I hope you want constructive words and not smoke blown up your *** well you get the idea.
First off, the story is good and that is half the battle.
But are you writing a spec script or a shooting script. They are two totally different things. As a writer it is your job to tell the story and only the story. You wouldn't want a director telling you how to write, why would you tell a director how to do his job? The story is too hard to follow with the shooting commands and an agent or a producer would drop it at the first directing command.
For proper format I suggest getting a copy of David Trotter's book "The Screenwriters Bible" and get to the root of the story.
As I started this critque with, I'll finish. The story is very good but will be so much better without all the directions and thats what they want to read.
This is an interesting and unusal story but I'm hooked. Is there more? If there isn't you should think about wrapping it around a story and run with it. The only thing I noticed is that the paragraphs are too long. Try and shorten them down or split them into seperate paragraphs.
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