What a terrific photo of you! I love the jungle theme you've got going in the backyard, I live in a desert so it's hard to remember sometimes what lush foliage there is out there!
This was a nice adventuresome read. I really enjoyed this story-probably because I love to fish myself!
I liked the build-up of the car ride out to the river and also the interplay between father and kids.
You did a nice job of building up the story with vivid scenery and details which help to enhance your story.
A suggestion or two, there is a point in the story where you write: "Bob ran a hand through..." since this is being told by the son, perhaps you might consider "Dad ran a hand through...".
Also, you repeat a few times "my dad" or "my sister" again, from that perspectice, "My" is not necessarily required. You might just say "Dad" or "Lauren" etc...
All in all, a pleasant read, and a very nice ending as well!
What an adorable tale! Saving kisses and giving them back! Too cute, !
I wondered as I read how you would solve the building tension, after all, what could thousands of kisses do?
I liked your storyline and build-up, really enjoyed the kiss-fest and giggled as Noik recaptured all his kisses!
Only a few suggestions to help you out, run Spell Check, there are numerous little typos throughout your story that a quick Spell check will solve for you.
Also, you use the word "recipients" quite often in the last several paragraphs...try the "Ideanary" for alternative words such as "Box, receptacle, container, enclosure, vault, cell, or bin etc..."
Hi! This is a terrific "Feel Good" kind of love story that I just love to read!
It's not so long that it takes forever to meet and familiarize yourself with the characters, but rather just like an afternoon stroll where you get home just at sunset!
I love the coziness you've created for your characters, I like the intimacy of being included in "their song" and I thoroughly enjoyed your super-fantabulous ending!
Only one suggestion for improvement:
"C'mon, be my Georgie Girl, just for one dance" and her reached out towards her hand. "her" should be "he"
Just got through your piece "Face Value" and found it a little bit hard to follow, at least at the very end.
What I did like was some of the suspense of not knowing when or who or where she was going to get caught.
I also enjoyed the character introductions of Sunitas' friends as she ponders who her pursuer might be.
What I suggest for improvement; not quite so much of the running through the woods, there are seven paragraphs of that and I found myself wanting to skip ahead to the ending.
Also, use your description tabs, instead of "Other" perhaps "Mystery" or "Horror" or any number of other Genre's might garner you a few reviews. I see this was created in 2002 but I'm the first to review it and it's now 2007! You can also utilize the site's other forums, like "The Shameless "Plug" Page" or "Please Review" to help you get additional feedback.
I hope some of these comments may have helped you, if not, I apologize .
I like this! The idea of a Magic Blue Mountain which transforms adults into three year olds doesn't strike me so out far of the realm of the possible.
Imagine a lovely journey with your child, who upon stepping into the magical influence of the Blue Mountain becomes your teacher of all things important to three year olds! Fantastic!
What I liked was the simplistic idea behind this quaint little fantasy piece with its clear intention and promise of magic.
I would recommend perhaps a different choice of format, maybe one less structured like prose or poetry and more like a short story with paragraphs instead of stanzas.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it and am wondering why it's never been rated since 2002-Oh My! Thank you for sharing with us!
I like this! The idea of a Magic Blue Mountain which transforms adults into three year olds doesn't strike me so out far of the realm of the possible.
Imagine a lovely journey with your child, who upon stepping into the magical influence of the Blue Mountain becomes your teacher of all things important to three year olds! Fantastic!
What I liked was the simplistic idea behind this quaint little fantasy piece with its clear intention and promise of magic.
I would recommend perhaps a different choice of format, maybe one less structured like prose or poetry and more like a short story with paragraphs instead of stanzas.
Otherwise, I enjoyed it and am wondering why it's never been rated since 2002-Oh My! Thank you for sharing with us!
I enjoyed this inspirational story with its little twist at the end. Thank you for sharing it with the rest of us here at WDC.
I particularly enjoyed the way you seamlessly brought the first and second parts of the story together so well. That's not always an easy thing to do.
I liked the flow you created, but had a problem with the Edit Points; I would have preferred them set up throughout the entire story so the feedback could be a little more inclusive.
One thing I do recommend, perhaps a little more background description on Henrietta or on her co-worker's reason's behind their comments-a little something to help the reader emotionally connect with her.
Well Done! I couldn't play a game of golf if my family's lives depended upon it!
I know my husband enjoys the game, I enjoy the Bible but we each are confused about the others' passions!
I'm printing this out so he can have a read, a "Mulligan" if you will and I'm going to have a re-read myself!
I very much enjoyed your descriptive references to the Bible and its associated link in golf which in turn actually helped me to understand it at a very basic level-something my husband has not been able to do!
Suggestions to make it a better read- well, maybe an explanation of your Obsessive/Compulsive disorder as compared to the the Book of Deuteronomy?
A sad tale of abuse and lost innocence. I speak from personal experience, a very dark and nasty place.
I think this probably is like a fuse to burried memories; once brought to the light again it's very hard to burry it completely. It demands to be voiced, held, examined, executed.
It can never be made right, but it can be made to heel at the end of a very long leash.
Precious moments, a rarity in harsh times, deserve to be remembered and treasured and shared.
Thank you so much for sharing one of your precious treasured moments with the rest of our writing community...it helps to recover during those not so memorable times.
You have a beautiful family and your proud, loving remarks shine through like a bright beacon on a dark moonless night.
I can see why you lavish praise on those individuals who you look to as heroes, I've run across a few of those in my life as well and nothing we can ever write or say can exactly measure up to the spectacular impressions they have left behind.
A beautiful and triumphant dedication to their selfless actions, bold spirits and honored memories.
I liked the premise behind your story, a small innocent child and the huge overwhelming presence of a naturally occuring cataclysmic phenomenae. Piercing and poignant from the child's perspective.
I liked your viewpoint, but felt a bit let down at the calmness of the narration. I guess I expected more dramatic a response from the narrator...her family lost, she was lost, disorientation etc...
Overall, a fresh viewpoint and a nicely rounded story.
Recommendations: Read your story out loud to see where the "flat" patches are. Inject just a little bit of the hysteria I'm sure that child was experiencing.
Well Done, Write On!.......catty
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