I think this is an interesting poll. Obviously we all write differently. It came as a surprise to me that so few writers write in silence (although I'm not one of them).
This makes me want to start a poll about what kind of music people write to.
I really like the way you back up your statements with examples. Shoes are very weather specific which makes it an easy point for everyone to relate to. Whether one lives in city where we have four distinct seasons including a very cold winter or lives in a more temperate climate with wet and dry seasons, we all change our footwear.
I can't help it, but I must say this is wordy. The word That is a filler you can often leave out of a sentence and get the same meaning. For example: I am now more convinced than ever that I will.. Consider how many times you use the word always. It isn't as effective when used repetitively. There are other ways to show always. The neighbourhood section is very repetitive as well.
The ending leaves me wanting to read the next part. I love the way you end it although I would position the perplexing up front and end with figuring it out. You are stating what perplexes you but the perspective isn't yours at the start of that last paragraph.
Interesting perspective. I like the way you describe the situation and the actions around. The narrator is very aware of its surroundings.
I really disliked the abbreviation Dr in the first line. it's distracting; I was thinking about the abbreviation and had to read it a second time. There are also some sentences that feel like two sentences but had no period in the middle.
I like your sarcasm and almost cynical attitude towards spending a lot of time dealing with your hair. Even though you write this from the black perspective, it is limited by that. I can relate well.
The explanation about your next appointment, which you included mid-sentence using brackets, felt crowded. I think it could follow as a separate sentence without your piece losing focus. This piece has a lot of very long sentences, including a couple which should have been broken into two. These were what led me to drop your rating slightly.
Your ending is an interesting one with your boyfriend's thoughts added in. Kudos!
Yikes! Kind of leaves me cold. I think that fits great with the contest prompt.I like that both of your characters are seeking the same thing at one point, even though they come from very opposing positions.
I did say the transition between him leaving and the alarm going off was a little rough. That might be alleviated by introducing that info a different way or by adding something about having trouble sleeping that night, something like that.
Your description of the actions as he knocks her out and attempts to drown her are wonderful. I like the way she holds onto her delusions about him at first.
Cassie is a great character. I like her simple view that she would stay with the same teacher. Her shyness to Ms.Ross is very natural.
I was disappointed to find errors that weren't caught in proofreading ~ spelling, punctuation and omitted words. Here are two examples: "What's your name?', She asked. and she smiled at him and said greeted him. It is a little wordy. I also felt the cookie analogy was above a grade one student's level.
Very original idea! The Polish boy in grade one is a great addition to the tale. :)
This is an interesting article. Showing us how it worked for your family and what your reasons were is far more effective than any statistical data you could give.
One thing I found out of place was his name only once. In the entire article, you call him my son and he except when you mention he knew the alphabet. There you give his proper name. Once you give his name, it would be more consistent to continue to use it. Or you could remove it altogether.
I like the emphasis you put on picking priorities with the new car comments. You don't beat the reader over the head with it. As parents, we do make choices on what we are willing to have or give up.
I enjoyed reading this and found myself nodding at many of your points, especially about the anonymous reviewers. Your examples support your points well.
There was one reviewing point that I was disappointed to see you did not touch on. You didn't really mention the review that is four words long and offers nothing helpful. That is a big frustration for me; a low rating but nothing to help me work on it.
As well, the section regarding raising a rating if the author makes changes is wonderful. I think too many members are unaware they can do that. I would like to see that point highlighted to more members. (This would be a good read for the "Noticing Newbies" newsletter, I think!) Food for thought!
The cold lack of emotion in this piece works well for the time of day and the quiet in which they are sitting. For someone who has admitted to cheating multiple times before, the lack of real remorse feels right. I didn't really believe him at the end.
There are a few placed in this piece where it felt like a word or two had been lost in error during editing. For example, in this sentence His lips brush her neck he feels the soft warmth of her skin but..., it feels like something is missing. The switch from her point of view to his feels a little abrupt although in such a short piece, I'm not sure how you rectify that.
I liked the parallel between the movement of the water after the fish and the possibility of forgiveness. It felt very natural. You've definitely got a start for something longer if you wanted to pursue this storyline. :)
Creepy concept. The clarity of the narrator's memories fit so well and explain well his obsession. His meticulous attention to detail (straightening your nightclothes and the sheets) is a nice extra insight on his personality.
