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281 Public Reviews Given
606 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Season Tickets  
Review by catty
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great way to support RAOK!!!
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Review by catty
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shaara,

This is an adorable illustration for your story! I think it's right on target for the younger audience and the bright colors are terrific!

I think this goes terrifically with your story's description and is a job well done!

Write On!

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....catty
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Review of Remembrance  
Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a very inspiring monologue. I enjoyed reading the descriptions and the emotions as they became relevant to the past and present.


I think the simplicity of the memories expressed make the woman more real to the reader and I like the raw edge the narrator's voice has to it.


The repeating words are very life-like, as a person grieving might feel.


Well done, write on!....catty
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Review of Sorry  
Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very strong emotions in this piece, sounds like it was based on true feelings and emotions.

I have only a couple of suggestions: my suggestions are in red...your writing is in blue:

I should of have never did the things I did

For thinking there could be anything in between us

I would also suggest you include punctuation for easier reading, there is a missed apostrophe in your last line in that's

All in all, not a bad bit of emotional writing...catty

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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
On first read, I was thoroughly lost, the italicized words had no apparent reason for being italicized, I couldn't follow what the main dialogue was refering to and could not follow the plot.

That was on first read through. I went back, taking special care not to rush the reading. I wanted to feel your words, breathe in the atmosphere, enjoy the write, as it were.

The second read through was dynamic! Ah! I got it! A mum has been asked to watch her dear darling performing in the theatre, and the observations are her hopes and expectations, then realizations of said hopes.

You put me in that uncomfortable seat right next to you and Loyal Friend.

Well done! I think I shall go back and read it again! Write on!....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This has been such fun! I love pulling up my favs and seeing this needing anew entry!....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this story! The emotions exhibited by the two bears for each other was perfect!

The unknown struggle to allow hope into their bleak lives even when all was lost, I simply held my breath.

This was really a moving, touching, breathing tale and I hoped for a happy ending the whole way through!

I'm sorry you won't be around to compete in the finals of the contest, but you certainly kept me on my toes while you were here!

Until next time....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I found this simple tale of survival inspiring. The poor moles, blind in sunlight, never had a chance, did they?

Ah, well. I like your use of urgency, the way you wrote the paragraphs insists on the reader hurrying along so as not to get swept away before the end arrives.

Then you introduce hope into the story with the birth of the little moles and dash it all away in the final paragraph.

Very exciting reading!....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I thought this story tied together nicely in a tidy little package!

The child's obcession with Gucci shoes and the terrifying crocodile which haunted the cozy neighborhood, very well done.

Keep up the good work! Good luck in the contest....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked the ending. Your use of an auxiliary narrator is ingenious.

I found this chapter to be the most intriguing of all so far. The character developements were more genuine, the reader really hated meeting the Zgorb Empress and the emotions are straight from the gut.

No low punches here, I liked the tying up of loose ends between Zar and Drab. I like the introduction of another lost race being saved. I thoroughly enjoyed the interaction of the military aspects, as well as the civilian aspects of this chapter.

A question for you, do you think Ryan would not feel a scab or wound or some healing from the implantations?

Also, Zar was sixteen at the beginning of the book, it's only been half a Quorilaxian year, would this be an acceptable age for her to "marry" Ryan and adopt an infant? I realise that would be thirty-two earth years, but you still have her attending school, so... maybe an adjustment or the clarification of high school, or college or something would help. Also, at the end, Ryan is depicted as about ten Quorilaxian years, would this be accepted on Quorilax normally?

One more final thought, how were Ryan and Zar treated after their union? And with an alien daughter? I got the feeling this ending was rushed just a bit. I wanted a little more, not just the speech at the end by Kelly O'Reilly.

I enjoyed this complete story very much. You have developed in depth characters, and a common thread through the chapters in the will to survive.

I hope you don't take offense to any of the comments or suggestions made, they were offered in the spirit of assisstance. If you have been angered in any way, I apologize.

Thank you for a wonderful read....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sheesh, forgot to include a few pointers on this chapter, completely missed my notes. Sorry!

*Star*The paragraph beginning: The Quorilaxian Grand Admiral. You make reference to the height of the Grand Admiral as 130 Human feet tall. Up to this point in the story, you use no other form of measurement and adding the word Human is a distraction here. It is assumed the measurement is human unless you say it is not.

