I think this is a nice little horror story, but only a little on the horrific side. It kind of reminds me of that one Twilight Zone movie where the thing from outer space ignights the green mossy, grass-like stuff to take over the world.
WHAT I LIKED:
I like the first person narative.
I like the premise of a child working on making the world a better place.
WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE:
I didn't like that there was no emotion displayed by the narrator. I know that they are aware the world is coming to an end, but I would have liked to feel a little sorry for your characters but I didn't get a chance to know them.
SUGGESTIONS:
Remove the story from "bold print", I found myself wondering if this was done accidentally or on purpose but wasn't given the reason why it was told in "bold"
In your 3rd paragraph, typo: KATR should be KATE
In 1st paragraph, THERE'RE - do you mean THEIR or THEY ARE? That particular sentence is so short the contraction only confused me.
In paragraph 5: sprouts and weeds Even the - A period before "Even"
SUMMATION:
A pretty good story over all! Thank you for sharing!
This was a very tidy drama about a boy and his gift of music...
I enjoyed the interplay between the brothers, how they realistically get along on some days and not on others.
I was kind of disappointed in the relationship of Jon and his father, though it too is probably more true to life than one would wish as well.
I did like the flashback of Jon's about his grandmother, one can imagine a small boy sitting next to his Nan and playing with the keys-mine does with me all the time!!!
Thank you for the wonderful read, though provacatively sad in its ending!
Hmm, where to start? Your basic story line for this chapter is about family and heritage. What father passes down to son, familial hopes and dreams of a bright future.
I think you've laid out this chapter well, describing the events of the day from beginning to end and to a degree, those descriptions are to the point. As a reader, I would prefer a little more descripion, a look into Seamus' soul and I'm trying to feel for him, but not quite getting there.
I don't think you're doing more "telling" than you are "showing" but for me it just doesn't quite grab me. Your paragraph's on how Seamus met his wife felt rushed and with your chapter's ending, I can't feel for Treasa because I don't really know her yet. The ending also felt a little rushed, I would like it stretched out a bit more-almost as if time stood still and perception continues on without the aid of a clock.
On the good side, I love your choice of setting for the tale. So many opportunities for your character's family, a strong bond between the man and his ancestry as well as a firm belief in the family unit.
The conflict of the English intruder grabbed me from the paragraph of Seamus' first hearing of Treasa's scream. Very appropriate for the time period.
A couple of suggestions to make this a little more readable:
Double space between paragraphs-it's easier on the eyes. Also, try breaking up the paragraphs just a little when the topic changes, for example; in the first paragraph, I would start a new one with the sentence: About an hour into our trip, the traffic came to a near standstill.
Thanks for posting, even though it was very tragic.
Hello! Nicely worded, especially with so few words!
Well done and to the point. Poignant and truthful, though many would wish it weren't so. A complete story of love and loss, though I think more to the advantage of the young lady, no?
Hiya, Shadow...This one left me with tears at the end.
No, I'm not some emotionally-challenged female, either!
Anyhow, very good story, I almost tasted the bitter black coffee and felt the grit in my own boots. Appropriate twist at the end kind of reminded me of the "Cowboys" movie with John Wayne.
That one moment in the movie, where they can't find the grave marker? Know what I'm talking about? Where they all finally decide that it doesn't matter where they place the stone because his spirit is with them on the inside.
Strangly written, the reader is compelled to follow each sentence with the next until the end is reached.
Suicide is never easily written about, either in truth or fiction, but you do a very good job here.
I was only slightly confused about the relationship between the three characters. Was he the brother of both women, were the women sisters and he the spouse or lover of the deceased, or am I way off?
In any case, a dramatic writing which makes one think hard on the words.
Very intriguing read, thank you! I very much enjoyed your style of writing, your poor chew toy's ever present descent into the quagmire of dissagreeable luck!
I love how you portray him as ever the optimist and the wonderfully wicked twist at the end was icing on the moldy cake!
Your title does express the story well! Will there be more added later, or is this piece pretty much done? If you're just starting out, please let me know when you add on to it, I will gladly adjust my rate appropriately.
Good luck with your story line and Write on!....catty
I liked the mysterious "Black Room" with its ominous inhabitant, very nicely written with a macabre tilt to the story.
I was left wanting more, more about the gallery and some of its other collectibles, more about some of the life of Ivan as he performed his duties dilligently. More about why Ivan was chosen and more about what wanted out of the black crystal.
Suggestion: Some of your paragraph's are missing the extra space between them, this slows the reader's eye as it moves left to right, top to bottom.
mimiced should be mimicked A quick squeeze was mimiced by the squeeze his chest felt when the water hit the stone face, and hissed.
You used the word "slammed" twice in the same sentence. A solid block of rune etched steel slammed down in the entranceway with such force that the air rushing out from under slammed Ivan backwards into the stone.
crytal should be crystal. Though the air around the stone was cool as ever, the stone itself was like crytal fire.
All in all, a very enjoyable read. Write On!....catty
I think you have the basis for a really hot story here, but you're trying too hard.
Show the story, don't just tell it. Use the ideanary for alternative phrases and words instead of repeating the same words over and over.
Use dialogue to your advantage. Make the excitement of the moment sizzle for your characters and the reader!
Also, use extra spacing between the paragraphs to help break up the story for ease of reading.
Lastly, EDIT. Use the spell check and read your story out loud so you can hear what it sounds like, it helps to catch the little mistakes everyone makes.
I hope I wasn't too hard on you, that's not my intention. I love to read this type of story and I really hope my suggestions are helpfull.
Not a bad story, but I find myself wanting to know more about the main character. He lives, he prepares to die, then he meets his ancestors. I feel like there just isn't enough emotion expressed to make me connect with your character.
I feel this story is all "tell" and very little show, though you have written it extremely well. I just would like to have seen maybe some of the battles described, his internal conflicts, perhapse some input by his ancestors before they come into the story.
SUGGESTION: In paragraph one, the sentence which begins: He therefore vowed... is missing a word after one, try day
A hauntingly told sad piece of writing which is sure to send someone chills on a dark and bleak night!
I like your style of writing, very dark and piercing. The description of the cold room, the frightened girl and the just-out-of-sight demon well done.
My only recommendation would be to try to incorporate smells and responses-you describe the girl's only resort to curl in fear, could you include any fear responses such as sweaty palms, tears, gasping breath, etc? Does the demon smell of sulphur, or ?
I think your story idea has definate potential. It will require a lot of work, in setting up both worlds and customs, the plot of outwitting a superior enemy, and also the sad reality of having to wipe out another race to take over their planet because we have misused our own.
Good luck in the writing, I would love to see how this progresses.
This was a nicely written comedic piece which I enjoyed reading. Your use of description placed me right in the middle of the short story and held me through to the end.
SUGGESTIONS:
In paragraph one, you change from past to present tense: skipped, would burn try burned
A space is needed between the second and third paragraphs.
I worked my way up way up his body, repeating way up way up and sounds like you've already approached the Adonis, try My eyes worked their way up and down his body...
His chest build like an try His chest was built...
I love that you use your own photographic talents to create such serene and beautiful C-Notes.
I found the pricing very reasonable and the notes of the highest quality, simply worded and phrased allowing the purchaser to place their own personal stamp on it when sending.
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In paragraph one, you change from past to present tense: skipped, would burn 
A space is needed between the second and third paragraphs.
I worked my way up way up his body, repeating way up way up and sounds like you've already approached the Adonis, try 
His chest build like an try 
Second to the last paragraph, Whit should be 
Your story was written in past tense, yet your very last sentence switches to present tense.