I can ony say, if this could be transformed into not so much a short story, but a fairytale... the princess at the door sort of thing.
It's almost Rapunzel..... almost.
I like this story but I think it's a case of....
either fill the gaps by expanding on the moments. The opening paragraph is written well, has poetic, reative structure, some of the other paragraphs feel... static... Can't quite pin it.
It's like you've written in two different styles.. and I think the first paragraph has the style that works best.
I imagine this is a brief first draft. There is much taht can be done with this. The message is simple and holds well, it is very touching. I think however, that if you rewrite it in a single style, and I think this could work in the fairytale genre.. I really do..
I like this, keep writing, keep thinking, keep feeling don't lock the door... please...
I like the use of teething, my children teethed on ghost stories etc..., I think I'll use this sometime in my life, I like it.
Shrank for me sounds awkward, however, that's just dialect I think, shrunk works better with me, again, I'm of british descent that's all. May be a point to consider if publishing outside of u.s.
Nonplussed, Jessica responded with, If you can't take the heat, give it to someone else. I mean really Timothy, it's not as if the crowd would be quiet in a real game so you better get used to noise while you pitch". Turning her nose up, she began singing again, this time loudly just to make a point.
There needs to be a beginning quotation mark before "If you can't...
Outside of this, this is a nice commentary on story-telling. Well written, and a story within a story. I like it. I got lost in the story within the story for a while there, and I am tempted to ask ... can you tell the rest of the story tomorrow?...
You must have a heart for staring disaster in the face, triumph and tragedy in one day... this is great.
I can't critique such things as punctuation etc, as it's not necessary for this piece.
What should be remarked upon though is;
it's not often that cow dung is a pleasing read, it's a touchy subject and is often left in the hands of, well, those with baseless minds. This piece however, crafted well for a tasteless subject. Well done. I enjoyed the use of the characters, and whether this story is riction or not is irrelevant, this was a good read. Very enjoyable. And am at the moment raiding your port, so I ought to get a few more laughs. Nice comedic timing.
I don't believe I've been reviewed by you (I am however a newbie, so I'm probably not really in your market). How refreshing you are in the convention. I a have enjoyed the ten commandments of your 'why I'm picking on you'. Now I know. Writer beware, but be ready. Thank you for this, I've learnt about reviewing just reading this.
Have a great day. By the way...
this deserves a 5.0 because it isa clear, concise, communicates the message directly without banter, is not ambiguous, and has a large readership. I am a lecturer of research methodology here in New Zealand, and I will use these ten commandments in my teachings, if I'm allowed,
Are you no longer afraid because you are grown up....
or are you no longer afraid because Satan's not as scary...
And are these the messages you wanted the reader to hear, or
is there something you have said that may be the message, eg., Christianity keeps you safe from the evil Satan and you know this better now that you're not a child, or....
is the underlying message.... Christianity preaches fear?
It's hard to tell.
That is why there is a 3.5.
This piece is incomplete. You are no longer afraid, but we can't even begin to guess why.
But that's all that's missing from this piece. Internal dialogue is a crucial part of poetry. Poetry expresses and touches the emotion of that dialogue. This piece could be anumber of emotions, anger, frustration, to calm serenity, the piece needs finishing.
I suggest you add lines, either in the piece or extend the piece that suggests, and alludes to, the loss of fear for Satan.
If this is about fear you once had, the reader needs to hear why that fear has gone. That really is the story. Give it a go.. I'd like to know why?
Good luck, keep writing... keep the internal dialogue
Oh Pony Tale, Your words, they jest,
they're mocking,
They cut the hearts, of many Gaelic Jocks
You have a knack, for pulling up
the stocking...
Of lazy minstrels
on the karaoke blocks..
Tis true tis true
You are the queen of parody
don't ever light..en up your sense of time
and you, and you
will win the hearts of comedy....
and smiles upon,
you, oh Pony Tale, oh Pony Tale.....
Nice piece. Is this a flash fiction? I presume it is, and have you entered it into a competition. If so...
Cat’s eyelids weighed heavy as drowning anchors WHEN her focus on her screen went quickly from sharp to blur. She’d been staring at the same spreadsheet for three hours now.
My only help that I can offer. WHEN rather than as, only because as you read it there are to points of 'as' (have I confused you yet?). two as's makes it hard to read, is my point.
Good luck if it's for competition, otherwise, keep up the flash fictions. I like it.
I'm not too sure, actually I'm certain, that I would never have put an Armadillo, a Manhatten Transfer Song, and a William Tell Legend all in the same verse.
