourne's name have special significance?

Setting:
Give more like oddities as red bananas, orange grapes. Very nice. Later, when Mom mentions them again, use your talent for odd juxtaposition to add concrete variety to the imagery.

Climax:
The ending was unsurprising because of the earlier,"... give you mine and go eat the dog food.
This reader was not sure of the story takeaway intended.

Suggestions: Your skill with humor would benefit from closer attention to spelling and syntax.

An enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing your story, Chris Breva . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts



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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a shame you won't write the book, bearbit . Maybe you can add a phrase illuminating the emotion the soldier's life leads to.
Burning Thoughts
9
9
Review of Leaving Ireland  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, PenHawk . I found your story "Leaving Ireland in community news. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: This chapter tells the tale of a family's emigration from Ireland using the point of view of a young son.

I did not understand why the landlord changed his mind from refusing to agreeing.

*Bullet* Suggestion: You might consider showing the conflict (getting the landlord to help pay for their passage) in scenic form. That allows me, the reader, to feel their emotion plight as well as make a bit of sense of the Irish world they were fleeing.

Mechanics

Thank you for sharing your story, PenHawk . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. Your title caught my eye as I have a similar story, although decades earlier, that you might find interesting. "Invalid Item




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Review of Whisperer  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sue,

I enjoyed "Whisperer" very much. It's a pleasing story of a romance gone wrong, that ends with a surprise in a noddingly, satisfying way.

You missed opening quotes a couple times.
 You may joke, old son, but yes, it has crossed my mind, occasionally.’
 That’s okay, Pal. I’ll say goodnight then.’

I'll mention a sentence that you may want to consider as two sentences.
 ‘You should just get rid of him, he’s not good for you.’

I like the smooth-flowing, easy-to-follow language you relate the story with.

Bob
11
11
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (5.0)
Real good story, Sue. I especially loved Chris' realization in the last phrase.
12
12
Review of Why no Wimple?  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very amusing little story. Thanks, Beholden
13
13
Review of Survival  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Sumojo . I found your story "Survival in the Dreamweaver Anthology 10, just where you said it would be. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what's useful, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered solely with the intention of being constructive.

The tale is gripping and reads very well.

Good char development driven by apt dialog and diction.
Excellent use of local color. Immersed me into the story.
It was enjoyable how much story was covered in just over 2100 words.

However, the ending was a bit of a letdown for the tense story line.

A couple of easy-to-fix typos:
Dave remained in his precarious position. It should be Sam.
placing his his forehead on the ground. Remove duplicate word.

*Bullet* Suggestion:
It's your story, but you might find this worth considering. From my vantage point, the most interesting conflict was between Sam's belief he's a super-survivalist and his dawning recognition that he wasn’t. A dramatic twist would be the third person kills the wild pig. Sam hides that truth (or not) from his friend picking him up.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sue. It was a pleasure to tread. See you around the site.
Bob

Burning Thoughts



14
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for entry "Where Am I?
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Princess Megan Rose
Great idea. I like a puzzle.
My guess is Princess Diana's childhood house. The details I had to look up, but it seems to fit.
15
15
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, BariRandom . I found your story "The Remedy of Space in your portfolio as a return review. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot:
My full attention was immediately grabbed by Hive's plight, death threatening unless Lim acts to save him.

*Bullet* Setting:
This sentence arrested my immersion. If they detached from the station at the right spot they’d be sucked into the gravity well I assume that wherever the detachment took place, they would plunge into the planet's gravity.

*Bullet* Characters:
I like the mysteriousness of Hive's name. It's a nice peek into the reality that hasn't a chance to be described in this flash piece.
Lim is an interesting bauble of actions.

*Bullet* Diction:
The narration jarred a bit with this viewpoint shift. She was slipping into her claustrophobia.

that’s what being the last batch of humans did to you. Such an overwhelming fact of their existence, yet not used elsewhere. Hmmm. Also it's prefaced He guessed. I wondered why he was excluding himself from that impact, as he seems to be human.

