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51
51
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Adriana Noir ,

I read your article this morning, after seeing it listed on the public page.

First impression: your points are personalized, so there's no argument to be made here. *Smile* That's always good to see in an opinion-based piece of writing. *Star*

I don't share your feelings about a three star rating. I do, however, share your frustration with reviewers who fail to offer explanations for their choice of rating. In a perfect world, comments match stars given. In the real world, anything is possible.

Areas for improvement:

It’s happened to the best and the worst of us.
It's refers to It is, and is incorrectly placed here.

how nothing needed fixed

I’m not talking about a 4.5 or a 4. A measly 3 something or less glares back at us.~numbers this low need to be spelled out fully: three, four-point-five, four. Generally, any number under 125, I write out.

did the cause of our blood, sweat, and tears
~this word needs to be examined more closely, to see if it's the best fit, imho.

I agonize about the reasons why my work is considered only average or less if I am not given any. These are so far apart in the sentence, with so many words between, it blurs the meaning. Moving them closer will improve readability.
Example (not rewriting, only moving bits around *Wink* ):
Given no reasons, I agonize about why my work is considered only average or less.


Where it shines: some of your descriptions were entertaining, like this one:
Questions build, nagging like a spiteful mother-in-law.
I also liked the 'having a bad' day line. *Laugh* Just once I'd like to see a reviewer admit that.

Overall Impression: I came away from the reading experience feeling I'd read a bit of melodrama. Do we really bleed and sweat while writing? The tears I'll agree with. *Wink* But the agony expressed over getting a low or mediocre rating was, in my opinion, just a little overdone. I did find the writing in need of improvement.

It is the comments, encouragement, and praise we receive that is the real gold.
Those are worthwhile offers from reviewers, yes. I hope reader feedback and writing tips factor into what you consider gold, as well. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your opinions on this matter. I enjoyed reading and reviewing some of your work today, Adriana Noir . And please, remember that you are always the final authority on your own work, so if you disagree with any part of my review, feel free to ignore it.

Don't let anyone, or anything break your stride!

MetaphorSquared
52
52
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fictiøn Ðiva the Wørd Weava

This is no flimsy, rapidly put-together crossword puzzle: you've put your time and energy into this one. It's well researched, covers a broad spectrum of authors and time periods, and can be both entertaining and educational.

*Star*Superb!*Star*

MetaphorSquared
53
53
Review of Amends  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Kornholio480 , thanks for entering "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor . I wanted to express my gratitude for helping to make this contest a success. Thanks so much for that. *Bigsmile* In advance, please excuse me if I make any errors while doing this review; I still haven't got that "perfection" thing down pat. *Wink* But I'll give you my best today.

Your entry,
Amends  (E)
Sonny must help his uncle unravel the mysteries of his own death.
#1373715 by Kornholio480

was a qualifying entry, and got an overall rating of:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
--for the following reasons:

Parts of a short story:
Setting/Time: city, NYC
Mood: unexpectedly light, humor-filled
Tone: the author seemed to enjoy this story,imho, and it comes through line after line. *Bigsmile*
Pace: exceptional, showing the author has an internal clock which ticks at the pace of the average reader's. Outstanding!
Dialogue: outstanding and witty, conveys much about these two main characters.
Characters: lovely! Two more interesting characters, I haven't seen together in ages. They're fully fleshed out through dialogue (an interesting way to share information with your reader, and a rather smart choice, imho), and through action. Conversely, the protagonists were dual as well, in the open enemy, and in the invasion of privacy caused by the uncle. This balance wasn't lost on me. *Bigsmile* Outstanding!

Plot: a simultaneous, dual plot running together through each of the two protagonists, or if you choose to see the uncle as a sort of minor antagonist, through him and the main character. I enjoyed the somewhat subtle use of foreshadowing, felt it pointed the way of the plot direction without entirely giving away the end. Nicely done on that. All the elements of a well-developed plot are to be found here. *Bigsmile*

POV: third person, limited
*I thought you made the very most of this narrative.

Technical Aspects of the writing: Technically very sound writing, apart from some few leanings on "had", and a few misspelled words.
Tense: past tense, well maintained throughout in such a fluid manner, I hardly noticed what tense it was written in.

