How sad that a town should be lost, how sad.
You know in a funny kind of way it reminds of some of the towns here in the South Wales Valleys, out of town department stores have crept along and supermarkets with aisles stretching far and wide with all sorts of groceries. And so over the years the small villages and towns have dwindled. Businesses fold and shops boarded. New owners come along but they soon go out of business.
But here, a total collapse of a whole community. Although this is fictional it could quite easily be not in another town in another place.
Wow!!
And you say you don't usually write lyrics. May I suggest you do write more!!!
This is powerful, full of emotion and the rhythm just built to that fantastic crescendo at the end there.
The chorus like an echo throughout giving the song a jolt to pierce right through the readers heart. THis is just magical. Please write more!
I feel the remourse through this poem. The very tone and mood of the poem, the slow rhythm oozes the regret as depicted by the title.
I love the graveyard setting this gives even more poigniancy to the piece.
I hope that at the end of my days I won't look back with too many regrets!!
Great piece and the atmosphere chilled me.
As a manic depressive I found this article very useful, it helped me understand that depression can be heredetory, which is something I did not know and have never been told by the doctor even though my mother is a sufferer too.
Articles like these help sufferers realise that we are not alone and that there are millions of us suffering with this disease everyday. Lifted my spirit somewhat knowing I am not alone with this!
A lesson for all here I think!
As humans we are highly emotionally charged but we should never let our negative emotions get the best of us, far too many of us do!
The dialogue between mother and daughter does'nt feel natural to me, it feels almost straight upper lipped and not with that natural ease that one would expect from a mother and daughter (maybe this is due to cultural differences between author and reader of course, but I am used to a much softer dialogue between my own mother and I).
I noted one spellign error here (not actually part of the story itself but the introduction to it) which I have noted for you here:
"presentation is.Read on the story" - need a space between is and Read.
THis is surely a lesson we should all learn!
How I hate infedelity.
Isn't it marvelous how women go on with their lives (me included) when things go wrong we still have to carry on, this example of Roberta carrying on with the weekly shop when all the while her heart is breaking is the perfect example of that!
You can bet your bottom dollar that she already knew that the affair was going on, this message is just the re-affirmation, the dreaded confirmation she did not want.
Great piece of writing, you have captured here the essence of how we interlink, how our minds work, how we go into survival mode and how when all is laid bare and nothing can deny the blatant truth we can come crashing down in summersault of emotion and an onslaught of tears.
Great observaztion of human nature.
One spelling mistake I found in the piece I thought I would point out to you:
" intended for eyes " - her eyes
Can't wait for more!
Pitiful poem, I really felt for you. I hope this is something that you now feel stronger for in purging onto paper your emotions.
POems like this always make me want to run up to the author, throw my arms around them and hug them until all is right. I know that is an impossibility but the want is genuinely there!
I noticed one minor spelling error here which I have noted for you:
"As I lied there," - lay
Great emotional piece. Keep up with the great writing.
The thinest line of all is the line between love and hate. You capture this well here.
Have a little look at your punctuation in particular here. In some places it is hard to see where one line stops and another starts this makes for difficult reading and in fact I had to re-read a few times to ensure I had read each line as it is supposed to be read.
Great imagery used here.
"filthy tarnished grim visuals are under suggest" - wonderful!
It is wonderful to see so much love and what better way to celbrate than through that age old way the poets way!
Have another look at your rhyme scheme here, in parts the rhyme is very strong (in fact it feels a little over done, too forced) and in others it is very weak (some not rhyming at all). I beleive rhyme schemes should feel natural and therefore run smoothly as if the words and verses blend harmonously into each other through the rhyme. (I must admit that I have been known to create forced rhyme and often don't see it until someone points it out and suggests something more natural, I on the other hand prefer not to offer any replacement as I feel this interferes with the author's originality, I would much rather see a poets own words than something I have provided for them).
Have a look too at your punctuation in parts for example:
"To lose you would be like dieing,my angels flown away" - you need a space between dieing, (dying) and my angels (angel's).
