I've been gone so long I didn't even know about this. What a wonderful and creative idea! Very helpful, community oriented and showing the best of W.com and the kindness of its members!
Keep up the great work! I hope to be able to contribute to this great project when I am back!
Hello Legerdemain! Hope you're having a great time at Convention.
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): One of the best (and not in the least bit cheesy) vampire themed poems I’ve read on this site. That’s a HUGE compliment if you’ve read some of the awful vamp themed poetry I’ve come across. This one is actually a poem that can hold its own.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I found no obvious spelling or grammatical errors.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): Your poetry is true poetry. It has great visuals, descriptions, moods and settings and it flows the way a poem should, regardless of what form it is written in. You have some really wonderful poetry. I look forward to poking about in your port again in the future ::grin::
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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Hello Legerdemain! Hope you're having a great time at Convention.
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): Eerie, fantasy and a touch of darkness. I liked it very much ::grin::
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I found no obvious spelling or grammatical errors.
This poem was so tight and concise but it was also very short and left me wanting more. So much so that I got frustrated at the end and went “hey! What’s going on here? Where is the rest?????”
You may choose not to continue the poem but just know that my feelings will be very hurt lol. In all seriousness, it was very good but it felt like you cut it short. You put such detail and mystery into this poem and then I felt as if you said “no, no more for you. I won’t tell you the end.” Even though it has an end… it doesn’t feel like the end – or like how you built the end up to be.
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): So far I’m really enjoying your poetry. This poem was well written with an awesome mood and tone. The descriptive visuals are wonderful. As I said, my only issue is that it didn’t feel complete, but that’s just me.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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Hello Legerdemain! Hope you're having a great time at Convention.
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): This is a great poem (and not just because I like predatory birds ::grin::) This poem has precise descriptive visuals, impeccable and consistent form and just all around an awesome topic.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I found no obvious spelling or grammatical errors.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): The ugly truth is….. I liked it and I don’t have any real criticism. Its well written, formed beautifully and vividly. If I were a snobby teacher giving you a grade, you’d get an A+ (wait… I get to be a snobby reviewer and give you a rating. What’s the equivalent of an A+?) lol
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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Hello Elisa the Bunny Stik! Hope you're having a great time at Convention. I promise not to harass the egret while I’m poking around in your port ::wicked grin::
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I really wasn’t expecting this story to be what it was when I started reading it. I was pleasantly surprised. The topic was bold, the writing was clear, flowed well, pulled me through…
My favorite line:
“Thomas Paine is probably doing pirouettes in his grave he's so mad”
I would be too if I were him!
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking):
I found no obvious spelling, grammatical or semantic (haha) errors.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): . I must say, personally, I liked the beginning better than the ending. The ending felt too neat with a nice little bow (but that’s just me.) When you start out with that kind of force you expect something BIG to happen. Still, it was a good story… I’m not complaining.
P.S. Bill O'Reilly makes me nauseous too.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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Hello Midnight Dawn! Hope you're having a great time at Convention.
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I loved the Imagery you created In this poem. Water Is such a transitory element and the flow of words lends Itself to It.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking):
I found no obvious spelling or grammatical errors. Frankly, I had almost no issue with this poem whatsoever. ::grin::
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): What else can I say? I think this poem is lovely. Well written, lovely descriptions, short but packed full of vividness and with a flow to your words and lines that works perfectly. It was a pleasure to read.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): First, let me say that I decided to review this story because the world you’ve created for this tale fascinated me. I found it extremely creative and was drawn into it.
I loved this line: The issue is that: once the Net becomes more real, who can tell the difference between reality and illusion?
It seems a crucial theme and I can't wait to see what you do with it ::grin::
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): em-Ports (em for manifestation) this doesn't seem to work. I really like the idea but doesn’t "manifestation" begin with an "m"? Technically you should call them "M-ports" or specify that slang has altered it to "em" since its phonetic and not literal.
exhibiting the social environment littered with notions of materialism and corruption Don't tell the reader this! Show us this in your description but saying it outright gives the reader little to do and is, unfortunately, offensive to the reader. Its like saying "I'm just going to tell you because you won't figure it out on your own!" You want us to understand that this world has fallen into vice and corruption then describe the actions and the scenery that are examples of it…
Their faces conveyed a tired, generic existence; haunted by the depressive decay they built upon daily… This is what I meant. This description is great and it conveys the setting so clearly! But then you follow it with: Surviving only as captives to wealth and power, they were breathing symbols of the Corporations that glared down from their skyscrapers onto the trash heap below. and this just gives the reader a dirty look and says "incase you didn't get it, here is what I meant."