Elements of style/Classic Figures of Speech:
*while these might be present, the story's use of dialogue tended to keep my focus not on the writing as much as on the main characters.

Theme: Prominent theme, well-developed without being bludgeoned over the head/heart with it. Nicely done on that! *Bigsmile*

What did I, as your reader, learn, experience, and/or gain from this read? Well, I just enjoyed the heck out of this reading experience. It was funny, odd, and a feel-good end.

Three "Biggies":
-->Engaging characters?--absolutely!
-->Was I able to suspend disbelief during the read?--100%! *Bigsmile*
-->Did the language cause me to see the writer rather than the story only?--only seldom, in its leanings on "had" from time to time. Oh, and in the cap'd letters in two sentences. Considering the overall entertaining and engaging quality of this story, these were only minor glitches.



An Overview:

What stands out as its strengths: most everything in this story stands out, from character development through dialogue, its humor, to the (mainly) clean quality of its writing. It's a memorable story, the characters of which have etched a little place of their own on my mind and heart.

What impressed me most: The interplay between your two main characters, who I can see either as dual protagonists working toward the same goal, or as protagonist/antagonist working against the same shared enemy. Very interesting characters, whose banter held and kept me reading.

Recommended area(s) for possible improvement: spelling (minimal errors), instances of "had" that undo the careful work you've put into its writing. And uncap those caps in those two sentences: an exclamation point will suffice, imho.

Recommended action: run a spell check on it to catch those strays, like dieing, dying. And edit out those "had"s for a polished draft. This is one you really need to submit for publication after it gets edited.



In closing, Kornholio480 if anything I've offered in this feedback is disagreeable to you, by all means, disregard it. After all, it's just one person's opinion, and you are the final authority on your own creative expression. Allow me to thank you for providing me with new reading material at no cost to me. It was a welcome pleasure today reading some of your work. *Bigsmile*

Don't let anything or anyone break your stride!

MetaphorSquared
54
54
Review of Stiletto  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
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Hi ragefire2000, thanks for entering "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor . I wanted to express my gratitude for helping to make this contest a success. Thanks so much for that. *Bigsmile* In advance, please excuse me if I make any errors while doing this review; I still haven't got that "perfection" thing down pat. *Wink* But I'll give you my best today.

Your entry,
 Stiletto  (ASR)
Can she make it to safety in time?
#1381316 by Jeff

was a qualifying entry, and got an overall rating of:
*Star**Star**Star*
--for the following reasons:

Parts of a short story:
Setting/Time: jungle ? *limiting this to a single location was a smart choice.
Mood: shifted between urgency and a casual diversionary mood
Tone: serious, and interested
Pace: fluctuated between fast and moderate **this, I felt, was a distraction. I'd get into the action, then be side-tracked by her overly casual (given her circumstances) thoughts.
Dialogue: natural
Characters: These were all Stock (artifact hunter) characters of the action/adventure genre.
You might have intentionally used the stereotypical as a means of making the reader focus on the story's plot, anything's possible. Stock characters aren't there for a reader to relate to, but to further plot-driven tales, imho.

Plot: plot was developed, its climax was well done, but it came up short delivering a satisfactory conclusion (resolution),this being a cliff-hanger. **The pauses in action, where she thought about Malachi, only served to deflate the tension you'd built up. You might want to restructure that information, put it where it won't take away from the good work you did.

POV: third person, limited--a good choice, and you used it well here.
Technical Aspects of the writing: soundly written for the most part, but the many instances of mentioning her name did provide a measure of distraction.
Tense: past tense, maintained.
Elements of style/Classic Figures of Speech:---
Theme: no noticeable theme

What did I, as your reader, learn, experience, and/or gain from this read?--It left me wondering where the ending disappeared to? I'd love to see this one come to a satisfying conclusion. I really liked the action in this story.

