This is a great idea, one I hadn't thought of but think would be a great idea. I might consider doing a Guestbook of my own. Mayeb you could give me an idea of how you go about doing it.
This is a great way of guetting some feedback and also meeting new friends and getting some great discussions going about each others works.
Great idea!
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Much better, the flow tells us of your captivation, almost obsessivenes, I really felt this time round that you were truly captivated.
The poem now reflects so much int he flow the fast upbeat pace guided onwards by the rhythm throughout, the rhyming scheme just enancing and giving off that feel of urgency you must feel as you stare into those eyes.
Great stuff keep up the good work!
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A really enjoyable read!, and not a truer word said, I truly beleive my best friend is my fiance, there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other and nothing we won't share with each other. I'm glad you feel the same about your wife and children.
The content of the poem is beautiful, a little matter of fact at times but men tend to naturally more matter of fact than us fanciful women. You have a simplistic way of telling your tale and getting your point accross and I admire that in a poet.
My personal oppinion would be to chop down those lines and set them into verses, for me those lines were far too long, alhtough your punctuartion is natural and adds the correct pauses, I felt that restructuring the poem would not only be easier for us readers to digest but would be easier on the eye, it looks daunting at first glance, and I almost turned away.
I am however very glad I did not turn away, your poem has a pleasing rhythm which softly runs from line to line. The rhyming couplets are precise and I wonder if this is a reflection of the poet himself?
On the whole a very well portreyed poem, but those lines still feel a little long for me to chew on.
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You brought tears to my eyes reading that stirred a lot of painful memories and gives me the impulsion to grab you and hug you tight.
It reminds me of my own poem
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You have conjoured up the wonder and excitement of the baby growing inside you, the sheer joy and love that you feel knowing that a tiny life grows, and the seer agony that rips through your whole body numbing you, killing a part of you when the worst possible thing happens and the babe is born lifeless.
I congratulate you, I hug you, and I praise your bravery for being able to share with us your agony and pain and your love.
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Now that made me laugh.
I know exactly what you mean, I've read some pretty diabolical stuff by poets that have been recommended and although thwey have at some point in their lifes produced some awe inspiring poems the junk they churn out because they know they can get paid for the name is frightful.
Your poem itself brings home that message that beware all ye poets who have done the same, a sort of shame on you poem, a warning to those of us who would consider publishing for money sake.
Certainly made me laugh and warns me off doing the same.
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You have some great imagery here.
I really enjoyed this poem, the flow trickled nicely conveying the rush of time through the rhyme.
It is sad that we make mistakes in our past but the trick is not to look back at them in sorrow but to learn from them.
I think one could easily miss the true meaning behind the poemas the imagery you use so unusal so unlikely. But I found it gripping and exciting, the picture I was painted came to life in full technicolour, and I felt both pity that rushed along that path not heading the warning signs, and joy that you at last can love truly within your maturity.
Nicely constructed, and presented.
Great job!
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A very sad day that was and I have found so many poems that commemorate that fateful day that the meomory of it will never fade.
You have written a fresh poem here, we see poems everydy of the effects, the disaster the sadness. But this is the first time I've read a poem that is actually about how ther poet or story teller feels himself/herself, the affect it has actually had on them. Maybe this is because they do not wish to diclose that very secrative part of themselves and won't admit to their feelings. Or simply that the disaster had no real term affect on them.
Although you have said throughout the firs thalf of the poem that you felt nothing more or less, your life was not hindrered by the disaster, it suddenly dawns on you that yu have hidden those emotions away.
A great way of showing the world that you really were affected.
Nicely written!
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A very beautiful poem, one that touched me very much, it reminds me in a kinda way of a poem I wrote called song for my babe.
The smooth running of the poem leads itself wonderully to the end, and I found myself reading it over again a few times so that I could remember it and cherish it.
A few points to note -
You have no capitalisation for 'i' as in myself where it should be I throughout the poem.
there is in fact no punctuation throughout the whole of the poem which makes for difficult reading at times, I had to put the pauses in myself a few times and if these pauses are'nt where you want them then your control of the piece loses itself, so I would check to see where needs punctuating.
I really did get the feeling both sorrow and love throughout your poem, and as I like poetry to move me I felt this held a great facination.
Good job.
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AS someone who has been through at least some of what you have been though I understand where you are coming from and if you need a friend please call on me.
You are very brave, not many people can talk about or write about their inner most feelings and pains or worries, but you have been honest and been able to face up to things that have been tough in your life and I think everyone will agree it is very hard in doing so. In that respect I admire and congratualate you.
