You have a very promising peice here! Some things that could be fixed:
"Wait.......Wait one G** Damn minute, How did you get in here? Who are you." There needs to be a question mark after the last word and after "wait" you have numerous periods; you only need three.
She walked away. As her shadow faded into one of the rooms, John then again asks "Who are you? Why are you here.......Answer me now." Again, you only need three periods.
No one baby, just get into bed now, IllIll needs an apostraphe be there in a bit."
John grabs her arm and gave the man a glance. He in return thanked Johns' wife and gave John a big condescending smile. Isn't Sandy John's girlfriend? Not his wife...
"And.................Wait its been a while' he thinks" Again, only three periods. And "its" needs an apostraphe.
Holding a knife to John’s throat, he sayed,
"No he didn’t, that mans dog just wanted to play." "sayed" is spelled "said"
"Lets go lady’s, get up, lets get some chow." "lady's" doesn't need an apostraphe in this case.
You also switch tenses a lot in your story. You go from something like John wondered where Sandy had gone (past) to John slits the man's throat (present) I would stick with one or the other for a better impact.
Overall you have a very good story that with a little work will be even better!
You have a really wonderful start to a story, here! I only found a few errors:
"It had been a still there needs to be a comma after "still" quiet night that left the nearby woods nothing to whisper about."
"At the base of one of the grassy knolls stood a cabin covered in peat moss protecting its inhabitants from the coolthere needs to be a comma after "cool" damp air outside."
“Mr. Kelley there needs to be a comma after "Kelley" and the next word should be capitilized god has given you a son...”
My Opinions:
I thought that the beginning of your story was good; it laid out the history of your character, which was essential to the story.
But it was also extremely descriptive. My suggestion is to take out a few of the words you use to describe things like the wind, or their cottage, etc.
Because after too much of it, the story gets boring and the reader tends to skip parts of the paragraph.
I also think you might want to consider using a bit of dialougue, just so it isn't so much trouble to mentally develope your characters.
Positive:
I loved the ending, it was very creative and ironic, in a way. You do a great job preparing the reader for the shock of the ending, I really enjoyed it! Overall you have an amazing story that with a little work can and will be even better. Good job!
Wow, this is such a great poem! I loved the subject, it's so interesting to read about.
The flow was decent, steady in some parts and not so much in others. You could use an online thesaurus to find rhymes because, for example, in stanza 2 lines 1 and 2, the scheme is off a little.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors which is great!
I have actually never heard of May Day before reading your story.
The only thing I noticed that could be fixed:
"Going as fast as my long skinny legs would go, I could hear him doing the same behind me.
After going up our long driveway behind my home,"
You use the word "long" twice here and then a few sentances later use it again. I think it might be better if you choose a different word to describe your driveway.
This was so great! I love the idea of "reaching your island"; that's great!
I thought the ending could have been continued a little, just because it doesn't really sound final. Maybe you could end it with an obituary? Just a thought!
I also really enjoyed the format this was written in, I don;t think I've ever read something written in letter form. It maked it seem shorter, almost.
I liked how you developed your charcters continually throughout the story, instead of just the first couple letters.
So my only suggestion would be to ahve a more final ending. But other than that, it was amazing!
I liked how you spent most of the writing on the lady's thoughts, but I felt some of it could have been used to describe her surroundings a little more. Like, the color of the walls, the smell of the attic, the scenery out of the window, etc. But really that's just my opinion.
I was wondering, when the parenthesis are used to inform the reader of something, is that the writer's opinion or is it Maggie's opinion?
In the second to last paragraph, you use the word "will" a few times, and one time the sentance is: "Her Will" But in the following sentances, "Will" isn't capitilized, that's probably just a typo.
Other than that, this was a really great story, one that I enjoyed very much reading!
I loved this, too!
When I opened it and began reading, I expected it to be filled with grief and sadness, but it was not at all! I really like dhow you made her death seem like a celebration, almost, just because all the pain and suffering goes away.
Some things I noticed:
"And other years perhaps one or three," <--This sounds a little awkward, I think it might be better if you put instead "And other years perhaps two or three" Just because I don't usually hear numbers announced skipped like that.
Also,
"‘I love you, Quit crying!’"
I don't see a reason for "Quit" to be capitilized, that may be a typo or maybe there really is a reason to have the "Q" capitilized, but I can't think of one.
Other than those minor things, this was a really amazing poem! The rhyme scheme and the theme were consistant
I got the feeling that it was about a little more than blood spread for a homeland, and plants beginning to grow.
The ending was my favorite part, in a way it seems conclusive but not so much to say "Well now THAT'S over" so I really loved it.
The word flow was pretty consistant, though more so in the second stanza than anywhere else. I don't think there's anything you could do to the other stanzas to make them as good as the 3rd, simply because the chosen words were so great, but I'd be glad to see you try.
I also really like hoow you describe the leaf as "Her bright copper hair catching a fallen leaf." That was really neat.
I, surprisingly enough, have zero suggestions for this; it was flawless!
This was really clever and creative! I loved the idea of trashing your teacher's car with quarters, that was funny!
The only thing you might want to re-look is that you use the word "hell" in your paragraph, which may be offensive to some of the younger members, but still your work has an "E" rating. You might want to consider bumping that up to a "13+" rating just to be safe.
This is a very strong, emotional, and opinionated poem. I really enjoyed reading it, though I strongly disagree. In some places it seemed like the meter was a little off. For example:
"For all the tears and blood that's spilled
Another barrel of oil
Gets filled"
Though this is my favorite part, the last line is a little bit awkward. It could go something like this: "Never fails to be filled." Or something like that.
Overall very nicely written. I love hearing others' opinions even though I usualy disagree, as in this case. Good job!
--Jessica
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Jessica