Hello, Thank you for choosing me to review your work.
1. Title, Teaser and Concept – The title promises to tell me a fantasy story about someone or thing named Zarth and that he or she is imprisoned somewhere.
2. Characters – The Zarth character was captured quite well by 17. I have a firm understanding of the gifts this Zarth person has and was rooting for him. I felt an information dump by 26. Your 17 self instinctively knew that the main character needs to be likeable. By stating he is a thief in the first paragraph of the rewrite, you inadvertently put up a wall up that does not need to be there. I think it would be better to keep his occupation a mystery until the reader likes him. I’m not an expert on show, don’t tell, but I think it has to do with describing body actions and responses to an emotion. Something like describing the body sensations of fear, not just say he was afraid. I saw flashes of it with the arrow scene, but then you rushed through other portions of describing it.
3. Scene execution – The scene executed by 17 is unskilled, but I liked the direction I saw it going. The work done by 26 was much better done. You caught most of the suggestions that I would have made. I know the stone has significance to the Zarth character. You just have to be more clear about its power. Details are important.
Incorporate all five senses into each scene so that I can be there when all the action is going down.
4. Technicalities: grammar, punctuation, genre, rating. I see that you put an explanatory first paragraph. You don’t have to do that if you have the same information in the teaser section. The rating and genres selected are fine.
He screamed out in pain and painfully wrenched out the arrow with his right hand before casting it aside. [ Try not to have the same descriptive word in the same sentence. Painfully does not even need to be there.]
huge jagged boulder which it had become wedged between two pine trees. [Which it is wrong. Try: Boulder that had become.]
as cost would be deadly [as the cost could be deadly. Would implies it will happen, could implies that there is a likelihood or possibility.]
set there sights [their]
Letting go off the stone [go of ]
Zarths intentions [Zarth’s]
stood foolishly together as the boulder was suddenly was hurled at them [take out one of the was’s]
noise' [take out apostrophe]
Using the stones power [stone’s]
his ward shield has failed! [shield failed.]
Yadel forests oak tree's [Yadel Forest’s oak trees]
he heavily fell heavily against the bark [remove extra heavily]
Go over the entire piece once more with loving care looking only for missing commas. This happens the most when you break thoughts in a sentence.
You pass between present and past tense frequently. Pick one and stick with it throughout the entire piece.
When you have mind thoughts, like “I shall never let them get the stone.” Try setting it apart with quotes or with italics.
5. Story potential: The newer version is technically better than the one written by 17. With the rewriting, the direction of the story also took a different direction. I preferred the vision of the 17 year old for the Zarth character. I preferred the writing stylings of 26. Can you find somewhere in the middle? Both need to clean up the punctuation.
I hope that the real chapter is much longer. I look for chapters in the 5K range, with a novel arc of 2/7/3 wherein you have 2 chapters to introduce all the main players, and do your world-building. You continue the climb and hit the main conflict at chapters 5/6 and then bring it out. You use the last three chapters to wrap it all up. Overall Impression: The best advice I could give you is to take your time. I can’t see what’s up in your head, only what you put on the paper. Take the time to be complete -- after all there is no word count to confine your thoughts.
As always, feel free to email me with questions or clarification of any of my suggestions/recommendations. I am not an expert, I am just giving my ideas on what would keep me turning the page of your story. The most important thing is to stay true to your vision. Hopefully, my suggestions are geared to that end.
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Hello, welcome to the Power Review Raids. You are chosen
1. Title, Teaser and Concept – I am familiar with your work and love all of it. When you told me this was a follow up to my favorite Spartacus Kane story, well, of course I want to check it out.
2. Characters – I know you go to great strides to develop characters that are unique. I have read thousands of stories of the WdC and Spartacus Kane holds the number 1 unrivaled position as being my favorite (we won’t count my characters). Other characters would have to put their turbo thrusters on to catch up with Kane.
3. Story Arc – Everything made sense and fell into place. There was nothing I could see that need tweaking or adjustment.