Those things aside, I would like to encourage you to write on and to always celebrate your love for each other (especially in the poetic art). Love is such a special thing and when that is eternalised in words it is very special indeed!
An oddly comforting piece of writing.
I have often sat pondering alone at the break of day when daylight is the first twinkling rays beyond the hills, pondering what life holds and how new eveything feels and smells. It is at that moment that I can truly feel at peace.
But in all honesty I have never thought it as a new life, beginning as a newborn newly birthed and ending in the dying chambers of my bed when I retire at nightfall. But when I look at it here, it seems the obvious!
Life is about living, so why not think of it as living a new life everyday, each one having a new beginning and a new ending. Could we find more peace this way. All the wrongs of yesterday forgotten today and the lesson learned, knowing that the mistake will not be re-done because today is a brand new life a brand new beginning.
Interesting concept and worth looking into!
I noticed just one spelling mistake here that I thought I would point out to you:
" live 365 live a year" - lives
Great piece, really made me think, and indeed I feel quite positive and refreshed from it!
An oddly comforting piece of writing.
I have often sat pondering alone at the break of day when daylight is the first twinkling rays beyond the hills, pondering what life holds and how new eveything feels and smells. It is at that moment that I can truly feel at peace.
But in all honesty I have never thought it as a new life, beginning as a newborn newly birthed and ending in the dying chambers of my bed when I retire at nightfall. But when I look at it here, it seems the obvious!
Life is about living, so why not think of it as living a new life everyday, each one having a new beginning and a new ending. Could we find more peace this way. All the wrongs of yesterday forgotten today and the lesson learned, knowing that the mistake will not be re-done because today is a brand new life a brand new beginning.
Interesting concept and worth looking into!
I noticed just one spellign mistake here that I thought I would point out to you:
" live 365 live a year" - lives
Great piece, really made me think, and indeed I feel quite positive and refreshed from it!
I too hate the sun. Being fair skinned I burn far too easy to the point in fact that even factor 30plus sun protection does nothing and I blister badly. I can therefore fully empathise with you on this one!
Have another look at your punctuation, it seems patchy in places and therefore doesn't wuite run as smoothly as it should.
Other than that a lovely write, and again I fully relate to this one!
Would you beleive it? I did too!
I met my new husband through a friend (who was trying to get me to go out with him but ended up falling for his tall dark and very handsome friend) on MSN messenger.
I love true romance stories and this one is a romance indeed. For all those people who say love on the net don't work, it does and this (and I) are the proof of the pudding.
Great job, I love the joggy rhyme here and the repetition throughout only adds to the sheer joy and love I feel coming through here.
This has an old pirates ring to it, I wanted to tap my toe along and swig on a bottle of rum.
Has a "Rhyme of the ancient mariner" feel to it, the olde style of sailors.
Great beat, it has been a while since I read something that felt so much of an escapism so this was welcomed with open arms. In fact it has given me a little smile.
Great job and some very creative writing!
As someone who lives with depression every day this was quite a jault to me and an awakening, in fact it made me cry a little.
I think it takes a piece like this for people (like myself) who suffer this terrible illness to realise that it is not only us that suffer but our families too. It is even more hard hitting when a part of that depression is that you keep things from your partner/spouse in the false beleif that we are protecting them because we do not want anyone else to feel the pain that we feel through our depression.
This has been a reality check for me and I feel like I want to rush out and grab my husband and hug him and never let him go, to plant a thousand kisses of thank you's for sticking by my side and never whinging once about how my depression obviously affects him too.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece, it has made me realise how much I have to appreciate and thankful I am to have my husband at my side.
I just dragged my sister all the way to my house to read this poem, I hope you don't mind. This just about sums her up in every single detail. She cried reading it.
TGHis is perhaps the best description of Unrequited love I have ever read. Excellent job.
One minor spelling question:
"With the tears coming in desperate steams," - here did you mean streams?