*Star*In the paragraph beginning: Meanwhile, Kalgotha was playing Once again, you use Human standards to describe height here.

That's it, now I'm off to the next chapter!...catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Several questions pop into mind in this chapter.

1. If Ryan felt so in love with Zar that he would refuse Kelly, why did he not refuse the three previous human women? Also, with his knowing the race required his DNA, do you really think a nineteen and eighteen year old would stop and wonder and think before coupling?

2. WHY is Kelly so aggressively angry? I felt no connection to this character and it became a frustration for me. Also, Ryan is just too, perhaps complacent, is the word I'm looking for. Kelly throws a tantrum and she leaves of her own accord, then winds up dead. Convincing me of Ryan's guilt in this entire chapter just didn't flush right. She behaved as a b**** and his responses just didn't feel genuine.

3. The emotions and anger, as well as the human responses evoked by Ryan when he finds Kelly's lifeless body are awesome! This is a teenager. This is an abductee. This is passion. Why isn't this carried through the first two chapters? The gritty, interesting part of life is not about how prettyt the world is, it's about the underbelly, the shadows. No one can be as accepting of all things so meekly. In this chapter, you give Ryan a backbone!

The horrifying twist at the end of this chapter is just fantastic. The genuine reaction of Ryan is perfect.

I like this chapter. I see it as a pivotal point, the leaping-off place if you would. Ryan decides to make a stand, and sticks to his guns. The hunt scene is superb. His failures and then the find of the dead animal draws the reader into Ryan and Kelly's plight of survival.

I am off to the next chapter. Write On!....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
In this chapter, you introduce other humans to your main character. In one instance, you gloss over the fact that Ryan had been "with" three females as part of the breeding program, but there is no mention of them or the incident in this chapter.

I feel like the passage was just thrown in as a distraction. I would suggest adding to this with a bit of background on those meetings, the emotions involved, etc. Make your reader identify with your main character, he's not a sterile field, he's your MAIN CHARACTER! If I can't identify and feel what your characters are feeling, why would I read on? Just a thought.

Another suggestion. I find myself asking for some background on Kelly. Where has she been kept? Has she got a guardian too? What have her experiences been since her abduction? Why is she so mistrusting, does she have cause to be? I am trying to identify with her, and her importance to the story, but there is nothing given to draw from.

What I liked: This chapter has a lot of things going on. You have human-napping, crash landing, rescue, escape, freedom, and another new world with its own species in occupation.

You have a wonderful descriptive grasp of your fantasy world, and the consistencies throughout the plot and story really bind this chapter to the first one. You introduce a hint of subterfuge and unrest, as well as the emerging strong will and spirit of your main character.

Another well written chapter. Write On! I'm off to the next chapter....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey, completed your very intriguing story, and here goes!

Suggestions:

*Star*FIRST PARAGRAPH: The sign told you to merge right a mile ago, you moron! If you would actually pay attention, maybe then you wouldn’t have had to cut me off! I would suggest you italicize this part, to help differentiate where the story is being narrated, and the narrator is venting. Just a little smoother transition would help.

*Star*FOURTH PARAGRAPH: That seemed to be the only exit port that I could find, since I didn’t see any doors at the moment. This read a bit wordy to me. As a normal 19 year old, using the words "exit port" seems out of character. I would suggest simply stating: That seemed to be the only exit I could find.

*Star*FOURTH PARAGRAPH: There was only one thought going through my mind at this point: alien abduction. I suggest a period after "point". Alien abduction should stand on its own here. A simple statement made simply has more of an impact that the colon (in my opinion *Smile*

*Star*NINTH PARAGRAPH: I notice you use "that" and "had" quite a bit. These tend to bog down your reader and diminish the intensity of your sentences. An enlish professor once told me "If you can get away without using those two passive words at all, you can write." LOL! Some times it's very hard to remember those words, and I still catch myself using them in my own writing. But, when I've gone back and edited those passive words out, the dynamics of the story are much more clear.