4. Scene execution – I attended a small college campas and did not get the layout. It is not enough to detract from my overall love for this steampunk storyline that you are working.
5. Technicalities: grammar, punctuation, genre, rating. I expect perfect and that’s what I got. The rating and genre are spot on.
6. Writing voice – I can always spot your writer’s voice and I love it. Don’t change it! Overall Impression: You create magical characters and develop scenes that are original and cute. Can you believe I said that? It will go down as my most obscure review comment to date. Shake your head and smile. It’s all you can do.
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I don't get how this is an E rating. It's fabulous, don't get me wrong. You covered all the core competencies and created a very graphic artistic expression of a rare phenomena for this young lady. It's just not an E. Your polish on this was so spot on and perfect. You have a rare gift called a writer's voice.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: The Title, genre and rating seem to not be possible to occupy the same space. I am curious to see what this title leads to.
Character and Scene Development: Despite not having much in dialogue, I was able to follow the fantasy world building for this story.
I think you can deliver a scene more cleanly through dialogue. You did an excellent job laying out this world, I just think dialogue would enhance this story.
What needs your attention:
Innocents [innocence]
a long side the parents, [in this usage, I think it’s along side]
All though [Although]
Ellise and Kamik .I [extra spaces in front of period]
The pit is in circled [encircled]
Paragraph 9 needs a loving look over for grammar, punctuation and plural v. possessive use.
What part I liked best: Paragraph 3. That is where I figured out we were talking about werewolves.
Overall impression: You have the bones for an excellent story. I think a story is always enhanced with dialogue. You can cover a lot of scene development and world building through dialogue.
With your natural gift to capture emotions, your story would come alive with dialogue.
As always, these are just my opines to use or lose as you deem appropriate.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen again. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
I always love award winners. I expect an extra level of wonderful if it caught the attention of contest judges. It’s interesting that you rated this ASR, it reads fine for an E. The title and teaser work well together. I can tell I will have a poetic experience in the Fantasy genre at least.
IMAGERY:
I get the image of a flying dragon lifting the reader on high and taking us to the protections of the places high above. A very fanciful place where dragons are in abundance and soar together doing all sorts of interesting things.
VOICE/TONE: I hear a singsong quality to this piece. You pack a whole lot of wistfulness into a very short work.
RHYMING & RHYTHM:
You used a very clean rhyme pattern. Repeating the first line in each stanza anchors the work to the transformation theme.
The cadence was very clean and easy to follow.
OVERALL IMPRESSION;
This piece needed that intricate rhyme scheme. It is rare that you can get away with that level of poetic license, but it worked very well with this piece. By that I mean, you married the folklore vibe with your rhyme scheme.
Thank you for sharing your work with us. You have a gift.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri and "Game of Thrones"
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: You certainly went all in with this title. E ratings are my favorite. This will be my first review for the environmental genre, so I shall endeavor to do justice for your work.
Character and Scene Development: What an amazing way to breathe life into something that is not normally consider sentient. Your detailing of the scenic splendor at the beginning was beautiful, and the petrified willow was an unexpected poignant ending.
What needs your attention: one' then [errant mark]
What part I liked best: I can tell you are a poet at heart. That magical cadence creeps in and supports your story.
Overall impression: This must have been hard to write. This is a beautifully expressed statement of how insatiable gluttony and greed, we end up killing ourselves. It is quite truthful, and it is not something that any of us want to acknowledge as truth.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I’m all about choice. So that's the immediate draw. I’m curious how you will marry choices with something that requires an escape. I usually don’t read fantasy pieces, I hope I don’t embarrass myself.
Character and Scene Development: I get Skie and the aching sadness at having her truth just out of reach, so close she could feel it, but not grasp it. It was wise to keep the scene very simplistic and raw.
What needs your attention: Looked good to me.
Plot and pacing: You had a rapid progression from a poor choice to realizing the dream. I am secretly happy that you went for the happy ending for your premise.
