A really excellent idea. I believe my own writing honestly explores my feelings---my main character is ME---and I have no fear of stating my own attitudes. But because I write from a male viewpoint, I regularly wonder about what the attitudes I display might say to any female readers that wander by. I've had good reviews from women, but I wonder if they're, perhaps, just being supportive. Please look at the things I have in my port and see if anything I've posted there repels or offends you. Thanks!
I am making some assumptions---To wit: 1. This is just a beginning, and this is a continuing work. 2. It is your intent to create a 'humourous', caricature-driven story line, and 3. There will be a degree of tongue-in-cheek-ness to the remainder of the story-line. With that said, you have, so far, succeeded admirably. Therefore, the '5'.
For a different side of the mysterious, 'exactly what happened' school, please see my own efforts. Your evaluation is requested.
An excellent story! One of the key points about a piece, for me, is whether it accords with my mental picture of what actual people might do in the the situation as outlined. You've offered no false notes; I have no trouble imagining actual people behaving exactly as you state.
Ben
(I've never attempted a short story., but I'd appreciate your evaluation of the materials to be found in my port. Thanks!)
The '5' is for the writing ability you display. Now let me offer 'minus a zillion' for your intolerance and hostility directed, as a blanket statement, at religious conservatives. Wuornos killed several men---should we assume that all lesbians are serial killers? Blanket simplistic statements are very often at odds with reality. I wish you well!
I'd be very interested to know what prompted your desire for this information. The reason for my response is that I've spent some time 'court watching' and I know a number of cops. Over the last few years, our society has watched as 'peace officers' have become 'law enforcement'. Instead of caring for the public, the current thought is, "To hell with the public, the laws are what's important!" The 'us-or-them' mentality has fostered disdain for people, and created a mind-set among cops that allows an 'anything goes' approach.
What an excellent idea. I'll wait, with some degree of difficulty, for information about participation! I've been aware that there's a significant difference between porn and erotica ever since I cast my thoughts in that direction a significant number of years ago. But it seems to be easier to recognize than it is to define.
An excellent question, but there should have either been more possible answers or just 'yes' and 'no'. Sometimes the difference between erotica and porn is all in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes, one changes to the other in the middle of a paragraph. But only those with blue noses don't acknowledge the difference.
I've concluded that it's appropriate to award a '5' if I believe that you have succeeded in that which you set out to do. There are no technical errors and no spots where I sensed that something was awkward about the narrative. I can't think of anything that I could suggest to improve this little work.
On top of that, I had several chuckles, (chortles?) and a few snickers. I came close to a giggle in a couple of places.
For something decidedly different from your own work, might I suggest that you look at #1699622. I'm re-editing and will re-publish sometime in the fall. Your comments are entreated.
You've painted a word-portrait of the sort of interaction that would leave some sort of un-ease no matter what you did. I have no difficulty smelling the odors that would come from such a setting, Don't berate yourself. That you have made it possible for me to feel as if I had been where you stood is a measure of the degree to which you have succeeded. I congratulate you!
Although I was able to 'jump ahead' by the mid-point and had some inkling of the relationship you were delineating, the end still offered a modicum of surprise. This is an excellent little story! I'm actually at a loss to make any suggestions as to improvement. I wish you well.
Ben
A good idea. From my own perspective, I know very little about the 'workings' around here so every little bit helps. The rating offered reflects my notion that you have had an idea and followed through with it. To my mind, that's as good as it gets. The idea is certainly a help to me!
All the makings of a first class story. The idea of twins and the possibilities surrounding the special relationship they enjoy, gives a very worthwhile twist to your story.
You do an excellent job of word use. I'll look forward to reading the rest of your work as it develops!
Your poem is worthy, both in its message and its execution. I have no aspirations to be known as a poet, but I wonder if you might be able to express your thoughts even better if you were to attack the subject without any effort at rhyme. Please see my own try to express similar feelings, called 'Death Of A Thousand Cuts', to be found in my port. I wish you the very best in your labours!
A lot of content in a very few words! Excellently done! I really can't think of any change to suggest, and I am very careful about word choice. Gee whiz, golly. I think that means I think your effort is virtually perfect! Wait a minute---does perfection exist? Well, it this isn't it, I guess I have to say that it's beyond me!
What a really excellent little story! Although I might have chosen slightly different words in a very few cases, that's altogether a personal matter, and YOU wrote the story. And I'm an absolute 'bug' about words, so please don't take my comments as negative in any way.
Have you tried to sell this work? I have very limited experience in regard to placing this sort of effort, but it seems to me that it's altogether commercially worthy. Thanks for an excellent read!
As a prayer, this deserves a '5'. But I find myself distracted by your rhyming attempts---to at least some small extent this distracts from the message. Might I suggest a second effort that dispenses with rhyming? Your intent is certainly exceptional!
I've offered a '5' based on my evaluation that you have succeeded in that which you set out to do. As a technicality, a half hour at 200 feet should have needed some degree of scheduling during the return to the surface---but then I'm a 'bug' regarding details of this sort. I'll look forward to reading the other chapters of your work!
You've drawn an excellent word picture, and as an exercise in word use, it's one of the things you need to do. Very good so far. But for the beginning of a novel, it has far too much detail and moves far too slowly. Rex Stout said that you can say 'a man walked across the floor' or you can describe the actions of putting one foot in front of the other until he reaches the other wall. And I smiled when I read your work, because the first draft of my first published novel had a section much like what you've offered. After trying to make it work for about a week and a half, I finally cut out about fifteen hundred words. It worked much better that way.
I had no trouble envisioning the setting you described. And probably you can take most of your offered sentences and fit them here and there into your narrative. They paint an excellent picture. But opening paragraphs must grab a reader and pull him (or her) into the story. (The use of spell-check is also a good idea)
Not my area of interest, but VERY well written! You've given me a window into the fringe areas where 'Love' is not quite the hero-heroine sort of thing. There's nothing quite so satisfying as having one's horizons broadened and I, therefore, thank you very much!
Ben
The scene is set, but the style is just a little TOO spare for my taste. 1500 words would flesh it out and probably make it even more worthwhile. Don't make it too wordy, though!
As a 'newbie' to Writing.com I'm looking for any direction I can find to make my experience 'fruitful'. The pointers here will serve as my basic guide, as this is the very first place I 'landed' after going through the application process. at this point, I don't even know what I don't know about the benefits to be found here. I WILL enjoy the learning!
BG
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