Heee hee hee... very nice millhouse. I think you have invented the 'giggleoffis'! Yes it seems appropriate for this piece to be recorded as one of the first of the century. Well done Millhouse!!
A very enjoyable piece, and though the ending isn't really that surprising, the journey to the end was more than enough to make it worth taking the journey. Nice.
giggling out loud this is perfect for a cup of tea smoko break read!!
Very meaningful. I like it. I haven't read your author's notes yet. I don't believe in reviewing after reading the notes. I prefer to let the original piece inspire my reaction. So here goes.
I like this piece. Short and description. Sensual in its use of words, rainbows that kiss, big skies that can be inhaled. Wonderful imagery and again, sensuality. Also an inspirational message. Nicely done, I might go outside and breathe and escape for a while. Thank you for this
Not too sure what to say. I am now imagining the possum in the headlights look hee hee hee.
Nice work. You have detailed descriptions in this piece, I enjoyed this. The thought that a deer prays to the lord to, how cute. That may be quite arrogant of me. I wonder if his God is in his image? Just a thought. That's why this is a good piece, it provokes thought. Well done.
With regard to writing itself.... hmmm, perhaps you didn't need 650 words. Not too sure what you would cut out, or, maybe you should concentrate on inner dialogue for Rudy. (You weren't inspired by Rudolph for the name were you). Think the deer needs another name, maybe... oh I don't know what about... Richard!
well, what can I say. Am ever more curious about the boy with the one-string guitar. This material would make for a great song, or poem. Was captured by your description of him. I did enjoy the read. I like your short sharp, yet descriptive sentences. Nice, keeps me in the picture. However, a couple of things;
The title grabbed me, so I wanted to read the piece. You have painted a nice picture of a vintage spanish street scene, with glazing heat, tattered and torn visuals etc. I liked it. But, the boy with the eyes of ocean that reflects his dreams. Either this story goes on, or the last piece doesn't fit. Sorry. There are four sets of characters iin the story, yourself observing from the side, the boys playing soccer, laughing and enjoying life with no apparent concern for future and dreams, the boy playing the one-stringed guitar and the boy with the ocean eyes. the problem is, nothing binds any of them except for the sweltering heat, and you. Each deserve their own complete story, with the others as a backdrop. Perhaps not all as the main story with heat as the back drop. Keep working on it, i like your writing style.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Oh yea, that's right, I didn't, you did. Bugger.
This is a nice introspective. I've often wondered about our own responsibility to our own creations. You've said it well (if that's what you said), that's what I read.
Nice piece, easy to read, don't change a thing.
I now have more food for thought. Thank you very much.
You're right, and you shouldn't concern yourself with grammar when it comes to lyrics like these... this is art so don't be too exhausted by it. I've just reconstructed it here, there are only few typos and line breaks. Nothing to beat yourself up about.
However, you want comment on your lyrics so I'll talk about that soon...
When you first saw my face
did you expect a big disgrace
cause every move that i make
convinces you that im just a mistake
your words they cause
unseen scars that never heals
it never feels
-chorus-
rancid words you speak to me
the ones that rot so easily
in the corners of my mind
your diappointmens all i find
rancid words rancid words-
i never believed
that your words would humiliate me so
or your plans for me
that you couldnt let go
i shut them all away
for years and they decayed
just like my fears
- chorus-
when you say shes nothing to me
that is how i finally see
the way you think my world should be
and when my children need me most
your hatred will be nothing but a ghost
- chorus-
rancid words you speak to me
the ones that rot so easily
in the corners of my mind
your diappointmens all i find
rancid words rancid words-
Powerful words, they speak about your feelings alright. That piece of the puzzle is complete. I like the use of rancid, nice touch. It works actually. Not sure what genre music this is, but if it's youthful, I can only guess its contemporary.
You may want to actually mention your parents, or whatever it is your parents have done just a bit more clearly than you have. If they have rancid words, and you can remember them, use them, put them in your piece. Show us what rancid words are.... write from experience, show us your experienece.
This is an inspirational piece, and it softens a burdened mind. So thank you for that.
Regarding your choice of words...
My spirit is solid as a stone,
poetically you may want to consider the difference between Rock and Stone. Scientifically they are the same thing, but poetically they present different images. I think you may want to say...
My spirit is solid as stone
cleansing in streams,
evil spreads around me
as if in bad dreams...
It's only that stone as you have used it, doesn't quite mean solid, rather rock does. taking the 'a' out of the line gives it a sense of quality rather than personality. Hope I haven't confused you. If I have, feel free to email me.