Three "Biggies":
-->Engaging characters?--no. Stock characters--it's hard to have a stock character make much of an impression.
-->Was I able to suspend disbelief during the read?--not really. Nothing of this place was specifically named, the jungle, the culture, none of the plants around her, not even the artifact she held. Without names, these became a blur of unbelievable happenings.
-->Did the language cause me to see the writer rather than the story only?--only in the many times the main character's name was mentioned, and in the absence of precise names for many nonspecifics in this story.
She knew these artifacts belonged to the world, which is why she took great pleasure in the fact that the stiletto was tucked securely in her pack.

She knew she would have to figure out a way to leave the country...

Immersing herself in the local culture and mythology is what excited her about the job just as much, if not more, than the actual treasures she found.
What was the country? Who were the people of that local culture she enjoyed so much? What was the artifact, exactly? Owned by whom, or created by what society and in what time period?

An Overview:

What stands out as its strengths: Although it's a little hit and miss, you definately are showing that you've got a good sense of reader timing, knowing just when to drop a word down a paragraph for emphasis. I'd appeal to that sense of timing to get you to examine the pace distractions of her thoughts. The writing is decent.

Recommended area(s) for possible improvement:
(previously covered)

Recommended action:research and more research to fill in the gaps, give everything proper names and make this more plausible. This could benefit from a hard edit, and a second write.


In closing, ragefire2000 if anything I've offered in this feedback is disagreeable to you, by all means, disregard it. After all, it's just one person's opinion, and you are the final authority on your own creative expression. Allow me to thank you for providing me with new reading material at no cost to me. It was a welcome pleasure today reading some of your work. *Bigsmile*

Don't let anything or anyone break your stride!

MetaphorSquared
55
55
Review of Bacon  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hi sean , thanks for entering "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor . I wanted to express my gratitude for helping to make this contest a success. Thanks so much for that. *Bigsmile* In advance, please excuse me if I make any errors while doing this review; I still haven't got that "perfection" thing down pat. *Wink* But I'll give you my best today.

Your entry,
 Bacon  (E)
Someone must stand up to the evil magical powers of Bacon. Bob is the only one who can.
#1133269 by sean

was a qualifying entry, and got an overall rating of:
*Star**Star**Halfstar*
--for the following reasons:

Parts of a short story:
Setting/Time: began at home in his room, changed rapidly multiple times
Mood/Tone: comedic and easy-going
Pace: rapid
Dialogue: natural and flowed well
Characters: Many. This detracted from its quality.
Plot: LOL! Keeping the bacon out of the wrong hands, and restoring hot dogs to their rightful place in the hierarchy. Wow. I can safely say that's a first. *Laugh* *Star*Definately a plus.
POV: Third person narrative; first person might have served this idea better, imho.
Technical Aspects of the writing: a clean write, and aside from a few "had"s, pretty good writing. An abundance of "bacon"s pulled down the quality, overall.
Tense: Past tense, maintained throughout. *Star* Good on that.
Elements of style/Classic Figures of Speech: a few nice metaphors, and made full use of the entire concept of absurdity, in all its forms. *Bigsmile*
Theme: No recognizeable theme.

What did I, as your reader, learn, experience, and/or gain from this read? I laughed at some parts, especially at the grandfather's letter.

Three "Biggies":
-->Engaging characters? --fell short of engaging me.
-->Was I able to suspend disbelief during the read?--not at all; this was way out there, funny, but unbelievable.
-->Did the language cause me to see the writer rather than the story only?--not really. You did some good writing here.



An Overview:

What stands out as its strengths: its humor and overall easy-going writing style stood out as its major strengths.

What impressed me most: *Laugh* how you could make a story of the idea. It was entirely unexpected and highly unusual.

Recommended area(s) for possible improvement: Try to lower the amount of times "bacon" is used. I felt a little clobbered over the head with the word. It went far in making me pull back from this reading experience. Characters could be fewer. Words that stamp time, like 'while', 'the next morning', 'after', can be reduced for better pace. A short story is best told close up, in a short period of time, and with few characters. The more characters added, the more ground covered, and the more places you take us, your readers, the more diffuse the focus becomes, weakening your story's power.

Recommended action: Edit to reduce repetition. The central idea's so odd, I'm not sure how to recommend altering it for improvement. I did get a laugh, but it's just one of those oddities that missed its mark in me. *See comments above.