What part I liked best: The idea that you have to risk it all to get what you want is not new. Yet, most people will not risk it all, and most would rather take from someone else rather than work for it themselves. It’s good to see a happy payoff for the one who risked it all.
Overall impression: I like your easy poetic delivery of a story. There are still questions that need to be answered and explored, and you gave yourself lots of room to do that.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I stopped at this title because it is the word I use when I can’t find my center. Your teaser absolutely captures that hopelessness when everything goes wrong and there is absolutely no way to stop it. I did not get why you went with action/adventure on all three genres until I read the prompt.
Character and Scene Development: So I get the Catherine character right off. The actions and reactions come off as believable and natural. The scene description was very vivid. Kudos on that.
What needs your attention: and sat down few seats away. [I would use: a few seats away.]
could be heard and. in the next second, [s/b comma]
Few strides later, [I would use: A few strides later.]
I know you are on a tight word count, so these things may have been editing choices.
Plot and pacing: Good call on the 18+, I mean taking the risk to write that level of story, this story needed the support of the higher rating range. The speed of the scene probably would not have worked with anything less than an 18+ rating. You need to get to it quickly and you can't be nice.
Overall impression: You must have had stiff competition. A story a day for 13 days. Wow. I am amazed that you can let your mind flow so automatically into painting such a vivid picture.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
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These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I chose to read your story thinking it would be a fantastic love story. 18+ is a little higher than I usually read, and it is my first shot at the tragedy genre, looking forward to what you do with it.
First Impressions: I got the full range of emotion for Tattie. Keeping the names off the family allowed me to dislike them all around. It’s surprising that in higher society, the women on this planet are treated as lesser. It is good that even the middle class can work their way up to moving off planet. You got the upper crust attitude of protecting their fortunes – as if it matters when you die.
What part I liked best: This is polished to the max. The core competencies are well established, even the world building was a controlled introduction of day to day life, culture, and beliefs. Even showing that the middle class had more politeness, respect and manners than the elite was a nice nod to your world building skills. I’m glad that is read on the softer side of 18+.
Overall impression: I see you took your time between the time you originally wrote this and the time you modified it. The story reads as a five-star wonderful.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
I was drawn to the title. It sounded particularly elusive and I wanted to see what you could do with it. Rating is in the range I prefer and the genres are appropriate.
IMAGERY:
I can imagine a state where the spirit is willing, but time, ability or whatever else is not. I think you captured that longing feeling of wanting to go, but being stuck for whatever reason.
RHYMING & RHYTHM:
The rhyming was rather random, but it showed up when it needed to. You used a lot of words and rhyming patterns that I did not think would fit in a poem. But you made it work. Kudos. By switching up the pacing and breaking the flow of the piece, the reader is challenged to embark on this crazy travel with you.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I think you captured a wide range of emotions in this poem. You challenge the reader to challenge themselves so we don’t get caught in this halting pattern of wishing and ineptness.
Thank you for allowing us to read your work. I hope my opines are of use for you in your future endeavors.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri and "Game of Thrones"
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I don’t know what to expect about this bird story. I just know that I love hawks and birds of prey. This sounds like an interesting read, it’s in my favorite genres and preferred rating.
Character and Scene Development: I so got both the fun side and that mama-protector side of Annabelle’s personality. Your compassion comes through as well. Not many people would be able to handle the special needs of a baby bird like that.
What needs your attention: Annabelle is spelled three different ways. Was that on purpose or a boo boo?
early mourning [morning]
What part I liked best: I like a good hook line up front. The aka Stinkybellum was too cool to pass up.
Overall impression: Such a cute story. I like the way your pride in your feathered family shows up. Thank you for sharing this delightful story with us.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen again by me, Ms. Cheri, one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: This is such an interesting title and teaser. I don’t see how a horror story can be E. I have been proven wrong before. We will see.
First Impressions: This story takes us on a slow ambling journey that takes us through all the emotions from scared to joy to sadness to acceptance. You did not rush the story, and there was no need for a dramatic build. You just told the story from someone who has accepted that there is no happy ending and the end is near.
