Hehe this is great, you could play this over and over for a great ego trip, very nice especially when your feeling a little low or demoralised.
This is a great new addition to writing.com and I'm sure it will be as great a success as the many other features this site has.
Keep creating, this site just gets better and better!
Cez
xx
This is a great tale of determination and realisation.
Style
Again you seem to have that natural ability to befriend your reader, call them in and sit them down for a tale.
I was disapointed that you decided to give up your sport, I felt almost let down as I secretly felt myself cheering you onwards as I read on.
Spelling and grammar
Again I founf no grammatical or spelling errors in your work
Overall
Another great piece, it is great capturing a little lice of your life in words. Great job
Style
The casual tone of the voice makes the reader feel like you are talking to them and them alone. This gives a facinating insight and I am sure everyone that reads this will take something worth while away.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors here
I love the narrative of this poem. Some really great touches here.
Style
The tell a story style of this poem grabs the attention and holds it captive until the end. Cleverly written and some nice detail here.
I just love the line
"Her scintillating aria mesmerized me," - you can here the words here tantalising sounds and a great image projected throughout.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed only one insy little typo
"agian," - again
Overall
Beautifully written. I love the noise this poem makes reflecting the Siren's song.
Wonderful.
Beautifully written poem about the ful realisation that you are never alone.
Style
The simple sing song rhyming verses here carry the tone of the piece, I can feel the surge of emotion felt at the chiming of the bell. Beautiful.
Spelling and grammar
I found no errors here
Overall
This is just beautiful, I love the way the rhyme schemes echoes the message in the poem.
You have here what could certainly be the beginning of a great story.
Style
I would have liked to have had more of the character here, more descriptive details of how they are individually as well as how they interacted. You seem to jump around a lot here, where much more could have been, this adds a little confusion in parts.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed a few minor spelling errors here which I have noted for you to have another look at.
"you part" - your
"Duba" - did you mean Dubai?
"teenagez" - here did you mean teenager or teenagers/ teenaged/teenage?
"ttok his hand" - took
Overall
Developed and groomed this could be a great story. I would be more than willing to come back and have another look at a later date if you so allowed.
I really enjoyed this one. You have a great gift for storytelling
Style
The simple rhyme here carries the poem onwards naturally and effectively, again I have that feeling of taking a look at a snapshot of the past, of a different culture, so facinating. Really enjoyed that.
Spelling and grammar
I Found no grammatical or spelling errors.
Overall
I love the way the story unfolds here, the mood the poem creates, like looking at a film, I could see him there with his burnign sage. Very visual poem.
This is such a touching piece, I really got into the story here.
Style
You have developed your character's really well here. I love the way Kate develops as a person, very natural. Very touching piece.
Spelling and grammar
I have noted a few spelling errors for you to check up on.
"Thomas understand" - check your tenses, understood, as this piece seems to be written in the past tense.
You seem to wonder between past and present a fair bit here. It would be a good excercise to just re-check through just to get it in tip top condition.
"The phone range as I was grabbing my keys to keep my lunch date with Thomas." - I suggest a separation of some kind just before this sentence and just after theone preceeding it to distinguish between the two
time frames even if it is a couple of ..... just to ensure that the reader understands that you are talking about two different times here, as you leave tha actual wedding day and enter a new day and a new occurance (the telephone call with Andy the next day)
"that I could have " - than
"I’m wasn't going to let him down" - I wasn't
Overall
Great piece, just needs a little tidying and would have really liked to have read more about Kate's new life in California.
I havent yet finished all the chapters in this story but so far it is engrossing.
Style
I love interactives This one is particularly juicy, I have really gotten into the story so far.
I love the unpredictability of it, great fun.
Spelling and grammar
I won't comment on every chapter but here is just a few tiny typos that I have picked up on.
Chapter 1
""Man, what too you guys so long?"" - took
Chapter 2
"Leiah wail." - Here wails is more appropriate as the rest of the story is set in present day and as if the events are actually happening at this very moment.
"so should be leave or go?" " we instead of be here.
Chapter 5
"of you talking about the what exactly happened" the no needed here.
There are more exapmples of these little bloops throughout.
Overall
As I haven't finished all the story as yet and there is always options for me to choose other options then I'm off back in for another delve around.
Nice work
Style
I love the image you give us here, emerging from the chrysalis and a beautiful butterfly soaring free, just as we are truly beautiful when we discover our own selves. Beautifully done.
Spelling and grammar
I found no errors here
Overall
This is such a hopefull poem, I feel inspired. Great job
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Style
the presentation of thispoem really reminds me of flickering flames. The inconsistent line lengths reflecting the imagery. Great, this is a real nice touch
Spellign and grammar
I found no grammatical or spelling errors here.
Overall
Nicely presented, and great content.
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Style
The bond that yoou have between you and your children really glows throughout this piece, it is beautiful how a mother like yourself notices every little detail as your children grow, makes me want children even more (I want 6)
Spelling and grammar
I found just the one slight misspell here which I have illustrated:
"When I got perg" - preg.
Overall
I can really feel the bond here, wonderful piece.
This is great, I suffer from migraines too, and you have described down to a t the feelings and pain.
Style
The rhyme scheme here really helps illuminate the pain and show the devil for what he really is. Migraine is horrid, the only other pain worse is earache. You really got me to remember the pain I feel during my migraine attacks.
Spellign and grammar
I noticed no errors here
Overall
I really sympathise, I know just what it is like to suffer from migraine and it is very painful indeed.
Style
I love the hip hop beat that jigs along through this poem, it has a real beat just like todays society has a heart beat. It screams let me be heared.
Spelling and grammar
Just one or two things I noted:
"Worn of colours, away" = off
"Is in the in the minority." - repeated in the.
Overall
You have an important message and a great platform in which to shout it. And this poem is shouting, Great stuff
Style
This scene feels so natural, your onversational skills here are great!
Spelling and grammar
"I wortethis story for a class assignment, i never got a grade so i want to know what u think. please rate but udont have to. =)" - wrote - Capital I as in myself - you don't -
Overall
Nicely written, wholly beleivable and that is often the trickiest part, getting your audience to beleive your story.
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Style
In such a short space you say so much, you develop your character and make him appear before your reader,this is writing in technicolour
Spelling and grammar
I found no grammatical or spelling errors here Nice work.
Overall
I have one gripe. There was nowhere near enough, I would love to read much more of this story as I am sure there is or should, must be more. Gripped me till the end and still left me wanting.
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Strange choice of words here when talking of love, but it works
Style
This is such an odd mixture of words that I have to like it, I had to read it through twice to get a real good intake of it. Normally "vomit" doesnt spring to mind when I think about love, but here it is turned on its head and becomes very effective.
Spelling and grammar
I fouind no grammatical or spelling errors
Overall
This works really well
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