*Special note: your writing style is appealing, and because of that appeal, I'll probably find myself looking through your portfolio.



In closing, sean if anything I've offered in this feedback is disagreeable to you, by all means, disregard it. After all, it's just one person's opinion, and you are the final authority on your own creative expression. Allow me to thank you for providing me with new reading material at no cost to me. It was a welcome pleasure today reading some of your work. *Bigsmile*

Don't let anything or anyone break your stride!

MetaphorSquared
56
56
Review of Hypocrisy  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (4.5)
A well-written poem, nicely paced and with a decided point. The "chill" of it reads through, so extra well done on conveying emotion in few verses. I like it, and think you did a very good job of writing it. *Smile*

MetaphorSquared

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
57
57
Review of How To Teach  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (5.0)
Next, avoid math and science courses; they leave zero grey area between the right and wrong answer. You'll want to stick to classes that allow for inconsistency and confusion, such as...

Oh, my gosh. If this isn't the best! I smiled through the entire read, laughed once in each paragraph. I think you've got the perfect recipe here for success. *Bigsmile* Well-written satirical How-to. I hope everyone takes time to read this short, entertaining essay.

*Thumbsup**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
58
58
Review of Write Stuff  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Bigsmile* This is the second piece of your writing I've read, and you consistently have made me laugh. I think I'll like to explore your portfolio further.

Good, good stuff here. *Bigsmile*
59
59
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (4.0)
Excellent title. It drew me in the moment I saw it.

And it's well-written, thought provoking essay you're sharing here.

You started out a bit off the mark--making a false statement without backing it (and thereby making it acceptable) by stating it was your own opinion. Even though the entire piece is under the genre of Opinion, when making statements as factual about something as loaded as other people's religion, especially when the statement isn't factual, it's best to state that it's your own belief or opinion within the same sentence. God, as presented by fundamental Christianity, is a vindictive tyrant who watches and waits for you to blunder then unleashes his wrath; punishment for your sins As it's written, there's a tremendous amount of room for argument, and in an opinion piece, while one's opinions can be disagreed with by others, they can never be challenged as untrue. You think what you think. A very simple matter. There are other places in this essay that could use some shoring up, too, in a similar way and for the same reason. You may want to go over it again, find those spots, and make them more personal.

You managed to intermingle enough possible truths to keep me reading the entire essay; always a good thing to keep the reader's attention. *Smile*

You wrote,...this is an actual law that governs the vast, expansive, intelligent, creative force that controls the universe, Divine Intelligence. It does not give consideration to man because it cannot do this anymore than an apple could fall upwards from a tree. And yet later in the essay you claimed anything to be possible, if only man believed. So, the apple could fall up, within the framework of such belief, and I guess you've kinda undone the logic you might have been seeking in the apple-not-falling/God-being-limited comparison.

Interesting opinions you hold. I'm glad I read this today. *Smile*

Best to you!
60
60
Review of Broken Dreams  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Come on now! What needs changing? I loved that! The wording isn't something I'd personally choose (under most circumstances), being a little flowery. *Bigsmile* No pun intended. If the story called for it, however, I'd use it. I think you did an excellent job on this. No matter how the story starts, you have this ability to pack a square punch of moral meaning in a way and at a time unexpected. That's quite a gift. I don't think anyone could ever teach you how to do that, Nicki. Overall, in this short story you've employed contrast and symbolism to great effect, and made the most of your audience's sensibilities. Bravo and bravo!