Regardless, I enjoyed the story and thank you for sharing it, BariRandom . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. You might enjoy this flash piece with a sci-fi backdrop. "Invalid Item


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Review of Sprocket  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Schnujo is in the Falklands . I found your flash fiction "Sprocket in your extensive portfolio. Although it's a handful of years old, I suppose you won't mind that it's still being read.

A quite enjoyable riff. Flowed very smoothly.

My interpretation is the sprocket she gave him was just a bauble to divert her hypochondriac master, who was as easily fixed as the steampunk machine with the next sprocket.

Thank you for sharing your humorous attitude, Schnujo is in the Falklands . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts

P.S. "Invalid Item might tickle your funny bone.



17
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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BariRandom . I found your "Scene: The end of the Gala in your portfolio, which I had hopped to from the review email of "Mortal."

I usually review stories, not scenes. Thus my immediate reaction reaction was nothing changed, but— I chided myself—scenes don't necessarily involve change. A scene can display a character's traits to establish their sensibility in subsequent scenes. I read the scene several times to help me give constructive comments.

*Bullet* Characters:
The narrator, the woman-girl-escort, is the character this reader is drawn to identify with, to feel emotions through. However, she describes the alpha male, her partner for the evening, with more detail than she reveals about herself. That's fine, as it seems your purpose may be to take the puffed-up male down a few pegs.

The predatory male is a master of double-talk, a fake, powerful, and transiently reveals the "neck ... of a vulture", yet charms with straight, white teeth, the skin of his cheeks folding pleasantly to transform the bottom half of his face into the beautiful stereotypical white male businessman’s. And the half-smile, the fake smile.

*Bullet* Suggestion:
I can only guess where you might use this scene, but you might consider strengthening the narrator's characterization or motivation, as they can be used to strengthen the conflict the two will eventually arrive at.

Just spitballing (to be more concrete about the suggestion): The scene has “Yes sir,” was all she could muster. Even if you don't want her to reveal more at this time in dialog, why she was reduced to such an effete agreement is a prime opportunity to disclose to the reader a bit of the tension of forces that presage the later conflict. I hope that's not too elliptical.

Thank you for sharing your scene, BariRandom . Let me know when you post more of the story.

Burning Thoughts



18
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Review of The Handkerchief  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, AJBurchell- Australia ,

After you reviewed "Mortal", I dropped by your portfolio and noticed your featured poem, "The Handkerchief. I was looking for a story, but the image of John Barleycorn or Jethro Tull's Aqualung forced me to stop and make an effort, reflecting upon your prose poem.

Poetry is not my native habitat, so perhaps I can ask a question. Does the policeman represent order, the antithesis of the nearly Brownian motion in the fall of a lacy 'kerchief?

The freedom-order contrast is appealing. The pragmatic construction of the poetic world was also an enjoyable read.

Thank you for sharing your poetry.

Burning Thoughts


P.S. On rare occasions, the poetic muse smiles on me. Here's a idealistic, nearly romantic interlude "Invalid Item


He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson



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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Wickedfugitive . I found your story "What Dreams May Come in your portfolio.

An enjoyable fairy tale. One that I might tell my granddaughter when she visits next. I especially liked the dream globes and crossing between them. Very nice.

You have a very small typo, a missing 'r' in 'through' glimpse of him slipping though the forest ahead of me

Thank you for sharing your story, Wickedfugitive . Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts



20
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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Dawsongirl.
I came to your portfolio after seeing the notification that you fan'd a fable of mine.
 
This rejection of "Roget's Thesaurus" got me laughing, leaving me in a wonderful humor. With six people already giving it highest ratings, my kudos may be superfluous but you deserve to hear them again.
 
Delightful. Anything but boring, boring, boring!
 
As a one-time chemist I loved "The Development of Nitrous-Oxide -- No Laughing Matter".
 
I can't finish the review without citing your final hilarious instructions.
 
    1. rewrite it in rhyme, add moral lessons, and illustrate the text with drawings of chubby children and small mammals
 
    2. Before mailing your manuscript, take a pen and cross out at all unnecessary words.
 
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Thanks,
Bob

Burning Thoughts
21
21
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story, Robert. The story time flowed seamlessly. That it ended up being nearly 2000 words astonished me that it passed so quickly.