EXAMPLE: you wrote:I had thought that this entire episode was a nightmare, but now I came to the terrifying realization that I was truly experiencing it. I knew that I was not imagining this, because not even my twisted mind could dream up something this bizarre. I had been captured by a giant alien being that, by some extraordinary, unexplainable coincidence resembled a feline! I suggest: I thought the entire episode a nightmare, but now I came to the terrifying realization I was truly experiencing it! I knew I wasn't imagining this. Not even my twisted mind could dream up something this bizarre. I was captured by a gian alien which resembled a feline!

I don't think "extraordinary, unexplainable coincidence" is necessary. The abduction is in itself extraordinary and so the repetition is not needed. If it was unexplainable, there would be no story. As far as coincidence-you do get around to explaining these in your last chapter and I think by hinting at the coincidence here it is diminished in a small way. Let the reader discover this coincidence when Ryan does for greater impact.

*Star*In the paragraph which begins: "ZAR, HURRY UP,": No one had a chance to answer before his hand had snatched me off of the table and brought me in front of his face, with his cobalt blue eyes, the same color as Zar’s and each larger than Swiss balls, scrutinizing me closely. This is rather long and makes many statements. Try breaking up this sentence a little. Also, 'snatching' implies 'hand' and I would suggest something less passive like: No one had a chance to answer before he snatched me off the table. His cobalt blue eyes, the same color as Zar's, scrutinized me closely. The "Swiss balls" made no sense to me at all and by describing his eyes, the reader knows where he has been lifted to without the "in front of his face" part.

*Star*In the dialogue portion after Drab attacks Ryan, you use "?!" in many places. This got very distracting. One or the other combined with the actual dialogue gets the emotion and brevity accross very well without the double punctuations.

*Star*Paragraph which begins: She threw her head back and released a mighty, deafening roar, then brought her face right above his. “I am hurting you?!” she said furiously. “I am not hurting you! You do not even know the meaning of pain, you pathetic little Zgorb!” Her tail was projecting stiffly into the air like a giant, angry cobra getting ready to strike. Is Zar asking or stating? Putting both punctuations confuses the reader, combined with "she said furiously". If this is a question, shouldn't Zar ask{/} furiously? Also, the last sentence reads like an incomplete thought. If you remove the passive was{/}, it would help the whole sentence. For example: Her tail projected stiffly into the air like a giant, angry cobra; ready to strike!

This is a very strong first chapter. I like your character developement, and strong descriptions. You tend to over emphasize the size of the things around your title character, which distracted me from the story. After your initial descriptions, repeatedly telling the reader about the height of Zar as compared to Ryan, becomes diminishing. We know she's huge and he's not, get on with the story, it's too good to cover ground you've already chewed once! I found myself wanting to skip ahead when you begin repeating size differences again.

All in all, this was a very good read, and I'm off to the next chapter. Write On!....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a nice, enjoyable read.

I enjoyed your descriptions of the background and how the sorrel came to be yours.

Your insights into every day life as the owner of a Stallion were probably very glossed over as I can imagine!

I found no spelling errors, grammatical errors, nor incorrect POV fluctuations.

Thank you for an enjoyable read. *Smile* Write On!....catty
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Review of Bessie  
Review by catty
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What a cute cow story! Bessie was indeed a brave bovine to brazen her own way into the great wide world!

Your descriptions of the 'beasts and monsters' was just perfect, perhapse as a cow possibly sees them.

I liked your use of imagery which kept the story's movement in a nice and tranquil forward looking attitude.

Only found one typo:

         Revered by the other cows, she lived a content contented life on her farm, and was happy knowing that she had finally found her place in the world.

All in all, a delightful read. Write on!....catty
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Review of Visual Poetry  
Review by catty
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful!

I love the imagery, and the chosen words to represent what all is encompassed here.

Write On! (as YOU say *Smile*)....catty
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Review of The Magic Cat  
Review by catty
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely well thought out story. Very heart warming and tender, yet teaching a moral as well.

The descriptions given: the garden full of beautiful flowers that bloomed in riotous bright colors and in soft pastel shades are wonderful and the eomotions brought out are absolutely perfect.

I cringed when she had rocks tossed at her, and when her nearly blind companion stumbles in the pitted roads.

Very well done story. Write on!....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Jarensbud,

Hello, I've reviewed your short story as requested, and I think it a wonderful tale for young adults.