What needs your attention: Aunt Katr [did you mean Kate?]
You missed a couple commas and periods. There are fragmented sentences. This is a good story that can use a loving editing eye.
What part I liked best: I am a history buff and the line about whether the history will ever matter got me. That line kept me attentive and tuned in the entire read.
Overall impression: Please go back and put the polish on this piece. It is so well written, all it needs is the punctuation to be perfect. It is a borderline E rating, and I thank you for that.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I chose this story because it was the only visible one in your flash fiction folder. I love E rated family stories. It does not state that this is based on a real experience, but it sure sounds that way.
First Impression: At first I thought I was reading about a love in bloom between adults. How pleasantly was I surprised to see that it was about a love fulfilled between father and daughter.
The story is paced to capture a brief backstory in a story that looks to cover about 15 minutes when the father is introduced to his daughter for the first time. That is lovely.
What needs your attention: It is perfect the way it is.
What part I liked best: Every progression from singing her name to kissing her forehead was exactly the way it is for all fathers who want to be fathers.
Overall impression: I like the way you tell a story. You took a life event and turned that snapshot in time into a beautiful story. Let me add my accolades to all the others who have spoken before me.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen again by me, Ms. Cheri, one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I chose this story because it hinted at a more poetic read than what one usually finds in the Daily Flash. With the genres selected and the 18+ rating, I’m now curious. How can my poet be 18+? We shall see.
First Impression: I see you love the darker side of science fiction, that much is for sure. Wow. You embraced the superstition and connotations quite punnily when you morphed the shape-shifter into a black cat. I thought that was very clever.
What needs your attention: You had a well-polished piece that embraced all the core competencies. I would not change anything.
Overall impression: I did not expect that ending. I am a huge fan of cliffhangers, and this one, is better than most. I would have liked to know what was so special about the locket, good start for a longer piece if you want to run in that direction. I don’t know if you won your contest or not. It was a good read whether it did or not.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: This review is for Day One of your 30 day writing challenge. At first I thought this was probably an imaged based writing challenge because there was an image link that was no longer functioning. E and Other would suggest that the whole book is E and the genres are varied. I would suggest making each entry more descriptive than the Day and word count. For instance this entry could be retitled: Pow, Here We Go Again, 18+, dark, drama, relationship
First Impressions: I can see that this looks like it will be a rather heavy subject. Telling the story from the woman’s point of view is a good idea. The first paragraph sets the tone for the entire piece and I am already tensed for a suspense filled story.
What needs your attention: With challenges such as this, please expand the entry title to include a title, genre and rating if it is higher than E as suggested above so the reader is not blindsided -- or at least put the it at the top of your entry. Just a thought on what would help me as the reader.
You are missing commas all over the place. I would like to see a loving hand go back over this looking just for punctuation.
He has control her [controlled]
When the woman has a mind thought, put it in italics to set it apart from the rest of the piece, and it also gives the illusion of dialogue.
All dialogue should be in quotation marks at the beginning and end and each new speaker should have his or her own line. You can put the action items on the same line as the speaker that they are attached to.
What part I liked best: You have a very frank and in-your-face styling to your writing.
Overall impression: I think everyone has had encounters with evil people and they do not have the backbone to stand up against evil. I am happy that this woman did, although the way it was done was not legal. Your idea is good and it is a story worth telling.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer. If you need clarification on any of my comments, please let me know and I would be happy to go over them in more detail.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
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These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I was strolling through the comedy genre and just had see what how “murder” could be a comedy. You are one of the lucky ones who got an E rating on an intro with the word “murder” in it. The moderators had a conniption when I did that and I had to use a non-E rating for my intro. The E rating for the entire piece is right in my comfort zone. The genres selected are perfect for this piece.
Character and Scene Development: You set up the scene so cleverly. You have very little time to lay out the characters, and it was pretty good with the short space you are working with.