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments):
You don’t need to say “this horrible place etc etc” but simply describing things will get the message across. The scene with the couple kissing would be much more effective if you describe the place they were in and the way they appear – red lips, bloodless faces, floor covered with cigarette butts. It paints the scene pretty clear. Don’t say “they are drug users” but describe seeing them using or if that is not your taste then try mentioning your main character spotting some drug paraphernalia beside them, perhaps freshly used. Whatever you decide to do, my main issue that I think this story has is that you tell the reader too often what you want them to see in this place instead of letting this world you’ve created show it for you. Readers don’t like to feel like the writer thinks they’re too stupid to figure it out. Try using your scenery and your character’s perceptions show what you mean.
This is a great world you’ve created and this story has a lot of potential!
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
?Diedraphilia?
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
This is a really great forum. The people who post are helpful and enthusiastic. The forum set up is simple but clear and straightforward. No question as to what is and isn't allowed and you even made me laugh while I read it ::grin::
I recommend visiting your forum to anyone with writing / publishing questions or anyone who just needs some advice.
?Diedraphilia?
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): This is a curious poem. I liked it for all the bluntness and the harsh mirror it holds up to the world.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I found no obvious spelling or grammatical errors.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): It reads like lyrics and reminds me the most of some rebellious battle anthem. Maybe I’m the insane one (heh heh) but I rather enjoyed it. Truth is such a rarity in writing nowadays…
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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Diedra is Endu-Reviewing!
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I love the way you compose your lines. It is very poetic and vivid and brings forth a certain depth of feeling to the reader as they scan the lines and visualize your tale. There were so many lines that I thought were written beautifully. I especially liked how you portrayed and described the atmosphere and darkness of the city. Being an urban-being, it held a ring of truth that I felt most deeply and could relate to.
My favorite line:
“She cried until there were no tears left and, after that, her heart cried on, alone”
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): " ‘Gimme the money, punk, or I’ll blow yer head off’" ~ I thought it was curious that throughout the story you put their conversation in single apostrophes. It was, most likely, a conscious decision on your part. However, being as how I am reviewing you, I cannot NOT mention it in good conscience.
Other than that I found no grammar or spelling errors. The majority of your lines are well written and creatively phrased.
My only comments are as to the suddenness of certain parts – the end for example. In order for such an extraordinary story to be believable as it is read, you need to draw out your scenes, more descriptions would probably help. You need to hold the atmosphere you create as well as the intensity that she feels and sees when he is near her. Embellish a bit more…
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): An amazing story! Most of it is fantastic and well-written. Creative and intense. My only suggestion (above) is that you revise to carry the vividness throughout and to maintain the intense atmosphere of the story.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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Diedra is Endu-Reviewing!
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in):
Poor old woman. She made me sad. She’s me, only old and nice… wait… I suppose she isn’t me except for the whole epitome of loneliness thing (that seems to be my bag.) I empathized with her regardless and with the trucker guy as well. His wife should have beaten him, but what are you going to do? Heh heh.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking):
Minor thing that I thought you should be aware of: "with a pot leaves" ~ either “a pot leaf” or just “with pot leaves” but you should pick one. "Earl couldn’t believe it, that was the same woman" ~ Try making this two sentences for easier reading. “Earl couldn’t believe it! That was the same woman…”
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): The style of the story was loose and lacked the vivid detail that would have drawn me into the story fully. I did read on… but you just didn’t have me hooked. I point the finger, not at the plot or the characters, but at the fleeting style in which the story was written.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): " “Don’t you wander off the main street, ye hear?” the midwife asked, her gaze conveying volumes of other “don’ts”. " ~ I thought this line was written cleverly. I was also quite smitten with your children’s taunting rhyme…
As a whole, it is a story that, if written well and composed with more in depth thought, could be a really good read and a fascinating story.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking):
You need to elaborate and clarify the entire section explaining the “widow having a child and why it was curious to the midwife” section. I had to read it over more than once to fully get the gist of the plot that lies therein. It really seems to be an important piece to the story and you need to make certain that the reader fully understand the importance of it.