Your piece shows you as an emotional person, caring and kind. You have shown your honesty and compassion and your bravery through your words.
I'm glad you are able to use writing as a sort of catharsis process.
Again need anything give me a shout!
I did'nt really feel you were sad, depressed and alone in this poem, it just sounded like a bit of a (as you said) "moan". The ideas behind the poem are a tough one to conjure in a poem but I felt you did'nt quite get the right mood for what you were trying to acheive.
Some grammer/spelling mistakes I have found -
there are a few places where you have not left a space between two words for example -
"rain stops,now its sighing" between the commar after stops and the word now.
also in your second line of the first verse I would add a commar after "from the sky".
If you just change the description to say something like 'a poem about me having a whine and a moan when I felt a little down' then I think that will sort the mood of the poem.
I hope that has helped in some way?
Cez
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My compliments go out to you, this is very nicely written.
From the title I was half expecting some jolly boys outing but I was very pleasantly suprised.
You have controlled the narrative beautifully, the slow lazy words flow as easy on the page as the river in your story, each moment that passes you have captured as impressively as if you had taken a snapshop.
Im being very picky now and you may criticise me if you wish, but I would have liked to hear more of the buildup, more of your feelings instead of a point to point account of what happened.
Great Job!
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She must have made quite an impression on you this girl and I truly hope you found out who she was.
This is a poem from the heart which makes the emotion come alive on the page, which is why this girl is wholly beleiveable as a character.
Can I make one suggestion? In the 9th line, you have inserted w/ for with, when I feel you could have used the full word here.
I just love the image you have createdhere in these two lines -
"Silver-blue sky shines through her eyes
Soft white moonlight lined by sunset"
I can almost see that silver-blue sky, beautiful!
You have some really nice touches throughout, a nicely written poem, and again I hope you found out who she was in the end it be interesting to know.
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You started off this poem really effectively, your line -
"What fate befalls us fools
who tumble in those pools"
- gives off a wonderful image, and brings life and wonder to your poem.
I did feel however that the natural rhythm of the poem that you first created through your rhyming couplets got lost along the way. If you had carried the couplpets through untill the end this would have lifted the poem. I feel there isn't enough emotion behind the poem, it's a little flat.
Maybe you could carry on the rhyming couplets to bring back that beautiful rhythm you created initially?
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How sad that someone could treat the gift of love someone gives is mistreated and abused in such a way, I hope he did find love in the end.
A very touching story, makes me think of a time back a few years ago now when someone loved me but I couldnt return it.
Very well written, full of compassion and kindness, although I suspect not a deep and true love. Forgive me if I am wrong on that one.
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Seems our lives are getting busier and busier and shift patterns mean that we seem to more time workingand less time spending quality time with the people we love.
A great topic, and one I can certainly empathise with seeing as my fiance works diferent shift patterns to me (although we do get to see each other from around 9.30pm every evening until we go to bed).
You have captured your feelings superbly in your rhyme and I can almost feel your angst at being seperated by work patterns from your loved one.
One line did concern me a little as I don't think it is quite the image you wanted to portray (although I could obviously be wrong), it seems as though the word you used is there purely because it fits the rhyme, the line is -
"Your image plagues my mind."
this to me doesn't conjure up the feeling that you are dreaming very happy thoughts when you think of your loved one, although you could mean here that your thoughts are plaqued by the fact you don't see each other whilst awake anymore, but to me it doesn't read that way.
I think if you changed that one line to reflect how you feel this would be a perfect piece of writing, congratulations on a poem well composed.
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The last line of this poem is probably the best I've read in a while, there is a lot of passion and feeling in this poem, and the feeling is very personal and emotional.
You have captured well the want and desire to keep our innermost feelings hidden from the world, and a feeling and desire I can very much relate to.
Job well done
This is very personal and a real heart opener.
This poem wasnt thought about or dreamt up, it was written straight from your soul and it shows.
A very strong powerful poem, especially the crescendo at the end, and I really admire your ability to show the world your true inner self. Most people hide that part of them away I do it myself sometimes if not most of the time.
I hope something in your life will change how you feel and trigger a real 'want' to live!!
This is a base for quite a story, I would love to read the final piece sometime.
In i'ts description you have said it is the back story of a novel, I would love to see this idea here become a novel itself. There is such a great deal of potential here, and you have a real skill for the fantasy story.
Can I draw your attention to a slight gramatical error?
"Tark's mother,Marya" - there should be a space between mather, and Marya.
You have some lovely imagery here and it would truly make a great read if you developed this. I was so disapointed that I did not get to find out what happens to Tark!
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