Now, I'm trying to see in your email here...what you hoped for by way of helpful advice. --?-- Word count lowering? To help you open up more space for storytelling, right? I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you, but what I do when word count is an issue, I highlight the following areas:
1)Longer sentences: not all long sentences are loose, but many do fall into the below category. Looking at a longer sentence and making absolutely certain it needs to be there in its present form is one good way to keep not only word count down, but also maintain vigilance to theme, plot, and purity of characterization. If I can say it more simply, show it more poignantly in fewer words, I'll do that.
2)Loose sentences: one example, Her simple eyelet sundress dances around her legs in the warm wind coming off the ocean. ...'in the ocean's warm wind' cuts out 2-3 words, depending on your word count tool (some don't ever count 'the').
3)Impact spots: these are the areas of greatest emotional &/or plot significance, the "whammy" spots. These stay, no matter what else goes. These leave a trail behind them of vital information which supports, lifts, and helps create them. Keep these "trails" as well. Once impact spots and their trails are seen, a periphery of expendable details comes into focus. (If you haven't yet guessed, I see writing in patterns, spacially, not linearly--if that makes any sense. If any of this sounds 'mad' or 'foreign', don't hesitate to ask for clarification. *Bigsmile* Grok?)
4)Critical information vs. extra detail: this is really just a rephrasing of the above described "trail" surrounding impact spots.
5)Pace: factoring pace into even a short write is important. Try not to sacrifice pace for word count. (And there are tricks for creating the sensation of a slower pace with fewer words, all of which we'll be exploring in the group's Shop Class.)
6)Identification and Maintenance of Theme/Message: what was I trying to say? Did I express this clearly? Did I back it up with all the tools in my arsenal (i.e. symbolism, vocabulary, etc)?

Nicki, I hope this answers your concerns and opens up new perspectives for you. It certainly made me take a closer look at my own process when writing. Thanks for prompting that. *Smile*

I enjoy your writing immensely, and see your talent taking you as far as you decide. No limits. *Bigsmile*

All my best, my friend.

MetaphorSquared
61
61
Review of Shannon's Gift  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi dannoden

I read your story this afternoon and enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it with readers.

If I could offer you a few tips for its improvement? Bitter before the sweet and all that. *Wink*

A few points for editing:
In the display were the book
and in two short months had managed to amass
At that point I decided to match what she had earned,
Shannon say it, and went after the poor thing
"A rather remarkable little girl, make a rather remarkable gesture, and gave me back my life

She always keeps me from feeling alone, but I think you need her now more than me.
**Error in logic/time: she got the doll, went to the office, and was --within hours of purchase-- saying this.

Also, I think it could be pared back a bit, not detracting from your main character's experiences, but streamlining the story. Particularly, I noticed an opportunity near the end, a finalizing kind of "oh wow" moment which could easily serve as the story's end. I'd encourage you to look over the ending again, and try to see how the story would appear pulled in a little tighter.

On the side of the sweet?

Solid and reliably universal theme --easily recognized, great characterization in all your story's characters, and an outstanding plot (at its heart).

There were some detailed descriptions you'd used that made me feel as though you'd either been through this experience first hand, or heard a detailed description from someone to whom it happened.

To this day, I remember nothing of the trip to the hospital.
Then began the interminable wait, with the minutes seeming like hours, the hours like days.
My heart was beating wildly and my armpits were drenched with sweat.

These are things that add authenticity to your story, making it more believable to the reader. Well done.

In addition, the writing is understandable, has few flaws, and your logic is easily followed.

Overall, a story most deserving of attention, a fine write. A little polish, and it's a marketable product.

Again, thank you for sharing your story. It's one I'll remember.

Best of luck to you in all your endeavors.

MetaphorSquared
62
62
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is FANTASTIC, Nicki! Phewoosh! I'm blown away!

Tell me, did you enter it in any contests? It's a winner. An absolute winner.

It's not overwritten. Doesn't have any errors in grammar, tense, or any weak spots whatsoever. You kept it strictly to the point, with just enough meat on it to give it a fleshed out feeling. It's a reading experience that feels comfortable, as though its writer was at ease during the writing. So, yeah, you made this look like it wrote itself. *Bigsmile*

I'd like to pin a ribbon to it right this minute, but not if you're expecting a win in a contest.

I am so impressed. I know, we all write--sometimes it's hit, sometimes it's miss. This is a hit. You NAILED IT!

Impressed. Little envious. Wish I'd written it.

*Bigsmile* You go girl!
63
63
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aw, I love this. *Bigsmile*

It's way too easy to forget to make time for God everyday. Sometimes I think life is designed to distract us. Kinda makes those who remember stand out from the crowd.

This stands and out. *Smile*

I'm glad I had the chance to read it tonight.