" God help her but it seemed too much at times, to lose the mother and child? The cruelties of this world were unbearable at times" ~ Try to rephrase one of these lines. The “at times’ repetition is clumsy to read.
" the children screamed and laughed at their made-up rhyme as they ran in a small mob after Hope" ~ I like the mental image, but I suggest simply revising the line. Perhaps cutting it into two lines after “made-up rhyme” so that the scene comes out more clearly when read (otherwise it has the feel of a too-long sentence. Keep the visuals vivid and quick to companion the running, skipping, swift moving children ::wink::)
I want to know (need you to make clearer) just what exactly you mean by “star-pure wings”. I get the slight vision of white, holy, perfect wings (like an angel ::wink::) but it’s a stretch and I only perceive that vision because I’m looking for it. Having the reader search your words and try to figure out their own idea of what they think you might mean is not a good thing…. The attachment of “star” I think is what throws me off. Why star? What is the importance of it? At this point in the story you have not made that coherent to the reader.
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I had many other small comments on phrasing and sentences and plot holes but it got to a point where there were too many… I suggest a full revision and rewrite. I also suggest writing out the plot and the history in great detail BEFORE you revise so that your story and its background make more sense. I like the idea – the child of a human and an angel can be nothing other than intriguing! It not the idea, but the form and the plot which needs to match the level of the concept.
Should you choose to edit I would love to read it again!
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): You have a great way of describing things in this story. Just the way you phrase your lines adds to the atmosphere and the characters. I just wanted to point out a few of the lines that really impressed and stuck out to me: "elevator doors that might as well be eyes closing to look away" ~ A great line. It helps convey the sense of avoidance – how they lock these people in here and try to forget they exist. The role of the outcast in any sense is one where the outside normal world shies their eyes away, as if afraid to be tainted. "Thoughts hissing as sweat crawls down my skin" ~I thought this was just a wonderful description. "the way people can’t help staring at a car wreck or a bad toupee" ~ You add a certain amount of sarcasm and comedy to the story that I really liked. "feeling more naked than naked" ~ Another really great description. This one had a lot to do with phrasing to convey his feeling of being exposed uncomfortably.
These two lines I thought were fantastic because they compared the insane asylum (that is what this place is, yes?) to a war. "like wounded on a battlefield" "hanging our heads like prisoners of war awaiting trial in enemy territory"
"that it’s us or them in this place, in everyplace I’ve ever been or will be when your life feels like something that never really belongs to you" ~ This line I liked because it has a ring of truth that I can relate to. "he looks like the demonic version of a life-size ventriloquist’s dummy" ~more vivid and sarcastic description!!! "In this wasteland, the horizon is always and forever without end"~ This one I felt was poignant and very important to the story ( maybe that’s just me) because it seems to reflect the main character’s world and peer into the method of his insanity…
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): Your writing is impeccable. No spelling or grammatical errors I could find. Only one slight thing you might want to fix… a very minor thing. " “What do you mean someone like me? I don’t even know you man. " ~ This is someone speaking. You neglected to end the line with (“).
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): This story was riveting, interesting, well-written with highly developed characters and setting. I really enjoyed reading this immensely… now you just need to write more so I can keep reading!
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I really thought that this was a good romantic scene. There were a few things that Alice says that I liked quite a bit, mostly because I know them myself and I can relate (it is really good when the reader feels like they can associate with the characters’ emotions and actions.) It just makes the story all that much more convincing. "marveling at the way our hands seemed to fit so perfectly together" ~ I always thought that this was funny – the way the hands seem like corresponding puzzle pieces. "If he let go, it would feel like I was falling off the high peak of emotions I was on, plummeting into the harsh realities below" ~ I really like that you say this. I think that is exactly what it feels like and what one fears when they are enrapt in their beloved one.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking):
Your spelling seemed spotless as far as I could tell. My only real issue with your story was the awkward sentences and a few other minor points that disrupt seamless reading.