Plot and pacing: You did a nice twist at the end to deliver your premise in a clever and unique way. It was a short piece so you had to pack a lot of punch in a short space. Word choice is critical. Thank goodness there were no grammar or punctuation issues to get in the way.
Overall impression: This was a very clever story from the perspective of an inanimate. I like your writing stylings. I hope you have found my encouragements useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: Who would not want to read about the zippin Pippin? The rating is in my preferred range. The genres are new to me, so this should be good.
First Impression: You have a very poetic styling to your writing. There is a gentleness that infuses your perceptions and that shows up in the way your story presents. I can tell that you must be a joyful person with a happy that is infectious. It was a good idea to include the weblink so the reader can get the scene development in that manner.
What needs your attention: The first line reads odd to me, almost like you have an extra word in there.
What part I liked best:My heart pounded and my nails broke [I got the whole scene in that line. It’s great. Thank goodness you did not eat before the ride. Just saying --]
Overall impression: I think that trip would be quite fun. And I think you have to go with a friend. I really like the softness in your writing.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen again by me, Ms. Cheri, one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: The title and teaser are a clever draw for this reader. And with E as the rating and biographical as the genre, I was pulled in.
First Impressions: It took a lot of courage to lay out your family’s taboos and triumphs. The love you have for your mother is quite clear and beautiful.
The baby naming is so important. It is often forms the impression before anyone says a word. How did she get by six weeks without naming you? My mother could not leave the hospital before the naming. We had boy and girl names picked well before the babies were born. I find that interesting.
What needs your attention: she went my "Kay" [Something’s off. Wrong word? Or missing word? I’m not sure, just can tell that it’s a little off.]
The extended distance between paragraphs made it a little hard to read, not enough to stop the read, just a little distraction.
To me the mild references to alcohol and violence gives this a 13+ rating.
What part I liked best: Your mother’s name is Celeste and that’s what I liked the best. I lost a very good friend recently and her name was Celest. She, too, had an eternal thoughtfulness in how she approached life, well aware of all the responsibility that she carried on her shoulders, just because she knew that her choices impacted the choices of dozens of others.
Overall impression: I like your writing style and the logical progression of your stories. You have a sweet, straight forward way of presenting a story that I like very much.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: Well, it’s an interesting title. I am not sure what the mystery is. The rating is fine, and I don’t get why the butler is important to this story. I’ll eagerly await the sequel.
Character and Scene Development: You gave us enough to give us an idea of who these people are and where they are. It is hard to do with a short story, but you did it well.
What needs your attention: Couple missing commas, hardly worth mentioning. What part I liked best: I always like to watch rich people pretend to be generous. Some are, but most watch their pocketbook pretty closely, and all donations are viewed with how it will benefit them in the long run. Nailed that phenomena.
Overall impression: I have a question mark over my head. There is sufficient mystery on who this James is and why he is important to this story. But I do enjoy reading your work very much.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
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Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: The draw for this read is the title. My husband’s family are part gypsy, at least that’s what grandma said. Grandmas never lie, do they. The second draw is that the rating is in the range I prefer, and the genres are new to me.
Character and Scene Development: I was able to get the nuances of the main characters. The little detail about the gypsies was quite well done.
What needs your attention: Linda waived them goodbye [waved?]
What part I liked best: I don’t know how to say it, but there was a societal conundrum thrown in there, a level of icing on a mud pie. Where we live it’s called Minnesota Nice. We just do the nice thing even though it is fake and artificial in most cases.
Overall impression: You used all the core competencies to tell a complete story. I like the way you tell your story.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: The title and teaser of your piece says it all. The ratings and genres selected are within my comfort zone, so looking forward to a good read.
Initial Impressions: The first observation is that you have a pleasant way of stringing words together. I can tell there is probably a poet in there somewhere.
What needs your attention: I am on the bicuspid [bicuspid is either a premolar tooth or a valve in the heart. I am not sure what word you wanted to use, I just know it’s not that one.]
What part I liked best: You put a lot of thought into how you got to where you are. Maybe writing them out in list points helps.
