This is a simple conversation, but for some reason I was involved in it. I could hear the dialog quite well in my head. The God responses were familiar from scripture and the tone of the conversation very peaceful. I don't believe I have the gift to write so simply. It's refreshing knowing someone can.
Did you write this poem from a blog entry? Sweet!!
The repetition is used very well. I can see this poem performed on stage (for example Slam Poetry). I'm a fan of satire so I liked the theme "ignorance is bliss" (as if we have a choice in staying innocent).
I'm a fan. I'll try to read some of your other work.
I invite you to read Sampling Fruit in My Blog. It revolves around innocence lost.
The stairway can apply to many instances in our lives. I enjoyed Dick's struggle to please others. It reminds me no matter how successful we are in pleasing others there comes a time when the glimmer fades and we have to find a new angle. I believe we get more satisfaction in pleasing ourselves.
He eyed her curiously and turned his head from side to side. He brought his nose closer to her face, taking in the odor of a cheeseburger long since eaten and took a deep breath. He licked his doggy lips as if he wanted to get a taste of the real thing.
It was very descriptive and realistic. My roommate's golden retriever does the same thing.
While I was reading your work, I {color:red}could hear the girl's voice through the tone of the story even when she was thirty years older returning to play in the fields. It strikes me as shocking for someone older to {color:red}capture that innocence of being young so well. It tells me that distant memories are fresh in your mind and you have a {color:red}gift of transporting your reader to a specific time and place{color:red} that you personally hold so dear.
I haven't experienced loss through death as you have, but I have lost many things through circumstance and I'm very familiar with grief that leaves you immobile and asking questions like "Why me?" Though you were very descriptive about the moment conversations took place, I {color:blue}prefer to see the dialogue separated on the page so the words will have an opportunity to own their space. Sometimes I find myself wanting to go back to see the conversation line by line to digest them…to own them like when you try to process the harsh words (the ones you can't take back) that were said right before something drastic happened.
I especially {color:red}enjoyed the tension you created when the girl spouted out the jealousy that may have been evident between the two sisters and presenting the irony of who wins out in the end. If you are to expand on the this piece in the future, I'm {color:red}eager to read about Aunt Bella's farm in Iowa and how the characters interact there, i.e. Mr. Haynes. Was the girl angry because of sudden loss or was there provocation to create such a violent reaction to her mother's death? Most people feel shock before anger. Why did this girl skip a critical step in the grieving process, and how did she come to grips with it when she revisited it later?
All in all, I believe you have developed a great teaser to a story that needs to be told. Our ears are perked and we are ready to listen to all the whispers that still linger in that wheat field. You are on your way to {color:red}building a story that can examine the human heart from the eyes of a child who does not appear to be dysfunctional, but she may be in the midst of characters who are.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:41am on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