For example: "velvet blanket" ~ try not to call it a blanket. You are trying to create somewhat of a romantic atmosphere where your lovers are wrapped in. Yes, a blanket wraps around you, but there are so many much more romantic terms than “blanket”. As a reader, it shattered the establishment of the mood you were creating. "essence of sweet, light honeydew" ~I like the term “essence” for this BUT I don’t think you should call it that the first time you mention it. It is a scent and when introducing it you confuse the reader at first. When you refer to it as “essence” later in the tale it is great and enhances the description of the overwhelming scent but first you need to make sure that the reader understands that it is a scent to begin with. "floated right by my nose" ~ a minor thing. Try using the word “past” instead of “by”. It makes the sentence flow better. "I could still remember they way I made a face" ~ I think you meant “the” not “they”, right? "A chill, the pleasant kind, ran down my spine" ~ At this point, you have already said that he and his actions sent a chill down Alice’s spine so the second time it just becomes annoying repetition to the reader. Maybe try goosebumps or some other great sensation but avoid saying the same action twice unless you use it as some theme that will arise again later and have some importance to the tale itself. "it was very difficult for males to hide what their emotions caused their bodies to do" ~ This sentence is just awkward. I really don’t have any personal suggestion because I, myself can’t quite pinpoint what it is that kept stalling me on this line. I like the idea you describe here (and I’ll kick myself if it isn’t the absolute TRUTH) but it needs to be re-written so that it is easier to read. Perhaps you will look it over and see if you can tell what it is about this sentence… "or the fireflies, or the honeydew that made me realize that there was something different about that night. Or, perhaps, it was all some psychological hallucination" ~ Ok. There are way too many “OR”s here! Please, please, please find another word at least for the beginning of the second sentence.
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I really didn’t have any issues with the plot or the characters. I thought it was, for the most part, well written and you convey the emotions of both Donovan and Alice pretty well. Your atmosphere of the strong scent of Honeydew and the grass and the stars were vibrant and well described. My only real problem with this story was the way you phrased certain lines – really it is merely things that you could rectify quite easily with slight revision.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
♫Diedraphilia♫
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): "And there's nothing I can fear in my heart,
But heart's own weakness" ~ This is such a poignant line. Its one of those things that you could hear some great romantic poet or playwright saying (did you just pick up on the hint that it reminds me of the Classics?) Its kind of Shakespearian almost – only in understandable English…
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): You have a few lines that I would suggest polishing. Mostly only because of the repetition of certain phrases. Repetition can be a strong literary method of getting a point across – but for this poem it just makes the reader feel like you don’t think they get it. There is only one that really stared me in the eye: "If I were only strong enough to brave the waters that separate us,
We could be together,
And the only thing that could separate us " ~ The “separate us” is too clumsy in these lines. Maybe because they are such long lines so that it doesn’t seem like purposeful repetition (for effect) but more like an author slip up. I’m not saying it’s either and you really don’t need to change it but I do think that if you found a way to rephrase here that these lines would proceed much more smoothly.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): My issue with this poem is such a tiny one that I’m not even going to make a concern out of it – I simply thought you should be aware. You have a couple lines here that I thought were absolutely brilliant. There were one or two more that had that effect on me other than the one above but if I quoted them all (seeing as how short the poem is) I’d end up quoting the entire poem! ::big grin::
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I have decided that this poem is my favorite in your port. I will NOT be dissuaded (heh well, maybe. I’m not quite done with your poetry folder yet!) This poem has such a deep atmosphere – lush and dark and descriptive. I could smell the smoke and feel the heat on my skin as I read. THIS IS A VIVID POEM!
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): No complaints! Not a single one!
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): This poem is so rich and so thick with description. I give you a round of applause (can you hear me clapping?)
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I’ve never experienced anything of this sort (I’ve ridden horses once or twice but it’s a rare thing in the city where I live) however, the way in which you described the experience, so vibrantly and clearly in this poem makes me feel as if I was there. I do believe that is usually the aim of a poem like this so consider it a HUGE success!!!
I wanted to point out a line or two that I really enjoyed: "Until every blade of grass
Is seperate from its neighbor, " ~ This is such a great line! (I’m not going to post it in the ”Bad” column, but I thought you might want to know that you spelled “separate” incorrectly, incase you want to fix it. It was the only spelling issue I noticed.)