The piece feels a little cold to me. There isn't much emotion which seems odd to me. There is no passion in his actions. I also felt a little like something was missing something - maybe how long he's been watching her, if this is his first entry to her home, how long ago school was.
I like the way you balance the need to give the scenery and history with care not to overwelm with details. It works for you.
I think this has the potential to be something interesting to read. I like the idea that she isn't what she seems to the casual observer; she isn't the typical ex.
The first half is a little confusing. There is so much description that I lost track of what was happening. The long sentence beginning with "cocktail of fumes" is one obvious example.
I was disappointed when I came to your own editing notes about Paul and Lou. I forgot about the scene you were describing; I thought about why you had left the note there and what made you skip that part. I hate to reduce a rating, but that did it for me. You could have used your notepad for personal edit points.
I like the casual mention of their occupations at the end. It's a great way to include the info without beating your readers with boring narrative. :)
I like the way you have addressed this issue without talking down to readers who may be learning this information for the first time. Your examples, like Kim Wright and Penelope Prince, are great support.
I was a little disappointed that you used an extreme for your bad letter example. A middle of the road letter without glaring errors but common problem errors would have been more useful to me.
The layout of your article is very easy to read and kept me from feeling overwelmed by information. Good work. :)
There are a few phrases that really stood out for me, like swatting a passing meteorite to fragments and a million suns glinted off its mercury hide.
The piece felt very congested. The majority of sentences are compund sentences or simply long. There is a lot of description and, in places, feels wordy. For example, you mention the blackness of space twice.
The idea that all dragons share a telegraphic awareness and respect of each other. I like the feel of continuity that gives this piece! :)
You've captured the playfulness of childhood well. It was fitting that her garden had a mix of flowers and carrots. I loved when she counted the carrots and examined them.
You use Auntie and Aunty interchangeably in this piece. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or an error in consistency.
It is a bit repetitive in places. In narrative, you have Wendy wondering if she is getting any toys for her birthday and then she asks. You could delete telling us because you show us in dialogue. I understand that some of your repetitiveness is for children learning to read, but it helps to watch where you use it.
I felt like you were putting off getting to the story with all the detail and backstory at the beginning. You could have started with her going to live with Nora and not lost anything. It only adds length.
This is an easy read. I think children would especially enjoy the way the rabbit moves. The hoppity-plop, hoppity-plop, across the field, scrabble, scrabble is fun! :)
What a fun story! I love that you have named her Grandmother Spider. It fits so well that she is the one watching over them. I enjoyed the imagery that you used with the sun rising and the days ending.
There were a couple of sentences that didn't flow right to me while I was reading this.
The long house was once again washed with the peacefulness that came at night.
The small mouse, in her gentle way, told Grandmother Spider that while she was looking here and there for dinner she was sitting by a boy when something flew into the long house. -- those few words seem to clutter it. They don't add to it.
So many children don't like spiders, but you've really given them a good reason to like them. I could see this with wonderful illustrations. :)
I think you paint a really strong image of what a pigsty they live in. I could see the mess and hear the blaring on the tv. The only thing that felt missing to me was her drinking problem. It would have fit so easily.
Something in your story made me think his daughter was seriously ill although you never say it. I'm not sure why. Maybe because he lets his wife get away with not cleaning and not making an issue. Maybe that the daughter was in the bedroom and not playing underfoot in the messy livingroom.
If he is working 60 hours per week, he should have decent pay, but no housekeeper to help when his wife's ignorance of housekeeping is making him crazy?
This feels like a strong beginning of something longer. Have you considered expanding it? :)
I love your children's pieces. You always have a good grasp on dialogue and deal with common issues that are easy to relate to. I like how you have left this open to further explore if you choose to.
A couple of technical notes...
* You don't need to name the teacher twice in the first paragraph. You could say her name in dialogue and leave it as new kindergarten teacher in the narrative.
* Some spelling errors (counld be beat friends)
* You use well twice and it's very noticable. All the children get on well and The day went well. It may simply be the length that makes the two stand out. I would change one of them.
