I tend to do reviews based on two criteria. One is technicalities---such things as spelling and forming sentences.
The other is how well I think you did of taking an idea and translating that idea to a cohesive story. And I must say that you gave me a story such that I found it interesting that I read it twice. Good job here.
You are obviously an educated and literate person. I deduce this from your word choices. You have a good vocabulary.
Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that you were in a hurry when you set this down. There are words missing and other words that are missing such things as a suffix necessary to an orderly flow of reading. I think it'll be quite easy to fix!
A couple of examples: 'blain' in your first sentence. The only meaning I have for this word doesn't seem to fit with the other words in the sentence. In the next sentence you likely should have the past tense 'ate' instead of 'eat'. And in that same sentence you said 'prosed' and again it doesn't fit.
Work on this and it'll become significantly better!
I like this format because it necessitates honing your words and also knowing what you're doing in putting sentences together.
Excellent!
Beyond technicalities, I also try to make a somewhat subjective judgement as to whether you accomplished what you set out to do. And once again you succeeded.
I count down from five stars as I evaluate. But in this case no counting down was necessary---or even possible!
I do these little reviews on the basis of two criteria. First is spelling, word use, and other technicalities. About the only thing I can find to point to is your use of callus. May I suggest 'calloused' instead? a minor matter.
The second area I look at is a somewhat subjective one. The question, to me, is whether you seem to have created the work that you had in mind.
With such a limit, a reader must be prepared to do a lot of 'reading between the lines'. And the writer must be very choosy of the words in the first place since there are going to be so few of them.
You did it!
The words were well chosen; there were no misspellings; and you put the words into sentences that did a great job of drawing the sort of word picture that invited reading between as well as amongst.
You've done a good job of offering a 'slice of life'.
I judge the works I review on two criteria. And I give things a light 'once over' to be sure it's something that I'm likely to 'like' so as to not waste my time and feel compelled to give a bad review.
First criterion is technicalities such as spelling and sentence structure. No problems.
Second is my somewhat subjective view of the degree to which you accomplished your self-assigned task. Once more you did just fine.
There were no technical errors in the way of poor word choice, misspellings, or poorly-constructed sentences.
You very obviously accomplished what you intended to do in the first place. Succinct, no superfluity, complete within itself. You have created a practically-perfect example of presentation.
There's a great deal of truth in your little story. I'd even go so far as to say that if a copy of the story were to be given to married couples early in their marriage, and a reminder were to come along at 'special' intervals, we might make a dent in our divorce rate.
That's just super! And about everything else I'd say would have an exclamation point after it also!
You used words that made it easy to embroider around with the fingers attached to my mind's eye. You did it with no technical errors. And you did it all with only one hundred words!
In the way of technical details, I believe you should look at your second sentence. It has a hickup of some sort in the word-order and would be smoother with some attention.
I believe you did a good job of presenting the story as you intended, and the whole is cohesive.
You label this as unfinished. To my mind, perhaps it could do with a bit of polishing since I often go back and make minor changes after an effort has mostly come together. Note I said minor.
I use two criteria in doing a review. First is possible technical errors. I don't see any.
Second is my conclusion as to if you accomplished what you set out to do. I believe you succeeded.
What a really excellent little story! Well told, it flows from one point to another in such a way as to lead the reader onward. And the final lines are such as to make it necessary for me to take some early opportunity to check a kitten's fur.
There were no technical errors to detract from reading enjoyment.
Something went wrong with my attempt to explain my answer and my carefully-worded explanation simply disappeared. Suffice it to say that you needed to offer more, and different possibilities. My overt reaction to stress depends on the nature of the stress and the audience.
Without the note at the end, I'd have easily believed that this was a recounting of an actual experience. Since it's my conceit to always write in such a way as to, hopefully, leave the reader wondering if my story is 'made up', I feel particularly attuned to such a thing when I'm reading.
I can't offer anything negative at all, or any suggestions for improvement.
It doesn't take much to go, in my head, back to Dunn Hall and my Freshman and Sophomore years. I don't recall wanting to 'off' one of my roommates, but there were others around...
You have offered an excellent 'work-in-progress'. I'd like to see where you ultimately take it.
I try to do these evaluations based on two criteria. First, do I find any technical errors such as misspelling, poor sentence structure and the like. Your work seemed to be devoid of such problems.
The second consideration is the cohesiveness of the story itself. You did just fine; your work moved smoothly and was a pleasure to peruse.
You obviously told the story you intended, and you made no noticeable technical errors. My own choice would have been to have a different ending---it's quite possible when writing anything of the SF-sort. But you didn't write it for me, but for yourself and I respect that.
When I do these evaluations I try to use two criteria. One is whether I believe you succeeded in crafting the idea you had into the story you wanted to present. I believe you did.
The second is whether you created your story without significant language errors. I find no errors.
I was disappointed that your character didn't attempt something heroic---but that would be MY way of crafting the story---and I didn't write it, you did. You didn't write it fir me but for yourself.
What a super premise! One of the things I use in my own writing is to try to leave the idea that what's just been read is, just possibly, real. And I find myself wondering if this might be autobiographical. And if it is, I hope you are about to reach out and make some sort of physical contact with Jason. And then...
I wish you well. I believe you did an admirable job of presenting the idea you started from.
You undertook a significantly difficult job---that of telling this story dealing with different cultures and technicalities of warfare. And you did it VERY well.
I note some minor difficulties. (I'm a nut about firearms and their nomenclature.) A Hellcat would not have '.38' calibre machineguns as they simply don't exist. The U.S. airplanes of the time would have machineguns that would be either .30 calibre or .50 calibre but not .38 which is actually a size that would be used in a hand-held revolver.
Similarly, 9 MM is also a pistol calibre but would be used in a European-sourced handgun. A Japanese pilot would be most likely carrying a Nambu pistol which would likely be 8 MM.
Some other items caught my attention. 'Cleave' is present. 'Cloven' would have been more proper. A small glass flask is a 'vial' not a 'vile'. Going around an island would be to 'circumnavigate', not 'circumvent' which would be to outwit.
Your work was enjoyable to read. Thanks for the opportunity!
I expected the Musketeers to address each other as Athos, Porthos, and... And coincident with reading this, I just finished re-reading 'The Scarlet Pimpernel' so I was tuned-in to French goings-on.
I enjoyed your little story; you did a good job of opening a window into that time. Your use of French verbiage seem, to my only very slightly tutored eye to be authentic and certainly adds to the weight of the story line.
I note such things as 'mane' when I believe you mean 'maim' and what seems to be a few commas that might be applied to help the flow.
I believe you have achieved what you set out to do. I'll confess that the reading of it makes me slightly uneasy since I think it comes almighty close to what I see as blasphemy and that's time for me to wince.
On the other hand, you didn't write it for my benefit and it was my own choice to go through it. I, therefore, don't like it. But you must, or it wouldn't be here!
On occasion, I find it worthwhile to look through someone else's eyes and see the sort of problems I DON'T have instead of the problems I DO! Your little story does this sort of thing for me. I notice some elements that might benefit from some extra polish, such as the comment regarding 'a week' when the narrative seemed to actually take place during one day so far as is easily ascertained.
What you have offered is a practically perfect Short Short. It tells the entire story, doesn't leave anything significant hanging, and has no noticeable technical flaws. Have you tried any other sorts of fiction. I think I'm going to have to see what else you have here. My Congratulations!
Is it hard to write this sort of stuff when you have your tongue so securely in your cheek? I didn't count the bons mots in this little story but there were surely several. I appreciate such pyrotechnics and I found no technical errors! You have a talent for this---and you show it!
Ben
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