Best to you!
64
64
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi, Avid Reader

I saw that you wanted some tips on this short piece, and have had my coffee, so I'm ready to try to be a help to you. *Bigsmile*

Straight away I noticed those maple leaves. While I'm pleased to see you becoming familiar with using WritingML, I'd suggest moving the decorations out of the body of your writing, and instead decorating the top or bottom of the page with such beauties.

Another careful proof read might reveal instances of properly spelled words--passed under the radar of a spell check--that are improperly used in context, such as this:Bob tuned right Contextually, I'm guessing you meant to write "turned". Close repetitive use of a word in a sentence, such as He laid out the map so they could both study their map could be located in a careful proof read as well.

One thing I'm working hard to improve upon myself, and would like to encourage you to try is dispensing with words that weaken the impact of your writing, such as "was" and "that". I find the instances of "was" to be the easiest to deal with, as in this case:The sun was waning. 'The sun waned' is the logical repair, making the sentence strong, active, and harmonious with its tense.

One more key point I'd like to make here is giving descriptive names to those many "things" living within a story. These are most often heralded by the infamous "the" and "a". In the first paragraph:the wooded cemetery/a small hill/the cemetery/the trees/the tombstones/a sedan/the cemetery/the car/the other visitors Some you may choose to keep, and that would be understandable. Others, however, could be given greater definition in order to draw your reader into your story. An invented example of this: the ring, a store, a man, the woman--will read more uniquely as Maddie's engagement ring, Wright's Discount Jewelry Outlet, Mr. Henderson, store manager, and my best friend, Amy. Be sure of your mental image, and paint it in vivid colors for your readers. *Smile*

Some areas for improvement in the verb department:
put their backpacks on; slowly walked; slowly driving If you ask yourself the question of how? you can probably solve these yourself. Invented example would be: quickly ran = sprinted

I don't want to bog you down with suggestions today, so I'll cut this short. *Smile*

I hope Bob and Mary's story continues to unfold and wish you the best of success. Remember, writing is in the re-writing. Don't let the process get you down. *Wink*

If you'd like to invite me back after improvements are made, I'm happy to return and read/rate it again.

Best to you!
65
65
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
That was highly interesting, even intriguing, and had an aire of originality that I thoroughly enjoy. Its form needs work, punctuation added. With those fixes, it's easily a 4.5.

Please, do e me back if you decide to ammend this poem. I'll adjust my rating.

You're a writer to keep an eye on, I think. You're in my favorites.

Best to you!
66
66
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I read this from the first available posting, and I have to admit there were points when I was wiping tears away. One of the funniest things I've read in quite some time. You have some great comedic minds here.

I've saved this to my favorites, and will check back often.

Best to you!
67
67
Review of Dead Not Buried  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was very odd and very good. I wish I had more constructive criticism for you this morning, but it rather defied picking apart. No pun intended, of course. The tone had a strong monotone to it, which went wonderfully with the story, and your main character's reactions seemed stewed in a sort of dry-horror humor that I rather enjoyed.

Again, an odd piece, but unique. You should refresh this from time to time to put it on the forefront of stories. I had to dig for ages to find something readable here.

Have a good day! Thanks for the read!
68
68
Review of Possession  
Review by MetaphorSquared
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A gripping start, plain language that offers no distraction away from the storyline, and diverse, interesting characters used to develop plot. A bit grisly, but unexpected, which is a large plus. Also the early-on unexpected reactions of characters works very well in favor of this piece.

However, I'm not a big fan of adverbs. Danced crazily. Can you think of a crazy dance and make that your verb? And, suddenly jerked brutally--overdone. Jerked, itself, is both sudden and brutal. No need for more. There are lots of these to pick at for the peevish, but for my purposes, I've given enough examples here. I'm sure you can work them out yourself if you feel so inclined.

Good use of creepy imagery and sounds throughout, as well as foreshadowing at the end to make it a 'hanger'.

I like the use of large type for the old eyes. Thanks, really.

Overall, this left me wondering what was your point? Where did these creatures come from and what was their importance in the story?

Probably, this was meant as an exercise in establishing an uneasy mood, which it did, and one in making a reader grossed out. Definately well done on those points.

The story, however good its characters and tone, did lack impact and the character growth that marks a truely great story.

It was decent.
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