This is a fun piece. I love how the muse refers to writer's block as the silent treatment. Interesting but very true way of thinking of it. I also like how you give the muse ego - Times like that, I don't even bother giving him my best.
In the opening, it says it is Jotokai's muse then later, the muse has to explain Jim is his writer. If you used your first name in the first paragraph, you wouldn't have to explain it later.
In the third paragraph, your first sentence would be stronger without the word just. Just dismisses the concern so it doesn't demand the attention. I want you to think about how we feel.
Your title is very creative and appropriate for the subject. Naming a piece can be the hardest part of a story sometimes. I think you've made the most of your allowed words. Your comparison of this one and the other visitors is a great one. Don't change that if you do any edits.
Proofreading and spellcheck before posting is a big one for me. Your title "Fem Fatal" is mispelled if you were going for femme fatale. I was distracted thinking of that and again when you called her fem.
Interesting piece. Not the usual topic people usually pick! :)
You've used your words well for such short pieces. It isn't easy to tell a story in 55 words. "The Stalker" was my favourite piece in this folder. I like that what it starts out to be (danger from an animal) isn't what it really is about (a game with your brother). "The Burglar" shows a sad side of reality. There are cases where that is probably true. I think it was a good move to collect these in a folder, rather than leave them separate in your port.
"Love Crushed Roses" was the weakest piece here. It doesn't flow well to me. I think you use his name too much for the length of it. :)
You use your details well. You fill out your characters without bogging down the current story. I like that. Bea is an interesting side character: a tough old bird, but heart of gold in her actions (the stew left for Chelsea).
My only criticism (and you know this already from me) is that you fall back on weak adjectives sometimes instead of using a more active verb. For example, "walked slowly back to the computer" could have been "wandered back". You have mostly cut out lazy words since I first read this though.
This is a great beginning for something longer and I really hope you continue with this (post the next part). I'm curious where this is going and the significance of the couple who were ring shopping!
I love your opening dinner scene. I can see it so clearly and what you choose to describe is very effective. I love this...
"A thin orange cat was watching the laces with intense concentration, reaching out a tentative paw to bat them now and then."
I don't know if it was intentional but it sounds like she is a single mother and her sons have no male role model. Is that ultimately what contributes to Tommy not being a civilized role model? You have a gift for characters. In a short piece, you don't have a lot of time to show them.
I was disappointed that you don't actually say what he did. What was the deal with Charlie? You introduced it like it was important and, in the end, it feels like something was accidentally deleted in an edit. That led me to reduce my rating.
I love the calmness of Charlie. There is no nervousness, except in the moment when he realizes there might be trouble. Your visuals are creative - green shoes, the carved grooves on his desk, beehive hair. The green text is a nice touch. Usually, I find coloured text distracting, but, in this case with everything in green, it works.
“It is probably because I just came back.” -- seems so formal. Most people would use "it's" in common speech.
“I said come with me” she said in a much calmer tone.--- when did she say it the first time. "I said" sounds like it is the second time she made the demand.
You also refer to Charlie by name in half of your paragraphs as if you aren't sure people would know who you are referring to if you had used a pronoun instead.
I was confused a bit by this: "he was really flattered at how shocked everyone was when they saw him. That showed they knew who he was." You don't go into this later. Is this important?
I really enjoyed the first half before Sam comes into this piece. I think you've summed up well the disappointment of losing a character (story?) that started out so well and never developped. Sometimes the character is too good to give up. I half wondered if after all that, Lammy has now become your inner critic who holds you back.
The second half with Sam didn't work as well for me. It felt like a separate piece which had been merged by accident. I understand, I think, that you were going for someone to break through to the lamp post, but it didn't work for me.
I think you've presented some honest truths about writing. Pay does come in other forms than money. Writers should check out the magazine or website or whatever media it is they want to be published by. It is common sense, but sometimes we all need that reminder. I liked the casual tone of this piece.
However, I wasn't sure sometimes if you were referring to all publishers in general or mainly online ones. It didn't feel like it really discussed the two sides, but rather was more about your own experience with it. I'm not saying that's wrong, but, for me, it didn't match the pros and cons in your title. :)
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