Aw I really felt for you there. A sad little tale, wonderfully expressed.
I really liked the childlike boldness of the piece. The laid bare effect really captures what you are trying to show us here.
I would like to pin point my favourite line here:
"I stood there for hours, staring into the street,
hoping that fate would change her mind"
This for me is the epitomy of the poem, the waiting, the sadness, it protrudes like a hot poker through these very lines.
Nicely done!!
I really enjoyed this neat little poem, the rhythm bounced along playfully whilst giving enough to be thinking about at the same time.
A thoughtful personal expression on what you think life and art is all about.
You have some great lines here some that struck me and will linger in my memory:
"Life begins in conception"
However there is one line that I felt could have been much stronger, it feels as if it is merely there to coinside with the rhyming pattern:
"art lives as a child is born."
yes born and form do rhyme but I am wondering if this is the best line that would fit here, I beleive rhyme should feel natural and not forced as this feels here.
I am not sure how I myself would re-word the sentence but I am sure that with a little play around this line could be much stronger and give an overall more natural rhythm. I won't give an example as I feel this puts words into anothers mouth so to speak, the work is original to yourself and therefore should be kept that way, this is how I remain on all pieces I review (or at least try).
Overall I really enjoyed this poem and can't wait to read more of your work! Write on xx
It is always good to know the criteria other author's use on w.com when reviewing.
This is nicely set out, it is clear to the reader how you score/rate literary items and what criteria you use to do so. There can be no misunderstandings here. Clear concise and to the point.
I would like to say that I use a very similar method to yours in reviewing, but have indeed given five stars on w.com, there are several authors onthis wonderful site that really do shine and I am almost certain you will find them too!
I don't really know what I was expecting from this piece, whatever it was it was'nt what I got. I think I imagined a detailed description of the phases of the sun and not the effects it has on the seasons themselves, more like the phases of the moon and how at certain times it is a crescent and at others it is a full circle.
What I found is something more on the lines of how the sun and seasons interact and co-incide, which is not a bad thing at all. In fact I would have much preferred much more of the piece.
I especially liked the Autumnal section and that comforting thought of beauty and age and death being almost beautiful, in fact very beautiful.
Again I would have liked much much more to be made of the piece, I am sure that this would have been made a very interesting essay.
I did notice one minor spelling error:
"shares it warm," - its
Nothing would thrill me more than to see this fully developed!
It is often the shortest that says the most.
This is a wonderful piece, it says everything that needs to be said in very little space.
My favourite line has to be
"Eyes that shine like polished glass" - I recently visited Paigton zoo when I was on my honeymoon and saw a tiger there and this just about sums it up in this very line.
Great stuff.
Powerful and chilling poem.
Having never experienced a broken home myself but have gone through the emotions with a very close friend (not the same I know) I know and understand how hard a marriage breakup can be for a child. Agonising and this is surely felt here!
I do have one thought though, is there a reason for the patchy rhyming here? or is the rhyme intended to be broken as a reflection of the content?
A sad peice, my heart goes out to you.
Again a cleverly written poem. It had in fact a sombre feel to this piece I felt. It left me feeling rather numb and slightly insiginifact at the image of being "banished when first we leave our fathers’ loins" and "expelled from our mothers’ wombs we dwell alone". Rather an uncomforting thought when you actually think of it in that way.
Thought provoking, almost disturbing piece. Keep making me think!
Eeek that was thought provoking.
You have some magnificent lines here, some of them will linger for a long time.
"littered with the roadkill of my emotions"
Wow!
"blinking and spinning the space-time cloth"
Again wow. The imagery here is just mind blowing.
I do have a little confession however, this is a facinating and clever piece of work but I wont for a moment betray myself and say I understand any of it. I think it may be in fact far too intelligent for my feeble mind.
Made me think though!
Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully.
You did a great job of conveying the love and majesty of life and Our Lord. Well done.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cerianwen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 2:49am on May 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully. 