It sometimes seems that when one doesn't know what ought to come next, it's simplest to just end it. And that's how it feels with this effort. You have started an EXCELLENT story---and then just left it up in the air with threads not connected to anything---when those threads will, with effort weave into a very worthwhile work!
Finish it! Develop it a little more! Pull it together so it has an ultimate feeling of completeness. Polish it!
I want to read it again---to find out the result for Grandfather!
And having said that, I need to remind you to polish the technicalities. 'Her' doesn't do things, 'She' does. You used 'were' for 'where' and occasionally skipped a word or part of a word. These are some of the sort of errors you'd undoubtedly catch with a bit of judicious editing.
The problems are just details. I could easily see this work as part of a commercially-offered group of short stories!
You have done an excellent job of using words to paint a picture. That the picture is not altogether clear is due, I believe, to the simple fact that this seems to be some sort of a work in progress. There's more story possible here and more than enough elbow-room in what you've already done to give you a basis for development.
From a technical standpoint, I noted a few words either miss-spelled or miss-chosen. Since I'm looking on this as only part of a larger effort, I'm sure that such things will be 'tidied-up' when you get further along.
Many years ago there was a publishing effort known as Ace Double Books. They were two novels, bound back-to-back so as to offer two front covers. One, I remember, was Andre Norton's 'Daybreak-2250 A D'. Although the stories are quite different, I taste somewhat the same flavour!
I always wondered about the back story behind that song. And now I know...
Doing worthwhile vernacular is one of the more difficult jobs that a writer needs to master if that writer is going to offer something creative. AND...
you've done it. There didn't seem to be any false notes in so far as I could see!
Woo Hoo! I was expecting some sort of 'Castle of Otranto' and instead I got---this.
I'm not sure I LIKED it; I guess I'll have to give it some time to soak into the back of my consciousness.
But I'm sure you achieved what you set out to do---and that's about the most important thing that could have happened. There were NO technical failures of any kind!
You have done a rare thing, in my opinion. I am left with the sneaky suspicion that there is reality in your little story. I go quite far out of my way, on occasion, to foster the same sort of notion in my readers, and know something of what it takes to create---or try to create---this sort of residue.
Good Job!! If I could give you more than five stars, be assured that I would!
You have done a good job of creating both a mental picture and the feeling that goes with it. But you misspelled several words. Your possessive needs a comma and I'm sure you weren't speaking of a point and therefore should have used the 'peek' form suggesting, in this case a sly look.
Generally not my thing but I believe you succeeded in the job you set out to do! But watch the technicalities!
I LOVED the twist at the end of this little word-picture! You have succeeded admirably in giving a whole bunch of information in only a few words. I found myself re-reading the whole thing to see where you used particular words to avoid giving the ending away.
I started with the thought that you needed to make use of spell-check. Then I decided that you were attempting to create a personem such that the spelling was part of the character.
Then I decided that it really didn't make much difference because the story line worked either way.
Not my thing; I happened on it by accident.
I believe that you succeeded in what you set out to accomplish, and that's the most important thing!
If you were to do a novella and therefore be able to develop 'Lou' a bit further, you would be well on your way to having a commercially viable starter for a series! I LIKE THIS!
Long years ago I spent most of my reading time with Shell Scott and Mike Hammer. Although Shell was tangled with a different girl in each book, Mike's office girl Velda was always around, and willing to show her legs.
Your little story fits very well into that sort of narrative, since Shell was to be seen in L A and Mike made his home in Manhattan. Chicago fits very well in the middle and your story does as well.
Technicalities of spelling and sentence structure are impeccable. But on another sort of technicality, a .38 is overwhelmingly likely to be a revolver. Revolvers do not lend themselves to the use of a 'silencer'. It's simply a matter of the way they're constructed.
This is not my thing! So take this with a grain of salt.
If you were composing music you might call this a tone poem. So I need to look at this in the light of what I sense---the 'feel' I get from the reading. If I read as if listening to music I can get it.
I believe you have achieved what you set out to do. There are no 'technical' errors to be seen.
The only problem I have is that it isn't finished! Go on ahead! You've brought all the necessary ingredients together for a little story with a chance for a significant twist at the end. Go for it!
(One other thing. People who are thoroughly familiar with such things as a 1911 .45 are unlikely to speak of the 'handle'. It'll almost always be spoken of as the 'butt' or 'grip'. 'Magazine' is good, the oft-used 'clip' is not accurate even if it's very often used.)
I am giving you four stars because I found your story idea intriguing and had no trouble following the story 'line'. But it was, for me, significantly distracting to find what I'll call 'misspellings'. I have the feeling that you dashed this little work off in a hurry. Please go back and 'neaten' it up! Then it'll be worth five stars.
As a teenager, I devoured the Sci-fi of the time Van Vogt and Heinlein were my regular companions. And then a few years later we actually went to the moon and I saw 'it' coming true. I never could get very excited about Captain Kirk.
Your effort takes up the mantle laid out by those early works and is about good enough for me to seek sci-fi again instead of my preferred fare. My congratulations!
Your imagery is excellent, with good word choice. No technical errors. The '5' is because you obviously succeed in your self-assigned task.
I also have to tell you that I'm a sucker for this kinda stuff---to such an extent that I had to blink several times to get the haze out of my eyes before I started to peck. I wish you well.
I envision you writing this as a sort of 'stream-of-consciousness' experience---an embroidery of something that actually happened. And I've based the '5' on my conclusion that you succeeded in what you wanted to accomplish.
You've exhibited a certain cavalier-ness toward technicalities of grammar and I'm not sure if you did so with calculation---putting yourself in the persona of your 'speaker', or if it may simply be that you dashed it off without the editing that might have caught the errors. That there are two possibilities is a potential plus for you!
Just as soon as I can blink my eyes enough to be able to see again, I'll try to put into words my thoughts about your effort. It'll be no surprise to you that I'm a cat fancier, so, to some extent, I find it easy to be able to see through a cat's eyes. And your words, without any false notes, help me do so.
An excellent job of putting the words to work! No grammatical errors, no misspelled words
I'm not sure if it's a tribute to my own mental process, or if, perhaps, it's that your words telegraphed the place to which you were headed, but I did see the ending coming. And you did it in so few words!
Love and assisted suicide? The writing paints a picture, albeit bleak, of, essentially a cop-out. My reaction, therefore, is that you've juxtaposed two mutually exclusionary ideas.
The writing is absolutely excellent. I can only say that if I were to be in the same place as your characters, I'd choose a different path.
Wow---the possibilities are overwhelming. Your thesis, as I read between the lines, offers broad potential for going almost anywhere. Is this time travel, or were the comments somehow metaphorical?
You show good word use, and I didn't notice any mistakes of grammar. Go for it!
First rate writing. I was immediately caught up in the story, and found no reason to stop until I hit the end. And that says something because I write the sort of adventure that's thoroughly of the modern thriller sort. One might almost say that I was trapped by your storytelling ability, and I mean that to be high praise. I'll look forward to seeing the rest of your effort.
Emphatically a good twist on an old story. I looked back for any reference to '...all the king's horses and all the king's men...' but they must not arrived by the time I got to the bottom of the wall. You did an excellent job of the writer's craft.
I'm neither vain nor am I likely to appear in public under conditions such that it would make any difference. But I also wear a beard, and am well aware of the itchiness that's part of a stubble. Why cause yourself grief? I'm going to assume that there's more than curiosity behind this query!
Ben
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