BTW I saw a link to your story on Max Griffin's Author newsletter.

Bob

Burning Thoughts

22
22
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Princess Megan Rose
Your "Back To The Past: Jane Austen Part One caught my attention as I looked among your extensive portfolio for something to review, to return the favor that you review of "Invalid Item

I see that you wrote this 10 years ago, but Jane Austen's time was 200+ years, so that's nothing. I have read the first 5 parts.

The thrill of a wish come true shines through the chapters. The Regency world is getting crowded with contemporary friends. Where will this lead?

Thank you,Princess Megan Rose for posting your novel of an intriguing era.

Bob

Burning Thoughts
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Review of Bo Dockett  
Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, hcpn59p14. I found your story "Bo Dockett as one of your featured stories in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. You might think that I misunderstand it and perhaps that's true, but I've come to my review from the words in your story and the associations in my head. Accept what you is useful, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.


*Bullet* Plot:
A sad sack gets into a bind with the IRS.

*Bullet* Setting:
Spare but adequate for the story line.

*Bullet* Characters:
Good characterization of Bo, the 3rd person narrator, the sorry man. Related with humor and not disdain.
Lorain, his wife, imo deserves an early mention that she's more competent than him, so that her late action countering the audit come naturally from the character the reader knows.

*Bullet* Theme:
Things turn out well, if the schmo is innocuous.

*Bullet* Climax:
I found the wraparound of 'the one thing' not drawn crisply enough. The ending was a letdown.

*Bullet* Suggestions:
Perhaps you might consider Bo telling the bartender his desire to visit the Riviera. Or when Bo wakes up hungover, he sees a postcard of the Riviera and realizes he'll never be able to get there when the IRS throws him in jail or garnishes his wages for life.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: Good light humor

Thank you for sharing your story, hcpn59p14. Keep on writing!

Bob

Burning Thoughts



24
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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting ideas to base a story on.

After reading a pitch, I expect to know who's the point of view character. Both Kaelin and Liam could take that place which leaves me uncertain as to your story intention.

Another pitch consideration is the style which the novel will have. In my opinion, a partial scene displaying a crucial conflict between the two would answer that question and engage the emotions as well as the intellect of the pitch reader.

I hope you post a bit of Believer here.
Burning Thoughts
25
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Review by Burning Thoughts
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, GhostFerno
Your "Loner Rehabilitation Program caught my eye in my search for a story as a return review of "Invalid Item. My impressions of Chapter 1 are offered in the spirit of a constructive review. If my ideas help you, I'll be pleased. If they don't, ignore them.

*Bullet* Plot: The chapter introduced two characters and the situation, with the twist that Adrian was pulled in by the god who made a mistake.

*Bullet* Characters: Adrian was dull but believable. He hasn't shown initiative or spark yet. As a reader, I want to identify with or root for one character. Adrian seems the choice here, but he has yet to give me reason to do.
The entity who may be considered a god is mysterious. I want to discover more about they.

*Bullet* Mechanics:
I like the way the god's thoughts are transmitted to Adrian in square brackets.
You might want to reconsider 'memory lane' in the god's narration. That's a human phrase. Replacing it offers the opportunity to make the god's viewpoint unique and specific.Knowing that they won’t be able to get through to this human when his mind is currently going down memory lane
The word 'snot' seemed coarser than the other word choices.

*Bullet* Flow of story:
The paragraph containing this world has the unique property of having special particles is an infodump. In my opinion, you need to develop a reason for Adrian to need this information, then the info can arise organically. The point might be used to develop the story conflict.

*Bullet* Setting: I find the Chapter 1 situation too nebulous to respond strongly to. You might consider amplifying the '...' for both characters to highlight character traits they reveal in responding to their plight.

Overall Impression: You have shown the tip of an intricate world. You have yet to develop the character-driven conflict that would pull me in.

"Invalid Item attempts to sketch an alien character in another manner.

Keep on writing, GhostFerno

Burning Thoughts

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