Anyway, this is a lovely piece, I think perhaps you may just want to consider experimenting with different words, and discuss their differences and what images you wish to portray.
Good luck, good writing. Thank you..
Chelseamaree :)
A visual aura of grace within.
Let go and let God,
And my spirit will mend.
What exactly is annoying most, the ripped, unkempt bag, or the convenient lifestyle contents? Which would you rather they see?
Interesting piece. More to digest than what apears. Your writing tells me more than the contents. What an interesting person you are.
Good luck for the contest. This may be a contender, will depend on the judges, just like, the answers to the questions above, will depend on the neighbours!!
Are you by any chance a philosophy student, or cultural studies student? Just curious,
if you're not, you should consider reading creation stories from different cultures.
Biblically, this is Genesis, and god created light etc..
culturally, now I teach Maori studies here in New Zealand, and am a Masters students, and our creation stories are based on the creation of the day, and the stages of light and dark, not unlike your piece. Our oral histories are woven in these ideas you have just presented.. very interesting. I'm curious about you now, may I check out your port?
Young woman that is you, I celebrate it with you, and keep staying you.
This is nice dialogue, agressive. Often this dialogue is needed when the people it is addressed to, don't even know why you're saying it. That's the irony of these things. Anyway, this is another piece to add to others such as classics like, 'I think, therefore I am', an underlying message I read in your piece, there's also, and you may want to read... Polonius speaking to his son Laertes (Hamlet) Act 1 scene 3 (about) goes like this.....
Neither borrower nor lender be
for loan oft loseth itself and friend
and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
To thine ownself be true
and it must follow, as the night does day,
thou canst not then
be false to anyone.....
I believe that's the crux of what you are saying..
well done...
Youmay just want to expand your thoughts, beef it up with more than I may nots and load it with, I ams.
Very nice, I'm a brown-eyed girl myself, and I think I'll take this personally.lol. This is a lovely piece. I have a few suggestions though....
The most perfect girl I've ever seen,
to glimpse her is a treat!
..to glimpse her is a treat.. sounds a bit, well dare I say it... reaching for a rhyme sort of thing. Treat isn't all that flattering for a woman, however,...
you could try...
the most perfect girl to meet.
when rhyme falls short, resort to other poetic tools such as repetition...
She fills my days and nightly dreams
and makes my mouth go dry.
If I don't find her very soon,
I'll lay awake and cry.
and makes my mouth go dry...
..I'll lay awake and cry.
nice rhythm but lacks punch, again not that flattering.
try another measure like..
..with moments of heavenly sighs...
...my desire may die in her eyes.
what I'm basically saying is, a woman, someone special will be allured to you, when she understand how you effect her, when she can sense it. Poetry is the same, use forceful, sensual words.
Good work, I like this, and you don't have to take on board any of my suggestions, the poem works anyway, but it can work better.
Hee hee hee, I like this piece. It smacks of sarcasm!
Great.
Short verse without provoking inspiration! You said it. It's funny how we humans get won over by seasonal sentiment. Fickle creatures we are. I like this piece, give me this instead of a hallmark card anyday!!
As a single mother of a son, I understand this. I realised this when my son reached the age of ten and started taking on manly things etc. I could not possibly have provided for him, the things you have described. I knew this, so I did something about it, his father did not live in town, or even near us, but always made as much effort as he could, but it could not be constant effort. I surrounded my son with male role models I trusted. I am glad you wrote this piece, because now I know, I made a good choice, well the best choice for him. And even more so, I realise how important it is when it comes from the horse's mouth. ((That horse would be you) thank you for sharing that with me. It's been guesswork for me up until now.
This piece is truly remarkable. Superbly put together. Wow.
heaven is only an instant
that lasts forever
not this ruin of dreams
and good intentions
postponed to get to work on time
meet deadlines
perpetuating the status quo
a passionless desert of duty
peopled by intimate strangers
begging to be touched
I am drawn to this portion of the piece, reality in the divine dream of comfort.. irritating isn't it. But real.
The structure of question unanswered throughout the whole piece, finished off with an answer that disregards the original question of why? This is style.
I like the message of the piece.. it's a simple message, and too often we ask why, when the question is, who cares?
I wonder, is unrequited love that terrible.. you seem to have a healthy view of it. I like that. For myself, unrequited love isn't the issue as much as, what the unrequiting does to the unloved one... just more food for thought...
to me, true love can cope with unrequitted love... without it, it['s just hurt and obsession... yous eem to have gotten through with true love rather than unrequitted.. good on ya, I salute you...
thank you for sharing.
Chelseamaree
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