Overall impression: There comes a time when you have to quit thinking and start doing. God put you in a seminary once, and if he is still calling, the means to fulfill on the call will present. It just takes declaring and sharing. Use your mouth to tell people your dream and watch how God fixes things to make it so. All I know for sure is that waiting without a plan does no good. Make a plan and work your plan. If God does not like it, adjust it.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri
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Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen again by me, Ms. Cheri, one of the sly foxes.
INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
Okay, I’m not going to lie, anything that wins an award tells me that the writing is exceptional. The genres are unique and appropriate for this piece. I am drawn to E ratings, so was happy to stumble across this.
IMAGERY:
This may be specifically directed to NaNo Writers, but I see it as touching all venues and all levels of seniority on the site. And as strange as it sounds, for different people no matter what the situation or scary thing they are facing. Sometimes people are up against something that seem overwhelming, and this piece would encourage them to just make it work.
RHYMING & RHYTHM:
I did not see any rhyming, nor do I think any was intended. I did not see any rhythm, just well stated encouragement for those who may be having a tough go of it.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like the way you write and the messages you have to convey. I know I am not the best judge of your work, but for what it’s worth, I know good work when I see it.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri and "Game of Thrones"
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
I stopped the scroll when I found an award winner. I’m always up for anything related to children that has an E rating. I see this was written a while ago and that your little precious toddler is now in grade school. The genres selected are appropriate.
IMAGERY:
I did all those things too. I so relate to those little nuances and snapshots in time that have to last because they go by so very very fast.
I can’t say I am the best judge of poetry, I just know what I like. I found myself smiling at the memories your word pictures evoked in me.
RHYMING & RHYTHM:
I am not familiar with this style of poetic styling. I can see it at this skip step rhythm as being somewhat like hurrying to catch everything so you don’t miss anything. I did not see anything that scraped across my brain as being an error.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I love this snapshot of your relationship with your toddler. Thank you for allowing the readers to gaze upon the love between a mother and daughter. Congratulations on the award.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: I chose this story because I wanted a short story and this had an interesting title. You do not have to tell us it is a contest entry, because we can see that when we scan the genres. An enticing teaser would be a good thing to add here. ASR is in my preferred rating range, and romance is my preferred genre to read.
What needs your attention: I would put in a question mark after a question even if it is in the middle of a sentence.
with a customer". His reply was. [Try customer,” he replied.]
characterization/Plot / pacing: You were quite skilled in keeping me rooting for the lady. I was on the edge of my seat to see what happened next. You always brought the premise forward, which was needed to highlight the character of the leading lady as someone who was surprising herself in coming out of her comfort zone.
What part I liked best: I was completely blindsided when he rolled in to the café. And ecstatically pleased that it did not matter to the leading lady.
Overall impression: Congratulations for the nod in the Noticing Newbies newsletters. It is well deserved.
These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri
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Welcome to the Game of Thrones reviews. You are chosen. My name is Cheri, I am one of the sly foxes.
Attention Grabbers: You have an interesting title and teaser that drew this reader in. I like E ratings the best. Another draw is that I am curious how you would make a ghost story E rating without it being a comedy. The genres are pretty eclectic, I am curious to see how they meld together.
Character and Scene Development: You have a nice friendly alcoholic ghost. That’s sweet.
I liked the way you introduced and described Steve to the reader.
What needs your attention: who had no room for feral ghost, [did you mean a feral ghost?]
wanted burned cottage back [did you mean his burned cottage or the burned cottage?]
it n one sip [typo]
The reference to wine and the incompleted F-bomb automatically puts this in the 13+ rating.
What part I liked best: Most people would freak out if they encountered a ghost or spooky thing. In the story, the main character is so accepting of not one, but two, ethereal beings.
Overall impression: This was a nice quick read for me. I appreciate your writing style and author’s voice.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.
What does the Fox say?????
Cheri
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These are just my opines. I hope you find my encouragement useful as you grow as a writer.
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