You have plenty of dialogue to keep the story moving along well *Smile* and except for: “Drag the night table under the window quick!” I had no problem discerning who the speaker was.

*Question*Have you considered putting in a more complete description of the monster?*Question*

I found myself wondering what your monster looked like with "hoarse, garbled and terrifying bellows" and a "voice that sounded like rocks grinding glass, it screamed" as well as "Sharp claws". Was this some kind of bear type monster, abominable snow creature, or ? *Worry*

*Question*What kind of harm happened to Heather?*Question*

If Heather's pretty things were being smashed around daily, and this creature grabbed her with its claws, were there marks of any kind left on her? Would her mother have believed her then? Also, why did the monster begin coming to her house? If it was always there, would it have begun its tormenting Heather as a child?

I think with just some small clarifications this will become a very good horror read for young adults! Other than what I mentioned above, I found your descriptions wonderful: The shelves of her dolls and plastic horses, their faces criss crossed by seams of glue, told the story of what came next. I had a vivid picture in my mind with that wonderfully descriptive sentence. *Shock*

I also found no glaring typos or spelling errors, and your punctuation is wonderful. Thank you for this delightfully frightful read!....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I liked this. Your honesty of feeling, your dedication to your ideals, and your flair for describing said ideals are superb.

As you intimate in your essay, your opinion is uniquely yours and to try and conform to someone else's views on an established rating scale is very difficult.

You show contempt for those "1 star Port Raiders" and I can't help but agree with you-I really wish it were impossible to give a rating without a subsequent review, it's impossible to give a review without a rating so why not make that door swing both ways?

I also believe that those who do give those 1 star rates are more than likely non-members who just like messing with people or are likely just mischief makers. Either way, thank you for convincing your friend that W.com is NOT about making others feel bad about their wish to write. I hope he/she has continued to express themself here and has had a better reception than the Port Raider.

As for my R&R here, I reserve 5 stars for items that I believe are well written, which yours is; items which convey feeling, passion, or an outstanding story, which yours also does and I found no grammatical or spelling errors, nor glaring typos.

I have never actually thought about what "grade" I give to my R&R's-though I probably should. Nor do I base R&R's on other people's opinions-I am not influenced by either a high or low rating, in fact I try not to see what the rating is until after my own R&R is complete.

Thank you for a well written point of view on your R&R practices. I would be honored to have you review anything in my port as you have described here. Write On!....catty

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Review by catty
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can't believe I haven't R&R'd this forum yet as often as I utilize it! Thank you so much for such a wonderful place to showcase our writing. Very sincerely, catty
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Review by catty
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was a very entertaining read. I like the concept behind the writing, as well as the emotions, yes you gushed emotions, and how you wrote about your feelings-YOU DID SO!

I liked your no-nonsense approach to a touchy subject-relationships. I can identify with your frustrated attempts at hiding how you really feel AFTERWARDS when a question may arise about what you may be thinking of.

I applaud your decision to be honest, warts and all! Your next relationship will be all the better for it, haha! Sorry, I am female, so I just had to let that bit of Better-than-thou attitude escape or my head would have rolled right off of my shoulders!

I could find no grammatical errors, spelling errors, or punctuation errors, but because of the Action hero comment I've got to give you a 4 1/2 stars, on principal!

Very nice writing....catty

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Review of "Food City"  
Review by catty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wonderful story! You held my interest through to the end. Light-hearted and witty, this was a nice read.

Only a few things I found which you might consider:

At Food City we done something You might consider do instead of done

Freddy finally gave in but said I still needed to wear a name tag. Freddy was a stickler about name tags. The use of Freddy twice here slows the reader down, you might consider this instead: Freddy finally gave in but said I still needed to wear a name tag. He was a stickler about name tags.

Also, on about the sixth paragraph, you change from past tense to present tense, then back and forth on tenses through the rest of the story.

I would love to read this again if you revise it. Please drop me a line and I'll happily do so. Write on!....catty
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Review by catty
Rated: E | (2.0)
Interesting poll, I chose the dreaded lima bean, but my first instinct was to choose the can. Oh, well, so much for my God complex!
Nice to see I'm still in the middle, everyday classification though.
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