Pieces of literature that theorise about our last thoughts before death often touch on, our loved ones. We end up reading through a tapestry of regretted love.
This however, the thought of avoiding our sins... wow.
Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but there is definitely darkness in my mood that wasn't there only moments ago. I'd better write it out.
Anyway, I am curious, is there a reason you have spelt night two ways in one piece. I can't find a reason for it, though I realise it may be deliberate.
This piece addresses a simple issue that we all take for granted. And you have addressed it with style. People avoid the inevitable oncoming of death so I like this. Life and death belong together, but we need something to help us all prepare for this. This piece does that. I'll remember this piece for my children. Thank you.
If this isn't a plea for help, I don't know what is.
THis is a powerful piece, very powerful. I think the subject of this piece needs more than solitude, but rather, supervision. Even if he/she don't like it.
Well, I have learnt an immense amount on this page alone.
I am a newbie so this information is valuable. I love data analysis, data collection etc, so this for me, was easy to follow. I have experience in this.
What stumps me, is technical savvy. But I will save this page and refer to it often and refer it to others.
This really is important stuff.
Thank you all that put time and effort into all of this.
This is a nice simple description of a child missing her father. But it is contrary to well, let me say, the vocabulary is contrary to the writer of such a message. What I mean by that is:
I understand that it's for work,
but it's practically every day!
a child that would write this would at least be an elder teenager, say, 15. I don't know that an eight year old would say, I understand, let alone, practically every day. But I don't know that a 15 year old would say, 'dadi, dadi'. I may have the wrong world view here, but, the writing comes across as immature, but the understanding of the subject isn't. That is what I mean by, contrary.
Smooth the two. Either write the whole thing from the eight year old view (even if you're not eight) and use that vocabulary, 'dadi dadi, why aren't you home? Come home now (eight year olds are simple in their demands)
or the fifteen year old view, dad, dad, I've gotten used to this, and I feel you don't care.
Can you see the difference in tone? I hope I haven't offended, but I believe you can write this piece better so the reader can believe you. I do belive you by the way, it's just that the writing has betrayed you.
This poem is good work. You have created a piece that discusses well, the thoughts of a runaway teenager. I remember them myself. My reasons were very different and I made a different choice.
You have chosen a subject worthy of poetic response. This is a good start.
Next comes structure and delivery of your story, your message.
You have a solid frame that stays loyal to itself. This means that the rhythm holds and doesn't take abrupt unnecessary changes. This is great for readers. Let me explain, that if a reader can read the piece once, and get the message the writer has done a great deal of the job.
There still needs critiquing and plucking.
(1) My heart became softer and what i fealt was unexpected
i started to miss everything
i had only walked down
a few steps so far
but this feeling inside had me thinking
...fealt.... is felt.
try this,... my heart became softer, and what
a surprise,
i started to miss everything
I took just a few steps,
had paced only a trot
and this guilt in me had me thinking...
I realise this is a complete revamp, but I wanted to show you the different ways to express the word 'walk'. It's like the difference between a 'rock' and a 'stone'. A rock poetically conjures strength, hardness, durability. A stone however, tends to lend itself to smooth, moist, cold qualities.
A walk can be paced, trotted, crawled.... the above is just an example. When you have extended your poetic vocabulary, marry this with your story telling skills you do have, and the rhythmic value, you will be a solid writer. I am looking forward to more.
Perhaps you could try alternate words for the remainder of your piece. Feel free to respond if I have done nothing but confuse you. I apologise now if that's the case. But please, keep writing, keep submitting.
This is a wonderful forum. Thank you very much for taking the time to care about others' reviewing work. I didn't even consider that this was done, but, I did feel that I would like this kind of mentoring. Thank you for the giftpoints, and when I become a full member (unaffordable for me at the moment) I will be sponsoring GP's here. This is good, this is important.
Perhaps that's it. Perhaps we get blindsided when we can almost taste our moments of truth. Perhaps this is the norm. Am unsure what a Tootsie Pop is, but I guess that's irrelevant.
I have recently discovered micro-fiction and I have enjoyed this piece.
Perhaps death is the unravelling on life's greatest mysteries?
Who knows. NIce work, left with great food for thought.
I'd be interested in reading the original article.
This is touching. No fancy words, just plain talk. I like the style, it's just as effective.
The subject matter is brutal enough, that flowering it up with poetic paint, sometimes does damage. I like your approach, it has done the content justice.
Repitition is always a good tool.
And I am left feeling empathetic.
Good job. This poem works. Looking forward to reading more.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 6:26am on May 16, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