"And no longer would we be
two creatures of the earth
But a single soul in the sky" ~ I really liked the way you wrote this and the mental image it creates!
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I have no real complaints!
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): This is a good, well-written and descriptive poem. I felt as if I was actually there, feeling as the rider feels, melding with the horse as they ran. Your imagery was wonderful and your way of expressing certain lines was fantastic.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
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I really enjoyed reading your rants. You expressed purposeful advice, meaningful commentary and confronted assorted but important writing and writing.com issues.
Keep up the wonderful writing and don't ever silence your opinions!
Diedraphilia
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"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): Wouldn’t it be nice if we all had such a life? For a minute I was starting to go green with envy towards your character!
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I didn’t notice any misspellings, errors or awkward sentences…
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I really liked how you ended it – reality slapping you in the face back into the true state of things. It was short but sweet and written well (as always!)
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): Your ending was unexpected – in a good way. The story had that nice comfortable homey feel, the kind that makes you reminisce on your parents and siblings in that giggly, warm, gushy sort of way.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I didn’t notice any misspellings, errors or awkward sentences…
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): Are you really psychic or is that just the character? Hey, do you think you can find me a bag of gp under a tree somewhere? Hehehe. I have to tell you, for the first three-fourths of the story I had no idea that any psychic gift was involved. You had me taken by surprise – it was a good surprise… I like those kind.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): This is a rather curious story. I really am not certain what I was expecting. It is rather silly but written well (as I can only expect it would be – coming from you)
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): "”I'm not absolutely certain, but if I'm reading these numbers correctly, your favorite account has been working with his father-in-law to rip off the firm to the tune of almost $10,000 a month, and it's been going on for the last eight months, maybe longer." " ~ I can’t be certain but the line stumped me. Do you mean accountant? I re-read this line a couple times and was confused until I got further down and realized just who EXACTLY you were referring to. Other than that I have no complaints!
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): What made you chose a skunk, I wonder? Well, I think with all that paperwork and lawyer-type stuff, not to mention bankruptcy and thieving partners I’d rather work in circus too… at least I’d know I was in one instead of blindly being in one and calling it a law firm. I enjoyed reading this. You make me laugh!
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): This is such a deep story, wrought with a sense of pain and desperation towards the world. Your imagery of the rain is vivid when it resembles youthful happiness and stark at times to enhance the sense of despair and sorrow that it reflects throughout the twists of time that your story undergoes.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): No misspellings, typos or stunted sentences…
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I have a similar relationship with the rain. My memories in accordance with rain shift depending on the particular time period in my life. The story itself was intensely emotional and your choice of wording lends itself perfectly with the sense of change and the misery that comes later. A very sad but well-written story.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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"Still I'm having a hard time, but I'm keeping the pace - can we all keep up with this world's rat race? Climb out of bed and just help add to the fray - You've got to stand and face another day!"
(The Suicide Machines - Battle Hymns '98 Face Another Day)
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in):
I LOVED this line!! “Why does a true love flow in only one direction?” It holds such truth… don’t anyone dare deny it! The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): No misspellings, typos or stunted sentences…
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I have read a few of your poems and a short story or two so far (I intend to read much more when I have more ample time. Your work strikes many notes with me.) However, this particular one has a certain honest and hopelessly romantic versing that I couldn’t help but love the poem. As I said above, that line sticks out inn my mind – not just for its brutal truth but also for the charming way in which you stated it.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): That’s an interesting way of explaining things… I liked the rhythm of the poem, the emphasis on what each person wanted – or said they wanted.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): Once again, I have no complaints. No misspellings, typos or stunted sentences…
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I thought it was a curious and unusual way of showing a failed relationship. I probably wouldn’t have even known that that was what the poem entailed if you hadn’t stated it right off in the description.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): This is an astoundingly beautiful poem! I’m in awe… really, I am. You managed with your words to paint such a clear picture, especially when dealing with action it is difficult to manifest this level of clarity and vividness in poetic form.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I have only one thing to point out: " who would win, who would loose " ~ I believe you meant “lose”, right?
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I really loved this poem. It is somewhat nostalgic for me since it reminds me of my grandfather (I know that is a strange thing to say in a review but I want to be honest and that is what I was thinking.) It is very well written, descriptive and beautiful. I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoyed reading this.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
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